![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 6 to 30 of 39. Go back in thread:
Posted by sleepygirl on May 19, 2005, at 23:10:40
In reply to Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long), posted by 10derHeart on May 19, 2005, at 17:50:19
hey,I'm appreciating your post, and oh so shaking my head to that fear I know so well. Addressing whatever slights I perceive from my therapist is so terrifying to me, I can't stand risking that what I feel might be true. But, I'm glad you got a response, and good for you for addressing it. May you breathe a little easier soon. Hope it helps you work some stuff through(that's me searching for the silver lining). take good care of yourself.
Posted by LadyBug on May 19, 2005, at 23:49:43
In reply to Re: Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long), posted by sleepygirl on May 19, 2005, at 23:10:40
Your post reminds me of myself about 3 years ago. I was suffering from a deep depression. I thought about suicide all the time. I knew I needed to find a job, though my self esteem was in the toilet. Our finances were a disaster. I didn't have what it took to pound the pavement to land a job. Things were hard for me and my therapist. She had me calling her every night, just to check in and make sure I was ok. I became too much for her and she got angry with me and changed all my boundaries/rules in a matter of the last remaining 20 min. of our hour together.
I left my appointment crying vowing never to return. She hurt me deeper than I'd ever been hurt. But I had to face the hard stuff about myself and try to put myself back together. It was hard as hell, but I did it. I went back to my T. and we managed to recover from our "Black Day". That was a ton of work. It took us a few years.
I looked everyday for a job. ANY job. I finally got a great job that I loved. It was the best thing that could have happened to me at the time. My self esteem grew like crazy. The people I worked with appreciated me and told me how good I was!!! That was over 2 years ago and I feel blessed to have found the job that was right for me. I haven't made a ton of money, but it's helped me grow in ways I wouldn't have grown otherwise.
I wish you strength in what you need to get what you want. If I can pull myself up from the black hole I was in, I think anyone can.
Keep working at it and you will find the answers.LadyBug
Posted by messadivoce on May 20, 2005, at 0:11:12
In reply to Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long), posted by 10derHeart on May 19, 2005, at 17:50:19
Yikes, 10der, I can't imagine needing that safe place and having it be a void instead!! That is so amazing that he had no clue that you were feeling that way, and in his e-mail was not able to pinpoint why the safety net went away. I'm so glad he is not going to let this sit over the weekend. It will probably make him feel better too, if you're feeling bad. Sounds like he's a caring person. I'm glad for that. Let us know how tomorrow goes.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 20, 2005, at 9:06:55
In reply to Re: Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long), posted by Shortelise on May 19, 2005, at 19:24:17
ShortE,
This was great. I don't think you over-explained it at all. At least not for my brain - it was just right.
And it makes tons of sense. For some reason, though, when I imagine saying certain things about emotions - his, not mine - to my T.. I cringe inside and am not sure I can say them. I agree with all you wrote and I suspect my T. is VERY capable of admitting if and when he messes up.
No, I don't suspect, I actually know. Although it was sort of a small thing. A few months back, he used a DSM diagnosis for my insurance without talking to me first. Because my history is that I was in therapy with a pdoc he knew slightly, and to him I clearly had MDD symptoms, he assumed I'd always had that diagnosis. Oops. Wrong. Just so happens my ex-T (the pdoc) just never went there - for a psychiatrist he just isn't a dx kind of guy. More interested in the here and now and the person - the DSM was an annoyance to him sometimes. Cool guy :-) So, the only DSM codes I'd ever seen in my records were for ADD (my presenting problem 3 yrs. ago) and maybe an adjustment disorder for a brief time.
So, to get this copy of the insurance authorization for therapy for the next 6 months, and see "Major Depressrive Disorder, Recurrent Episodes, Moderate," really freaked me out. Now, I got over it quickly. I completely agree that I fit the criteria to a "T" (bad pun, sorry). But the thing was - TALK to me first. Don't assume. Don't forget. Don't EVER think something I see in writing that came from you won't have a strong effect on me.
