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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Joslynn on December 17, 2003, at 16:08:43
Why do I have this weird desire to find out what my shrink's wife looks like, so I can find out if I am prettier than her? Why is this important? I would not follow up on investigating this, but I just wish I knew what she looked like. I know she is several years older than me, but is she prettier, thinner, is she all buff because she doesn't work and can be at the gym all day when her kids are in school?
This is weird. It's dumb. I am not in competition with her, she is married to him, I am just a client. This is silly and weird.
If I ran into him with his family in the mall or something (which could happen, we live about half an hour away from each other) and his wife and kids were all perfect and beautiful, I would probably run off to the bathroom, throw up and then never see him again. I would make up some excuse that my insurance wouldn't pay anymore or something.
I just think I would die if I saw her and she was all pretty and thin and perfect, with hair that never frizzes and a perfectly toned body.
And if I saw her and decided that I was prettier, I would feel this weird triumph. But I would probably still run into the nearest restroom and throw up.
Am I weird?
Posted by Dinah on December 17, 2003, at 16:26:23
In reply to shrink's wife wonderings, posted by Joslynn on December 17, 2003, at 16:08:43
I saw mine's wife. She showed up at his office at my appointment time once. I was curious, and snuck peeks. My main thought was that she seemed nice, and not to old to have a baby, and I don't think I'd like my therapist having a baby and that was horrible of me.
I happened to mention that I had been a bit curious when I saw her. I didn't mention the childbearing age thing. The next week there was a picture of the two of them together sitting in his office. It might have been a coincidence, as he had just put up a picture of his daughter.
I think it's natural enough to be curious... I don't even want to know my therapist outside therapy, but that doesn't mean I don't want to know what he's like. A person's spouse says a lot about them. I'm glad that mine's looked nice.
Posted by Karen_kay on December 17, 2003, at 17:35:25
In reply to shrink's wife wonderings, posted by Joslynn on December 17, 2003, at 16:08:43
I don't think you are at all weird. I had the same thoughts. And my therapist asked my once. He asked me "Do you fantasize about what my wife looks like?" I was appauled and horrified. We finally clarified precisely what the word fantasize meant, and I admitted that I wonder what his wife looks like.
Then I found a picture of her. And she wasn't at all what I *wanted* her to look like. But, the more I think about it, the more I think she is what possibly suits him. (Or rather, closer to his tastes)..I think that maybe it is a competition of sorts for attention. Maybe I'm way off here, but you want to be important to your therapist. I'm not sure if you are experiencing transference (erotic) towards him. But, I think everyone is curious about our therapists' spouses and children. And of course we wonder how we rate accordingly. I always wonder if my therapist finds me more physically attractive than his wife. I would ask him, but I know even if he did he wouldn't admit it. And, it would just make him mad at me for asking, so what's the point? Maybe on my very last day, I'll tell him everything and I'll be like, "So, I allready know I'm sexier than your old lady. I just want to hear you say it"... But, that would just make me sound bad.... :( Or would it? I could be like, "here's my number, give me a call in two years, baby!"
Posted by DaisyM on December 17, 2003, at 19:14:48
In reply to Re: shrink's wife wonderings » Joslynn, posted by Karen_kay on December 17, 2003, at 17:35:25
I hope on your last day you won't *need* to give him your number! :)
Posted by Karen_kay on December 17, 2003, at 19:35:07
In reply to Re: shrink's wife wonderings » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on December 17, 2003, at 19:14:48
> I hope on your last day you won't *need* to give him your number! :)
<<I don't need to give him my number now, but I still think he seems to be funny, caring, sweet, and most importantly pretty darn sexy.. all of the qualities I'm looking for :) I did ask him once if he has a brother. He said yes, but his brother is emotionally withdrawn. Guess perfection only comes around once in his family :(
(Hmm... maybe I still do have a bit of a crush on him. But, it isn't nearly as intense)
Daisy, why do you have to ruin my dreams? *wink*
Posted by DaisyM on December 17, 2003, at 19:55:51
In reply to Re: shrink's wife wonderings » DaisyM, posted by Karen_kay on December 17, 2003, at 19:35:07
Sorry...I guess that's my MO lately. Cold water reality. Stinks, huh?
I think I'll start a dream thread though, good idea.
Posted by Joslynn on December 17, 2003, at 20:49:05
In reply to Re: shrink's wife wonderings » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on December 17, 2003, at 19:55:51
Ok, I'm glad I'm not a freak. Thank you for responding.
