![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 24 to 48 of 48. Go back in thread:
Posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 17:06:10
In reply to I want to play mommy! It is my turn now! nanna na (nm), posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 13:41:14
Posted by Tamar on June 24, 2005, at 17:07:52
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!** » B2chica, posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 16:55:18
> Blame your "friend", since she knew and led you into it. BTW, she was no friend.
Maybe... but also: blame the rapist. He's the one who is fully responsible for the attack. I think it's understandable to blame your friend for her betrayal of you, but at the same time as blaming her you might be implicitly blaming yourself for not having the judgment to realise she would betray you (if that makes sense). The person who has to take full responsiblity for the attack is the man who attacked you.
As long as we don't hold rapists fully responsible for rape we allow them to destroy our sense of personal intergrity.
Sorry for the rant.
Tamar
Posted by sleepygirl on June 24, 2005, at 17:32:13
In reply to Need help, but too triggered to write. :(, posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 10:25:46
I'm sorry lgl. There's got to be a way through though. Hang in there love. There's comfort to be found....
Posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 21:21:23
In reply to Re: Where'sJazzy?silence means she is up to something! » happyflower, posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 16:26:30
What, wait, did you say you got the whole weekend to yourself? How did you pull that one off, doesn't your husband expect you to go with him? You are so lucky, I am so jeolous, I would love a weekend to myself. :) But of course what would I do? lol oh ya, fantasies! lol
Posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 21:25:54
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!** » B2chica, posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 16:55:18
My stepdaugher was r@aped a couple of years ago when she was around 20 years old. She just froze up too couldn't scream for help or anything. What is interesting is that she was a psycology major and they used EMDR to treat her afterwards, only a couple of hours. After about 2 session of that and therapy, she was still shaken, but was so much better. She graduated, got married and now she is now a happy mom to be at the end of Aug., or should I say I am going to be a grandma! lol
Posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 21:26:56
In reply to Re Someone's feeling very parental today! LOL (nm) » happyflower, posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 17:06:10
Posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 23:27:58
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :(, posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 13:20:41
> What's also really really bothering me, is I sort of just started dating someone, and I am so SO conflicted. He seems nice (for a guy), but I am so nervous and fearful. I've always wanted to be married and all that, but I am so afraid. (I've also been living on my own for about 10-12 years, and I guess becoming "set in my ways" doesn't help matters either.) The conflict is that as much as I want a relationship with a man, I want a mom more than anything! The "little" part of me (which is actually quite large) says that boys are yucky and I just want a mommy and nothing else; or at least you are supposed to have the mom FIRST. i can't say anymore about this now; hurting too much. :(
>
> lglHasn't anyone else experienced this? How about you that are married; how'd you do it? I just feel stuck. :(
Oh and I called my T tonight. That helped, just not as much as being with her would; but I am glad I am allowed to call.I'm worried about something else too. This is something I finally opened up about (a little anyway), and now I see her next week, but she will be away the following week. I really want to try to pick up next week where we left off this week, but I don't like to get into anything too heavy before she leaves. I don't want to put it off either because I finally made a step. I don't know what to do. I was thinking of asking her if I can see her twice next week: Once to go further with what I brought up, and once to have the "light - before you go away" session. (or maybe just have an extended session on our usual night.) Part of me wonders though if this is something I really want, (I mean, it's hard enough to talk/get through one session, why would I set myself up for two), or am I just so desperate to see her again that I feel that this is what I want *at this moment*. I'm scared.
lgl
Posted by rainbowbrite on June 25, 2005, at 10:37:22
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :( » rainbowbrite, posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 17:02:50
>Why wouldn't you belong rain?
i could provide you with a list but....I wont hehe Just because I dont go to therapy, therapy kinda gives me the willies, I am negative towards therapy, I dont know.... just stuff like that...I could do a good comic strip on therapy lol Lets just say I dont do therapy well :-P
>You do belong! I love reading your posts! Please don't feel that way! I guess most of us do from time to time tho'.
