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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by CareBear04 on February 23, 2004, at 17:40:49
My problem is that I canĄŻt make myself talk in therapy. IĄŻve been seeing my therapist three times a week for a little over a month now. Our sessions always start with a discussion about medications and how theyĄŻre working. This takes up maybe a quarter to half of the hour. Sometimes, heĄŻll ask me questions, and IĄŻll give short answers, and then heĄŻll take over talking. I would never be able to free-associate because I censor my thoughts too much, and I generally donĄŻt say things without carefully thinking them through. As a result, my sessions have basically become lectures on psychoanalytic and psychiatric theory, about medications and differential diagnosesĄŠ basically, I listen while my therapist talks. I know this isnĄŻt how he wants it, and I get bored listening, not to mention the fact that I feel like I should be making progress to make it worth the cost. I feel bad because my therapist thinks I donĄŻt want to be there. ThatĄŻs true in part—IĄŻm required to be in therapy in order to remain in school, and I resent being told what to do, but I also want to get better for myself. I really like my therapist, but no matter how much I like someone, there are certain subjects I canĄŻt bring myself to talk about except maybe with close friends. When my gyn made me talk to him about birth control since it could mess with my mood, I could barely have the discussion without turning bright red. Even though heĄŻs a doctor, I was still really uncomfortable. I canĄŻt imagine talking about sex or even my relationship with my boyfriend in therapy. I know these are things youĄŻre supposed to talk about, especially if they are somewhat important in your life, but I canĄŻt make the words come out. I canĄŻt talk about my self-esteem or body image issues because IĄŻm too embarrassed.
The bottom line is that I want to get better and work out issues in therapy. I may not have chosen to be in therapy if I didnĄŻt have to be, but IĄŻd like to make the most out of it. IĄŻm sick of listening to my therapist talk, and heĄŻs sick of talking. He doesnĄŻt know how to help me without being too pushy, especially since IĄŻve had a lot of coercive psychiatric treatment in the past. I donĄŻt know how to start talking about personal, private stuff. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can make sessions more productive?
Posted by rs on February 23, 2004, at 18:09:57
In reply to how to make myself talk, posted by CareBear04 on February 23, 2004, at 17:40:49
Therapy can be very hard to talk about anything. May I ask if you trust this person yet? In experience takes time here to open up. You said it has been a month? Trust is a hard thing. Do you like the person and feel comfortable. Please hang in there. Also have you told him how you felt and that it is hard for you to talk?
Posted by thewriteone on February 23, 2004, at 18:55:43
In reply to how to make myself talk, posted by CareBear04 on February 23, 2004, at 17:40:49
I know almost every time I respond to someone I bring up the trust issue, but I really do think it's the most important part of therapy. It takes a long time to develop the trust that is required in this type of relationship. I'm sure your therapist knows this and is doing all he can to make you feel more comfortable. Most likely he's just trying to give you the time you need to trust him. There is no set time. Sooner or later you'll just find yourself saying things you probably aren't comfortable with now. Don't feel rushed to get there--it will happen.
Posted by Dinah on February 23, 2004, at 19:16:19
In reply to how to make myself talk, posted by CareBear04 on February 23, 2004, at 17:40:49
I found it very useful to write between sessions and bring it in and read it to him, at least at the beginning. Now I can just jot a note or two to remind me what I was thinking during the week.
But that might at least get you started.
Posted by pegasus on February 23, 2004, at 23:17:52
In reply to how to make myself talk, posted by CareBear04 on February 23, 2004, at 17:40:49
I find that if I'm having trouble talking about something in therapy, sometimes if I back up a few steps, there is some part of it that I can talk about. So, for example, say that I need to talk about sex (I'm just making this up). I know I can't do that, so I'll bring up the fact that there is something I think I need to talk about, but I'm far too embarrassed, and I don't want her to dig for it. So, then we'll talk about why I'm embarrassed (i.e., what I'm afraid might happen). Maybe I'll even mention that it has to do with my husband. Or maybe that piece will come out a couple of sessions down the road. Basically, I'm suggesting that maybe you can approach some of the important but hard stuff with little tiny steps, and let yourself off the hook for the big scary stuff until it feels right.
