![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tamar on July 11, 2005, at 18:39:19
I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I was failing six months ago and I’m going to fail again. It’s so bad that I can’t think of a way to save it. I was given some advice, I took it, it turned out to be bad advice and things started to fall apart. And if it goes wrong enough, I could lose my job.
I can’t begin to imagine finding the resources to get things back on track. And I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose my job. And I don’t know if I can face the humiliation of everyone thinking how useless I am.
And I yelled at my daughter this morning, and my husband seems to be avoiding sex, probably because I’m so unattractive at the moment.
And I miss my therapist so much. I’ve been missing him all day. I wish I had a picture of him; I can barely remember what he looks like.
I just want comfort. And if I can’t have comfort, I want it all to go away.
Sorry for the rant.
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on July 11, 2005, at 19:20:05
In reply to Worst I’ve felt in months, posted by Tamar on July 11, 2005, at 18:39:19
Oh, I wish I could say something that would lift your spirits the way you have lifted mine so many times since we met.
Have you broken the problem down into as small pieces as possible? Looking at the big picture never fails to depress me. But small pieces seem manageable.
My son's therapist told my husband (and my son) to narrow his focus. That he has a tendency to layer one what-if on top of another until he has convinced himself that something several steps ahead of where he is is inevitable. She said to start thinking in terms of a mistake being exactly that. One mistake. And not to build thoughts based on "always" or "never" on it, or think of worst case scenarios.
I'm trying really hard not to put too much emphasis on my work, or even my continued employment, in deciding who I am and what I'm worth. It's soooo hard for me, because I am not used to failure. It's hard for me to see a failure as an event, not as an indictment of me as a person. It's funny, because I judge others by many many criteria, not by one failure. But I can't seem to do that for myself.
I know these things work differently in different circumstances, but would it be possible to see your therapist again? Maybe you just need a tune-up, a reminder of how to apply the techniques and ways of thinking that he's taught you. Or maybe you need a bit more time to let those things sink in. Would your therapist be available? (Or one equally skilled but less attractive maybe? - grin)
The limitations of the internet... I'd like to see that you wrap yourself in comfort if that's what you need. I found holding a sleepy child to be one of life's most comforting experiences. Or warm scented baths with a nice, non-enriching, book. It's a bit warm to snuggle under a comforter, and a sheet just doesn't have the same comfort level, but can you create a pillow haven and burrow deep into them?
Tamar, you are a wonderful, intelligent, caring, and amazingly intuitive person. Your employers probably see that, and wouldn't let you go. But if they don't, it doesn't change that basic fact. No matter what happens at work, you are still the person I see and admire so much on the boards.
Posted by pinkeye on July 11, 2005, at 19:40:16
In reply to Worst I’ve felt in months, posted by Tamar on July 11, 2005, at 18:39:19
(((Tamar)))
Here are some warm hugs for you.
What is happening at work? Can you write more? Maybe I can help. Remember the one thing about work - whatever you are doing, the one thing you need to make sure is that you are adding value to the company or the school..That is the only thing you need to remember - how to add value to this place and people.. As long as you go by that, you should be in pretty good shape. IT doesn't matter if you fail badly sometimes.. people are usually pretty good at allowing down times for others.. people sometimes slack off due to personal reasons for even up to 6 months, and companies and other places are good in understanding that and accommodating it.. They don't really fire people unless there has been a consistent very poor performance over a year, and that too, if it didn't improve after feedbacks.
So if you think you have not done enough, maybe being upfront about it, and asking for some suggestion from manager/higher ups could help to change the situation. Try to ask your higher up, what he/she expects out of you.. Ask them for any feedbacks or clarification that you need. If you are in doubt, ask. Don't assume somethings are going to work - just be outright and ask if that is what is expected out of you..