Well, he was great. He was so flustered and flipped back in his notes, muttering to himself he thought I'd, 1) already had this dx, and 2) that we'd briefly talked about it. Nope. I told him no, that my memory was clear. And he checked, and he looked SO upset with himself and IMMEDIATELY said it was his fault, that was a big mistake, that he understood totally how reading it on some impersonal letter would make me feel like cr*p. I wanted to comfort him, he apologized so profusely and sincerely for his faulty memory and assumption. It turned into a very good moment.
Sorry...got carried away story-telling. Point is, he's got it in him. BUT, today, if he really didn't sense anything, and I sensed everything....I already doubt myself. It'll be hard for me to hold the self-confidence I need long enough to describe his body language, lack of feedback, etc. I feel somehow it's wrong of me to watch his body language,or "accuse" him of not giving me enough emotional involvement the other day. My head has it, but my heart is afraid.
But I'll give it my best shot. I surely have his attention now, so maybe he'll help a lot. Hope so. Your post helps. I printed it to read over before I go in. I'll let you know what happens.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 20, 2005, at 9:22:57
In reply to Re: Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long) » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on May 19, 2005, at 19:12:43
Hi Dinah,
You must have a sixth sense, or I'm just so fortunate you were checking this board so soon after I posted. I really wanted your take on this before I went back this morning.
> My guess is that he really wasn't there as much as usual. That's good in a way, because it means he's all the way there an awful lot. No one can be one hundred percent always there.
What a great point. I may say this to him. I think it would be a nice thing to point out. We've been disconnected before - recently - but it wasn't like this. It was more me. So in six months, this seems like the 1st time. Pretty good track record ;-)
> I get frantic when I can't feel that connection, even now. But I'm a lot more aware while it's happening.
Yeah. Awareness I'm usually pretty darn good at. But I was so distressed about trying to explain my fears of finding a new job, I was less "myself" than usual. My mistake was not pausing to let the "subtext" running through my head the other day come out. It wasn't really up at the surface till I was leaving...and you know how that can feel. Time's up, gotta go, great - can't say the most important thing.
>I leave feeling anxious and distressed. Much like an infant must feel when Mom is distracted and not totally there.
This resonates so much with me I can't stand it.
Perhaps that child is me is stirring and trying to teach me some things more than I want to admit right now.> Can you ask him if he would mind if you ask next time? That if you sense that he's not fully engaged, is it ok to ask if he's really all there today?
Sure. I likely can say that. I'm generally fairly bold about these things. I almost don't have to ask. He would wholeheartedly endorse me doing that, I know. I just didn't this time. Perhaps being caught off guard or something.
> Because I think the biggest part of emotional holding is both persons being fully engaged in the moment, and both persons contributing their fair share of emotions.
This may be the most important thing you wrote to me. You put it so well. Your post is getting printed off, along with ShortE's. Like I told her, I seem to have some fear of talking about his emotions. Don't know if I sound like I'm attacking his skills, or demanding something he should only have to give as he sees fit, or what. But if I'm determined, I'll tell him I'm hesitating and why, and it will come out anyway.
Wish me determination and focus. And not to deflect with jokes. He won't go for that, I'm sure, but I may try it to relieve the tension and stall that way. I'm so predictable.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 20, 2005, at 9:26:35
In reply to Re: Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long), posted by sleepygirl on May 19, 2005, at 23:10:40
sleepygirl,
Thanks for your reply. It's always good to hear how someone "gets" what the fear is about. It's frustrating, because usually, I am fairly far along the road here - when it comes to NOT fearing these conversations with a T. So when, for me, I slip backwards, that part is as upsetting and confusing as the actual issue.
I'm sure your silver lining will be exactly what I'll find. I'll let you all know.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 20, 2005, at 11:20:35
In reply to Re: Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long) » sleepygirl, posted by 10derHeart on May 20, 2005, at 9:26:35
Your post reminded me so much of the bad session I had several weeks ago. It's such an awful feeling. I know I was an absolute mess. I never felt like I was absolutely floundering, even drowning at times as I did then. I still bring it up in sessions, to highlight something about the relationship or something.
