![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 29. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on November 6, 2005, at 22:34:52
All you guys. Alex, Damos FW,Rain, Sleepy, and I'm sorry if I've missed someone.
I appreciate your caring. Made it thru the weekend with minimal damage really. No stitches or x-rays requiered.
I'm sorry. I really f*cked up right now somehow. I don't know whats happening.
I don't know whats wrong.
So theres not much point in talking cuz I don't know what to say.
Except.
Thank you and I hope all goes ok mostly for everyone.
Muffled.
Posted by fairywings on November 7, 2005, at 12:39:10
In reply to Thanks*trigger?*, posted by muffled on November 6, 2005, at 22:34:52
hi (((muffled)))
How's your kid doing now? is she feeling better, less angry at all? maybe because she's been feeling so bad, so upset, that has you all confused? i hope you'll talk and work it out.
fw
Posted by Damos on November 7, 2005, at 15:03:51
In reply to Thanks*trigger?*, posted by muffled on November 6, 2005, at 22:34:52
You're more than welcome Muffled.
Hope you and the little ones are doing okay today. You just be here any old way you need to be okay, we're always happy to see you.
((((Muffled)))
Posted by muffled on November 7, 2005, at 15:19:28
In reply to Re: Thanks*trigger?* » muffled, posted by Damos on November 7, 2005, at 15:03:51
I'm still fuctioning. Doing what is requiered of this body. Muffled appears to be accounted for on the outside, but really, theres nobody home. We've gone. Even rational me. Just barely. I don't know who's running the show. Don't care. I think I've just shrivelled up into myself. I doubt its permanent. Its weird. I think thats the SI thing at the moment. Proly just trying to not go too far away. Helps me come back. Goto be here for my kids.
Am I making sense? Does anybody know whats happening? Am I going insane? What if I go too far away? What if I can't come back?
I'm sort of scared. But I'm not much of anything really.
Help.
Muffled:(?
Posted by Tamar on November 7, 2005, at 16:12:07
In reply to Thanks Guys. HELP???, posted by muffled on November 7, 2005, at 15:19:28
> I'm still fuctioning. Doing what is requiered of this body. Muffled appears to be accounted for on the outside, but really, theres nobody home. We've gone. Even rational me. Just barely. I don't know who's running the show. Don't care.
Are you more depressed than usual?
> I think I've just shrivelled up into myself. I doubt its permanent. Its weird. I think thats the SI thing at the moment. Proly just trying to not go too far away. Helps me come back. Goto be here for my kids.
Yeah, keep those kids in your mind. They need you.
> Am I making sense? Does anybody know whats happening? Am I going insane? What if I go too far away? What if I can't come back?
I think it does make sense. I don’t know what’s happening to you without more detail. Are you on meds – and if so, would adjusting them help… can you see a p-doc?
> I'm sort of scared. But I'm not much of anything really.
> Help.It sounds a bit like the thing I get when I feel disconnected from everything. A couple of people here pointed out that it can be a premenstrual thing, and I’ve certainly noticed that hormones can make a difference. It can be scary at the time, but so far I’ve always come back in a few days. How long have you been feeling like this?
Hope you’re feeling better soon.
Tamar
Posted by muffled on November 7, 2005, at 19:14:14
In reply to Re: Thanks Guys. HELP??? » muffled, posted by Tamar on November 7, 2005, at 16:12:07
> > I'm still fuctioning. Doing what is requiered of this body. Muffled appears to be accounted for on the outside, but really, theres nobody home. We've gone. Even rational me. Just barely. I don't know who's running the show. Don't care.
>
> Are you more depressed than usual?>* Starting to be, but not so bad. I have had clinical depression. But its not like that.
> > I think I've just shrivelled up into myself. I doubt its permanent. Its weird. I think thats the SI thing at the moment. Proly just trying to not go too far away. Helps me come back. Goto be here for my kids.
>
> Yeah, keep those kids in your mind. They need you.*Yeah, they love their Mom, Ilove them too.
>
> > Am I making sense? Does anybody know whats happening? Am I going insane? What if I go too far away? What if I can't come back?