These are some general tips.. But if you want, babble mail me, and if I can think of some way to approach it, I will write back - pinkeye_babble@yahoo.com
Don't worry now abour your husband and daughter.. They know you, and they are not going to take it out on you for being down for sometime. They know you are a lovely person. I am sure you can count on them to be supportive..
And your Ex T.. well, I am sure he will remember you in a warm way.. and you can go back to him in the future if this trend continues for some more time.. I know we miss them the most when things go bad, and maybe if you have some notes written from your old sessions, you can look at them.. or if you can remember some nice things he told you in the past, you can remember them.
I am here if you need to talk.
Hugs,
Pinkeye
Posted by crushedout on July 11, 2005, at 20:25:17
In reply to Worst I’ve felt in months, posted by Tamar on July 11, 2005, at 18:39:19
if it helps any, we adore you and think you are very smart and cool and kind.well, at least I do.
Posted by pinkeye on July 11, 2005, at 20:30:09
In reply to Worst I’ve felt in months, posted by Tamar on July 11, 2005, at 18:39:19
So you have a job already in hand !!! Or maybe something for which you born to do and this might be the blessing in disguise.. Or you can write a book for sexual abuse recovery and you might end up becoming a millionaire !!
Remember that all great executives have one thing in common - They were all Fired at sometime in their lives. !! Even Apple founder was kicked off from Apple once, and he came back again and became the CEO again !!
Posted by Jen Star on July 11, 2005, at 20:32:31
In reply to Worst I’ve felt in months, posted by Tamar on July 11, 2005, at 18:39:19
(((Tamar)))
I'm sorry things are rough right now! I know it probably sounds lamely simply, but I'll say it anyway: Things WILL get better! Things always improve. I'm sure you have what it takes to pull through and fix the situation. I don't believe anyone will think you're useless. I just don't believe that you could ever be that way!
I can tell you're smart & very intelligent from the way you write your posts. I'm sure you do a GREAT job (see, I'm a good extrapalator!) at work & home too.
I know nobody wants to fail at anything. But we all make mistakes -- even the best and smartest people make mistakes. If you've made one, it's OK; you can get past it and keep going. EVen if it's at a new job somewhere. I just can't believe that people "IRL" don't see how smart and witty and clever you are. I'm sure you are highly respected!
Take care. I hope things get better soon.
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on July 11, 2005, at 20:32:43
In reply to Plus, you would make an excellent therapist anyday » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on July 11, 2005, at 20:30:09
(REad this - it is a somewhat unformatted, but it is a good read).
Steve Jobs Stanford University Commencement Speech,
> June 2005
>
> I am honored to be with you today at your
> commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated
> from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I
> want to tell you three stories from my life. That's
> it. No big deal. Just
> three stories.
>
> The first story is about connecting the dots.
>
> I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6
> months, but then stayed
> around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so
> before I really quit. So why
> did I drop out?
>
> It started before I was born. My biological mother
> was a young, unwed
> college graduate student, and she decided to put me
> up for adoption. She
> felt very strongly that I should be adopted by
> college graduates, so
> everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth
> by a lawyer and his
> wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at
> the last minute that
> they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were
> on a waiting list, got a
> call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an
> unexpected baby boy; do
> you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological
> mother later found out
> that my mother had never graduated from college and
> that my father had never
> graduated from high school. She refused to sign the
> final adoption papers.
> She only relented a few months later when my parents
> promised that I would
> someday go to college.
>
> And 17 years later I did go to college. But I
> naively chose a college that
> was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my
> working-class parents'
> savings were being spent on my college tuition.
> After six months, I couldn't
> see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to
> do with my life and no
> idea how college was going to help me figure it out.
> And here I was spending
> all of the money my parents had saved their entire
> life. So I decided to
> drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It
> was pretty scary at the
> time, but looking back it was one of the best
> decisions I ever made. The
> minute I dropped out I could stop taking the
> required classes that didn't
> interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that
> looked interesting.