I'm so glad you called your T. I wanted to call mine, but I didn't, so I had to wait a whole week. And his response was great. I hope the session today goes well and it helps you feel connected again.
Good for you for confronting it directly.
(((10der)))
gg
Posted by Jazzed on May 20, 2005, at 12:28:22
In reply to Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long), posted by 10derHeart on May 19, 2005, at 17:50:19
> Hi everyone,
>
> Until yesterday. My session was so weird. After I left, it bothered me more and more. We talked about a certain subject, at my request, leaving other things behind for now, because I'm so stressed about it I can't focus on anything else. Has to do with me needing to find a part time job, and why I seem to be so scared of some of the steps needed to do so. To my surprise, it's triggering all sorts of feelings of worthlessness, incompetance (sp.?), self-loathing - all sorts of nasty stuff. I knew I was sensitive around this, but not to THIS degree. Meaning I cried a good portion of the time. There is nothing unusual about that, and I am okay with all sorts of reasons for crying in session with him. Normally, although it's hard to pin down what he says or does, he helps with the feeling so bad and the tears somehow, just by validating things, and contradicting those that are just way out there (negative). And also by *being* in the room in a certain way. Who can articulate this? Not I, but I trust most know what I mean. Well, yesterday he was so not there :-(
>
> So what happened? Somehow, even though I think I recall saying plenty of bad stuff about myself, he just wasn't "there" to soften it or argue with it. Just kept taking notes and saying nothing. It was like we were complete strangers in the room. I make only occasional eye contact, but this time was worse than ever. I remember worrying I'd look up and find a bad look on his face - bored, angry at my stupid ramblngs, or staring off into space - something. And when I did peek, I noticed his foot tapping like crazy. Now he does this some, but never this much. Every time I peeked, his foot was going 100mph. Maybe this is my stuff, but I used to do that too, before ADD meds and a calmer mindset, etc. Quite often for me, it did mean I was bored, impatient, needing out of the situation. So that's how I felt he felt.
>
> More than that, there were a few too many, "Mmm-hmms," and "uh-huhs" for my taste. That can get really dismissive and patronizing to my ears. Is this crazy? Am I projcting all over the place?
>
>
I think it's great that you jumped right in there and wrote and sent that email to your T. I think it helps them to be more effective with us when we question where they are, and they they are there with us. I would guess that they can be distracted or get bored with us, esp. when things aren't fresh and new, but it's good that your T got right back to you with such a kind and caring response. I hope I find one as nice.
BTW, I've read a lot of ppl email their T's is it commone for them to give us there email addy? Just curious.I hope now that you've raised the issue with him he can be more in the present with you. Did you tell him about the foot tapping? That would drive me batty, but it's something I do all the time.
Jazzed
Posted by Jazzed on May 20, 2005, at 12:31:05
In reply to Re: Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long), posted by LadyBug on May 19, 2005, at 23:49:43
> Your post reminds me of myself about 3 years ago. I was suffering from a deep depression. I thought about suicide all the time. I knew I needed to find a job, though my self esteem was in the toilet. Our finances were a disaster. I didn't have what it took to pound the pavement to land a job. Things were hard for me and my therapist. She had me calling her every night, just to check in and make sure I was ok. I became too much for her and she got angry with me and changed all my boundaries/rules in a matter of the last remaining 20 min. of our hour together.
> I left my appointment crying vowing never to return. She hurt me deeper than I'd ever been hurt. But I had to face the hard stuff about myself and try to put myself back together. It was hard as hell, but I did it. I went back to my T. and we managed to recover from our "Black Day". That was a ton of work. It took us a few years.
> I looked everyday for a job. ANY job. I finally got a great job that I loved. It was the best thing that could have happened to me at the time. My self esteem grew like crazy. The people I worked with appreciated me and told me how good I was!!! That was over 2 years ago and I feel blessed to have found the job that was right for me. I haven't made a ton of money, but it's helped me grow in ways I wouldn't have grown otherwise.
