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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on November 16, 2005, at 9:25:21
i had a session with my T yesterday, i don't think it went well. i started off by telling him i was feeling afraid of him. i started to get a little pissed off, then i kept (as he puts it) punishing myself verbally, i told him i deserved it. then i started to get even more pi$$ed off cuz he kept say no your worth much more etc.
when i left his session i was ticked, went home and still ticked and starting to get exhausted. then it hit and all i could do was stare to i went to bed and listed to music....MAN did i ever want to cut, i even told T that i was going to, and in my mind there's nothing he could do to stop me. when i was on my bed listening to music if i could have moved i would have gotten a knife and started in but it's like i couldn't even move, then i started to cry.
my T said something that i remembered and it triggered crying. he said i have a lot to grieve about.
then the thoughts started and i wanted to post this last night.
this is how i feel now.is this real? did these things that i've talked about really happen and happen to me? did i imagine it? did i make it up? i want T to tell me he doesn't believe me and that i made it all up. it doesn't seem real. i want him to say i'm lying. it feels like i am. i just don't think i can stand it if it was all real. the feelings are scaring me. i need someone to hang on to.
please tell me you understand?
i just can't believe this stuff that's spewed out of my mouth is for real.unsure of everything.
b2c.
Posted by allisonross on November 16, 2005, at 10:58:27
In reply to is it real....possible trigger, posted by B2chica on November 16, 2005, at 9:25:21
> Hi, sweetie: I am so sorry. i feel your anguish in your words.
i had a session with my T yesterday, i don't think it went well. i started off by telling him i was feeling afraid of him.
What did he say about that? he should have responded.
i started to get a little pissed off, then i kept (as he puts it) punishing myself verbally, i told him i deserved it. then i started to get even more pi$$ed off cuz he kept say no your worth much more etc.
This is all well and good to SAY to you, but if you don't FEEL that way, it won't help you.
> when i left his session i was ticked, went home and still ticked and starting to get exhausted. then it hit and all i could do was stare to i went to bed and listed to music....MAN did i ever want to cut, i even told T that i was going to, and in my mind there's nothing he could do to stop me.
What was his response to that?
when i was on my bed listening to music if i could have moved i would have gotten a knife and started in but it's like i couldn't even move, then i started to cry.
> my T said something that i remembered and it triggered crying. he said i have a lot to grieve about.it sounds as if you do. I understand. I have a lifetime to grieve.
> then the thoughts started and i wanted to post this last night.
> this is how i feel now.
>
> is this real? did these things that i've talked about really happen and happen to me? did i imagine it? did i make it up? i want T to tell me he doesn't believe me and that i made it all up. it doesn't seem real. i want him to say i'm lying. it feels like i am. i just don't think i can stand it if it was all real. the feelings are scaring me. i need someone to hang on to.
> please tell me you understand?I do, sweetie: How can I help?
> i just can't believe this stuff that's spewed out of my mouth is for real.
I am very proud of you for bringing the ugliness up and out---that is the ONLY way you can heal, as painful as it is......is to talk about it;
look right at it, walk through the pain.......that is the 1st step in the journey to beginning to heal. it is scary, difficult work, but well worth the effort, sweetie!
Try to be gentle with yourself...little baby steps, a little at a time.......think of yourself, if you can as your own best friend. How would you treat her?
>
> unsure of everything.I understand that.
Hugs and love, Ally (e-mail me, if you wish: wacalice@aol.com)
> b2c.
Posted by B2chica on November 16, 2005, at 11:51:49
In reply to Re: is it real....possible trigger » B2chica, posted by allisonross on November 16, 2005, at 10:58:27
> i had a session with my T yesterday, i don't think it went well. i started off by telling him i was feeling afraid of him.
> What did he say about that? he should have responded.he asked if anything set that off, how long i've been feeling that. he was a few mintues late and asked if that's what did it. (it didn't...i don't think) he said i need to show my anger and that he can handle it (as long as i don't get physical)
> > when i left his session i was ticked, went home and still ticked and starting to get exhausted. then it hit and all i could do was stare to i went to bed and listed to music....MAN did i ever want to cut, i even told T that i was going to, and in my mind there's nothing he could do to stop me.