Well thsnks JaZZy!
I just dont feel like Im 'supportive', Im not all that worried about it...its just not my personality to be warm and fuzzy..you know.... I guess thats how I see alot of people here...very warm and caring. I care deeply for people but I dont come accross that way at times. sometimes I get uncomfortable with comfort etc (its not a problem jsut afeeling with certain situations)....like if I was in therapy and my T hugged me lol Id hit him/her upside the head :-D am I making sense lol and if he/she said anything too 'nice' or their voice tone changed if I got sad...Id have to leave :-) I think Im just an alien :-D BUt BUT bUT I admit therapy could probably do wonders if I could get myself to break>How's Ed? Hunky as ever?
Hes great! And yes, Hunky as ever...Im going to go to his mums for a while with him to make wedding arrangements and plans for our honeymoon. :-D
oops i went off on a tangent
Posted by Jazzed on June 25, 2005, at 12:46:08
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :( » Jazzed, posted by rainbowbrite on June 25, 2005, at 10:37:22
> i could provide you with a list but....I wont hehe Just because I dont go to therapy, therapy kinda gives me the willies, I am negative towards therapy, I dont know.... just stuff like that...I could do a good comic strip on therapy lol Lets just say I dont do therapy well :-PI started on this board b4 I started therapy, didn't even think of it as a requirement, hmmmm.... It's not for everyone, that's for sure.
>> Well thsnks JaZZy!
> I just dont feel like Im 'supportive', Im not all that worried about it...its just not my personality to be warm and fuzzy..Well, just because you're not warm and fuzzy doens't mean you can't post when you need to. I guess you know that though. I don't want too much of that in a shrink, I don't want to be coddled, I want to be challenged.......I think.
Anyway.......
>
> Hes great! And yes, Hunky as ever...Im going to go to his mums for a while with him to make wedding arrangements and plans for our honeymoon. :-D
>Good good, Phillpa making you stay in diff. rooms till you're married?!
Jazzy
> oops i went off on a tangent
Posted by Jazzed on June 25, 2005, at 12:50:46
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :(, posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 23:27:58
> Hasn't anyone else experienced this? How about you that are married; how'd you do it? I just feel stuck. :(
No, I haven't experienced it that way, BUT I want more of a father figure. My husband is somewhat paternal with me when I need it. Maybe that's why I want a male T? Maybe that's why you're with a female T? I don't know.
> Oh and I called my T tonight. That helped, just not as much as being with her would; but I am glad I am allowed to call.
Good that she is there for you. Hope you do that 2nd session this week, and get through the vacation w/o much turmoil. What does your T say about the needing a mom more than a man?
Jazzy
>
>
Posted by rainbowbrite on June 25, 2005, at 13:19:05
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :(, posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 23:27:58
LGL
i think its not that you want a 'mom' instead of a man, i think you just dont feel like you got what you needed and are feeling more deprived of a mothers love and are looking to fill a void.
i think if you can separate the two relationships and try to find out what you want from each it may help?? I dont know maybe you already know this. But, the stress you are feeling with this new relationship seem to be understandable to me.
RElationships are stressful even for people who dont have other issues....so Ive heard.
Posted by rainbowbrite on June 25, 2005, at 13:34:06
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :(, posted by Jazzed on June 25, 2005, at 12:46:08
Hey Jazzy
It doesnt matter anymore but I think I came accross wrong...maybe Im paranoid. But Ive been to therapy twice before, not 2 times but 2 trials and maybe Im bitter....I just had a hard time taking them seriously...my issue I guess... I am a person who sometimes laughs when she cries. I was just making fun of myself...not therapy. I hope thats how it came accross. I guess I dont like feeling like someone is feeling sorry for me and thats how *they* came accross. It was just the experiences were not a right fit.
EEK did I just get serious?? I did :-)>>Good good, Phillpa making you stay in diff. rooms till you're married?!
probably not, lol she wants grandchilren :-) Im packin gmy bags right now!! You will be at the wedding wont you?