>
> I think it does make sense. I don’t know what’s happening to you without more detail. Are you on meds – and if so, would adjusting them help… can you see a p-doc?*No meds. Cept xanax sometimes. AD's don't agree w/me. I goto a basic T. She and I don't wish any labels, they can haunt you, they really can.(not mentally but in IRL)
>
> > I'm sort of scared. But I'm not much of anything really.
>
> It sounds a bit like the thing I get when I feel disconnected from everything. A couple of people here pointed out that it can be a premenstrual thing, and I’ve certainly noticed that hormones can make a difference. It can be scary at the time, but so far I’ve always come back in a few days. How long have you been feeling like this?*A while, getting slowly worse. Since before I had my freakout about Dr.Bob where I thot maybe he was evil or something. Since a little before I had an encounter with my inner child. Since before oct26. I think maybe everytime I try to look at the past I start to freak out. My T usu. backs off cuz I get sort of risky behaviour. But I was doing better but theres a block I can't get by. I am missing part of myself, and its chewing away at my insides. I don't think I can be better until I stop or fix that part, or find it or something.I was trying to, but now I'm all weird. I'm trying not to smoke pot but once a week. Haven't smoked since last Tues. Don't smoke alot really but I'm trying to factor in all variables.Maybe I'm just freaking out in slow motion. Sorry this is long. I'm just having a hard time trying to understand.
I'm not normally such a nut. You'd never know it to see me in the schoolyard waiting to pick up my kids. I joke alot. I have SI off and on since early teens.
>
> Hope you’re feeling better soon.
>
> Tamar
>
> *Thanks Tamar. I appreciate your help.
Muffled
Posted by Tamar on November 7, 2005, at 19:43:26
In reply to Re: Thanks Guys. HELP??? » Tamar, posted by muffled on November 7, 2005, at 19:14:14
> > Are you more depressed than usual?
>
> >* Starting to be, but not so bad. I have had clinical depression. But its not like that.Well, knowing what it *isn’t* can be a good thing.
> > I think it does make sense. I don’t know what’s happening to you without more detail. Are you on meds – and if so, would adjusting them help… can you see a p-doc?
>
> *No meds. Cept xanax sometimes. AD's don't agree w/me. I goto a basic T. She and I don't wish any labels, they can haunt you, they really can.(not mentally but in IRL)I know what you mean. My T never gave me a diagnosis. I often thank him (in my mind) for that.
> *A while, getting slowly worse. Since before I had my freakout about Dr.Bob where I thot maybe he was evil or something.Was that the stuff about Dr Bob’s links to Nietzsche? I can imagine that someone who comes across Nietzsche for the first time might find it deeply disturbing. I reckon that’s a pretty normal response! I read Nietzsche for the first time when I was 28 and I didn’t know if I was coming or going… It’s very strange stuff. His ideas really have changed the world but they’ve also been frequently misunderstood…
> Since a little before I had an encounter with my inner child. Since before oct26. I think maybe everytime I try to look at the past I start to freak out. My T usu. backs off cuz I get sort of risky behaviour. But I was doing better but theres a block I can't get by. I am missing part of myself, and its chewing away at my insides. I don't think I can be better until I stop or fix that part, or find it or something.I was trying to, but now I'm all weird.
Going exploring inside yourself can be very difficult. Maybe you’re pulling away from the things you don’t want to acknowledge. That would be understandable. Just try not to pull away too far… Take it slowly.
> I'm trying not to smoke pot but once a week. Haven't smoked since last Tues. Don't smoke alot really but I'm trying to factor in all variables.Maybe I'm just freaking out in slow motion. Sorry this is long. I'm just having a hard time trying to understand.
> I'm not normally such a nut. You'd never know it to see me in the schoolyard waiting to pick up my kids. I joke alot. I have SI off and on since early teens.I really don’t think you’re a nut. And SI is hard but not unusual… Sometimes I think it’s better than the alternatives… I’d probably be in prison if I didn’t SI…
I guess the aim is to get to a place where we feel SI is no longer necessary.
When do you next see your T?
