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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 30. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on October 31, 2005, at 18:39:41
Ex pdoc would say I am isolating. Dr. Clueless would say that my *difference* is causing me to be sensitive. My T says she feels me pushing her away again.
I am a failure. My T says that is old and that I have to stop going back to it, but it's the truth.
I fail to get a job that uses my brain. I try and try and get rejected. Why my marriage isn't a failure I don't know- I haven't let him have sex with me in months. He can cheat on me anytime, it's better than faking it all the time.
I am depressed. Sad. Rejected. Dejected. I will call Dr. Clueless if I still feel this way in a week, but what can she do? It's me who is the big fat ugly failure.
Failure to be happy is my fault.
Poet
Posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2005, at 19:24:08
In reply to Sliding Downward (trigger), posted by Poet on October 31, 2005, at 18:39:41
> Ex pdoc would say I am isolating. Dr. Clueless would say that my *difference* is causing me to be sensitive. My T says she feels me pushing her away again.
what do you think?
> I fail to get a job that uses my brain. I try and try and get rejected.getting a job can be hard... especially when you are trying for a change in career. how many did you apply for? i've heard its fairly usual for people to have to apply for a fair few... but knock backs can be really very hard :-( do you know why you were knocked back? it can be helpful sometimes to know a bit about why...
> Why my marriage isn't a failure I don't know-
maybe... he loves you?
> I haven't let him have sex with me in months. He can cheat on me anytime, it's better than faking it all the time.
(((poet))) i imagine thats the last thing on anyones mind when they are feeling low.
> Failure to be happy is my fault.
i really don't think...
that anyone chooses to be sad rather than happy.
i'm so sorry you are feeling like this.
:-(
would an anti depressant help out maybe?
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2005, at 19:30:46
In reply to Sliding Downward (trigger), posted by Poet on October 31, 2005, at 18:39:41
It sounds like depression talking. Maybe Dr. Clueless can actually be helpful to you.
Or...
This may be waaaaay out there, and ignore me if I'm wrong.
But could the recent preoccupation of Dr. Clueless and your therapist on your sensitivity differences be causing these feelings?
I ask because my brother had trouble in school. My father would yell at him and call him lazy. My mother would say it wasn't his fault because he had a learning disability. I talked to him once when we were both adults, and he says he much preferred being yelled at and called lazy. Because lazy he could fix, but a learning disability meant he had no reason to even try.
It just occurred to me that you might be feeling some of the same.
Posted by Annierose on October 31, 2005, at 20:38:12
In reply to Sliding Downward (trigger), posted by Poet on October 31, 2005, at 18:39:41
Poet -
I wish I knew what to say to you. I'm sorry that you are going through a tough time. My T would say that everyone deserves to feel happy; so keep fighting for happiness.
Why wait a week to call Dr. Clueless? She may want to switch your meds and have a clue for a change.
Don't beat yourself up on the sex with your husband either. When one is depressed, it's a vulnerable thing to do. I can certainly understand why it's difficult for you right now.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Annie
Posted by ClearSkies on November 1, 2005, at 5:12:17
In reply to Sliding Downward (trigger), posted by Poet on October 31, 2005, at 18:39:41
Poet, this sure sounds like depression talking. It can undo a lot of progress that we've made in therapy.
I've made so many adjustments and changes in my medications in order to feel functional. I would call Dr Clueless and let him know that whatever it is you're on isn't working.You're not a failure. Finding a job that allows you to shine is really hard! Having to make do for the time being is not your fault, Poet. Just think of all those college graduates tending bar part time (like my step daughter...)
ClearSkies
Posted by gardenergirl on November 1, 2005, at 6:33:43
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » Poet, posted by ClearSkies on November 1, 2005, at 5:12:17
Hi Poet,
I agree with the other folks who said this sounds like depression. I'm sorry you're feeling so low and that it's your fault. No one chooses to have depression. Just like you don't choose to get the flu. It just needs to be treated, and I hope Dr. Clueless can help with that.Hmmm, I need to come up with a name for my pdoc. Dr. Eyecandy, Dr. Clueless, Dr. Cattleprod....such great names.
Air hugs to you, and warm wishes.