>
> It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room,
> so I slept on the floor
> in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the
> 5¢ deposits to buy food
> with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every
> Sunday night to get one
> good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved
> it. And much of what I
> stumbled into by following my curiosity and
> intuition turned out to be
> priceless later on. Let me give you one example:
>
> Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best
> calligraphy instruction
> in the country. Throughout the campus every poster,
> every label on every
> drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I
> had dropped out and
> didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to
> take a calligraphy
> class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif
> and san serif
> typefaces, about varying the amount of space between
> different letter
> combinations, about what makes great typography
> great. It was beautiful,
> historical, artistically subtle in a way that
> science can't capture, and I
> found it fascinating.
>
> None of this had even a hope of any practical
> application in my life. But
> ten years later, when we were designing the first
> Macintosh computer, it all
> came back to me. And we designed it all into the
> Mac. It was the first
> computer with beautiful typography. If I had never
> dropped in on that single
> course in college, the Mac would have never had
> multiple typefaces or
> proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just
> copied the Mac, its
> likely that no personal computer would have them. If
> I had never dropped
> out, I would have never dropped in on this
> calligraphy class, and personal
> computers might not have the wonderful typography
> that they do. Of course it
> was impossible to connect the dots looking forward
> when I was in college.
> But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten
> years later.
>
> Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward;
> you can only connect them
> looking backwards. So you have to trust that the
> dots will somehow connect
> in your future. You have to trust in something -
> your gut, destiny, life,
> karma, whatever. This approach has never let me
> down, and it has made all
> the difference in my life.
>
> My second story is about love and loss.
>
> I was lucky - I found what I loved to do early in
> life. Woz and I started
> Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked
> hard, and in 10 years
> Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage
> into a $2 billion
> company with over 4000 employees. We had just
> released our finest creation -
> the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just
> turned 30. And then I got
> fired. How can you get fired from a company you
> started? Well, as Apple grew
> we hired someone who I thought was very talented to
> run the company with me,
> and for the first year or so things went well. But
> then our visions of the
> future began to diverge and eventually we had a
> falling out. When we did,
> our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I
> was out. And very publicly
> out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life
> was gone, and it was
> devastating.
>
> I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I
> felt that I had let the
> previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I
> had dropped the baton as
> it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard
> and Bob Noyce and tried
> to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very
> public failure, and I
> even thought about running away from the valley. But
> something slowly began
> to dawn on me - I still loved what I did. The turn
> of events at Apple had
> not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I
> was still in love. And
> so I decided to start over.
>
> I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting
> fired from Apple was
> the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
> The heaviness of being
> successful was replaced by the lightness of being a
> beginner again, less
> sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of
> the most creative periods
> of my life.
>
> During the next five years, I started a company
> named NeXT, another company
> named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman
> who would become my
> wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first
> computer animated feature
> film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful
> animation studio in the
> world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought
> NeXT, I retuned to
> Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at
> the heart of Apple's
> current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a
> wonderful family together.
>
> I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if
> I hadn't been fired from
> Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess
> the patient needed it.
> Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick.
> Don't lose faith. I'm
> convinced that the only thing that kept me going was
> that I loved what I
> did. You've got to find what you love. And that is
> as true for your work as
> it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a
> large part of your life,
> and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what
> you believe is great
> work. And the only way to do great work is to love
> what you do. If you
> haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As
> with all matters of the
> heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any
> great relationship, it
> just gets better and better as the years roll on. So
> keep looking until you
> find it. Don't settle.
>
> My third story is about death.
>
> When I was 17, I read a quote that went something
> like: "If you live each
> day as if it was your last, someday you'll most
> certainly be right." It made
> an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33
> years, I have looked in
> the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today
> were the last day of my
> life, would I want to do what I am about to do
> today?" And whenever the
> answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I
> know I need to change
> something.
>
> Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most
> important tool I've ever
> encountered to help me make the big choices in life.
