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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on November 9, 2005, at 12:27:27
i had a message all typed out (twice) and ready to submit but i just can't do it, delete, delete.
there is something that i need to say outloud and Just can't do it. my t knows it, my pdoc knows it, you all even know it, but i just can't say it. why? because i still don't feel like it applies to me. like i have nothing to b!tch about, i'm a lucky one cuz nothing ever happened that caused permanent damage.ok...i was...quickly-
i was sexually abused by my brother and neighbor boy from about age 7 to 11.
there...i don't even need any replies i just, well i just had to say it.
do i need to convince myself? could i be wrong? could my T be wrong? what if it really wasnt that bad and by saying that it was i'm demeaning those that really did suffer?
god I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!is my anger is starting to rise??
when will this end? i'm starting to think about death again, but this time i'm not depressed. don't worry i'm not a danger to myself. their thoughts, not ready to act them out.
b2c
Posted by muffled on November 9, 2005, at 13:57:02
In reply to going to say...but**trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 9, 2005, at 12:27:27
B2, suffering is how the sufferer takes it. We all wired differently. My husband had a real crazy upbringing, but he's the most together guy I know. Then there me with my perfect life and I'm all f*cked up. Go figger. It used to really bug me. But now I realize that we all diff. in how we experience things. The response of what happened to you could be so widlely varied. Anything from not bothered much to homicidal or suicidal. All from the same event. We just all different. Its not a good or bad thing.I admire you HUGELY for what your are being able to do. I feel what happened to you was awful and scarey,that you did suffer and are suffering, that is my perspective. I guess we just got to look at trying to get past our pains one way or another and try to be the best that we can be in this time we have here on this earth.
I think you should post anything you want if it helps. And I won't judge you're pain if you don't judge mine. O.K.
B2, you are wonderful and brave.
Take care (((((B2))))))
Muffled
Posted by allisonross on November 9, 2005, at 14:04:53
In reply to going to say...but**trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 9, 2005, at 12:27:27
>Hi, Bc2.
Newbie here
Hi, sweetie:
I am an overcomer (I prefer that word, instead of survivor) of 31 years of abusive marriage, and a childhood of abuse and being molested.
i had a message all typed out (twice) and ready to submit but i just can't do it, delete, delete.
> there is something that i need to say outloud and Just can't do it. my t knows it, my pdoc knows it, you all even know it, but i just can't say it. why? because i still don't feel like it applies to me. like i have nothing to b!tch about, i'm a lucky one cuz nothing ever happened that caused permanent damage.What do you see as permanent damage? Even ONE incident of molestation can cause lifelong problems. A scattergun effect.....drinking, drugs, physical problems; the list is endless. i won't bother to go into here.
>
> ok...i was...quickly-> i was sexually abused by my brother and neighbor boy from about age 7 to 11.
> there...proud of you for (even) writing it. Takes courage!
>
> i don't even need any replies i just, well i just had to say it.
> do i need to convince myself?You mean that it really happened?
could i be wrong? could my T be wrong? what if it really wasnt that bad
Being molested is horrific; a crime.
We all do what we need to to stay out of pain; if we can make a traumatic incident smaller in our minds, it helps us to cope with it
Are you saying (I find this with abuse survivors), that other people's stuff is far worse than yours? I know i feel that way.
Like I shoudn't bring up what happened to me, because someone else's stuff is so much more horrific.
That is like saying you were a LITTLE abused, or that it was just a little rape. Would you say you were a "little" molested? See how we can minimize?
and by saying that it was i'm demeaning those that really did suffer?
Why do you think that YOU did not suffer?
We all are traumatized and in pain when abused by anyone by any kind of abuse. We all process it differently; but pain....is pain.
> god I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I know.
>
> is my anger is starting to rise??That could be good. That could be a first step in getting "it" out....and healing. Little baby steps, a little at a time.
> when will this end?I don't have the answers, dear new friend, but have you told your T yet? I get by what you said, that you have not?
I believe that the key to healing from ANYthing, is to get it out, talk about it (easier said than done, I know).
This anguish and pain is like a huge cancer growing inside, and unless "we" open it up (operate on it if you like), it will eat us alive. you deserve to start healing; you are a precious person on the planet.
i'm starting to think about death again, but this time i'm not depressed. don't worry i'm not a danger to myself. their thoughts, not ready to act them out.
Can you be open/authentic with your T and tell him this?