Take care,
gg
Posted by Shortelise on November 1, 2005, at 13:06:17
In reply to Sliding Downward (trigger), posted by Poet on October 31, 2005, at 18:39:41
Poet, I have so much respect for you, have so often found that you write things here that hit the mark, are compassionate and, well, just right. To read what you've written about yourself makes me so sad for you. I've been there too, in that howling black hole of self-hatred.
I know nothing I write here can change anything for you, I just ask you to think about how you are treating your Self, and if there is anyone else anywhere you would treat as unkindly.
Please be kind to Poet. She does not deserve to be hated.
((Poet))
Posted by antigua on November 1, 2005, at 19:07:18
In reply to Sliding Downward (trigger), posted by Poet on October 31, 2005, at 18:39:41
I'm sorry, I know how this feels; I'm in the middle of it too. But I keep trying to remember that I've been here before and that it can get better. Look at the progress you've made (if you can't see it, let me know, I certainly can). We both know that we often slip back before we move forward. Could it be that?
Please give yourself more credit. You WILL find a job that fits your capabilities, I know it and feel it because I have faith in you.
love,
antigua
Posted by Poet on November 1, 2005, at 20:58:50
In reply to Sliding Downward (trigger), posted by Poet on October 31, 2005, at 18:39:41
Posted by fairywings on November 1, 2005, at 23:03:25
In reply to Sliding Downward (trigger), posted by Poet on October 31, 2005, at 18:39:41
Hi (((Poet)))
I hope you'll take a chance and call Dr Clueless. She might have just been off the mark before, and might surprise you. Maybe your T will have some insight as to why you're feeling so bad. As for husbands, sounds like you've got a good one, and he loves you, so he's willing to wait and be patient till you get things figured out. Mines been there too.
fw
Posted by Gee on November 1, 2005, at 23:37:47
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » Poet, posted by fairywings on November 1, 2005, at 23:03:25
Good luck with your T tommorrow. Sometimes T's do more damage than they know with what they say or imply but you just gotta keep believing what you believe about yourself.
Try to smile at least once everyday. It makes you and everyone around you feel a bit better
Posted by Shortelise on November 2, 2005, at 12:45:42
In reply to Will post to each of you after I see T Wed. (nm), posted by Poet on November 1, 2005, at 20:58:50
Posted by Poet on November 2, 2005, at 21:20:22
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » Poet, posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2005, at 19:24:08
Hi Alex,
I'm confused. I've never been certain that ADs really help me much. Ex pdoc just kept upping the dose. Dr. Clueless is more concerned with my sensitivity issues than the meds management I started seeing her for when ex poc went out of insurance coverage.
T thinks I should see my regular doctor, but I don't think she has enough understanding of mental health issues. I don't fit in a neat little category, which I suppose is one good thing about Dr. Clueless- she's the one who noticed it.
I don't know why I get knocked back for jobs. I've met with career counselors and practiced interviewing. A friend thinks that I come off as too intelligent. T thinks that my anxiety is noticeable.
My husband does love me- I don't understand why. I wasn't this crazy when he first met me, I suppose if I was he would have split long ago.
I guess I didn't choose to be sad, I know it's chemical and situational, but I can't help thinking that it's my fault. The bad chemicals are in my brain. The bad thoughts are in my brain.
Thanks for your help. I need it.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 2, 2005, at 21:34:10
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » Poet, posted by Dinah on October 31, 2005, at 19:30:46
Hi Dinah,
I know how your brother felt. I really feel that I am defective. Not special. Not different. Just a factory reject. Nothing can fix it- throw it out.
T thinks I should see Dr. Clueless or my regular MD (who doesn't know my psych history as the few times I've seen her I didn't mention certain things...)
I am confused. This could be situational. It could be chemical. If it's because of my sensitivity than nothing can help it. I am beginning to think I should see Dr. Clueless- she may not be great at meds management, but she at least realizes I don't fit in any nice neat crazy category.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 2, 2005, at 21:36:37
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » Poet, posted by Annierose on October 31, 2005, at 20:38:12
Hi Annie,
Thanks for the good thoughts. I should call Dr. Clueless. I'm just so confused.
