Posted by muffled on November 16, 2005, at 13:28:02
In reply to Re: is it real....possible trigger, posted by B2chica on November 16, 2005, at 11:51:49
> he asked if anything set that off, how long i've been feeling that. he was a few mintues late and asked if that's what did it. (it didn't...i don't think) he said i need to show my anger and that he can handle it (as long as i don't get physical.
* easy for THEM to say. You've had to take alot in in the last while, don't expect your thinking is gonna be so great and organized and logical. Its hard to be all mixed up.
>
> > > when i left his session i was ticked, went home and still ticked and starting to get exhausted. then it hit and all i could do was stare to i went to bed and listed to music....MAN did i ever want to cut, i even told T that i was going to, and in my mind there's nothing he could do to stop me.*Good for you to control yourself from cut. You were in a rage zone of confusion. I go there too.
>
> for the firs time there was little response, he said what can we do so you won't cut. then he cut off the session and said he had to return that call that he got so didn't walk me to front office like he usually does. by then i was really ticked and wanted to cut REALLY bad!
>
* revenge cut, not so good. But you didn't? If so. Wow. Good for you. Some part of you stopped you. Good to have that part.> > when i was on my bed listening to music if i could have moved i would have gotten a knife and started in but it's like i couldn't even move, then i started to cry.
* I know the can't move thing, its weird all right, but good in that no cut. I can't cry yet. Can't show weakness yet.
> > > my T said something that i remembered and it triggered crying. he said i have a lot to grieve about.
i don't feel as thought i have a right to grieve.* Yeah. I guess I feel that way about myself too. Sh*t.
Of course I think YOU do have right. Just not me cuz I didn't have hard stuff like you.> > > is this real? did these things that i've talked about really happen and happen to me? did i imagine it? did i make it up? i want T to tell me he doesn't believe me and that i made it all up. it doesn't seem real. i want him to say i'm lying. it feels like i am. i just don't think i can stand it if it was all real. the feelings are scaring me. i need someone to hang on to.
> > > please tell me you understand?*Sh*t. Crazy sucks man. But you've made it this far. You survived, now you goto heal. Things'll get better. I am telling myself this stuff too. Zooming thoughts. Hard.
> just be here...listen. please don't get tired of me talking. i really need this place. i feel like i need to see him 5 times a week. if only i had tons of money...i would.
*You strong b2, you teaching me lots, thank-you. I'm glad you sharing. Good for all.
I think you on right road.
Do you pray? Helps me some> i'm scared of my fear and anger.
* I've finally decided my T. REALLY isn't afraid of me. Makes me less afraid of me. If that makes sense.
> >
> that's a problem. the same rules that i govern for myself i don't apply to others. others have a right to grieve, to help, to nondestructive behavior. i deserve to be hurt, injured, damaged and thrown away.*No one deserves that I don't suppose. For me, I don't know how it happened, but somehow I met the small happy innocent child inside of me. All I felt was simple completely uncluttered pure true happiness. It was SO weird and wonderful, and it was ME. After that I didn't hate myself nearly so much, cuz then I'd have to hate her. And she was so completely sweet, I loved her. She is part of me.
> > > unsure of everything.*I think of my 'stuff'as puzzle pieces and sometimes I am SO confused, and sometimes the pieces fit. Sometimes I'm just completely overwhelmed.
>
> thank you, but i'm beginning to feel more helpless and hopeless, thus worthless.*Definately not worthless to ME. Sorry its so hard. I could say a ton of nicey, nice stuff, but when I'm in that place, I mostly don't get it.
You tough, you brave, you survived, you will get thru this.
(Just had to slip some in) Cuz I care.
((((B2))))
Muffled
>
>
poster:muffled
thread:579277
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/579352.html