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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 13:36:54
but I am taking a break.
When last you heard from me, I had finally broken down and said those things that have stayed hidden in my heart all of my life. For the first time, I shared them with another human being. When I left, I felt he didn't "get it" and I wanted to quit and fell into one of the deepest episodes of depression I have ever experienced.
So, yesterday I told him that it had been one of the most difficult weeks of my life and that by the end of the weekend, I knew I needed to reach out to someone. He asked what triggered it. (Duh!) I said what I talked about last time. Then, I saw that look of searching for a minute, and he referred to his notes. I could have just slid down the chair and out the door. HE DIDN'T REMEMBER!!!!! In his defense, when I told him all of those difficults, I sounded as cold and clinical as you can imagine, so I'm sure all of the pain behind it didn't resonate. Once he was caught up and things started to return, he decided to do a meditation to help me self-soothe. This guy seems very deeply affected by any strong emotions I show. He always wants to deflect and help comfort me instead of trudging through. Anyway, the tape he made is actually great where he had me imagine a bright, wise, and benevolent light source that flows through my body and spills over the body to protect it taking the edge off of painful memories and thoughts. He said the light goes to the source of the pain in the emotional heart even if I don't know what I need or how to ask for it. All in all, a good experience, but we're still not at the meat of the immediate crisis. Then, he does some more guided imagery with my participation. My guard was really down, and I think I could have said or admitted to anything. I was very exposed for the first time, and of course, it was time to go. Then he turned off his warm, comforting voice and his soulful eyes and said, "I'm at a conference next week, so I'll see you back in a couple of weeks." I was in shock. Mind you, my heart was still on my sleeve -- a very rare place for it to be. I still hadn't asked if I could call him when I felt I was in a crisis. I still didn't get across how raw and miserable I am. I walked out without saying a word. If I had said a word, I would have sobbed. I saved that for the drive home.
Babblers, two weeks is an eternity when this pain is so immediate and unimaginable. When I got home, I called him and left a message that I would like to take a break from therapy because I am feeling so badly and to take care. There were two issues at work here: most likely, I cannot get out the right words and ask for what I need because if he had any idea how unstable I am, he would not let me go for two weeks without seeing him. The second option is that he DOES get it, but doesn't care, in which case I'm mortified because that means I can't even pay someone to care about me. Whichever option it is, it's horrible. So, I recognized how much I had come to depend on therapy as the savior of all my problems, and I keep getting disappointed. I am in mourning right now because I will miss him and do feel like I need him and that he has done many wonderful things. However, I need to stand back for awhile and see if this truly is the way to heal.
And, after I left that message, I can't believe he didn't call back. I waited for the phone to ring like a teenager. I thought it would be a last ditch effort to ask for what I need and make him understand. *Sigh*
A drama queen am I.
Posted by antigua on June 4, 2004, at 17:33:07
In reply to OK, I didn't quit . . . (long), posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 13:36:54
I'm really sorry your session turned out that way. It is true--they can't know unless we tell them, and often we think they should be able to read our minds, or at least I do when I can't seem to get the tough stuff out. Their switching on and off can seem heartless too--it always reminds me that it's just their job.
Sorry to be so negative. Two weeks IS a really long time and you'd think they'd know that...
antigua
Posted by DaisyM on June 4, 2004, at 18:43:09
In reply to OK, I didn't quit . . . (long), posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 13:36:54
(((Aphrodite)))
I'm really, really sorry. I can't imagine how much it must hurt right now, with the final straw being he didn't call back. Is there anyway he didn't get the message yet? Or, could he have misinterpreted it...like you were going to be away or something? I use to leave messages in my "professional" polite voice and my Therapist would be shocked to find out how awful I was really doing.
I'm worried about your self-description of unstable. Do you feel you can keep yourself safe? Is there anyone you can talk to about how bad you feel, even if not your private issues? I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I think you should consider finding another Therapist. Maybe one with trauma experience who knows that often "cold and clinical" descriptions cover up HUGE amounts of hurt and pain. And one who can allow you to feel really intense emotions without backing away.
I think there are two different ways Therapists deal with this stuff...some see no value in revisiting it and work very directly with coping skills and feeling better. Others feel that talking about it, feeling it and finding a way to integrate and live with it, is the right approach. I don't think there is a right or wrong way, just what works for each individual. Your Therapist does sounds like he is one of those who doesn't want to walk through it but is instead concerned about making you feel better about it, doing the guided imagery with you.
Please take good care of yourself right now. Try to avoid too much stress and do gentle things for yourself, like going to a movie or listening to music.
And post if it helps. Or email.
Daisy
Posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 20:43:18
In reply to OK, I didn't quit . . . (long), posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 13:36:54
I just could not believe he didn't call back! It was killing me today. So, I called him and asked if he received my message. He said, "I trust you to make good decisions for yourself." I said, "Oh." Then he ended with, "Peace be with you." AAARRRGGHH! I stopped him, met his clinical voice and said that I need a receipt for my visits for my medical spending account. He said, "Fine, anything else?" "Nope."
Can you belive this???
