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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mair on February 21, 2005, at 9:32:07
This has pretty much never happened before, other than for changing an appointment. She was checking up on me because she knows I'm having a really difficult time in therapy now and she knows I was ambivalent about coming to my appointment tomorrow. (It's the last thing I told her when I left my last session). She's leaving for vacation on Wednesday and wanted to make sure I came to my appointment tomorrow, so she could see me before she left.
I told her I've been really depressed so I really did intend to come. She offered to see me today since she has had some cancellations (we're in the middle of a snow storm). I said I was ok to wait - that yesterday was bad but I was better today, being back at work.
The most interesting thing she said was that there were things she really wanted to say to me about why I'm having such a difficult time in therapy now - I think related to the stage of therapy I'm in.
I think it's nice that she called, but now I can't figure out why I didn't grab at the opportunity to go see her today. I was pretty depressed yesterday, but usually it's worst when I'm at work, not better. And I am pretty bummed about not being able to see her for 10 days while she's gone.
And of course just having her call me has made my anxiety level spike a little.
Mair
Posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 12:30:37
In reply to My T Just Called Me, posted by mair on February 21, 2005, at 9:32:07
I probably would've waited to see her as well, too. I know I try to put off things I know will help me, wanting to rely on myself as much as I can right up to the last possible moment. She's going on vacation Wednesday, right? So Tuesday will be her last working day... it makes sense to wait till the last moment possible, to me.
Posted by daisym on February 21, 2005, at 14:19:32
In reply to My T Just Called Me, posted by mair on February 21, 2005, at 9:32:07
I'm glad she called to check on you. She obviously senses that things are shifting.
I can "hear" it in your posts too. It seems like you've started to recognize your attachment and you are questioning how smart this is on your part, because it leaves you open to hurt. It also sounds like you are getting near some sensitive subjects and need a lot of support around those. You definitely been posting more here. (Which I love!)
These strong attachment feelings are very scary. It is almost a knee jerk reaction to protect yourself from "allowing" yourself to need her. I can't help but think about two of the last few issues you brought up to her...worrying about her dying and not wanting to reveal your "worst" traits, like letting work pile up. It might be the vacation that is causing these feelings to surface but whatever the reason, I know they are disruptive.
Try to talk to her about them. I found that this is the best way to begin to understand the intense hold they have on me. I find that when I force myself not to call, not to be dependent on him, I get way more depressed. My therapist encourages me to "sink into these feelings" and jut allow myself to need him. It is way hard.
(((Mair))) I hope you share your session tomorrow.
Posted by mair on February 21, 2005, at 14:43:20
In reply to Re: My T Just Called Me » mair, posted by daisym on February 21, 2005, at 14:19:32
" I find that when I force myself not to call, not to be dependent on him, I get way more depressed. My therapist encourages me to "sink into these feelings" and jut allow myself to need him. It is way hard."
>
Yeah, but remember you have everyone's ideal T.
(-;My T hasn't been quite so encouraging, and I'm not ready to push that envelope. We've also talked about the interrelationship between dependency and attachment only briefly, if fairly recently. She certainly hasn't encouraged me to really lean on her.
Thanks for the encouragement. You guys have been great.
mair
Posted by mair on February 21, 2005, at 14:49:54
In reply to Re: My T Just Called Me, posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 12:30:37
Susan - I think a lot of women are conditioned to be self-reliant. And when you throw into that mix the typical mental isolation associated with depression, calling seems so out of the realm.
And I can never figure out what I'd say anyway.
mair
Posted by littleone on February 21, 2005, at 15:05:55
In reply to My T Just Called Me, posted by mair on February 21, 2005, at 9:32:07
It was nice that she called you.
I don't know about you, but swapping my days around always kind of throws me off a bit. And with her going away shortly, it's probably important to stick to your routine. And just think, if you had of gone that day earlier, that would mean 11 days until you saw her again instead of 10.
> The most interesting thing she said was that there were things she really wanted to say to me about why I'm having such a difficult time in therapy now - I think related to the stage of therapy I'm in.
Wow, this is a big incentive to go. To get an answer. Don't think I could resist that one.
I get so mixed up over my sessions. eg if I have a really good one and I'm left feeling really good, I usually want to skip the next one because I don't want to ruin the good feeling. But by the same token, because I'm feeling good, I'm eager to go to my next session.
Likewise, if I have a really terrible session and feel terrible afterwards, I'm usually overly keen to go again to try and rid myself of the bad feelings. But because I'm feeling so bad, I just want to crawl in my shell and stay away from the evil nasty therapy.
Hope that all made sense. Guess I was trying to say that if your last session wasn't that flash, are the odds good that your next one will be better?
We need some sort of therapy barometer that we can check out before our sessions. "Oh, today's gonna be pretty low on the insights. Think I'll stay home instead".
If you do go, I hope you have a feel good session to tide you over her break.
Posted by Dinah on February 21, 2005, at 18:39:48
In reply to My T Just Called Me, posted by mair on February 21, 2005, at 9:32:07
Wow. That must have made you feel really good even if it was a bit disconcerting. I think I'd drop dead from a heart attack if my therapist called me like that. He's said he doesn't. Period. He wouldn't call me unasked if he heard I was on fire. (He didn't say that, I'm inferring.)