Posted by LittleGirlLost on June 25, 2005, at 14:29:17
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :( » LittleGirlLost, posted by Jazzed on June 25, 2005, at 12:50:46
> Good that she is there for you. Hope you do that 2nd session this week, and get through the vacation w/o much turmoil. What does your T say about the needing a mom more than a man?
Thanks Jazzed,
In reference to your last question... I didn't exactly tell her that. I wanted to, but chickened out. When I was feeling "little" I remember saying something about not wanting a boy because they are yucky (lol), but I couldn't say what I REALLY want. I don't remember much of what I said, but I do remember saying something about feeling such strong conflict between wanting the guy and not wanting all the "adult stuff".
Hey, maybe someone working with parts would have a little insight for me.
lgl
Posted by LittleGirlLost on June 25, 2005, at 14:37:08
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :( » LittleGirlLost, posted by rainbowbrite on June 25, 2005, at 13:19:05
> i think its not that you want a 'mom' instead of a man, i think you just dont feel like you got what you needed and are feeling more deprived of a mothers love and are looking to fill a void.
> i think if you can separate the two relationships and try to find out what you want from each it may help?? I dont know maybe you already know this. But, the stress you are feeling with this new relationship seem to be understandable to me.
> RElationships are stressful even for people who dont have other issues....so Ive heard.
>Thanks Rainbow, I like the way you worded that. I feel like I opened a can of worms, but as painful and confusing it is for me, I'm glad I did. (I think!) I guess it's been a long time coming for me. Even my T said something the other night like, "have you been wanting to tell me this all along?" It sounded funny to me although I'm not sure why. Just takes me so darn long to open up, but I probably still wouldn't have if it weren't for this new relationship.
lgl
Posted by littleone on June 26, 2005, at 21:16:54
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :(, posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 23:27:58
Hi lgl,
I think I understand a bit of where you are coming from, but in a bit of a reverse.
I tend to look everywhere for a daddy. And for a long time now, I've wished my T was my dad. And that sort of wishing kind of consumes me a lot and I don't have a lot of myself left over for my husband.
So I guess you could say that we've got a bit of a sexual drought going on. And even when I might be able to make some effort in that department, I get really antsy and nervous giggly and push him away. It's not something I think about, it just happens. I think that comes from a young part. The only way I can do sexual things these days is to really compartmentalise myself and lock off younger feelings.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I don't think there's enough ?something? in me to be able to wish for my T dad and to give my husband the attention he deserves (both in bed and in day to day living) at the same time.
I think sometimes I can give my husband more attention when I cut off T thoughts, but I don't like doing that. I feel the need to cling to him, not cut him off.
Is that something like what you experience?
Posted by B2chica on June 27, 2005, at 9:57:45
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!** » B2chica, posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 16:55:18
thank you so much for sharing that with me jazzzed. i Really thought i was the only one. i just disappeared. my T said i dissociated cuz i remember him pushing me down on the floor and then remember pressure of him and then nothing, my next memory is i'm in my close leaving that house.and my girlfriend laughing and said 'that's just what you needed'. (she brought the guy specifically to have s@x with me) even though i told her no way, she left me down there with him, i even yelled out her name hoping she'd come back downstairs. the thing that makes is tough is both the guy and my girlfriend are dead, so i can't even talk to her or confront him. part of me is glad the other part angry.
> >>my next best friend led me into a situation where i was r@ped and she was oblivious (i'm still struggling with that term cuz i didn't fight at all, i freaking froze and was led into the situation a second time and was SA again...i still blame myself but there were times that i blamed her).
> >
>
> I guess when your fight or flight kicked in, yours was to "flight". I was reading about this last night because of when I was raped. I fought, and then didn't, just froze. From what I read, this is a really normal response, but causes a lot of shame. Please don't blame yourself, you wouldn't have walked into it knowingly. Blame your "friend", since she knew and led you into it. BTW, she was no friend.
