Posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 13:36:54
but I am taking a break.
When last you heard from me, I had finally broken down and said those things that have stayed hidden in my heart all of my life. For the first time, I shared them with another human being. When I left, I felt he didn't "get it" and I wanted to quit and fell into one of the deepest episodes of depression I have ever experienced.
So, yesterday I told him that it had been one of the most difficult weeks of my life and that by the end of the weekend, I knew I needed to reach out to someone. He asked what triggered it. (Duh!) I said what I talked about last time. Then, I saw that look of searching for a minute, and he referred to his notes. I could have just slid down the chair and out the door. HE DIDN'T REMEMBER!!!!! In his defense, when I told him all of those difficults, I sounded as cold and clinical as you can imagine, so I'm sure all of the pain behind it didn't resonate. Once he was caught up and things started to return, he decided to do a meditation to help me self-soothe. This guy seems very deeply affected by any strong emotions I show. He always wants to deflect and help comfort me instead of trudging through. Anyway, the tape he made is actually great where he had me imagine a bright, wise, and benevolent light source that flows through my body and spills over the body to protect it taking the edge off of painful memories and thoughts. He said the light goes to the source of the pain in the emotional heart even if I don't know what I need or how to ask for it. All in all, a good experience, but we're still not at the meat of the immediate crisis. Then, he does some more guided imagery with my participation. My guard was really down, and I think I could have said or admitted to anything. I was very exposed for the first time, and of course, it was time to go. Then he turned off his warm, comforting voice and his soulful eyes and said, "I'm at a conference next week, so I'll see you back in a couple of weeks." I was in shock. Mind you, my heart was still on my sleeve -- a very rare place for it to be. I still hadn't asked if I could call him when I felt I was in a crisis. I still didn't get across how raw and miserable I am. I walked out without saying a word. If I had said a word, I would have sobbed. I saved that for the drive home.
Babblers, two weeks is an eternity when this pain is so immediate and unimaginable. When I got home, I called him and left a message that I would like to take a break from therapy because I am feeling so badly and to take care. There were two issues at work here: most likely, I cannot get out the right words and ask for what I need because if he had any idea how unstable I am, he would not let me go for two weeks without seeing him. The second option is that he DOES get it, but doesn't care, in which case I'm mortified because that means I can't even pay someone to care about me. Whichever option it is, it's horrible. So, I recognized how much I had come to depend on therapy as the savior of all my problems, and I keep getting disappointed. I am in mourning right now because I will miss him and do feel like I need him and that he has done many wonderful things. However, I need to stand back for awhile and see if this truly is the way to heal.
And, after I left that message, I can't believe he didn't call back. I waited for the phone to ring like a teenager. I thought it would be a last ditch effort to ask for what I need and make him understand. *Sigh*
A drama queen am I.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:353781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/353781.html