> I wish you strength in what you need to get what you want. If I can pull myself up from the black hole I was in, I think anyone can.
> Keep working at it and you will find the answers.
>
> LadyBugtHIS is so wonderful, "Im glad it worked out so well for you. I probably would've quit T after a day like that, I'm so thin skinned.
Jazz
Posted by Jazzed on May 20, 2005, at 12:37:31
In reply to Re: Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long) » Shortelise, posted by 10derHeart on May 20, 2005, at 9:06:55
>
> No, I don't suspect, I actually know. Although it was sort of a small thing. A few months back, he used a DSM diagnosis for my insurance without talking to me first. Because my history is that I was in therapy with a pdoc he knew slightly, and to him I clearly had MDD symptoms, he assumed I'd always had that diagnosis. Oops. Wrong. Just so happens my ex-T (the pdoc) just never went there - for a psychiatrist he just isn't a dx kind of guy. More interested in the here and now and the person - the DSM was an annoyance to him sometimes. Cool guy :-) So, the only DSM codes I'd ever seen in my records were for ADD (my presenting problem 3 yrs. ago) and maybe an adjustment disorder for a brief time.
>
> So, to get this copy of the insurance authorization for therapy for the next 6 months, and see "Major Depressrive Disorder, Recurrent Episodes, Moderate," really freaked me out. Now, I got over it quickly. I completely agree that I fit the criteria to a "T" (bad pun, sorry). But the thing was - TALK to me first. Don't assume. Don't forget. Don't EVER think something I see in writing that came from you won't have a strong effect on me.
>
>
ARGH! I can see how you could get a real shock out of that dx when you're not expecting that. I made up a list of questions to ask perspective Ts for when I decide to go back, and one of them is "will you give me the same diagnosis as the p-doc, and if not will you discuss the dx with me before you assign it" I'm really sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff.BTW, your T sounds like a winner!
Jazzed
Is there somewhere where ppl recommend particular T's in the various cities? I think I'll go with a T in my p-doc's office, but could go somewhere else.
Posted by Shortelise on May 20, 2005, at 13:14:40
In reply to Re: Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long) » Shortelise, posted by 10derHeart on May 20, 2005, at 9:06:55
10derheart,
one last thing: you say you feel you shouldn't examine your T's reactions so closely.
My T has been a mirror for me. I watch him carefully, looking for reations. He's a gauge for me. I need that. He is my ulimate reality check. That is what he is for, among other things. We are supposed to watch so carefully - it's part of therapy. It's that relationship thing. You see, if I can learn to say to him, hey, you said blah and I feel blah about it, then I can learn to ask the pharmacist who is always nasty with me to please not speak to me like that, and do it in a kind way. And I have.
To see a dx like that would have thrown me into a horrible state, as I know it did you. I'd like to diagnose the twits who write that dastardly thing!
I'm so happy my post helped. That makes me feel great.
Hope it goes well.
ShortE
Posted by pinkeye on May 20, 2005, at 15:01:24
In reply to Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long), posted by 10derHeart on May 19, 2005, at 17:50:19
Nowadays I am coming to realize more and more, that even though external circumstances are responsible 50 %, the way I react to it is what is important for me.
For instance, I have had several communication gaps with both my ex T and my current T. But the way I reacted to my ex T was 100 times more intense than the way I react to my current T. I have had bad sessions (email sessionS) with my ex T and I have had bad sessions (face to face) with my current T. But I would react so much more vigorously to something slightly wrong that my ex T had said, and I might let go off a huge mistake on my current T. Just because I am so intense with my exT and not at all intense with my current T.
The point is, even though the other party is responsibly for what they do, the way we react to it - that part - we can control.
So if you react too badly to something which you know in your heart you shouldn't be, a good thing to do would be to explore that and see where your reaction is coming from, rather than focussing on if your T missed out something. Every T misses out something many times.