Tamar
Posted by fairywings on November 7, 2005, at 21:11:49
In reply to Re: Thanks Guys. HELP??? » Tamar, posted by muffled on November 7, 2005, at 19:14:14
hi (((muffled)))), is it possible that this is your mind's way of telling you it's not going to confront whatever it is you're dealing with right now? when i was hearing voices and felt other kids inside, my t suggested it was a coping mechanism. maybe your way is to shut down? try not to freak out. try not to stay in your head too much.
fw
Posted by muffled on November 7, 2005, at 22:27:40
In reply to Re: Thanks Guys. HELP??? » muffled, posted by Tamar on November 7, 2005, at 19:43:26
> > > Are you more depressed than usual?
>* Starting to be, but not so bad. I have had clinical depression. But its not like that.
> Well, knowing what it *isn’t* can be a good thing.*yeah. Always good to look at the good. Depressions really awful and so misunderstood.
>> I know what you mean. My T never gave me a diagnosis. I often thank him (in my mind) for that.
*Yeah, it can be a big deal. Good T.
> Was that the stuff about Dr Bob’s links to Nietzsche?
*Yes. It really freaked me. Then Dr.Bob wouldn't answer and I thot it must mean it was true that he thot that the stuff that was bothering me was good. He never did reply ever? Still feel a little bad bout that.
> Going exploring inside yourself can be very difficult. Maybe you’re pulling away from the things you don’t want to acknowledge. That would be understandable. Just try not to pull away too far… Take it slowly.
*Part of the problem is that I have very few memories of youngsterhood. Almost none. But this damn thing eating away at the inside of me....
>
> * I'm not normally such a nut. You'd never know it to see me in the schoolyard waiting to pick up my kids. I joke alot. I have SI off and on since early teens.
>
> I really don’t think you’re a nut. And SI is hard but not unusual… Sometimes I think it’s better than the alternatives… I’d probably be in prison if I didn’t SI…*SO glad you not in prison, I would die there.
*Yes. SI is not the end of the world. Its a very important survival tool. My T. understands that. But I goto find a better way, I'm trying w/my T, but I'm not good at talking. I got too many scars. I hate lying to my kids about them.
>
> I guess the aim is to get to a place where we feel SI is no longer necessary.*Thats what I want, but I can't seem to get there. I start to go so crazy. I wanto see it thru this time. I am tired of this quasi-life. I'm proly wrecking my kids somehow without realizing it. Maybe I'm better to just go for it and if I end up in hospital maybe I'll be out soon and it'll be ok? Oh but my kids...my kids, I love them and they depend on me so.
Ijust don't know. I'm so tired of the endless chewing. I'm a dry alcoholic(10+ years). I wonder if the alcohol stopped the chewing? Don't remember. Didn't know then, what I do now. I will NOT drink, cuz then I may as well be dead cuz I'd lose my kids. So I have to find a better way.
>
> When do you next see your T?Not until Thursday. 10 days from last appt. She had something on this Tues. which is my normal day. Last week I went with my husband so I didn't say much either then. Been a long time. I'm trying to hate her, but shes actually very nice.
>> Thanks Tamar.
Muffled.
>
Posted by muffled on November 7, 2005, at 22:40:24
In reply to Re: Thanks Guys. HELP??? » muffled, posted by fairywings on November 7, 2005, at 21:11:49
> hi (((muffled)))), is it possible that this is your mind's way of telling you it's not going to confront whatever it is you're dealing with right now? when i was hearing voices and felt other kids inside, my t suggested it was a coping mechanism. maybe your way is to shut down? try not to freak out. try not to stay in your head too much.
> fwMy mind may not want to confront, but I do, I'm so sick of this, it goes on and on and on. Maybe I'm taking a break somehow. Just writing about it has been very helpful. Ive actually been quite busy, thankfully, or I proly would have flipped by now.
Sometimes I think (and its proly true) that my T. just has no idea of my weird headspace. I goto my appt. and by the time I chill enough totalk the time is pretty much up. We never get too intense. Sometimes I write her some stuff, but I don't thinnk the written word does much for her. I think she needs all the body language and stuff that goes along with it. I guess I don't want her to think I'm too crazy.
Thanks FW, the replys really mean alot to me.
Hope you're doing ok .
I like your hugs.
Thanks.
Muffled.
Posted by Tamar on November 8, 2005, at 4:07:55
In reply to Its the chewing of my guts...endless » Tamar, posted by muffled on November 7, 2005, at 22:27:40
> > Was that the stuff about Dr Bob’s links to Nietzsche?
