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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 9:36:35
In reply to Re: trying to stay out of the hospital, posted by happyflower on May 7, 2005, at 18:45:21
Why is this so D@mn HARD!
i started taking the zyprexa again on friday, i think it's helping my thoughts a bit. i'm not as concrete on S. as i was on saturday. i even woke up a little refreshed this morning...but 2 hours later, i'm falling again.
why is this so dang hard. why does it have to hurt so much. i feel sick of these memories, i feel like a very 'sick' person for what i've done. was it me? was it them? these memories are so far to the top but they just won't come out and it's making me worse...so much worse.
it's such a constant emotional pain. logically i know it will end...right? but i just can't grab on to anything right now. it feels like everything is slipping through my fingers like jelly. Everything and everyone that used to help can't now.i see T tonight.
all i know is the next time he suggests the hospital...i think i'd better go. even though i can't afford it. i barely made it through this weekened.
even though i really want to give in, i think my instinct is to fight.thanks for the hugs...i really need them now.
b2c
Posted by gardenergirl on May 9, 2005, at 10:21:22
In reply to Re: trying to stay out of the hospital, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 9:36:35
Posted by happyflower on May 9, 2005, at 10:39:43
In reply to Re: trying to stay out of the hospital, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 9:36:35
Posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 10:53:48
In reply to (((((B2chica))))) (nm) » B2chica, posted by gardenergirl on May 9, 2005, at 10:21:22
ok, ok....here it goes the short version-with a lump in my throat i need to say it fast, close my eyes, click the stupid submit button and run to the bathroom before i get sick.
i can't say all of it, but i guess a bit at a time.it's always been easier for me to say it first here before i say it in session.
believe in karma anyone?
my so-called sad story? i was led(i want to say forced-but only to a degree) into a situation by my best girlfriend that endedup in R@p# (two different times-same guy) my struggle has been great with this. a few years ago she killed herself...i left it unresolved and has eaten me alive.
i finally got this out to my T a few weeks ago.the karma comes with what i swear is killing me inside out. the karma comes because i realized(remembered) recently that i myself, did a similar thing to a girl when i was young. me and a neighbor girl were put into a 'compromising' situation and i was able to run out-get a way and i just left her there. i just freaking left her there with these two older kids. how could i have done that to her?
i'm sure she was molested if not r@ped. the guy that i think did it was a neighbor kid that used to babysit me. (not much older than myself). but i remember feeling glad that he started to pay alot of 'attention' to her after that...
i was glad because... that meant he would leave me alone. LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Me, that's all i cared about! i knew, i'm sure i knew what was happening.
She later showed all the signs, she became sexually permiscuous, low self-esteem got pregnant when she was 16, dropped out of school, got married.
i did this. i did it, i sealed a fate for her. because of my own selfish needs. i was cold-detached and glad D@MN IT!
it makes me sick to my stomach to think of how i felt.
Posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 10:59:49
In reply to getting it out...here****TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 10:53:48
in fact i expect it. i can't even stand to show my cyber face here. all that's happened to you all, here i am a perpitrator myself.
you can't say anything that i haven't said to myself. if taking my own life could give her her's back i would do it without even thinking.please know that.i wanted him away from me. i wanted it to stop, it had been happening long enough. he wasn't an adult, he was practically MY AGE, WHY COULDN"T I STOP IT!!!!!!!
i was SO selfish. it was already happening to me so why bring it on to someone else!!!! how could i DO THAT!! all that he had me do, i'm sure he had her do as well.
Posted by Tamar on May 9, 2005, at 12:30:43
In reply to you can all hate me now.**another trigger**, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 10:59:49
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
What happened to the other little girl was not your fault. The person responsible is the boy who did it. You didn’t do it to her. You didn’t seal her fate. You protected yourself the best way you knew how. It’s natural that you felt glad that you weren’t molested and raped in that situation. But it’s not your fault that someone else might have been molested. And actually, you don’t even know for sure that the other girl was molested, even though you suspect it.
If sounds as if you’ve been beating yourself up about this for a long time. But you were a child yourself when it happened. You took responsibility for your safety, and that’s OK. I hope you don’t think you should have been molested instead of her.
And you definitely didn’t deserve to be raped later. No one ever deserves to be raped, no matter what they’ve done. Rape is never karma; it’s always a crime.
(((((B2C)))))
Did you say you’re seeing your T tonight? I hope you’re able to get it out. I’ll be thinking of you.
Tamar
Posted by Tamar on May 9, 2005, at 12:36:52
In reply to we don't hate you » B2chica, posted by Tamar on May 9, 2005, at 12:30:43
Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 13:35:29
In reply to you can all hate me now.**another trigger**, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 10:59:49
You are a very very good person. Take Care. We love you - we never even think of hating you. And I am sure nobody ever did hate you. It is hard to believe it sometime, as I have been realizing myself lately, but that is the truth.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 9, 2005, at 13:41:41
In reply to we don't hate you » B2chica, posted by Tamar on May 9, 2005, at 12:30:43
I couldn't say it any better than Tamar.