Sex is difficult for me anytime, now it's impossible. Today in therapy T asked why I fake it, why not just tell my husband I don't enjoy it? Yeah, after 13 years of faking it I'm suddenly going to be truthful.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 2, 2005, at 21:46:40
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » Poet, posted by ClearSkies on November 1, 2005, at 5:12:17
Hi ClearSkies,
I'm just not sure if what I'm feeling is situational or chemical or what. I should see Dr. Clueless, but if I am as *different* as she says than upping my Effexor or switching meds won't do anything. I've never been certain meds do anything, other than Ambien, that does work.
My job failure has to be my fault. T says it's anxiety that the interviewer picks up on, but for so many of these jobs I feel confident that I can do it. The right one is not out there, I have to accept that I am stuck in low paying boredom. But I just can't...
I wish I could believe the right job is out there, but I can't. I can't take rejection any more, but on the other hand if I don't try than it's my fault for giving up. The rock and hard place I am stuck between are crushing me.
Thanks for understanding and seeing something positive. I wish I could.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 2, 2005, at 21:50:58
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger), posted by gardenergirl on November 1, 2005, at 6:33:43
Hi GG,
It is depression. I've been here before and know I should see Dr. Clueless. Maybe if I bring in a bottle of Effexor XR with her name on the label she'll remember why I see her. I do like her, it's just that I see her for meds management and only I seem to know that.
Thanks for the air hugs. I won't push them away.
What are you going to name your pdoc?
Poet
Posted by Dinah on November 2, 2005, at 21:54:01
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » Dinah, posted by Poet on November 2, 2005, at 21:34:10
Please don't feel defective about the sensitivity. I think sometimes professionals, like my mother, overplay a certain aspect. I guess they hope they've found the Holy Grail, the one answer to all of our problems. And I guess that's because they care and want to help us so badly.
But I always am skeptical that anything is that easy.
I do think certain people have biological differences that predispose them to problems. I was mentioning to Clear Skies that I thought she and I had a similar biological makeup, because a lot of what she says strikes home.
But that's not all she is, or all I am. Or all you are. Those things are helpful to know only because being aware helps you live life to your best advantage. It helps me to know that if I'm going to be under stress, I should take an Immodium beforehand and have Frova on hand. But it doesn't mean I can't do things. I just have to be prepared.
If they're telling you this is your destiny, then can you ask them to help you find ways to live with it? Not to chalk everything up to it and be done with it? I had a psychiatrist tell me I'd never feel love for my son because of my biological makeup. He was wrong. There's never any biological imperatives. Just things we need to work with. But *everyone* has those. They may not be the same, but people without any biological challenges are few and far between.
My brother wasn't doomed by his learning differences. He certainly was hampered in his efforts to achieve by my parents as much as his biology. :) But once he got away from them, and in a structured environment, he greatly exceeds their expectations.
Don't let them convince you that you are destined to be forever hampered by this sensitivity, if that's what they're doing.
I found you to be funny, intelligent, and interesting. Not defective in any way.
Posted by Poet on November 2, 2005, at 22:11:36
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » Poet, posted by Shortelise on November 1, 2005, at 13:06:17
Hi ShortE,
Today T and I talked about emotions. All I can describe are negative ones. She said that I try to convince her that everything is black and white, but she sees me in a gray space just bouncing back and forth.
Maybe Poet doesn't deserve the bad stuff I think about her, but real life me does. I know it's depression, I know I'm not thinking clearly, but I've never thought anything good about myself so know it's impossible to even try.
Thanks for the kind words. You're right I would never treat anyone else as badly as I treat myself. I wish I could feel positive emotions, but negative is all I know. A sad comfort, but a familiar one.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 2, 2005, at 22:15:20
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » Poet, posted by antigua on November 1, 2005, at 19:07:18
Hi Antigua,
Thanks for having faith in me. I've tried so hard and each time I fail. If I stop trying I'm a failure. If I try, I'm a failure. I know I've created my own rock and hard place.
I have been here before and I know that I am jsut temporarily stuck, but it's so hard to remember that. All I think are the negative things, more so than usual.
Thanks for reminding me that I have moved forward and can again. I hope I can again.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 2, 2005, at 22:36:44
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » Poet, posted by fairywings on November 1, 2005, at 23:03:25
Hi Fairy Wings,
I can't believe my husband can be this patient. I wasn't this crazy when we met, every year I just get worse.