And what a teaser! I'm dying to hear what she says, if it's not too personal. I'm sure it will be a not bad thing, if she's choosing to say it before a vacation.
I think it's terrific Mair. Your therapeutic relationship is definitely deepening.
Posted by mair on February 21, 2005, at 22:34:23
In reply to Re: My T Just Called Me » mair, posted by littleone on February 21, 2005, at 15:05:55
> I get so mixed up over my sessions. eg if I have a really good one and I'm left feeling really good, I usually want to skip the next one because I don't want to ruin the good feeling. But by the same token, because I'm feeling good, I'm eager to go to my next session.
>
> Likewise, if I have a really terrible session and feel terrible afterwards, I'm usually overly keen to go again to try and rid myself of the bad feelings. But because I'm feeling so bad, I just want to crawl in my shell and stay away from the evil nasty therapy.
>
> Hope that all made sense. Guess I was trying to say that if your last session wasn't that flash, are the odds good that your next one will be better?
I don't mind hard sessions; to some extent, if they're not a little hard, I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything or getting anywhere. These might be exhausting sessions, but I don't leave feeling worse than when I walked in. I guess as a general rule, the hard ones are maybe when we're talking about some issue I have with her.
For me, the bad sessions are the one where there is this horrible push pull - where I can't verbalize what's most on my mind. Frequently those come when I'm feeling or thinking the worst about myself, and the difficulty I have verbalizing in therapy just makes whatever I'm feeling about myself so much worse. And they are usually followed by better, sometimes even good sessions. It's almost like I have to totally burn out on my own self-hatred, before I can start having a more constructive conversation with her.What's made things so difficult lately, maybe, is that we have been talking alot about our relationship, which is hard. But i've also been dealing with some acute feelings of worthlessness and really struggling at work, (for reference see almost any of Dinah's recent posts) and trying to tap into all of that is just bad.
I do sort of like the idea of the therapy barometer. I used to have so much more control over all this. I could often adroitly steer our discussions away from the difficult topics, and she wasn't always the wiser.
Mair
Posted by Speaker on February 22, 2005, at 19:37:36
In reply to Re: My T Just Called Me » littleone, posted by mair on February 21, 2005, at 22:34:23
Mair,
It sounds like we are at the same place in therapy. I am finding it harder to keep the discussion going without my T coming back to the important. I would definately go since your T is leaving town! Even if you don't want to it probably will help...I know I hate that! Keep us posted as you are in my thoughts & prayers.
Marie
Posted by mair on February 22, 2005, at 21:58:54
In reply to Re: My T Just Called Me, posted by Speaker on February 22, 2005, at 19:37:36
Thanks so much Marie
I did go and it wasn't as bad. She thinks the reason I'm struggling so much in T is that I have 2 things going on which are in direct conflict with each other. One is that I'm starting to feel more comfortable around her and more connected and I want that sense of attachment. The counterbalance is my extreme fear of mortification (her word) - that I might really embarrass myself by something I say or do. Obviously if I keep my distance, that won't happen.
We talked alot about difficult things - the difference between hard sessions and what I consider bad sessions - she doesn't want me placing a value judgment on how I do in a particular session.
Unfortunately, the one thing we never got time to talk about is how miserable I'm feeling about myself these days - all of these horrible work issues.
The best news, however, (for me not her) is that because of something happening with her kids, she has to cut short her vacation so I'll only miss one appointment and not 2. Somehow that alone made the biggest difference to me. She also gave me her phone number for where she's going to be and stressed that in my case, she'd really love for me to call. Nice thought; Won't happen.
I need to be writing things down however. Knowing me, by the time she gets back, I'll have suppressed every feeling and thought I've had about what's happening with me now. (-;
Thanks again.
Mair
Posted by Dinah on February 22, 2005, at 22:13:14
In reply to Re: My T Just Called Me » Speaker, posted by mair on February 22, 2005, at 21:58:54
What she said sounds quite reasonable, Mair. :)
And see? The session before a vacation can be very very important without being distressing.
I always feel a bit guilty about it, but I'm also usually glad about any reason that keeps separations short.
I'd offer to be your sounding board about work, but I'm feeling so despairing and down myself about it that I'm unlikely to help you feel any better. :(
Posted by Aphrodite on February 24, 2005, at 15:08:16
In reply to Re: My T Just Called Me » littleone, posted by mair on February 21, 2005, at 22:34:23
>
>
> I could often adroitly steer our discussions away from the difficult topics, and she wasn't always the wiser.
>
> Mair
>Did you ever secretly wish she would catch on? I always do.
Posted by mair on February 24, 2005, at 16:32:15
In reply to Re: My T Just Called Me » mair, posted by Aphrodite on February 24, 2005, at 15:08:16
Did wish and still wish. In fact we've had some discussions lately about how much I wish she could read my mind. I don't know whether I want this because then it wouldn't be totally on me to raise important issues, or whether I want her to intuit more because it will just make me feel cared for more - you know, the idea that this person cares enough to think enough about what you need so your needs are actually anticipated.
What sometimes makes it seem worse is that my T has a tendency to jump in too quickly when I'm struggling to say something. So she'll attempt to finish my only partially expressed thought. What's worrisome, is how often she is WRONG. Not only does she not read my mind, but she doesn't pick up on the clues very well either. What does that mean?
mair
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