Feel free to e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com
Love, Ally
> b2c
Posted by littleone on November 9, 2005, at 15:12:49
In reply to going to say...but**trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 9, 2005, at 12:27:27
I'm glad you told your secret. That is such a big step. It took a lot of courage.
You can take a moment to just breathe and settle yourself a little. We can sit on the swings and watch the flutterby's.
> do i need to convince myself? could i be wrong? could my T be wrong? what if it really wasnt that bad and by saying that it was i'm demeaning those that really did suffer?
What happened, happened. It can be hard to put an exact name on something and even when you do, it can take a long time to *feel* that name fitting. But regardless of what name you put to it, you know those things happened.
Re could your T be wrong - I'm often asking my T how he knows my parents were as bad as I say they were. He's never met them. He wasn't there. I'm probably just blowing things all out of proportion or focusing on the bad stuff or whatever.
He says that he doesn't have to meet them. That he can see very clearly from my difficulties that *something* bad happened.
And I think I'm starting to learn that my something bad doesn't have to be compared to anyone else's something bad. I just have to know that it was bad for me. That it had a bad effect on me. And that's what counts.
I've read trauma books and they often talk about trauma having the objective and subjective components. The objective is what actually happened. And the subjective is what effect it had on you. Two people can suffer through the same event. One will cope well with it and move on, while the other may not cope well and develop PTSD and whatnot. It doesn't make one better or worse than the other. It doesn't mean that one is minimising or exagerating the event. It just means that because each person has their own unique history, they interpret and cope with events differently.
So no, you're not demeaning others by telling your secret. You're simply saying what happened and that it was bad for you.
And I'm glad you could take that step. Will we sit on the swings together now?
Posted by Gee on November 9, 2005, at 16:20:01
In reply to Re: going to say...but**trigger** » B2chica, posted by littleone on November 9, 2005, at 15:12:49
B2C, you are so brave for saying it out loud. It's hard to admit that anythings wrong when the mask has been up for so long.
Take a bit of time for yourself. Give yourself permission to be be angry. I would be!!!
Posted by Tamar on November 9, 2005, at 18:17:41
In reply to going to say...but**trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 9, 2005, at 12:27:27
Wow B2C, you are *so* brave! Well done for saying it. It’s really difficult to do.
> do i need to convince myself? could i be wrong? could my T be wrong? what if it really wasnt that bad and by saying that it was i'm demeaning those that really did suffer?
I know it’s hard to believe. And so we ask ourselves over and over whether we’re wrong. Or we tell ourselves it wasn’t *really* abuse. I think it’s hard to believe because it’s so shocking. We wonder if something so very shocking could actually have happened to us.
But, shocking though it is, you were able to say it. And that takes enormous courage. I’m so impressed that you were able to do that.
(((((B2C)))))
> i'm starting to think about death again,
I think people often have dark thoughts after telling. Maybe people want to protect themselves from the horror of it… or punish themselves for telling the secret…
Hang in there. Take it an hour at a time. I’ll be thinking of you.
Tamar
Posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 19:45:17
In reply to going to say...but**trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 9, 2005, at 12:27:27
You need to do what you need to do. Write it, scream it, whisper it... and as many times as you want/need to. You don't need to protect those who hurt you. Your hurt doesn't diminish anyone else's hurt, there are no comparisons.
Asking the question: "did the REALLY happen?" is understandable. We were conditioned to not believe our own instincts or feelings. We were told it doesn't hurt, or you like this, or you deserve this...how can we trust ourselves now?
Strange that you should post this today, because I asked again today, "what happened was bad, right? And it did happen -- it isn't just a nightmare? And you believe me, right?" I look straight into his eyes and he never flinches, he just says, "yes, it was bad. Yes I believe you. And yes, I'm sorry, this really happened to you." I always feel sort of stupid asking those questions, like I should already know, but I NEED to -- some part of me needs him to confirm that I have good reason to feel this bad.
Hang in there. You are doing the hard stuff. I'm proud of you and here to listen.
Hugs from me,
Daisy
Posted by happyflower on November 10, 2005, at 9:32:45
In reply to Re: going to say...but**trigger** » B2chica, posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 19:45:17
(((((B2))))) I think just admitting what happended to you is a very big step! In fact I think it is one of the biggest steps in healing, at least it was for me. Once I admitted that I was abused, the ball started rolling for me into healing the pain. Good work, B2, you are doing great. :)
Posted by B2chica on November 10, 2005, at 9:49:36
In reply to going to say...but**trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 9, 2005, at 12:27:27
muffled, your right, different people, different responses thank you for the hugs.