>
> *Yes. It really freaked me. Then Dr.Bob wouldn't answer and I thot it must mean it was true that he thot that the stuff that was bothering me was good. He never did reply ever? Still feel a little bad bout that.Nietzsche really is freaky in places! But his writing is quite respected among academics, philosophers etc. All that stuff he wrote in Antichrist for example (the bit that I think freaked you out the most) is asking some really difficult questions. And Nietzsche says himself in the preface to Antichrist that in order to understand him, people have to become indifferent and to have courage for the forbidden. Well, Antichrist is pretty forbidden stuff! I’m not sure that I have the courage for the forbidden that Nietzsche says is a requirement for understanding his work, so I guess that’s why I find it a bit freaky too. I think there’s nothing wrong in refusing to understand Nietzsche! (But I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with people who *do* want to understand his work; they’ve taken a step that I’m not sure I want to take, but not everyone has to be like me!)
About Dr Bob not answering your posts about it… I think there’s a lot of stuff he doesn’t answer. In a way he’s like an authority here, because he runs the site, but at the same time I get the impression that he prefers us to interact with each other, without him getting involved. So the fact that there was a discussion about Nietzsche probably meant that he decided the discussion didn’t need his voice. Well, that’s just my take on it… I also think that the link to Nietzsche’s work doesn’t necessarily mean that Dr Bob agrees with every word of it. People who work in universities can often be quite detached from what they read; considering ideas just as ideas without having a personal investment in them. So maybe it’s not a case of thinking Nietzsche is good or bad, but simply that his ideas are interesting. Which I suppose they are, once you get past the initial strangeness of it. But I still don’t *like* Nietzsche much…
> *Part of the problem is that I have very few memories of youngsterhood. Almost none. But this damn thing eating away at the inside of me....I reckon that not having memories can sometimes be as distressing as having bad memories… it’s like you know there’s something there and if you could just remember what it is you might at least be able to understand it. It’s very frustrating. And you wonder what the memories might be if you had them… It’s hard to deal with having no memories.
> *SO glad you not in prison, I would die there.
> *Yes. SI is not the end of the world. Its a very important survival tool. My T. understands that. But I goto find a better way, I'm trying w/my T, but I'm not good at talking. I got too many scars. I hate lying to my kids about them.(((((Muffled))))) It takes time to get used to talking. It’s not easy at all. But for me it does seem to help with the SI thing.
> > I guess the aim is to get to a place where we feel SI is no longer necessary.
>
> *Thats what I want, but I can't seem to get there. I start to go so crazy. I wanto see it thru this time. I am tired of this quasi-life. I'm proly wrecking my kids somehow without realizing it. Maybe I'm better to just go for it and if I end up in hospital maybe I'll be out soon and it'll be ok? Oh but my kids...my kids, I love them and they depend on me so.You’re being rather hard on yourself! I am sure you’re not wrecking your kids. What they need most of all is your love, and you do love them. But I also *don’t* think you’re better just to go for it and risk ending up in hospital. Please do keep trying to talk… either to your T or here at Babble.
> Ijust don't know. I'm so tired of the endless chewing. I'm a dry alcoholic(10+ years). I wonder if the alcohol stopped the chewing? Don't remember. Didn't know then, what I do now. I will NOT drink, cuz then I may as well be dead cuz I'd lose my kids. So I have to find a better way.
You’re doing really well! Ten years without a drink is an excellent achievement. It must have been really hard to stop, and I’m sure you don’t want to go through it all again. I don’t know if alcohol would have stopped the chewing… you might still have been chewing but you would have been less aware of it. Do you do any relaxation techniques? That might help with the chewing. It’s hard to settle down to try relaxing, but it can help.
> Not until Thursday. 10 days from last appt. She had something on this Tues. which is my normal day. Last week I went with my husband so I didn't say much either then. Been a long time. I'm trying to hate her, but shes actually very nice.
Counting down till Thursday then. Just take it an hour at a time. I’m glad your T is nice.