I find that with this very slow approach, I can sometimes feel out a way into a topic that I didn't think I could bring up. Or I can at least talk about the secondary issue that's keeping it out of therapy. And if nothing else, I'm getting a feel for how much I trust my T, and getting to know her better.
So, in your case, maybe you can start by letting your T know that you do want to get some help from therapy (since it sounds like he might think you're only there because you have to be). That's one tiny step in the right direction.
Or if that's just not going to work, maybe you can start by talking about fun things in your life. Stuff you are interested in and like to talk about. At least then you're not getting bored by lectures about psychoanalysis, and you're getting to know your T better and vice versa. And getting into the habit of talking.
- p
Posted by tinydancer on February 24, 2004, at 0:50:32
In reply to Re: how to make myself talk » CareBear04, posted by Dinah on February 23, 2004, at 19:16:19
I agree with Dinah. Writing in between sessions is a fantastic tool to using therapy time more productively. I think the first step to overcoming a problem is knowing you have one and you are aware and willing to make a change.
If you aren't a writing type, sometimes just carrying around a tiny notebook to jot down words or thoughts can also be a substitute to jog your memory when you come to your appointment.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 24, 2004, at 6:38:38
In reply to Re: how to make myself talk, posted by tinydancer on February 24, 2004, at 0:50:32
There's lots of good advice here. I think what works for me is to talk about my reluctance to talk about something. Sometimes you have to process this first before you can talk about a specific content.
Good luck and don't worry. It takes time to feel comfortable in therapy.
gg
Posted by jane d on February 24, 2004, at 9:45:45
In reply to how to make myself talk, posted by CareBear04 on February 23, 2004, at 17:40:49
Do you think you would be more comfortable talking to a woman? It's reasonable to want a woman as either a therapist or a gyn. After a lot of years telling myself that it shouldn't matter I finally decided to just accept that it does matter to me and that having someone I am comfortable with is more important than doing what I think I should do.
Jane
Posted by Karen_kay on February 24, 2004, at 12:20:21
In reply to how to make myself talk, posted by CareBear04 on February 23, 2004, at 17:40:49
Hey there...
I was in t5he ezact same situation as you. I almost wondered if I posted this a few months ago. This sounds like the exact same thing I was going through, and still am to a point...
Sugestions for you hun....
In time, you will begin to trust your therapist more, and your "censoring" will at least be less. It happened with me. I try to act confident and self-assured, but I'm not always that way. It's a front I put on.... But, my T haa come to realize that it is a front. And he points it out. And it sucks to be told tht you are pretending or censoring... But, eventually you will relax. Give it time..
About body issues..
I know what you mean about that too. Why bother to point something out to someone that they may have missed. IE: I don't like my breasts. Why bother to point out that I have small breasts if he didn't already realize it, you know? But, I did and he made me ralize that my breasts aren't small. And I'm happy with them (not to mention my sister has NO breasts! Ha! Mine are bigger.. We used to argue often about who's breasts were bigger, and I finally win!!)
When we talk about my body issues, it's in general terms. I've never pointed out that I think I am fat. I don't need reassurance that I'm not, I need to work out! So, when I talk about my body issues, I might say, "I'm going to start working out." And it makes him realize I have "body issues." So, we can begin talking about them, in general terms.
Another approach is to start out small. You can mention that you and your boyfriend/girlfriend/what ever you choose are fighting, or having "problems sexually." It may make your face turn red and seem very odd to talk about, but you can let him do some talking and just answer some questions. That may help...
I really thin that in time you will become more open. I had the exat same problem. He tried to do "free association" with me once and I sat there for 20 minutes breathing heavy. I told him I would censor and he made me do it anyway. All I said was, "I HATE IT WHEN MAKE MAKE ME DO THIHGS I DON'T WANT TO DO." And that phrase explianed SOOOOOO much.....