Hmm, I don't think it's really an erotic transference. It's more like, I want him to love me in a very courtly, knightly way, from afar, but without actually acting on it.
Last time I saw him, I had a date later that evening and I was in my "date hair" and my "date makeup" (you ladies know what I mean) and he said I looked pretty and asked where I was headed. So of course later when I thought about that comment, part of me wondered if he was secretly jealous of my date and if he thought I was prettier than his wife...? That is not a nice way for me to think about another woman though. And even if am prettier than she, she is the one he loves as a wife.
(The date didn't turn out that well by the way.)
I just wish I could get the upper hand and he could wonder about me outside the office and feel jealous about the people in my life instead of the other way around. Of course, he works so much, would I even want to be his wfie, and see him so little? No.
Posted by Dinah on December 17, 2003, at 21:13:01
In reply to Re: shrink's wife wonderings, posted by Joslynn on December 17, 2003, at 20:49:05
Sometimes I think that although we don't get much time with them, we get the best part of them. When my therapist's wife was there, she and the secretary were talking about how hard he is to track down. And I know I've heard him talk sharply to her on the phone. When he gets home, he's just another guy. Maybe not even as nice as the one I've got. He probably yells, is impatient, doesn't listen, and drives her up the wall just like all husbands (or fathers or mothers) do.
He's a good therapist. That's the role I want him to play in my life. I've got other people to play other roles and fill different needs.
I just want him in that role forever. Sigh.
Posted by fallsfall on December 17, 2003, at 23:05:55
In reply to Re: shrink's wife wonderings » Joslynn, posted by Dinah on December 17, 2003, at 21:13:01
I know what his wife and kids look like. There is a family picture on the internet. I saw it before I ever met him. She's pretty and successful (she's the head of the guidance department at a prestigous private high school). The family looks happy, even the dog looks happy.
I am a little jealous that his family seems so perfect. But all I really want is for him to not get mad when I call, and to keep me on the list of people who get the extra appointment on holiday weeks. And to wonder if I'm doing OK once in a while...
Posted by DaisyM on December 18, 2003, at 0:12:13
In reply to Re: shrink's wife wonderings, posted by Joslynn on December 17, 2003, at 20:49:05
Wow! I am such an emotional mess I can barely drive home. Last time I drove right through a red light...I didn't even slow down. Good thing we live out in the country!
Dating after -- good for you!
Posted by Joslynn on December 18, 2003, at 8:36:09
In reply to You can date after Therapy?! » Joslynn, posted by DaisyM on December 18, 2003, at 0:12:13
Well, I usually would not go on a date after therapy, but the session was a reschedule and it was the only slot left. There was also some time in between to wind down at my apartment. And it gave me extra confidence to walk into the date after a nice therapy session. I wouldn't make a habit out of it though, because I think the therapy detracted from the date and vice versa.
Posted by judy1 on December 18, 2003, at 9:43:54
In reply to shrink's wife wonderings, posted by Joslynn on December 17, 2003, at 16:08:43
now this is just personal experience and I will mention no names nor do I know how frequently this type of thing happens. fact: shrink messes around with female patient(s), wife finds out, wife divorces said shrink, shrink loses license for a specific # of years, shrink gets back license but all future female patients must be seen with nurse present in room (not real popular with shrink's female patients). just posted this to show they're all human (and some sub-human). I think I may have a different outlook. hmmm.
p.s. shrink is not real good about paying child support either.
Posted by Joslynn on December 18, 2003, at 10:48:00
In reply to Realities of being a shrink's wife » Joslynn, posted by judy1 on December 18, 2003, at 9:43:54
Judy, I always appreciate your honesty on here. I can glean from your posts that you did experience your shrink crossing all kinds of boundaries a few years ago, and it helps me to see that what I sometimes wish would happen is actually quite devastating to the person involved. It helps to see that I don't really want what I subconsciously want, if that makes sense. So, thank you for sharing your pain, it is good to see the other side of the forbidden dream, which can turn into a nightmare.