Ally, >>Being molested is horrific; a crime. i know this is true for others, why can't i believe it applies to me?
LIttle One >>We can sit on the swings and watch the flutterby's.>> i'll take you up on that. that made me smile.
Gee, so right about this mask. it's starting to crumble and i scattering about trying to get the pieces back.
Tamar >>I think people often have dark thoughts after telling. Maybe people want to protect themselves from the horror of it… or punish themselves for telling the secret…>> this is it.
Happy flower, thanks so much for your cares and support.
thanks all
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on November 10, 2005, at 9:57:18
In reply to Re: going to say...but**trigger** » B2chica, posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 19:45:17
> You need to do what you need to do. Write it, scream it, whisper it... and as many times as you want/need to. You don't need to protect those who hurt you. Your hurt doesn't diminish anyone else's hurt, there are no comparisons.
>
> Asking the question: "did the REALLY happen?" is understandable. We were conditioned to not believe our own instincts or feelings. We were told it doesn't hurt, or you like this, or you deserve this...how can we trust ourselves now?
>
> Strange that you should post this today, because I asked again today, "what happened was bad, right? And it did happen -- it isn't just a nightmare? And you believe me, right?" I look straight into his eyes and he never flinches, he just says, "yes, it was bad. Yes I believe you. And yes, I'm sorry, this really happened to you." I always feel sort of stupid asking those questions, like I should already know, but I NEED to -- some part of me needs him to confirm that I have good reason to feel this bad.
>
> Hang in there. You are doing the hard stuff. I'm proud of you and here to listen.
> Hugs from me,
> Daisy
daisy,
your post made me cry. i do feel like once isn't enough. i told my t everything and i thought i'd be done with it. now i feel like i keep needing to say it and that disgusts me.
when you wrote: We were told it doesn't hurt, or you like this, or you deserve this...how can we trust ourselves now?
i broke into tears. these are the EXACT words they used. especially my brother, he always in a soft voice kept saying "just a little more, you'll like it". that phrase haunts me. i HATE IT, i want to scream NO, NOT just alittle more, STOP NOW. but its too late, i was too slow, stupid, in disbelief and scared.
and i've asked my t that also, what he did was wrong right? he said yes.
-its so true, like some part of me needs to hear that i have a good reason to feel this bad.My GOD how wonderful you are. you've put to words what i couldn't. i think i'll take them in today. i was considering cancelling...cuz were going to tear apart some of the images today and i'm getting cold feet. but after reading what you wrote, i'll copy it and take it in so i have something to say even if i can't start of the tearing today.
thank you so much daisym.
i'll take those hugs.
b2c.
Posted by daisym on November 10, 2005, at 10:26:00
In reply to Re: going to say...but**trigger** » daisym, posted by B2chica on November 10, 2005, at 9:57:18
I've told you about the spiral, right?
Everytime I wail about being "back here, telling stories again" I get his speech about therapy being a spiral. He says, (clearing my throat)
"therapy is a kind of spiral where we go around and around the issues and we look at them from all sides, because they look different at different times. As we circle things again and again, we get closer to the core, and we learn more and more. Spirals are always interesting to look at so I never get bored hearing the same thing again. I hear something new everytime. And depending on how the wind is blowing today, the spiral will either spin or hang still. And we can't control the wind."
I still think I should be done telling all this stuff. But that is partly a defense mechanism because it hurts so much. I just want you to know that you aren't alone in telling stuff over and over again. I think we are trying to make sense out of something senseless.
Good luck today.
Posted by B2chica on November 10, 2005, at 11:15:58
In reply to Re: going to say...but**trigger** » B2chica, posted by daisym on November 10, 2005, at 10:26:00
no, i haven't heard about the spiral thing. i liked it so much i'm taking that in too.
i'm glad to hear someone else ruminates the h@ll out of these things. i was really thinking i'm some kinda freak or something, or worse that i kept thinking about it cuz i liked it. :(
thank you daisym.
b2c.
Posted by gardenergirl on November 11, 2005, at 15:20:02
In reply to going to say...but**trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 9, 2005, at 12:27:27
I saw this post when you first posted it and wasn't able to reply at the time. I've been looking for the thread since, and just now found it. So sorry for my delay in posting.
I'm sure that was very hard for you to say. I hope in saying it you feel a tiny bit of relief, although I'm sure it opens up a lot for you.
Take extra gentle care of yourself. You are worthy of tender care, and you are loved.
((((B2chica))))
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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