>
> ((((hugs))))
> Jazzy
Posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 10:07:16
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!** » Jazzed, posted by B2chica on June 27, 2005, at 9:57:45
> (((((((B2)))))))) This was a horrible thing to have happen. That was no friend, that was so cruel. I don't know what to say, I am stumped, I just feel really bad that someone would do this to you. It brings tears to my eyes.
Posted by B2chica on June 27, 2005, at 12:12:57
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write » B2chica, posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 10:07:16
i struggled for years with it, when i was older i tried to lose contact with her. i purposefully pushed her away because of that 'incident' and only saw her periodically. two years ago february she committed suicide. now i live with the regret that i DID push her away. i wish to God that i had sought therapy earlier, maybe i could have contacted her and made amends. she was my Best friend in highschool till she dropped out. she was diagnosed with bipolar when she was 19.
i can't help but think i deserved what happened...karma.
i may have mentioned this before but i have to say again...when i was 11 (i think i can say this now) i had being SA by two people only slightly older than me for a few years, finally their attention turned to a neighbor girl...during one incident i ran out...i left her alone with them...i'm sure they molested or raped her (i'm pretty sure because of what they were doing to me)...i blame myself, but feel karma cuz i was lead into a situation when i was barely 16 and it happened to me, this makes a struggle to place blame on anyone but myself.
i just wish i could deal with all this better.
thank you for caring HF, and i too think we could beat the odds and be friends. you're really great.
thank you for the support.
b2c.> > (((((((B2)))))))) This was a horrible thing to have happen. That was no friend, that was so cruel. I don't know what to say, I am stumped, I just feel really bad that someone would do this to you. It brings tears to my eyes.
Posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 13:18:47
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write » happyflower, posted by B2chica on June 27, 2005, at 12:12:57
B2Chica, I would love to be your friend, you are so sweet. You story is starting to come together for me now. How old are you if I might ask? If you told me before, I am sorry I forgot. It hasn't your fault that your friend ended her life. In a way it wasn't hers either. Are these the main reason for therapy? Or is there more insidences since you are older? (not that this wasn't enough for lifetime therapy). I feel we too can beat the odds, only "we " can deceide to move on and try to live a full life. We have to deceide not to let our past become our prison sentence for life. I am glad we found each other here. :) I am sorry I feel so emotional today. I guess my T wouldn't want me to be sorry, because he wants me to learn to FEEL. So I will just say I am feeling emotional today, and it feels good to be alive. Is this better, DR. B?
lol
Posted by AuntieMel on June 28, 2005, at 10:23:01
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :( » Jazzed, posted by rainbowbrite on June 25, 2005, at 13:34:06
It sounds like you have some of the same trust issues Poet and I do.
I couldn't handle an overly sympathetic therapist either - it would just feel fake to me. Luckily the guy I go to isn't anything like that. In fact, I'm one of the (if not *the) first long term clients he's had.
It took about a year before I could talk about anything more personal than the weather, but even now we just chat about issues and things I need to work on and the emotions don't flow.
One time I spent 6 weeks telling him all the rotton things my father did, one after the other, no embelishment, just facts - no repeats. For me saying it unemotionally was cathartic. Tears and sympathy would have gotten in the way.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on June 28, 2005, at 12:39:30
In reply to Needing a mum/dad » LittleGirlLost, posted by littleone on June 26, 2005, at 21:16:54
> I think sometimes I can give my husband more attention when I cut off T thoughts, but I don't like doing that. I feel the need to cling to him, not cut him off.