Tamar
Posted by fairywings on November 8, 2005, at 7:45:38
In reply to Hi » fairywings, posted by muffled on November 7, 2005, at 22:40:24
(((muffled)))
it's so frustrating when you don't feel you've gotten anywhere in a session, and you feel like you never really touch any of the deeper stuff. i've felt that way a lot too. i'm really guarded, so i guess it'll either take awhile or i'll never get there. i'm afraid of what he'll think if he really knows me too. i don't think you're crazy, i love to read your posts, and you are always so kind and sweet.i have trouble expressing my feelings in words, and usually write it because i can't say it. if i say it, it either comes out a fraction of what i really want to say, or it sounds sarcastic, and that's not what i intend. it's so hard, i hope we get there one day. i'm reading carl rogers right now, it's interesting. i can't read deep philosophical stuff, it doesn't register for me, my mind drifts and in can't sink in. i'm not smart enough.
i'm doing fine, thanks for asking. hope today is good for you. i'll be thinking of you.
fw
Posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 9:39:17
In reply to Re: Its the chewing of my guts...endless » muffled, posted by Tamar on November 8, 2005, at 4:07:55
Thanks again Tamar for the replys. Its bizarre and I goto think on it, but darned if I am not feeling some better? I still feel rather weird, but not so desparate. I am still functioning.
As to Dr. Bob, I still have 'issues' bout him somehow, but I'll just leave it for now. I just think his policies are harsh to the point of making it difficult to talk, thats all. Poor Alex got blocked. When i'm feeling better maybe I can ask him about that. Not that he'd answer me.
Is this wrong for me to ask?But do you still, SI? If not how did you be able to not? You can ignore that if you want. Sorry if I'm rude.
Got to make lunches and get kids moving, time for school.
Tamar, do you take hugs? I didn't used to, now I think I like them.
Hope alls ok with you.
Muffled.
Posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 9:43:23
In reply to Re: Hi » muffled, posted by fairywings on November 8, 2005, at 7:45:38
Fairywings, love your name, love yer hugs. You nice too.
Do you give your writings, or some of them to your T?
Glad your doing fine.
I'm not too smart either, downright dense.
Oh well, at least i'm not mean. At least not on purpose.
Goto run. Kids to school.
Bye.
Muffled
Posted by fairywings on November 8, 2005, at 10:50:07
In reply to Re: Hi » fairywings, posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 9:43:23
Hi muffled, i do give what i write to my T, I can't talk at first, so i'm glad he takes them. and we talk about some of the stuff i write, but usually i write too much to cover. of course, i have a journal i'd never show him, but i try to tell him my feelings.
you ARE smart, i've read your posts, i can tell. you're too hard on yourself little (((muffled))).
and i agree, you're not mean either. you sure are having a rough time now though, so try to go easy on yourself.
fw
Posted by Tamar on November 8, 2005, at 11:22:23
In reply to Re: Its the chewing of my guts...endless » Tamar, posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 9:39:17
> Thanks again Tamar for the replys. Its bizarre and I goto think on it, but darned if I am not feeling some better? I still feel rather weird, but not so desparate. I am still functioning.
Glad you’re feeling a bit better. It’s a step in the right direction, eh?
> As to Dr. Bob, I still have 'issues' bout him somehow, but I'll just leave it for now. I just think his policies are harsh to the point of making it difficult to talk, thats all. Poor Alex got blocked. When i'm feeling better maybe I can ask him about that. Not that he'd answer me.
I think a lot of people have ‘issues’ about Dr Bob. He’s something of an authority figure who can block people from using the site; he doesn’t interact very much with us except on administrative matters so he can seem a bit of a mystery; I guess we don’t ever know much about what he thinks and yet he knows quite a lot about what we think (assuming he reads our posts… though I don’t know how he can read *all* of them.) I guess he’s a bit like a therapist in that way. And maybe it’s easy to experience some transference when we think about him.
I was also sad that Alex got blocked. I think I understand why it happened… but I guess the civility rules (like anything) can be open to interpretation.
> Is this wrong for me to ask?But do you still, SI? If not how did you be able to not? You can ignore that if you want. Sorry if I'm rude.
That’s fine; you can ask me anything! I’ll answer anything (though I’m a bit nervous about saying anything that might identify me). Yes, I do still SI sometimes. Not as much as I used to. I usually manage not to by talking to my husband about whatever has triggered the need to SI. And I also spent a lot of time figuring out what my SI triggers were. Certain events and feelings and discussions seem to lead that way, but knowing what they are does seem to help me work through it…
> Tamar, do you take hugs? I didn't used to, now I think I like them.