> What was his response to that?for the firs time there was little response, he said what can we do so you won't cut. then he cut off the session and said he had to return that call that he got so didn't walk me to front office like he usually does. by then i was really ticked and wanted to cut REALLY bad!
>
> when i was on my bed listening to music if i could have moved i would have gotten a knife and started in but it's like i couldn't even move, then i started to cry.
> > my T said something that i remembered and it triggered crying. he said i have a lot to grieve about.
>
> it sounds as if you do. I understand. I have a lifetime to grieve.i don't feel as thought i have a right to grieve.
> > then the thoughts started and i wanted to post this last night.
> > this is how i feel now.
> > is this real? did these things that i've talked about really happen and happen to me? did i imagine it? did i make it up? i want T to tell me he doesn't believe me and that i made it all up. it doesn't seem real. i want him to say i'm lying. it feels like i am. i just don't think i can stand it if it was all real. the feelings are scaring me. i need someone to hang on to.
> > please tell me you understand?
>
> I do, sweetie: How can I help?just be here...listen. please don't get tired of me talking. i really need this place. i feel like i need to see him 5 times a week. if only i had tons of money...i would.
i'm scared of my fear and anger.
> look right at it, walk through the pain.......that is the 1st step in the journey to beginning to heal. it is scary, difficult work, but well worth the effort, sweetie!
>
> Try to be gentle with yourself...little baby steps, a little at a time.......think of yourself, if you can as your own best friend. How would you treat her?that's a problem. the same rules that i govern for myself i don't apply to others. others have a right to grieve, to help, to nondestructive behavior. i deserve to be hurt, injured, damaged and thrown away.
> > unsure of everything.
b2c> I understand that.
thank you, but i'm beginning to feel more helpless and hopeless, thus worthless.
b2c.
Posted by happyflower on November 16, 2005, at 12:25:28
In reply to Re: is it real....possible trigger » B2chica, posted by allisonross on November 16, 2005, at 10:58:27
Wow, you have had some very intense sessions. I think I would be also upset too, if my T tried to say stuff that wasn't what I was feeling. I hope you are okay, please take care of yourself. (((((((B2))))))
Posted by antigua on November 16, 2005, at 12:39:56
In reply to is it real....possible trigger, posted by B2chica on November 16, 2005, at 9:25:21
Parts of it are real, and maybe other parts are just all mixed up together into something that resembles what you faced.
Maybe you should tell your T you were mad at him for backing away to take the call. It's like not being heard.
I know how badly you feel. My T tells me that we are so afraid of the anger, but it's often not as bad as we think it will be (or are afraid of) when it does come bursting out.
I went outside with a soft baseball bat and beat a wire fence as hard as I could. Made me feel much better. Hurt my arm, though, but it was better than the real damage I could have done to myself. Could you try something like that to relieve some of the pent up anger/rage?
Denial is so strong. We have to find something to replace it with before we can feel safe enough to let it go. Do you have anything warm and soft to hug and cry?
I feel for you,
antigua
Posted by muffled on November 16, 2005, at 13:28:02
In reply to Re: is it real....possible trigger, posted by B2chica on November 16, 2005, at 11:51:49
> he asked if anything set that off, how long i've been feeling that. he was a few mintues late and asked if that's what did it. (it didn't...i don't think) he said i need to show my anger and that he can handle it (as long as i don't get physical.
* easy for THEM to say. You've had to take alot in in the last while, don't expect your thinking is gonna be so great and organized and logical. Its hard to be all mixed up.
>
> > > when i left his session i was ticked, went home and still ticked and starting to get exhausted. then it hit and all i could do was stare to i went to bed and listed to music....MAN did i ever want to cut, i even told T that i was going to, and in my mind there's nothing he could do to stop me.*Good for you to control yourself from cut. You were in a rage zone of confusion. I go there too.
>
> for the firs time there was little response, he said what can we do so you won't cut. then he cut off the session and said he had to return that call that he got so didn't walk me to front office like he usually does. by then i was really ticked and wanted to cut REALLY bad!
>
* revenge cut, not so good. But you didn't? If so. Wow. Good for you. Some part of you stopped you. Good to have that part.> > when i was on my bed listening to music if i could have moved i would have gotten a knife and started in but it's like i couldn't even move, then i started to cry.