> Because almost
> everything - all external expectations, all pride,
> all fear of embarrassment
> or failure - these things just fall away in the face
> of death, leaving only
> what is truly important. Remembering that you are
> going to die is the best
> way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have
> something to lose. You are
> already naked. There is no reason not to follow your
> heart.
>
> About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had
> a scan at 7:30 in the
> morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my
> pancreas. I didn't even know
> what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was
> almost certainly a type of
> cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect
> to live no longer than
> three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home
> and get my affairs in
> order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It
> means to try to tell
> your kids everything you thought you'd have the next
> 10 years to tell them
> in just a few months. It means to make sure
> everything is buttoned up so
> that it will be as easy as possible for your family.
> It means to say your
> goodbyes.
>
> I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that
> evening I had a biopsy,
> where they stuck an endoscope down my throat,
> through my stomach and into my
> intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a
> few cells from the
> tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there,
> told me that when they
> viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors
> started crying because it
> turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic
> cancer that is curable with
> surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.
>
> This was the closest I've been to facing death, and
> I hope its the closest I
> get for a few more decades. Having lived through it,
> I can now say this to
> you with a bit more certainty than when death was a
> useful but purely
> intellectual concept:
>
> No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to
> heaven don't want to die
> to get there. And yet death is the destination we
> all share. No one has ever
> escaped it. And that is as it should be, because
> Death is very likely the
> single best invention of Life. It is Life's change
> agent. It clears out the
> old to make way for the new. Right now the new is
> you, but someday not too
> long from now, you will gradually become the old and
> be cleared away. Sorry
> to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
>
> Your time is limited, so don't waste it living
> someone else's life. Don't be
> trapped by dogma - which is living with the results
> of other people's
> thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions
> drown out your own inner
> voice. And most important, have the courage to
> follow your heart and
> intuition. They somehow already know what you truly
> want to become.
> Everything else is secondary.
>
> When I was young, there was an amazing publication
> called The Whole Earth
> Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my
> generation. It was created by a
> fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in
> Menlo Park, and he brought
> it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the
> late 1960's, before
> personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was
> all made with
> typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was
> sort of like Google in
> paperback form, 35 years before Google came along:
> it was idealistic, and
> overflowing with neat tools and great notions.
>
> Stewart and his team put out several issues of The
> Whole Earth Catalog, and
> then when it had run its course, they put out a
> final issue. It was the
> mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of
> their final issue was a
> photograph of an early morning country road, the
> kind you might find
> yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous.
> Beneath it were the
> words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their
> farewell message as they
> signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have
> always wished that for
> myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I
> wish that for you.
>
> Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
>
> Thank you all very much.
>
Posted by messadivoce on July 11, 2005, at 20:47:48
In reply to Worst I’ve felt in months, posted by Tamar on July 11, 2005, at 18:39:19
Don't be sorry for your rant.
Isn't it amazing how much compassion we can have for others, and not give any to ourselves?
Don't drive yourself crazy by thinking about all the terrible things that might happen. Whatever happens, I know you will look in your heart and find the strength you need at the right moment to carry on. Don't ask any more of yourself than one day at a time.
Tamar, you are a caring, insightful person, and I wish I could find words like those you've given to other babblers in distress. Just know that we are all thinking of you.
((((Tamar))))
Voce
Posted by Poet on July 11, 2005, at 21:34:10
In reply to Worst I’ve felt in months, posted by Tamar on July 11, 2005, at 18:39:19
((((((Tamar))))))
> And I don’t know if I can face the humiliation of everyone thinking how useless I am.
I understand how you feel, humiliation about feeling useless is something I know very well. I've done that walk of shame carrying the box somebody packed with all my personal stuff in it. People looked away from me and nobody said goodbye except my evil ex boss who escorted me to the door. I wasn't fired, I gave two weeks notice, but they wanted me out right away. That was last year.
It's hard not to take work problems home. My husband doesn't want to hear it anymore. I bore my T with it. It's okay to rant here. I understand what you are feeling and if anything can offer empathy.