Yeah, hugs are good! Here are some for you: (((((Muffled)))))
Take care,
Tamar
Posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 15:16:01
In reply to Re: Its the chewing of my guts...endless » muffled, posted by Tamar on November 8, 2005, at 11:22:23
> Glad you’re feeling a bit better. It’s a step in the right direction, eh?
*Hope so. I think I'm my own worst enemy.
> That’s fine; you can ask me anything! I’ll answer anything (though I’m a bit nervous about saying anything that might identify me). Yes, I do still SI sometimes. Not as much as I used to. I usually manage not to by talking to my husband about whatever has triggered the need to SI. And I also spent a lot of time figuring out what my SI triggers were. Certain events and feelings and discussions seem to lead that way, but knowing what they are does seem to help me work through it…*I think my T. has tried to do the same with me. But sometimes I think I must ahve brain damage or resistance or something. Cuz I just ahve the worst time trying to figger out whats going on with me. Its like I can't see myself, or understand myself. I'm so confused. Sometimes we'll go thru the list I've tried to make, and it all makes sense. But it doesn't really help. I don't know why. I'm glad to hear you still SI (isn't that awful!!!!!!!!), but really it makes me feel better cuz you're pretty smart and all, so maybe I'm not so bad either. Am I making sense?Sometimes at appts. I sort of blank out some and miss stuff too.
May I ask if you ever figgered out why you are the way you are? Boy am I ever glad you didn't go to jail. What sort of things really set you off? Or is that not a good thing to ask? How is it that talking makes it go away?
Guess you kinda sorry you said I could ask you anything eh!!!!> Yeah, hugs are good! Here are some for you: (((((Muffled)))))
>
Thanks!!! Some for you too, thanks, ((((Tamar))))
Muffled
>
>
Posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 15:29:28
In reply to Re: Hi » muffled, posted by fairywings on November 8, 2005, at 10:50:07
Posted by Tamar on November 8, 2005, at 19:17:51
In reply to Re: Its the chewing of my guts...endless » Tamar, posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 15:16:01
> *I think my T. has tried to do the same with me. But sometimes I think I must ahve brain damage or resistance or something. Cuz I just ahve the worst time trying to figger out whats going on with me. Its like I can't see myself, or understand myself. I'm so confused. Sometimes we'll go thru the list I've tried to make, and it all makes sense. But it doesn't really help. I don't know why.
I think it takes a long time. And resistance can be part of it. Sometimes it’s easier to resist than to face things head-on. I know I’ve done plenty of resistance. I still resist (which is why I’m avoiding going back to therapy…)
> I'm glad to hear you still SI (isn't that awful!!!!!!!!), but really it makes me feel better cuz you're pretty smart and all, so maybe I'm not so bad either. Am I making sense?Sometimes at appts. I sort of blank out some and miss stuff too.
Oh, I don’t think it’s awful to feel glad that other people have similar experiences. It makes us feel more normal when we realise that other people do the same kinds of things and feel the same sorts of stuff. But I don’t think being smart has anything to do with it. Besides which... I can tell that you *are* smart. So don’t put yourself down! I like the way you use language… you have a very poetic way of expressing yourself sometimes.
About blanking out in therapy… it sounds a bit like dissociation to me. Possibly because you’re very uncomfortable with the discussion? On the other hand, you might just be tired and finding the whole thing too intense to concentrate. Have you talked about it with your T?
> May I ask if you ever figgered out why you are the way you are? Boy am I ever glad you didn't go to jail. What sort of things really set you off? Or is that not a good thing to ask? How is it that talking makes it go away?
I’m not sure why I am the way I am. For a while I thought there might be some unremembered trauma in my childhood. Now I’m not so sure (although I think it’s true for some people). I’m coming to the conclusion that I was quite emotionally sensitive as a kid, and things that other people seem to deal with easily enough were very problematic to me. But I’m still uncertain… There were some obvious traumas in my teens (sexual assaults and some weird stuff involving my father). But I can’t entirely understand why, for example, I routinely dissociated during sex from the very first time I was sexually active….
