Posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 20:43:18
In reply to OK, I didn't quit . . . (long), posted by Aphrodite on June 4, 2004, at 13:36:54
I just could not believe he didn't call back! It was killing me today. So, I called him and asked if he received my message. He said, "I trust you to make good decisions for yourself." I said, "Oh." Then he ended with, "Peace be with you." AAARRRGGHH! I stopped him, met his clinical voice and said that I need a receipt for my visits for my medical spending account. He said, "Fine, anything else?" "Nope."
Can you belive this???
So, after an hysterical bout of crying realizing about 8 months later that he never did care and that he didn't care now that I was quitting, I decided I had nothing to lose. I called him back, and I asked, "For closure, I just want you to know that I worked very hard and tried my best to tell you what was wrong and just how badly I feel. I'm not angry, but I just want to know why you didn't care and have no concern for me?" There was a long silence. Then, he said that he had been feeling so badly for me and had gleaned that it was he that was making me worse week after week, and if leaving him would make me feel better, he wanted me to do that. He asked for more details about why I felt uncared for, and I talked about he avoided subjects and never offered to let me call him. I told him that if he knew how unstable I was, he never would let me go for 2 weeks. He agreed to this and more. He took responsibility for the fact that he was late the last 3 visits and that he had brought his problems into our sessions. He apologized three times very sincerely. He said he had been wanting me to come 2 or 3 times a week, had contemplated hospitalization steps, but was afraid of scaring the "corporate" part of me off. He said he wanted to be gentle so I wouldn't suffer more than I already was. He said he did, in fact, know how bad I was even when I couldn't say it. According to him, I am suffering "more than anyone I know right now." He told me if I agreed to return, he would take a heavier hand with me and ignore my corporate side and talk only to the hurt and wounded part of me. He said my wounded side finally called him, and he was responding. He worked me in for next week; he wants to see me twice a week and have phone check-ins. He told me to call anytime.
Then, he said he was proud that I had given my wounded side a voice and that he would be more assertive in attending to those needs more. He explained that if he seemed flippant at the end of sessions, it was because he was helping me get my "face" on for the world by being a little lighter.
At first I felt better, but then I felt so guilty for intially attacking him. But I couldn't know. Now I am so embarrassed that I let the tantruming inner child take over, but she sure did clear a lot of things up for the adult me.
Thanks, you guys, for listening. I hope to get less self-involved very soon.
Wow, this is such a great outlet for this issues. There is no one else who would understand.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:353781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/353895.html