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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 20:00:46
Anybody ever thinks what must our husbands would think when we go to therapy with a guy T? My husband was terribly uncomfortable with my continuing therapy with him.. And I can perfectly understand his position.. He knew I was getting attracted to my ex T and I think it put him in a horrible position.. But I somehow thought that it is for the ultimate good of our marriage that I am doign this anyway - that I needed to learn to bond correctly with a guy anyway, and I needed to learn it and grow up myself to be a good wife to my husband. But I cannot help feeling terribly guilty and afraid of my husband's reaction if he ever discovers.. But I really need to learn now, otherwise, I am afraid I am going to cheat on my husband one day in a big way - with an affair or something.. and I really needed to be able to bond emotionally with my husband.. and the only way to learn it seemed to be going through this with my ex T..
How do people feel about it?
And how do T's wives really feel about their participating so intensely in other women's lives? They must feel horrible right?? I would - if my husband was a T. No amount of justifiying would really put my mind at ease.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 28, 2005, at 22:46:45
In reply to Interesting question about our hubbys and Ts wives, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 20:00:46
I have wondered before about whether it makes a very big difference whether one has a male or a female t. I notice a HUGE difference with respect to the type of transference. Actually... There are other factors there too, such as the therapists age etc. But I did wonder for a while whether it would actually be helpful to have a t of each gender so as to work through the different sorts of transference (I was trying to justify seeing 2 t's at the same time...)
I'm not sure that things are supposed to work like that, though. I'm not sure that you do need to see a male t in order to learn how to bond emotionally with men. A female t could help you do that.
I don't know...
I have to say... I think I prefer seeing a male t.
But... I can surely understand why peoples partners wouldn't want them seeing a t where sexual feelings for the t were likely to come up. I think... If I was in a relationship I may well try and be sensitive to that by seeing a t of the same gender as me. But then that is still no guarantee that those feelings won't come up, so I don't know.I have wondered how I would feel about having a partner who is a t before. How I would feel about other people having those feelings for them. I guess... I would trust them. If they broke that even once by taking advantage of their client then that would be that. Relationship over.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on June 29, 2005, at 7:29:10
In reply to Interesting question about our hubbys and Ts wives, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 20:00:46
My husband has no problem that I have a male T. He is just thankful that I am getting help and have gotten so much better over the past 2 years. He also knows my feelings for my T and that I honestly love my T. I am lucky in that he has no problems with this. He really is the non-jealous type!
Posted by spalding on June 29, 2005, at 11:04:52
In reply to Interesting question about our hubbys and Ts wives, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 20:00:46
Kind of rambling here...
I used to be on a kick where I had only female doctors, but I uniformly found them condescending to me, so now I'm going only with men. :)
When I found my pdoc (I wasn't referred and found him on my own), I went with a male, and when he gave me possible T.'s to start seeing, I went with the one male on the list. (And boy, is he tough and I think he's great.)
I am attracted to my pdoc but that's as far as it goes. I'm very sure my T. is gay, so there's no attraction there, but there's a lot of warmth, respect and common ground. Pdoc and T. work together on a handful of patients so I feel incredibly cared for.
My husband doesn't have a problem with me having two men on my team. As Miss Honeychurch said, I think he's happy I'm getting help after years and years of undiagnosed BPD.
Though I do have had a problem of often isolating myself and not talking to my husband. I live in my head a lot and don't easily let him in. I am working on this. Though once when he and I were having a conversation and he gently expressed his frustration with me, he said, "I see you having these great relationships with your doctors..." Probably the first time he's acknowledged that.
As far as pdocs' and T.s' significant others...I would assume confidentiality would prevent pdocs and T.'s from discussing their patients (and subsequent issues of attraction/love/fantasies) with anyone, including spouses and sig. others.
Posted by caraher on June 29, 2005, at 12:19:00
In reply to Re: Interesting question about our hubbys and Ts wives, posted by Miss Honeychurch on June 29, 2005, at 7:29:10
> My husband has no problem that I have a male T. He is just thankful that I am getting help and have gotten so much better over the past 2 years. He also knows my feelings for my T and that I honestly love my T. I am lucky in that he has no problems with this. He really is the non-jealous type!
I'm on the wrong side of the gender divide to make any remarks about how my "hubby" would feel ;) but my wife, who is *very much* the jealous type, has no problems at all with my seeing a female T. Now I don't really talk to her about sessions much and I also am not "in love with" my T (I appreciate that she cares, I like her, and I think she's attractive, but there's no crush going on) so the fact that there's nothing for her to *be* jealous of can't hurt. (Though that hasn't stopped her from making off-target cutting remarks about female friends and acquaintances in the past.)
But just like Miss Honeychurch's husband, she's mostly glad to see me get help that seems to be useful.
Posted by Tamar on July 3, 2005, at 12:50:12
In reply to Interesting question about our hubbys and Ts wives, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 20:00:46
> Anybody ever thinks what must our husbands would think when we go to therapy with a guy T? My husband was terribly uncomfortable with my continuing therapy with him.. And I can perfectly understand his position.. He knew I was getting attracted to my ex T and I think it put him in a horrible position.. But I somehow thought that it is for the ultimate good of our marriage that I am doign this anyway - that I needed to learn to bond correctly with a guy anyway, and I needed to learn it and grow up myself to be a good wife to my husband. But I cannot help feeling terribly guilty and afraid of my husband's reaction if he ever discovers.. But I really need to learn now, otherwise, I am afraid I am going to cheat on my husband one day in a big way - with an affair or something.. and I really needed to be able to bond emotionally with my husband.. and the only way to learn it seemed to be going through this with my ex T..
>
> How do people feel about it?
>
> And how do T's wives really feel about their participating so intensely in other women's lives? They must feel horrible right?? I would - if my husband was a T. No amount of justifiying would really put my mind at ease.I don’t think my husband was jealous exactly, but I know he was a little uncomfortable that I loved my therapist so much. However, I did explain why the transference thing was important to me, and that I didn’t love my therapist more than him.
I don’t know how therapists’ wives feel – it might depend how much they know about how therapy works.
But one thought that occurred to me was this: I wonder how a therapist might feel if his wife went into therapy with a male therapist. I imagine he might feel a little worried that she’d fall in love with this other therapist and criticise her husband for not being as understanding at home. And therapists know how therapy can make people think carefully about their close relationships; that could be worrying. I reckon if I were a male therapist and my wife wanted or needed to go into therapy I’d try to convince her to see a female therapist!
Posted by pinkeye on July 4, 2005, at 14:17:58
In reply to Re: Interesting question about our hubbys and Ts wives, posted by Tamar on July 3, 2005, at 12:50:12
I am sure therapists won't like their wives to go to male therapists..:-)
For that matter, after my first T, even I would never go to a male T again - it is just too much stress, guilt, pain and suffering for what it is worth (for me!). And a closeness which cannot last - I am not built that way to handle it repeatedly. First time I went in unknowingly - I didn't even choose him, my father's friend did. And I got in deep before I realized, and after that point, the only way out was to try to work through it.
Just as we (atleast I), wouldn't be comfortable with my husband being a therapist.
It is actually living with an actor - and immensely hard to put up with so many fans - so to speak.. If I were a more mentally strong person and had good self esteem, maybe I would be ok with my husband being a T - but even then, I don't think I would be comfortable knowing that he gets into all this intimate details with every women every day.. I would think "then what have I got to offer him??"
This is the end of the thread.
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