Posted by pegasus on May 20, 2005, at 16:39:57
In reply to Re: Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long) » pegasus, posted by 10derHeart on May 19, 2005, at 19:24:41
Thanks for asking about my baby! And I'm glad my post was calming.
My little girl is great. Sleeping a lot today, so I'm getting some email done. Unfortunately, she seems to like to sleep to this baby einstein CD that is pretty inane, and tends to drive her parents crazy. But anything to get the baby to sleep!
good luck again!
pegasus
Posted by Dinah on May 20, 2005, at 21:48:21
In reply to Re: Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long) » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on May 20, 2005, at 9:22:57
Posted by 10derHeart on May 20, 2005, at 23:42:31
In reply to How'd it go? (nm) » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on May 20, 2005, at 21:48:21
Thanks for asking. I suspected you might ;-)
We talked really openly. I mean - I always do, but with my eyes staring down and just about my stuff. Not much directly about his behavior until now. It took on a different tone. I was clear about almost all the stuff I wrote in my long post. And more stuff I thought of at the time.
He said all the right things. He was more engaged today. He said he truly can't think of a thing that was bothering him from outside life, in his head - nothing at all the other day. I'm glad he kept steadily saying that, instead of seeming to hem and haw and agree with my perceptions just to "over-validate" them, which I told him I would pick up as a form of dishonesty, and probably come close to a mini-tantrum. He seemed to get that.
I'm glad he stuck to his position (though he kept stressing how it was WAY more important to find out he did things that made the room feel unsafe than whether or not we both could tell he was doing it) because that gave me the opening to let myself just dissolve in tears. Which I pretty much did.
I said that if he didn't see it AT ALL, then I didn't trust my perceptions, or interpretations of a d*mn thing going on in the room. Because how could we see it in such utterly opposite ways? That I was a big idiot. That one didn't get by. I was deemed NOT to be an idiot.
That led to a good talk, I know. But darned if I can tell you about it, because therapy-amnesia has nicely erased it. I so hate that. But the remaining vague memory is that he said nice stuff and I felt better.
I don't know. It was still a little odd. It's okay not to be totally fine in one session. I made a LOT of eye contact today, and felt like I was making sense and had a good "flow" in explaining to him all the stuff that happened to make me feel so alone last time. That felt different and good.
But there's still an emotional distance that feels sad to me. We even talked about that, and it stayed the same. I suppose I was imagining it would go away, and we'd feel closer the minute I talked about it. Uhhh - no.
It was jumbled a lot. My ex-T came up many times - that is unusual. At one point I answered a question (forgot what it was) by saying something about that I couldn't tell him certain things with the "wrong" words, because then he "wouldn't like me." The second I said it I wanted to take it back. I heard myself say it in a small, soft voice. And - big surprise - he started to say something like, "That sounded like an answer not from the adult sitting here with me, but..." I cut him off and told him he didn't have permission to go there.
He backed off right away. He's said before he feels it borders on abuse of his role/power to ever push a topic or a path. We only go if I start first, or, if I tell him explicitly to push me. He is VERY nondirective, obviously. I liked that moment. It felt very safe and powerful for me to decide NOT to talk about any child-part of me today.
Maybe the best thing was right before we stopped and changed to, "here's your check" mode, he scoots to the edge of his chair and asks, "Are you okay?" Sounds so dumb and simple. But he usually doesn't say that. It seemed to bring full circle the fact I wasn't last time, or when I came in today. I told him I was 90% okay, but would have to process the session the rest of the day to get a better sense.
I feel a whole lot more settled, so I guess that's pretty important.
There's more, but I should get a PBC for post length. It's uncivil to subject you to a missive this long. And poorly written at that. It feels awfully good to write about it, though.
Maybe in coming days I can post little bits of the "rest." Provided I get a clue how to be succinct like you are.
Posted by Shortelise on May 20, 2005, at 23:59:41
In reply to It Seems Mostly Alright Now » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on May 20, 2005, at 23:42:31
Thanks for posting 10derheart. Been thinking about you today.