It's not your fault. I'm glad you are able to get this out, and I hope that your T can help you with this.
((((B2chica))))gg
Posted by happyflower on May 9, 2005, at 13:56:56
In reply to Re: we don't hate you, posted by gardenergirl on May 9, 2005, at 13:41:41
I agree with Tamar and gardengirl, it is not your fault, it was the abusers fault. You were young and you protected yourself and I am glad you did. I am going through some of those same emotions as you right now. When I was a teenager, I did everything I could to stay away from my mother. But the bad thing is that while I was in band rehearsals, and school activities, my brother got the brunt of my mothers abuse. Much worse than I ever received. So I am working through that guilt that I should of protected him more. I was a child and I couldn't stop my mother but it wasn't my fault, she was the monster. I am glad you told us, B2 and I hope you will soon feel some peace with it. You did the best a child could do. Please know I understand your gulity feelings, but please remember it wasn't you that was doing the abuse. I would have probably done the same thing, got scared and run away. Please stop beating yourself over this. We don't hate you at all.
Posted by Shortelise on May 9, 2005, at 14:07:21
In reply to getting it out...here****TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 10:53:48
Something we forget when we are older and look back on things that happened when we were kids, is that we **didn't know then what we know now**. Hades, the next day after it happened when you were thinking "why didn't I" you weren't as scared, you were calm enough to think. If you look back now and know exactly what you "should" have done, you are looking at it with years more experience. And you look back now, and you're sure you "knew what was happenin" to your friend. Were you that saavy as a kid?
You reacted, and you ran. That's instinct. Instinct. The instinct that keeps us alive.
Karma? You don't deserve bad karma for this, mi chica, in my opnion.
Chica, I forgive you this, if that matters. I forgive that frightened young girl who didn't have the experience, the knowledge, the understanding, or the resources to deal with what was happening. I forgive her because no one looked at her, saw her fear and said, Hey, what's wrong? I forgive her. I forgive her because she didn't feel she had a safe person to go to. I forgive you for detaching yourself from your feeling in self-preservation. What else could you do?
Chica, I think you deserve to talk about this, and you deserve to understand what happened and understand the parts you played and what it meant. I don't think you deserve to be hated. I really really don't think you do.
Hugs,
ShortE
Posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 17:34:54
In reply to Chica is ok with me » B2chica, posted by Shortelise on May 9, 2005, at 14:07:21
i can't even see the stupid keys to type a response. i can't stop crying now.
my T said pretty much what you all said here but i can't help this intense feeling of hate toward myself.
I'm concerned and i think my T is of my state of mind.
he asked if i feel i need to go to the hospital.
i'm so unsure. i feel a lot of hate right now, but i don't know that i'd act...??
however, the next set of stuff i need to say i just can't see myself living after i say it. so i know i should be in there when i get it out.
do i go, don';t i??
why can't i do this without staying out of the freaking hospital.i feel sooo much weaker than you here.what you wrote below...i can't tell you how it's affected me. how you can forgive me, but i can't. i just can't think anyother way. i really wish by giving up my life i could give her her's back.
thank you sweek shortE
-and all you others for the support
>> Chica, I forgive you this, if that matters. I forgive that frightened young girl who didn't have the experience, the knowledge, the understanding, or the resources to deal with what was happening. I forgive her because no one looked at her, saw her fear and said, Hey, what's wrong? I forgive her. I forgive her because she didn't feel she had a safe person to go to. I forgive you for detaching yourself from your feeling in self-preservation. What else could you do?
>
> Chica, I think you deserve to talk about this, and you deserve to understand what happened and understand the parts you played and what it meant. I don't think you deserve to be hated. I really really don't think you do.
>
> Hugs,
> ShortE
Posted by sleepygirl on May 9, 2005, at 19:31:07
In reply to how to get it out?, posted by B2chica on May 5, 2005, at 11:27:26
Hey there,
You know there are precious few things we're in control of when we're children, and you know what? It's terrifying. What happened was not your fault, you did the best you could. Please be gentle with this part of you, that little girl couldn't possibly figure out what the hell was going on and really understand it, let alone know what to do. Take care of yourself.
Posted by Shortelise on May 9, 2005, at 20:35:42
In reply to Re: Chica is ok with me, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 17:34:54
Chica, I can forgive that self-hatred, too. Because it happened to you, not to me.
Could you maybe let the idea, just the spark of the idea; a tiny, distant light creep into your mind that maybe, maybe if this had happened to *someone else* you would have compassion for her?
I think you deserve compassion, not contempt. I think you deserve kindness and help. And friendship.
(((chica))) Please take care.