The things that set me off most are arguments with my husband. Not all arguments, but arguments that take on a huge significance for me: when I think he absolutely doesn’t understand me or just doesn’t love me. Of course, I know he does love me. But sometimes I’m just so afraid he doesn’t really love me. Sometimes I’m afraid my love for him makes no difference to him.
Talking usually makes it better because I realise that (for example) if he wants to watch football on TV instead of talking to me, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. It just means he wants to watch football for a couple of hours. After that, I can have his attention again. I don’t *usually* feel hurt when he watches football; actually, I usually like watching football too. But every now and then I find that something else is going on with me; maybe if I’ve been triggered by something on the news about sexual violence. And then I find it helps if I can talk about it: if I can say to him that I need his attention more than usual because I’ve felt triggered… rather than feeling desperately hurt because he would rather watch football than chat. And he’s getting good at understanding when I’m very anxious so maybe he’ll reassure me and perhaps we end up watching football snuggled up together… It’s just an example, but that’s the kind of thing that happens with me. It’s all about throwing all my feelings at him and expecting him to understand, and if he doesn’t understand I feel destroyed…
About the jail thing… I mentioned that because if I don’t SI, sometimes I feel violent urges towards other people. I SI instead because it seems more acceptable to turn those feelings of rage towards myself. I guess the best thing is to talk about those feelings rather than acting on them… Easier said than done, though.
> Guess you kinda sorry you said I could ask you anything eh!!!!
Nah… I don’t mind answering questions. If I wasn’t prepared to do it, I wouldn’t be posting…
> Thanks!!! Some for you too, thanks, ((((Tamar))))
Thanks for the hugs! I’m glad you’re feeling more comfortable with them.
Hugs to you too.
Tamar
Posted by sleepygirl on November 8, 2005, at 22:05:15
In reply to Thanks*trigger?*, posted by muffled on November 6, 2005, at 22:34:52
You are very sweet my dear. Supremely sensitive - reminds me of someone with the initials sg ;-)
Posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 22:05:22
In reply to Re: Its the chewing of my guts...endless » muffled, posted by Tamar on November 8, 2005, at 19:17:51
> > *I think my T. has tried to do the same with me. But sometimes I think I must ahve brain damage or resistance or something.
> I think it takes a long time. And resistance can be part of it. Sometimes it’s easier to resist than to face things head-on. I know I’ve done plenty of resistance. I still resist (which is why I’m avoiding going back to therapy…)*How does a person know their resisting? How do you not resist. Y'know the word resist is one of those words that if you say it too manny times starts to seem really weird!!!!
>
> About blanking out in therapy… it sounds a bit like dissociation to me. Possibly because you’re very uncomfortable with the discussion? On the other hand, you might just be tired and finding the whole thing too intense to concentrate. Have you talked about it with your T?*She knows I blank. I do it alot less. I find it excruciatingly difficult to talk about myself. So I just sort of, I dunno, I'm just not all there. I can hear. but its sort of like its far away or something. I can completely miss some things. I'll all of a sudden notice its quiet and I'm sitting there and I'll say, am I supposed to say something? cuz i figger she must be waiting for an answer or something. I don't like it.
> I’m not sure why I am the way I am. For a while I thought there might be some unremembered trauma in my childhood. Now I’m not so sure (although I think it’s true for some people). I’m coming to the conclusion that I was quite emotionally sensitive as a kid, and things that other people seem to deal with easily enough were very problematic to me. But I’m still uncertain…
*whoah, you my clone! Thats me exactly.My T. said the same. Supersensitive maybe. I had a perfect childhood I'm sure. At least thats what I tell myself. can't remember.
There were some obvious traumas in my teens (sexual assaults and some weird stuff involving my father). But I can’t entirely understand why, for example, I routinely dissociated during sex from the very first time I was sexually active….
*I have a bit of a thing about sex but I haven't looked at it yet. I have a wonderful husband, but i'd just as sonn, rather really, just do my own thing as it were. Sex is too intimate I think.
>
> The things that set me off most are arguments with my husband. Not all arguments, but arguments that take on a huge significance for me: when I think he absolutely doesn’t understand me or just doesn’t love me. Of course, I know he does love me. But sometimes I’m just so afraid he doesn’t really love me. Sometimes I’m afraid my love for him makes no difference to him.*Wow. That sounds really hard. Especially when you know your perhaps being illogical, but can't help feeling that way despite yourself. I do that alot.