* I know the can't move thing, its weird all right, but good in that no cut. I can't cry yet. Can't show weakness yet.
> > > my T said something that i remembered and it triggered crying. he said i have a lot to grieve about.
i don't feel as thought i have a right to grieve.* Yeah. I guess I feel that way about myself too. Sh*t.
Of course I think YOU do have right. Just not me cuz I didn't have hard stuff like you.> > > is this real? did these things that i've talked about really happen and happen to me? did i imagine it? did i make it up? i want T to tell me he doesn't believe me and that i made it all up. it doesn't seem real. i want him to say i'm lying. it feels like i am. i just don't think i can stand it if it was all real. the feelings are scaring me. i need someone to hang on to.
> > > please tell me you understand?*Sh*t. Crazy sucks man. But you've made it this far. You survived, now you goto heal. Things'll get better. I am telling myself this stuff too. Zooming thoughts. Hard.
> just be here...listen. please don't get tired of me talking. i really need this place. i feel like i need to see him 5 times a week. if only i had tons of money...i would.
*You strong b2, you teaching me lots, thank-you. I'm glad you sharing. Good for all.
I think you on right road.
Do you pray? Helps me some> i'm scared of my fear and anger.
* I've finally decided my T. REALLY isn't afraid of me. Makes me less afraid of me. If that makes sense.
> >
> that's a problem. the same rules that i govern for myself i don't apply to others. others have a right to grieve, to help, to nondestructive behavior. i deserve to be hurt, injured, damaged and thrown away.*No one deserves that I don't suppose. For me, I don't know how it happened, but somehow I met the small happy innocent child inside of me. All I felt was simple completely uncluttered pure true happiness. It was SO weird and wonderful, and it was ME. After that I didn't hate myself nearly so much, cuz then I'd have to hate her. And she was so completely sweet, I loved her. She is part of me.
> > > unsure of everything.*I think of my 'stuff'as puzzle pieces and sometimes I am SO confused, and sometimes the pieces fit. Sometimes I'm just completely overwhelmed.
>
> thank you, but i'm beginning to feel more helpless and hopeless, thus worthless.*Definately not worthless to ME. Sorry its so hard. I could say a ton of nicey, nice stuff, but when I'm in that place, I mostly don't get it.
You tough, you brave, you survived, you will get thru this.
(Just had to slip some in) Cuz I care.
((((B2))))
Muffled
>
>
Posted by ghost on November 16, 2005, at 17:34:43
In reply to Re: is it real....possible trigger, posted by B2chica on November 16, 2005, at 11:51:49
b2c,
you know, i believe those things really happened to you. i believe (as my T said to me which almost made me cry... or throw up) that those people (if you want to call them that) took something from you that you can never have back. that's a lot to grieve. it's a huge loss.
but even if they DIDN'T happen (which is not the case, i'm sure), your mind still needs to deal with the events. this is not a B movie where someone is freaking out over events that didn't happen and in the end they come to the startling realisation that they were imagining it all along. that's just not going to happen here (even if it would be nice if these things didn't ever happen... to anyone).
i know how you feel when you said you couldn't move. that's kind of what happens to me sometimes. i'm just frozen and i can't control my body. just dead weight. i imagine what it's like to hurt myself though. usualy that's what my brain does. sometimes its blank, too, though.
you have every right in teh world to be pissed off and angry and sad. i think it's healthy to get angry. it shows you won't tolerate that kind of treatment. that you know it's wrong. if it's wrong for it to happen to me, what makes you any different? you're no less human than i am.
lots of love,
ghost
Posted by daisym on November 16, 2005, at 19:25:17
In reply to Re: is it real....possible trigger » B2chica, posted by ghost on November 16, 2005, at 17:34:43
I think you will ask that question again and again and again. And each time you tell something new, there will be new fear. You've been afraid to tell for a very long time. How can you get over being afraid in one, two or ten sessions?
After 2 1/2 years I still look at my therapist and say, "are you going to be here tomorrow?" And he emphatically says, "yes." He doesn't think it is silly and he isn't offended that I'm still afraid he has had enough, each and everytime.