>
> Is that something like what you experience?Littleone,
Yes, I think you seem to understand. (Thank you!) I too, would be looking for a "dad" if there wasn't this strong maternal need making everything else seem so insignificant. I had a male pdoc once, years ago, and the fantasies were unbelievable! Both as a dad and a husband! But on some level (a very young level) I really feel like all guys are yucky so I don't need a dad, but can't understand why I can't have a mom. (Bear with me, I feel weird writing this since it doesn't make much sense!) Don't get me wrong, I wish I had a "good" father figure also, but for some reason, the mother seems more important to "me". Actually, it wasn't until a few months ago when I was watching a friend interract with her dad, that I realized that I did deserve to have that with my dad too. So much of my focus is on the mom, that I forget I was actually entitled to both.
lgl
Posted by rainbowbrite on June 29, 2005, at 0:58:53
In reply to Re: therapy and cuddliness - off topic » rainbowbrite, posted by AuntieMel on June 28, 2005, at 10:23:01
> It sounds like you have some of the same trust issues Poet and I do.
OK even though i take psych im slow, so what type of trust issues do I sound like I have? (Im being serious) I cant figure out why Im so ickied out by therapists...I think its cause they all seem so ..... sweet. you know? im sure I have major trust issues but how can you tell that from what i said :-)?> I couldn't handle an overly sympathetic therapist either - it would just feel fake to me. Luckily the guy I go to isn't anything like that. In fact, I'm one of the (if not *the) first long term clients he's had.
TOtally fake! Thats awsome you found him
> It took about a year before I could talk about anything more personal than the weather, but even now we just chat about issues and things I need to work on and the emotions don't flow.
sounds like me :-).... um office decor and the traffic getting there...superfictial all the way!
> One time I spent 6 weeks telling him all the rotton things my father did, one after the other, no embelishment, just facts - no repeats. For me saying it unemotionally was cathartic. Tears and sympathy would have gotten in the way.
Thats how I am. I tried to open up once and got such a weird reaction, and then came the oh, thats awful mushy mushy mushy mushy ......and I got lost somewhere in the mush. That prevented any other openings for me. Maybe I really do need to put effort into finding one when/if I look again. Rather than the phone book calling.
Posted by B2chica on June 29, 2005, at 10:02:37
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write » B2chica, posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 13:18:47
hey HF. there are a couple other reasons for therapy but these are definately some reasons.
i am a big 32 with nothing to show.
i kept crying yesterday, it was a little tough but it's my own fault cuz i've been forgetting my wellbutrin (dang memory).
i'm feeling better today. hope you are too.
b2c.
Posted by AuntieMel on July 1, 2005, at 13:47:28
In reply to Re: therapy and cuddliness - off topic » AuntieMel, posted by rainbowbrite on June 29, 2005, at 0:58:53
Why does it look to me like you've got trust issues?
Mind you, I don't mean about everything, I was just talking about therapy.
It sounds like you're a bit like me in that you not only have to trust that what you say will not be used against you, but that you (and I - maybe I'm projecting??) need to also trust the reaction.
Like - if someone close to you is sympathetic it would be believable. But too much sympathy from someone that only knows you because of what you tell him ..... well - if you can't trust that the sympathy is genuine how can you trust anything else that comes out. (that was the 'royal' you, not you in particular)
Does that make sense, or should I dig myself in deeper?
Of course, sympathy from (and to) babblers you have a relationship with can be real. Realer than therapy in my case.
Posted by rainbowbrite on July 5, 2005, at 16:54:03
In reply to Re: therapy and cuddliness - off topic » rainbowbrite, posted by AuntieMel on July 1, 2005, at 13:47:28
> Mind you, I don't mean about everything, I was just talking about therapy.Oh yeah I know.
> It sounds like you're a bit like me in that you not only have to trust that what you say will not be used against you, but that you (and I - maybe I'm projecting??) need to also trust the reaction.
Oh ok..
> Like - if someone close to you is sympathetic it would be believable. But too much sympathy from someone that only knows you because of what you tell him ..... well - if you can't trust that the sympathy is genuine how can you trust anything else that comes out. (that was the 'royal' you, not you in particular)
YES, exactly.
> Does that make sense, or should I dig myself in deeper?
You never dug yourself. I was really curious...i find I am learning alot recently about myself that I maybe dont want to know but probably should know.
> Of course, sympathy from (and to) babblers you have a relationship with can be real. Realer than therapy in my case.It makes a huge difference what the relationship is.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.