ShortE
Posted by 10derHeart on May 21, 2005, at 0:42:24
In reply to Re: It Seems Mostly Alright Now » 10derHeart, posted by Shortelise on May 20, 2005, at 23:59:41
That's so sweet :-) Thanks.
(((ShortE)))
Posted by Annierose on May 21, 2005, at 6:34:31
In reply to Re: It Seems Mostly Alright Now » Shortelise, posted by 10derHeart on May 21, 2005, at 0:42:24
Your T sounds very thoughtful and sweet. I think those connected feelings will come back. It may take another session or two. I am so glad he was able to see you yesterday, rather than let this brew over the weekend.
Don't apologize over the length of your post. Sometimes it takes lots of words to get it all out, and that is okay. We wanted to know how it went.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 21, 2005, at 8:34:33
In reply to Re: It Seems Mostly Alright Now, posted by Annierose on May 21, 2005, at 6:34:31
>>Your T sounds very thoughtful and sweet.
Well, coming from you I'd have to say...takes one to know one? :-) Thanks for caring - and reading all that.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 21, 2005, at 12:34:00
In reply to Re: It Seems Mostly Alright Now » Annierose, posted by 10derHeart on May 21, 2005, at 8:34:33
I don't think your post was too long. (But then I get a bit wordy, myself.) :)
But you had an entire session to report on, and that's a lot of stuff.
I remember the "wanting everything to be allright in that next session back" feeling. In fact, a lot of that session, after we talked about the prior session stuff, was about exactly that...how I still didn't feel safe or connected, and how bad THAT still felt. It was hard to leave that day knowing it wasn't "all fixed". I'm glad your T recognized that you might still be upset when he asked if you were okay at the end. I would imagine that felt great when he asked. And I'm glad he respects your boundaries. It sounds like you two have a good working relationship. Sometimes the work, though, is about the relationship, and that always seems more intense.
It will get better if you keep talking. It's getting better for me, but it is also fundamentally changed, knowing that he can make mistakes. It's hard when idealized folks come down off the pedestal. Makes things much more vulnerable.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
((((10)))))
gg
Posted by Dinah on May 21, 2005, at 12:39:04
In reply to It Seems Mostly Alright Now » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on May 20, 2005, at 23:42:31
Feeling more settled is very important. :) I'm glad you didn't wait.
It sounds as if you both did what you should have done. It may not be all repaired in one session, but you'll get there. There are times when I feel disconnected and it takes a while to get reconnected, especially when he goes out of town. Or makes a major error.
Other times it seems so much like ruptures and rapprochements past that it goes much quicker. :)
I'm glad you feel better.
And I'm not always succinct at all. lol.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 23, 2005, at 12:53:45
In reply to Re: It Seems Mostly Alright Now » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on May 21, 2005, at 12:39:04
...at the very, very end. After the lovely question about me being okay or not. And frankly, spoiled it a little. Not entirely, but some.
Funny, I already find myself blaming myself for "setting him up" to say this. Which I see is pretty twisted, but I'm still doing it.
Okay....I was fumbling around trying to give an honest and coherent answer to, "are you okay?" In doing that, I blurted out something about knowing I felt much better continuing to come in to see him, better than quitting, or running away (from therapy). So he says (and in a business-like and matter-of-fact tone, which was VERY jarring), "oh, well, when you decide to do that, just let me know." I snapped, "What is that supposed to mean?" He said, "Nothing bad. Just that if you want to stop, tell me, so we can discuss termination." I stuffed my emotions at that second, very hard, and just answered with some surface crap. Luckily, he was turning toward his desk, so he didn't see me visibly compose myself and even wipe away the instant tears.. :-(
[Warning: sarcasm ahead....]
My reaction at the time, and still now, is a fun mix of anger, hurt and confusion..... For example.....