Be kind to yourself. Channel your anger elsewhere if you can. I like Antigua's suggestion of the bat. You are worth protecting and taking care of.
(((B2C))) It will get better.
Posted by antigua on November 17, 2005, at 8:00:46
In reply to is it real....possible trigger, posted by B2chica on November 16, 2005, at 9:25:21
Sometimes I find myself in this state, and I recognize it's what I did as a young child. Immobilize myself, try to make myself invisible so nothing could happen.
for me, it's an old coping mechanism. But I find I still use it at times,
antigua
Posted by B2chica on November 17, 2005, at 9:37:57
In reply to Re: is it real....possible trigger, posted by antigua on November 16, 2005, at 12:39:56
i love the idea of taking a baseball bat to something. maybe there's a batting cage around here.
and i don't have anything soft...i need something desperately.
:(
b2c.
> Do you have anything warm and soft to hug and cry?
> I feel for you,
> antigua
Posted by B2chica on November 17, 2005, at 9:42:24
In reply to Re: is it real....possible trigger » B2chica, posted by muffled on November 16, 2005, at 13:28:02
* I know the can't move thing, its weird all right, but good in that no cut. I can't cry yet. Can't show weakness yet.
-this is how i feel. i've been so protective of ALL my emotions all these years, it's hard to all of a sudden expose them.
> > > my T said something that i remembered and it triggered crying. he said i have a lot to grieve about.
i don't feel as thought i have a right to grieve.* Yeah. I guess I feel that way about myself too. Sh*t.
Of course I think YOU do have right. Just not me cuz I didn't have hard stuff like you.-and see i think 'I' don't have the right because Others had it so bad. i don't think i did.
-i do try to pray, but i don't like praying for myself, but praying for others in my situations (and those on babble) help me a little.
thanks so much for the support muffled.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on November 17, 2005, at 9:45:46
In reply to Re: is it real....possible trigger » B2chica, posted by ghost on November 16, 2005, at 17:34:43
> you know, i believe those things really happened to you. i believe (as my T said to me which almost made me cry... or throw up) that those people (if you want to call them that) took something from you that you can never have back. that's a lot to grieve. it's a huge loss.
-that EXACTLY what my T said.
> but even if they DIDN'T happen (which is not the case, i'm sure), your mind still needs to deal with the events. this is not a B movie where someone is freaking out over events that didn't happen and in the end they come to the startling realisation that they were imagining it all along. that's just not going to happen here (even if it would be nice if these things didn't ever happen... to anyone).-i think that's what i'm scared of. i want it to be like in the movies. better yet, have been rescued in the nick of time...
> i know how you feel when you said you couldn't move. that's kind of what happens to me sometimes. i'm just frozen and i can't control my body. just dead weight. i imagine what it's like to hurt myself though. usualy that's what my brain does. sometimes its blank, too, though.exactly...dead weight, it's weird.
thank you dear ghost.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on November 17, 2005, at 9:49:55
In reply to Not being able to move, posted by antigua on November 17, 2005, at 8:00:46
> Sometimes I find myself in this state, and I recognize it's what I did as a young child. Immobilize myself, try to make myself invisible so nothing could happen.
> for me, it's an old coping mechanism. But I find I still use it at times,
> antigua
i guess i didn't think of this...when i was a teen and r@ped, that's why i struggle with it now cuz i didn't fight back, i froze. and your right, i did it when i was young. i remember hiding from him and literally holding my breath if he got near.
it was an old coping tool. but i hate it. it was my lack of action that got me abused again and again.
I HATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO
I HATE THE LITTLE GIRL!!!!!!!!
she's stupid, she's ignorant, SHE LET IT HAPPEN!!!
I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by B2chica on November 17, 2005, at 9:50:26
In reply to Re: is it real....possible trigger, posted by daisym on November 16, 2005, at 19:25:17
Posted by muffled on November 17, 2005, at 10:00:20
In reply to Re: Not being able to move » antigua, posted by B2chica on November 17, 2005, at 9:49:55
> I HATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
> NO
> I HATE THE LITTLE GIRL!!!!!!!!