So, after an hysterical bout of crying realizing about 8 months later that he never did care and that he didn't care now that I was quitting, I decided I had nothing to lose. I called him back, and I asked, "For closure, I just want you to know that I worked very hard and tried my best to tell you what was wrong and just how badly I feel. I'm not angry, but I just want to know why you didn't care and have no concern for me?" There was a long silence. Then, he said that he had been feeling so badly for me and had gleaned that it was he that was making me worse week after week, and if leaving him would make me feel better, he wanted me to do that. He asked for more details about why I felt uncared for, and I talked about he avoided subjects and never offered to let me call him. I told him that if he knew how unstable I was, he never would let me go for 2 weeks. He agreed to this and more. He took responsibility for the fact that he was late the last 3 visits and that he had brought his problems into our sessions. He apologized three times very sincerely. He said he had been wanting me to come 2 or 3 times a week, had contemplated hospitalization steps, but was afraid of scaring the "corporate" part of me off. He said he wanted to be gentle so I wouldn't suffer more than I already was. He said he did, in fact, know how bad I was even when I couldn't say it. According to him, I am suffering "more than anyone I know right now." He told me if I agreed to return, he would take a heavier hand with me and ignore my corporate side and talk only to the hurt and wounded part of me. He said my wounded side finally called him, and he was responding. He worked me in for next week; he wants to see me twice a week and have phone check-ins. He told me to call anytime.
Then, he said he was proud that I had given my wounded side a voice and that he would be more assertive in attending to those needs more. He explained that if he seemed flippant at the end of sessions, it was because he was helping me get my "face" on for the world by being a little lighter.
At first I felt better, but then I felt so guilty for intially attacking him. But I couldn't know. Now I am so embarrassed that I let the tantruming inner child take over, but she sure did clear a lot of things up for the adult me.
Thanks, you guys, for listening. I hope to get less self-involved very soon.
Wow, this is such a great outlet for this issues. There is no one else who would understand.
Posted by DaisyM on June 4, 2004, at 21:52:55
In reply to The drama continues, posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 20:43:18
Aphrodite,
You are right - what a drama! I was reading and gasp! and then Oh! and then A**h***! And then I kept reading...
I'm glad you called him back. How brave! It does seem that you have a lot to talk about with him. I'm so glad you will be going 2x a week and I'm glad he told you to call. Please, please, don't be embarressed about getting what you need. Your inner child took over to do what was best for you.
I bet you are exhausted. What a roller coaster ride! I hope he worked you in early in the week. And I hope he can keep his own issues out of your therapy. Sometimes it takes something like this to break the whole thing open, for both of you.
I hope you have a peaceful weekend!
Daisy
Posted by Poet on June 5, 2004, at 13:58:58
In reply to The drama continues, posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 20:43:18
Aphrodite,
I just hit your therapist on the head through cyberspace for allowing his issues to interfer with your healing. I think I'll hit him again. Ahh, I feel better.
Temper tantrum inner children can sometimes be your best advocate. They say what you can't, it may be blunt, but it's clear.
I'm glad you got your needs met and he will see you twice a week. Take your inner child out for a treat, she deserves it.
Poet
Posted by Aphrodite on June 5, 2004, at 14:36:06
In reply to Re: The drama continues, posted by Poet on June 5, 2004, at 13:58:58
Thank you, Poet -- he deserved your wrath :)
He's often late, and I am always his first patient. (Being late is one of my biggest pet peeves.) So, he often goes on 10 minutes or more about why he was late as part of a pseudo-apology and all of the personal issues going on for him that caused the lateness. The explanation doesn't help. I mean, it takes all my energy to fight depression enough to get myself out of bed in the morning, and I always make it on time.
I think he realizes how much this prevents him from being "present" for me and how it makes me worry about him and his personal life.
Thanks for your support!
Posted by beatrix34 on June 5, 2004, at 16:16:26
In reply to The drama continues, posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 20:43:18
Wow, I was angry at him for you after reading your first post. Please don't be embarassed for asking for what you need. That is what he is there for, and it's great that you were able to express yourself so clearly to him. You are right, you do deserve someone that will be sensitive and caring in a T. Good for you! I hope that everything starts to really move forward for you in T from this experience. It sounds like that was a big step forward for you. Good luck!
Posted by gardenergirl on June 5, 2004, at 17:46:32
In reply to Re: The drama continues » Aphrodite, posted by beatrix34 on June 5, 2004, at 16:16:26
Aphrodite,
I'm so glad you were able to express your needs in a way that got his attention. I wouldn't be embarrassed if I were you. Apparently that's what HE needed to finally hear you. I'm also glad he is so willing to take responsibility for his actions and their effect on you. Hopefully, this will be a turning point in your relationship which will lead to positive things!Take care,
gg
Posted by Dinah on June 7, 2004, at 10:22:24
In reply to The drama continues, posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 20:43:18
Good heavens, don't feel guilty! You did just what you should have done to let him know what was going on. I can't tell you how many times I've had similar conversations with my therapist. Sometimes the more emotional sides of ourselves can contribute a lot.
Posted by Aphrodite on June 7, 2004, at 13:18:57
In reply to Re: The drama continues » Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on June 7, 2004, at 10:22:24
Thanks, Dinah. The emotional blow-out did help clear things up, but I am an absolute nervous wreck about seeing him tomorrow. We've never had "words" before, and it will be so awkward. I'm going to feel ridiculous since, in essence, on the phone I was sobbing, "Why don't you love me?!?!?" In the cold light of a rational day, it all seems so childish. Maybe because it was!
I was getting worried about you. Hadn't heard from you in a couple of days. You sound good. Is that right?
Posted by Dinah on June 7, 2004, at 15:41:30
In reply to Re: The drama continues » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on June 7, 2004, at 13:18:57
I would just see it as honest. It's a human need. Don't be embarassed about expressing it. That's what therapy is for, and your therapist should be familiar with it.
I'm doing a bit better than well, I'm afraid. :)
Posted by Aphrodite on June 9, 2004, at 11:34:27
In reply to OK, I didn't quit . . . (long), posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 13:36:54
I'm a mess. Wish me luck.
Posted by Dinah on June 9, 2004, at 22:06:49
In reply to Off for the first meeting since the meltdown, posted by Aphrodite on June 9, 2004, at 11:34:27
This is the end of the thread.
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