Well, thanks a LOT, buddy! Isn't that nice!? So, even after today, when I thought we were fighting on the same side to connect better, and bandage up my apparent hurt, it's just not really that important, is it? If I just said I felt like stopping after 6 months, we'd just have some textbook talk about termination? THAT'S your first thought when I say something like that?!! Great. So you don't really care. It's all crap. I'm just another warm body, filling up 10:00 Wednesdays, easily replaced by someone else... I knew it. No wonder I can't feel cared about - I forgot it's just a big business transaction anyway.
Sighs and more sighs. I could go on and be more graphic about the feelings of rejection and being of little value that one statement brought up. But it hurts my stomach, my heart, and makes me cry. So I won't. Yes, I know, the answer is is bring this up right away next time. But darn it, that will occupy the whole session, I can tell. Who knows where that will go? I feel like there are so many other things to talk about, we'll never get there with all the time taken on hashing out my need to feel wanted and special and important. Crud.
But then, maybe the rest of everything will never work right if I suppress this. I guess I know the answer. Hah. I'm one who said I couldn't conceive of ever having a similar attachment to another T., after my first one. Who I still miss and am still quite deeply attached to - in a different way. Perhaps I was mistaken.
Gosh, this hurts a lot. Thanks for "listening" - it helps to release it.
Posted by Dinah on May 23, 2005, at 13:01:11
In reply to There Was One Thing Said I Didn't Like At All..., posted by 10derHeart on May 23, 2005, at 12:53:45
Geez. I don't blame you. They are so *dense* sometimes. All we can do is try to enlighten them.
My therapist says that when he gets up and moves to the desk, he takes off his therapy hat and doesn't always think things through as much as he should. He says he needs to be clearer that topics are closed till next session. I'm not really reminding him, because I like that last minute reassurance.
Hopefully this is just a case of that.
Posted by Daisym on May 23, 2005, at 14:36:02
In reply to There Was One Thing Said I Didn't Like At All..., posted by 10derHeart on May 23, 2005, at 12:53:45
(((Tender))),
The set up around all of this just sucks. Plain and simple. I read your post twice with tears in my eyes because I know it is the conversation I need to have today. It is so important to not feel like client #44 yet don't we know that really, that is what we are?
My guess is that it is your therapist's practice to discuss the need or wish to stop therapy so that both of you clearly understand where it is coming from. BUT, he probably will say that ultimately it is your decision. They use the word termination easily, clinically, like it isn't as shocking as a swear word to us. If we "quit" -- we are mad. If we "stop" we might be out of money, or time. If we "are done" we have less need and are working things out. But if they "terminate" than it feels like being kicked out. At least to me. But I'm really frightened of that phase of therapy, so this is totally my projection. He probably recognized what you said as your response to being hurt and didn't think it had merit anymore since you'd talked things over. But still...
There have been times when I will rant about something and my therapist will say, "do you REALLY want me to help you with X" -- and I'm stunned because I think he should say, "that would really be unwise on your part, to do X." But he rarely does that. I think I'm testing him, checking to see if he cares enough to keep me from hurting my therapy.
I think you do have to talk about this. I also think it is one of the most painful parts of this whole process, wanting to be special, knowing how limited that can be, if at all. *sigh*. It is good that you've attached to him though.
I wish I knew what else to say but I have no wise words around this. Maybe I'll have more after this afternoon. I hope it helps that I understand totally.
Posted by Tamar on May 23, 2005, at 15:11:11
In reply to There Was One Thing Said I Didn't Like At All..., posted by 10derHeart on May 23, 2005, at 12:53:45
Ouch!
I mean, OUCH!
I know they can get all business-like when people talk about quitting, as if they’re refusing to be blackmailed, but you weren’t trying to manipulate him. You were trying to be honest.
I refuse to believe they really feel as matter-of-fact as they act when someone says something about wanting to quit. But it does seem to be a standard response, with a few variations.
I think you know you need to talk about it with him. And it’ll help you, ultimately, to be able to talk about the other stuff you need to talk about. But it certainly sucks.
(((((10der)))))
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.