> she's stupid, she's ignorant, SHE LET IT HAPPEN!!!
> I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
*B2, she was just a kid, she didn't know what to do. I have two kids, I wouldn't expect them to know what to do. I'd expect them to be hurt and confused. Can you put in your mind another child you know of similar age to the child in you that you hate. Think of her. Would you hate her? Can you find a real young one inside that is still innocent and happy? That was HUGE for me. I'm so sorry for that child inside you, and you. Can i send HER a cyber hug? Will you let her have it? She hurts. ((((((little girl))))))She hurts so much.((((((little girl)))))
((((B2))))You too. Try to let the emotions just flow right on thru and let them go.
Muffled.
>
>
Posted by B2chica on November 17, 2005, at 10:10:57
In reply to (((((B2))))))), posted by muffled on November 17, 2005, at 10:00:20
muffled i can barely see the keyboard cuz of the tears.
when i see other little kids about 8 or so i'm afraid of them and for them. i immediately turn into super cop on the look out for predators. i just can't seem to apply those thoughts to me. to other kids yes, but i should have done So much. she was weak and caved. she stupidly loved her brother no matter what he had her do. no matter if it hurt or not, she kept going back for more. i know that's what my mother would tell me. that 'why didn't i stop it', it was my fault for letting it happen more than once. once she could forgive, more than that it was my fault. i got what i deserved she always said. she also said i always love the attention (when she'd hit me) that i wanted it to happen. i apply that to that stupid little girl also.i was so confused and scared. but SHE was just stupid.
i need to be held. (((((muffled))))
tears.
b2c.
Posted by muffled on November 17, 2005, at 10:23:18
In reply to Re: (((((B2))))))) » muffled, posted by B2chica on November 17, 2005, at 10:10:57
> muffled i can barely see the keyboard cuz of the tears.
> when i see other little kids about 8 or so i'm afraid of them and for them. i immediately turn into super cop on the look out for predators. i just can't seem to apply those thoughts to me. to other kids yes, but i should have done So much. she was weak and caved. she stupidly loved her brother no matter what he had her do. no matter if it hurt or not, she kept going back for more. i know that's what my mother would tell me. that 'why didn't i stop it', it was my fault for letting it happen more than once. once she could forgive, more than that it was my fault. i got what i deserved she always said. she also said i always love the attention (when she'd hit me) that i wanted it to happen. i apply that to that stupid little girl also.
>
> i was so confused and scared. but SHE was just stupid.
> i need to be held. (((((muffled))))
> tears.
> b2c.
>
*I don't know how to do cyber holds, but I send you one. I have my arms around you. Both of you and its ok. It will be ok. Nobody was bad. She wanted love. Poor wee thing wanted to be loved. That is not a crime. My wee one is almost 7. She needs alot of attn. She started Gr.1 so she is away for a chunk of day. When she comes home she loves to just be held. I hold her close and we hug and hug an hug for as long as she needs. The whole world stops. Its just her and me and love. Can you imagine that? Thats the way it should be. You had a messed up family, you got caught. Of course you loved your brother, most little girls do. Of course you wanted attn. My kids sure do.Kids are needy little creatures. You didn't get what you needed. You tried. Poor wee thing she tried. Poor B2, you both hurt. Poor B2, its gonna be ok. ((((B2))))(((((little girl)))))
Muffled
Posted by muffled on November 17, 2005, at 10:33:20
In reply to Re: (((((B2))))))), posted by muffled on November 17, 2005, at 10:23:18
I have to run, but I send you hugs and holds and caring.
(((((((((((((((((((((B2)))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((little girl))))))))))))))))))))))
Muffled.
Posted by B2chica on November 17, 2005, at 10:35:27
In reply to Re: (((((B2))))))), posted by muffled on November 17, 2005, at 10:23:18
i can't keep reading posts. you keep making me cry. i think that's good though. i never cry in session when i think i should be.
you are such a wonderful person. even though on one level i'm not letting your hugs go to that undeserving stupid girl, i think you're helping to break down that wall, hearing this over and over. maybe someday i'll believe it. you also don't know how much i appreciate you continuous support.
you truly are a genuine person.
thank you ((muffled))).
b2c.
This is the end of the thread.
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