>
> Talking usually makes it better because I realise that (for example) if he wants to watch football on TV instead of talking to me, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. It just means he wants to watch football for a couple of hours. After that, I can have his attention again. I don’t *usually* feel hurt when he watches football; actually, I usually like watching football too. But every now and then I find that something else is going on with me; maybe if I’ve been triggered by something on the news about sexual violence. And then I find it helps if I can talk about it: if I can say to him that I need his attention more than usual because I’ve felt triggered… rather than feeling desperately hurt because he would rather watch football than chat. And he’s getting good at understanding when I’m very anxious so maybe he’ll reassure me and perhaps we end up watching football snuggled up together… It’s just an example, but that’s the kind of thing that happens with me.*That sounds good. Where do the bad feelings go? Do they just go away?
It’s all about throwing all my feelings at him and expecting him to understand, and if he doesn’t understand I feel destroyed…*Does that happen? Man I'd definately SI over that. I'd proly be doing it to punish myself.
>
> About the jail thing… I mentioned that because if I don’t SI, sometimes I feel violent urges towards other people. I SI instead because it seems more acceptable to turn those feelings of rage towards myself. I guess the best thing is to talk about those feelings rather than acting on them… Easier said than done, though.*I'm very fortunate I don't get violent to other people. Just to myself. As a teen I was a punk and trashed other peoples stuff and slashed tires etc. I guess thats how I got the violence out.
My problem is ID'ing the feelings and talking about them. I blank then.
>
*Guess you kinda sorry you said I could ask you anything eh!!!!
>
> Nah… I don’t mind answering questions. If I wasn’t prepared to do it, I wouldn’t be posting…
>
*Thanks again Tamar. Weird how similar some of our stuff is. that makes me feel better too.
Take care,
Muffled.
Posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 22:13:12
In reply to Re: Thanks*trigger?* » muffled, posted by sleepygirl on November 8, 2005, at 22:05:15
> You are very sweet my dear. Supremely sensitive - reminds me of someone with the initials sg ;-)
Sleepy,
*O.K. Now you got me curious. Thats a very cryptic post. Do I remind you of you? Or someone IRL? Or maybe a person on babble?
You gotta tell!!!
Muffled.
Posted by sleepygirl on November 8, 2005, at 22:19:54
In reply to ???? » sleepygirl, posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 22:13:12
just me, l'il ole sleepy girl - yes, it was kinda cryptic (sorry, that's me blushing on account of how incredibly sensitive I can be). You remind me of myself.
Posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 22:27:37
In reply to Re: ???? » muffled, posted by sleepygirl on November 8, 2005, at 22:19:54
Posted by allisonross on November 9, 2005, at 8:13:23
In reply to Re: Hi » muffled, posted by fairywings on November 8, 2005, at 7:45:38
>Hi, Fairy-Wings (my nickname is Fairy-Child, LOL) (((muffled)))
> it's so frustrating when you don't feel you've gotten anywhere in a session, and you feel like you never really touch any of the deeper stuff. i've felt that way a lot too. i'm really guarded, so i guess it'll either take awhile or i'll never get there. i'm afraid of what he'll think if he really knows me too.He will love, honor and respect you, if he is a good T., sweetie.
i don't think you're crazy, i love to read your posts, and you are always so kind and sweet.
Sounds like you both are!
>
> i have trouble expressing my feelings in words, and usually write it because i can't say it. if i say it, it either comes out a fraction of what i really want to say, or it sounds sarcastic, and that's not what i intend. it's so hard, i hope we get there one day. i'm reading carl rogers right now, it's interesting. i can't read deep philosophical stuff, it doesn't register for me, my mind drifts and in can't sink in.Stuff doesn't always sink in for me too.
i'm not smart enough.
it does not mean you are not "smart enough"! We can't all understand EVERYTHING. I'm sure there's lots of things Carl Rogers couldn't understand; not because he isn't smart, but because he is human, and doesn't have the capacity to understand EVERything!
>
> i'm doing fine, thanks for asking. hope today is good for you. i'll be thinking of you.i am kinda new, but I love the things you write.
hugs, Ally (the "other" fairy, LOL)
> fw
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