I can't belive my T is this patient, either. She would like me to see Dr. Clueless, but understands that I am confused if increased/different meds will help.
We talked about how I feel only negative emotions. She told me that I need to realize how much courage I have that I keep on going.
Poet
Posted by alexandra_k on November 2, 2005, at 23:09:01
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » alexandra_k, posted by Poet on November 2, 2005, at 21:20:22
> Hi Alex,
Hey.
> I've never been certain that ADs really help me much. Ex pdoc just kept upping the dose. Dr. Clueless is more concerned with my sensitivity issues than the meds management I started seeing her for when ex poc went out of insurance coverage.Yeah. It can be hard sometimes to see whether they are helping or not... Sometimes it isn't about upping the dosage, it is about changing the type of AD. I don't know... But I would say it might be worth a shot. I mean... If it helps you feel a bit better then it would definately be worth it...
> T thinks I should see my regular doctor, but I don't think she has enough understanding of mental health issues. I don't fit in a neat little category, which I suppose is one good thing about Dr. Clueless- she's the one who noticed it.Yeah. Though I have to say... I've never met anybody who did fit in a neat little category ;-) Those neat little categories are just gross simplifications so our clinicians are better able to remember 'us'.
> I don't know why I get knocked back for jobs. I've met with career counselors and practiced interviewing. A friend thinks that I come off as too intelligent. T thinks that my anxiety is noticeable.
Hmm. I always thought... That it was good to appear a little anxious in interviews. Because... That is showing them that you are taking the interview seriously (which probably indicates that you really really want the job). And anxiety tends to be correlated with higher performance. But... I'm not sure. That might be a cultural difference (I'm serious here).
> My husband does love me- I don't understand why. I wasn't this crazy when he first met me, I suppose if I was he would have split long ago.I guess you are having trouble seeing the you that he sees...
> I guess I didn't choose to be sad,No, I don't think anybody chooses to be sad...
>I know it's chemical and situational,
Yeah. And they amount to fairly much the same thing because your situation affects you via chemical processes in your brain...
>but I can't help thinking that it's my fault.
Yeah. I struggle with that thought too...
> The bad chemicals are in my brain. The bad thoughts are in my brain.
Yeah... But you didn't choose your brain either. If you could have chosen your brain then wouldn't you choose one that would have you thinking happy thoughts? I think you would... You don't choose your brain...
You don't choose the thoughts that appear in your consciousness...
But you have some degree of control over your attention and whether you choose to ruminate on those thoughts or not...(Though your brain can make that damned hard at times)
But then... I really do believe all that (about myself) and yet... I still moan about being defective and about that being my fault... So... I do understand those bad feelings.
> Thanks for your help. I need it.I really hope things get better for you soon.
Must be really hard with your husband...
I faked it for a while and in the end... I got depressed. Maybe the faking it is contributing to that?Sounds like you should keep applying for those jobs... I know knock-backs are hard... But sometimes it just does take some time.
((poet))
Posted by antigua on November 3, 2005, at 7:41:04
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » Poet, posted by alexandra_k on November 2, 2005, at 23:09:01
I thought Thomas Jefferson said this, but then someone told me I was wrong. It doesn't really matter who said it, but I have this quote I keep in my office, and in my head at all times:
"Sucess is going from failure to failure with enthusiasm"
It's what we learn from what goes wrong that helps shore us up, helps make us a better person. You may view what is happening to you as failure, but it really isn't failure. That's how I view this quote. We're getting there, and as hard and as painful as it is, it takes time and patience.
best,
antigua
Posted by Poet on November 5, 2005, at 17:46:19
In reply to A quote for Poet, posted by antigua on November 3, 2005, at 7:41:04
Hi Antigua,
I guess I am a success at failure. My T's right I do contradict myself.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 5, 2005, at 17:53:35
In reply to Re: Sliding Downward (trigger) » Poet, posted by alexandra_k on November 2, 2005, at 23:09:01
Hi Alex,
My T thinks I should take a long break from job hunting and find other things to base my self esteem on.
I don't know. I can't make decisions right now. I don't want to destroy myself when I get rejected, but if I don't try I am a failure. I know, I am a failure in my own eyes only. Can't seem to stop that negative thought train.
Thanks for helping. Thanks for understanding.
Poet
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