ShortE
Posted by B2chica on May 12, 2005, at 13:15:42
In reply to how to get it out?, posted by B2chica on May 5, 2005, at 11:27:26
i was so full of anxiety i thought i'd explode on wed. i was in the hosp (safe) and ready to spill everything to T.
he didn't come ;(
i'm sure it was me that misunderstood but i thought he'd come and see me wed so i could get the rest out in a safe place.
course someone said that he may not be able to come see me cuz insu. won't pay while px is in hosp.
or there was some other breakdown of communication. all i know is i was ready. and now somehow i'm all closed up.
i'm even a little humiliated at what i've told him so far and am afraid to see him.
i think i'll take some of your advice and wear my favorite hoody to next session (friday) and cover up when needed.why won't these dang suicidal thoughts go AWAY!!!!!
b2c.
Posted by Tamar on May 12, 2005, at 13:33:23
In reply to Re: how (AND WHEN) to get it out?, posted by B2chica on May 12, 2005, at 13:15:42
It does sound as if there has been a breakdown in communication. Can you phone him and find out why he didn’t come?
It’s perfectly understandable that you feel closed up now: you were ready to talk, trusting your T and maybe you felt he let you down by now coming to see you.
Do phone him if you can and try to straighten things out with him. I’m sure he wouldn’t abandon you on purpose, so there must be an explanation.
> why won't these dang suicidal thoughts go AWAY!!!!!
Sorry that hospital didn’t help with that. I like your hoody plan. Hope it goes well.
Tamar
Posted by B2chica on May 13, 2005, at 10:19:16
In reply to Re: how (AND WHEN) to get it out? » B2chica, posted by Tamar on May 12, 2005, at 13:33:23
man, i just get so worked up sometimes. i think it was all the pressure i put on myself to 'talk' on wednesday. and when i couldn't my anxiety skyrocketed.
oh and about my T...ya, i knew this guy was great. he came to help me check in and they already took me back, they wouldn't let him back they kept giving excuses he waited there an HOUR!!! before he finally left.then he tried to call to get information and he said it was like fort knox and no one would talk to him.
but most importantly he called me yesterday to see if i was out and how i was doing.
any doubts in my mind have long washed away. (i feel pretty borderline by letting my anxiety get the best of me wednesday. course i guess under the circumstances..this is stuff i've kept down for 25 years so anxiety is expected huh.
i see him today and hope i can still get stuff out, i still feel a bit closed up but. i'm hoping i can just do it.thanks all!
Posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 10:25:01
In reply to He called me....., posted by B2chica on May 13, 2005, at 10:19:16
Posted by happyflower on May 13, 2005, at 10:36:43
In reply to He called me....., posted by B2chica on May 13, 2005, at 10:19:16
What a great T, he really cares about you. :)
Posted by Tamar on May 13, 2005, at 11:49:05
In reply to He called me....., posted by B2chica on May 13, 2005, at 10:19:16
I'm so glad he called you. He really does care about you.
I hope your session goes well and that you manage to get out the stuff you need to tell him about.
Tamar
Posted by B2chica on May 13, 2005, at 11:50:34
In reply to Re: He called me....., posted by happyflower on May 13, 2005, at 10:36:43
that makes me smile. so does his voice.
;^)i think i'm ready. feel better and gonna try to talk today and monday about 'stuff'.
thanks happyflower.
b2c.
> What a great T, he really cares about you. :)
Posted by Joslynn on May 13, 2005, at 15:19:26
In reply to you can all hate me now.**another trigger**, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 10:59:49
Why would anyone hate you?
He was the perpetrator. You were the child. Even if you escaped being a victim at the particular moment, and someone else was a victim, that doesn't switch you into the role of the perpetrator. That puts you in the role of survivor.
A child is not the policeman of the world and adults have let down children terribly if think they have to be. It sounds like adults dropped the ball in your life, and that is not your fault.
Even if you want to, you canot switch things around so that you can exchange your pain for her escape. It sounds like you have enough pain of your own to deal with, without taking on hers too. But maybe you are transferring, wishing an adult had intervened with the other times. So now you are thinking, maybe the adult you would like to somehow cosmically rearrange things.
But the child you did nothing wrong.
Posted by Joslynn on May 13, 2005, at 15:26:11
In reply to He called me....., posted by B2chica on May 13, 2005, at 10:19:16
Just an administrative note...if you are admitted again for some reason, you should ask them for consent forms and put down his name as someone they can give info to. They really should have done this during the initial paperwork but the admission process seems quite screwed up in many places and can be the hardest part of being an inpatient. Being on the ward itself, intimidating as that can be at times, is a lot easier than going through the intake!
Posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 17:58:19
In reply to He called me....., posted by B2chica on May 13, 2005, at 10:19:16
My therapist once told me that it was uncertain how much he could see me if I was hospitalized. It depended on the hospital, or something like that.
Posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 17:58:54
In reply to Re: He called me....., posted by Joslynn on May 13, 2005, at 15:26:11
This is the end of the thread.
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