Posted by terrics on February 24, 2004, at 16:43:44
In reply to how to make myself talk, posted by CareBear04 on February 23, 2004, at 17:40:49
Maybe you really do have the wrong therapist for you. Perhaps you could try a female therapist. good luck with school. terrics
Posted by CareBear04 on February 24, 2004, at 17:17:41
In reply to Re: how to make myself talk ?CareBear04, posted by jane d on February 24, 2004, at 9:45:45
Hey everyone,
Thank you all sooo much for your responses and good advice! I put some of it to use today in my session. I started out by saying that I really did want to be there and wanted to get something out of therapy, but that there are certain issues that I want to talk about but just really can't. My T kept saying that he doesn't like asking quesitons because he doesn't want me to feel cornered, but then he started trying it, and I started talking more. We alluded to sex but didn't talk about it explicitly. We did talk a bit about my boyfriend and what I look for in men and what my greatest fear is on that front. Even without my saying anything shocking, I think he was a little surprised to learn that I'm "socially active," as he euphemistically phrased it. Everyone thinks/wants to think that I'm really innocent, and I think that has something to do with my reluctance to talk about these private and personal issues.Regarding time-- I'd like to take it slow, but I probably will be seeing this T only until the end of the school year. I'll be going away this summer and next year, and I don't know when I'll have another chance to be in intensive therapy. SO the pressure is on to MAKE PROGRESS NOW!
Thanks again for your responses!
~CB
Posted by CareBear04 on February 24, 2004, at 17:34:22
In reply to Re: how to make myself talk ?CareBear04, posted by Karen_kay on February 24, 2004, at 12:20:21
Hey Karen Kay! It's so funny... I related so much to everything you said, small breasts and all! I have never brought up anything about my body because that would only cause him to look and that would make me really uncomfortable. For awhile, some of my meds were causing me to break out, and I've never had skin problems before. I was too embarrassed to mention it to my T in case he didn't notice, anyway. I just kept taking the meds and went to a dermatologist to get more meds. Then, people were commenting that I looked too thin; that I was losing too much weight. This was another med-induced phenomenon, but I wouldn't bring it up with him because then he would give me the up and down, and I would feel totally self-conscious. I know I'm not fat, but I still feel like I am, and I don't like people assessing my body! To talk about these things in therapy would be, as you said, bringing attention to things he might not even have noticed.
Anyway, thanks for the advice! And good luck working things out with your T!
Cb
Posted by catachrest on February 26, 2004, at 14:39:59
In reply to Re: how to make myself talk » Karen_kay, posted by CareBear04 on February 24, 2004, at 17:34:22
I really identify with Carebear and KarenKay. I often find that my T will ask me a question or soemthing and I'll just sit there quietly because I don't know how to answer. It's hard to know why but I just don't know where to start. It's like he asked the question in Russian, or had inquired about the inner workings of quarks, or something.(I think I might have done better with the quarks question.) ONe time it was "What do you want?" (in the greater sense of what do you want in life, what do you want to change). I couldn't say anything. Finally, after about 5 minutes (felt like 5 hours) I came up with "lunch"....Now I talk more but it feels like small talk more than anything else. I don't know why I'm so defensive, or if that's even the problem. I want help but I don't know how to respond to his method. The other day he mentioned that I'm being resistant, which I had to admit was true in retrospect, though I've been consciously trying to be as open as possible. I think often he perceives it as resistance when really I just don't know what to say. Sigh. This whole therapy thing is so frustrating.
Susan
Posted by obSession on February 26, 2004, at 16:27:04
In reply to Re: how to make myself talk » Karen_kay, posted by CareBear04 on February 24, 2004, at 17:34:22
I told my shrink how fat I was ...I way in the high 40's kgs and I said I wanna lose 10 kgs and he said I should lose up to about 8!
i told a friend and she freaked and said if I lost 8 kgs I would look thin.......
its all bad now I think my therapist thinks Im fat .....i did before but he is advising me to lose weight...why did I bring the subject up....
im sure all his patients are like anorexic sticks....Bummer
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