Let us know what happens tomorrow. We care.
Poet
Posted by pinkeye on July 11, 2005, at 22:02:09
In reply to Re: Worst I’ve felt in months, posted by Poet on July 11, 2005, at 21:34:10
Poet & Tamar,
It is Not Humiliating to fail.. it is human.. All the greatest inventions came after several rounds of disastrous failures.. It is never bad to fail.. The only thing that we shouldn't let happen to us is to crumble and perish.. We always, need to pick us up and go on.. That is the only thing that saves us.. IF somebody fires us, what is the big deal?? They are not the only ones in the whole wide world.. There are millions of people/companies and oppurtunities.. And actually, you might be surprised, but I had a team member who had a masters from an IVY League and he was one of the toppers in his class.. I mean, what better thing could be there that that right? And my manager fired him. It doesn't mean he is not good.. It just meant that he was not fit for the job.. And now that guy is happily working some place else.. So it is really not that big a deal..
Posted by Poet on July 11, 2005, at 22:58:56
In reply to It is OK to fail.. but just pick up again !!!! » Poet, posted by pinkeye on July 11, 2005, at 22:02:09
Posted by Shortelise on July 11, 2005, at 23:19:46
In reply to Worst I’ve felt in months, posted by Tamar on July 11, 2005, at 18:39:19
(((tamar)))
DO your best to keep the worst from happening.
ShortE
Posted by daisym on July 11, 2005, at 23:47:38
In reply to Worst I’ve felt in months, posted by Tamar on July 11, 2005, at 18:39:19
I want to do both for you: offer comfort and make it all go away. I was driving up the freeway this morning, the sky was blue and there was this big hot air balloon sailing away over the hills. I opened the top to my car, pushed in a tape of Martina (Independence Day) and chased that balloon for 20 minutes. I was sad when I came to my turn off, because for those 20 minutes, I felt 22 again, with no cares, no responsibilities and the fearless freedom of driving fast and singing loud. I highly recommend it.
I define myself by my work. Who I am, who I am supposed to be and the expectations I have to live up to are all about work. My mother was incredibly successful, one of those glass ceiling breaker gals...so I totally empathize with your worry about humiliation and everyone thinking you are worthless. I've seen those looks before and it cuts right to your soul. Just take one thing at a time and try to minimize the damage.
I hope the fact that you know you are cared for and appreciated here makes some difference. And your family will forgive you for some bad mood angst. Maybe your husband is giving you some space instead of avoiding sex? It has always sounded like you guys were close enough to talk about this stuff, can you ask him?
And missing your therapist is totally understandable with all this going on. I wish you had a picture too. But if you close your eyes, I bet you can hear him, reminding you that you can make it through this.
Remember to breathe,
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on July 12, 2005, at 3:38:09
In reply to Worst I’ve felt in months, posted by Tamar on July 11, 2005, at 18:39:19
Incidentally, I'm always available for email or babblemail if you want to rant complete with non-babble-ready language. Or for any other reason, if it would help.
Posted by Tamar on July 12, 2005, at 16:16:41
In reply to Worst I’ve felt in months, posted by Tamar on July 11, 2005, at 18:39:19
Thank you so much, everyone, for responding. I'm feeling quite a bit better today.
For some reason yesterday I had premonitions of disaster at work, but I got through today without anything awful happening. I actually got a lot done. I wouldn't have done anything if it hadn't been for your support and comfort.
I can hardly find the language to tell you how much it meant to me to read your kind and compassionate words. It helped so much.
I'm sorry not to reply to everyone individually at the moment. I just feel so tired I need to get to bed as soon as possible. But thank you so much for your caring and concern.
(((((((Hugs to everyone)))))))
Tamar
Posted by shrinking violet on July 15, 2005, at 11:31:01
In reply to Thank you all soooo much, posted by Tamar on July 12, 2005, at 16:16:41
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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