Posted by judy1 on December 18, 2003, at 11:03:02
In reply to Re: Realities of being a shrink's wife, posted by Joslynn on December 18, 2003, at 10:48:00
I'm really glad you're able to see the other side, a lot of people hold their docs up on pedestals and don't appreciate their humanity.
take care, judy
Posted by naiad on December 18, 2003, at 12:05:29
In reply to thanks... » Joslynn, posted by judy1 on December 18, 2003, at 11:03:02
Judy,
Your post, re shrink's wife, was really important. I have fantasies of therapsit boundary crossings and have even told him about them. I am so thankful that he hasn't accepted the bait. When he asked me if I fantasized that I would leave my husband and he would leave his wife, it was a real eye opener. I said no, I would never leave my husband and I have tried not to even think of his wife. I could never live with that guilt! Not only that, I think the reality of life with him would never live up to the fantasy.
All of that siad, I am curious about her and I am a very competitive person so I would want to be smarter, better looking, etc., but I will probably never know!
Posted by Pfinstegg on December 18, 2003, at 22:11:26
In reply to Judy's wisdom, posted by naiad on December 18, 2003, at 12:05:29
I just saw my analyst's wife, with him, at a concert, last night! She was pretty, and looked nice. I felt jealous and anxious, although I was able to calm down after a bit. The main hurdle, for me, was negotiating a smile and "hi" with him, but I did it, and he responded in kind. But, of course, I had a session with him today, and we spent almost the WHOLE time exploring my feelings about this encounter. He asked several direct questions about my feeling, fears, hopes and fantasies about it, and I had to go much further than I wanted to, in comparing myself to his wife, admitting to my jealousy, competitiveness with her, hope (and dread) of having him for myself- on and on. We ended on a relatively peaceful note, but I hope it's a long while before I run into them again!
Pfinstegg
Posted by Dinah on December 18, 2003, at 23:56:18
In reply to Re: just saw his wife.. » naiad, posted by Pfinstegg on December 18, 2003, at 22:11:26
You did well. :)
I found out that my therapist, and presumably his wife, were at an event my husband and I attended a few years ago. I was really worried about it even after the fact. Now we have tickets to the same event, and I'm afraid he'll be going again too. But I don't think I could ask him.
I would be delighted to manage a smile and a nod.
Posted by Karen_kay on December 19, 2003, at 8:58:34
In reply to Re: just saw his wife.. » naiad, posted by Pfinstegg on December 18, 2003, at 22:11:26
Wow! Congatulations to you! On both occassions! Since I've seen a picture of my therapist's wife, I'd be tempted to play dirty and flirt uncontrollably. But, I'd have to cancel the next 4 appointments to regroup (I never claimed to be a good person :)
And you did a great job during the session being honest about your feelings. That must have been hard. Have you expressed these feelings prior? I'm sure we all have them... Good job!
Posted by LostGirl on December 19, 2003, at 9:34:04
In reply to shrink's wife wonderings, posted by Joslynn on December 17, 2003, at 16:08:43
My former therapist, who I loved, loved, loved, until he "forgot" to tell me about his vacation dates worked out of his house. The bottom floor was an office, waiting room and bathroom and he lived in the two upper floors. I occasionally saw the wife come and go, sometimes with a toddler. Then that September I notice, as I'm waiting for my daughter at her elementary school, that THE WIFE is approaching the pre-school across the street to get their kid who just started attending there. For TWO YEARS the wife would pick up their kid across from my daughter's school. It became this sort of morbid fascination to watch for her, check out how she looked, clothes, if whe talked to other mothers, etc. My impressions were:
1. Always running late (unlike me who gets to my daughter's school and appointments with her hubby very promptly).
2. She walks like a duck.
3. She has no taste in clothes. Wears a jeans skirt SO often. Wears a stupid bright backpack instead of a more professional bag.
4. Was the oldest of all the parents (they were almost 50 and had this pre-school kid, their only kid)
5. I am much prettier, and I look young for my age - he's got to find me attractive compared to that thing he sleeps with, I mean his wife.
- I also ran into them several other places.
They took the kid to the local Halloween parade. The wife had cat make-up on, he had a dog mask on the top of his head that he was reluctant to put on his face. She marched with the kid, he hung out on the sidelines.
- They attended a carnival at my daughter's school, in her schoolyard. I had an instant migraine. Interestingly they didn't interact. She talked while he put the kid on rides. Then she left.
- There was a meeting to sign kids up for the local day camp. She walks in and goes on the line right next to me and stands 2 feet away (lines were by alpabetical listing). She pulls out her cel phone, makes a call, doesn't reach the person, puts it away. Five minutes later, same routine. Five minutes later, again, and as she's holding it to her ear, he walks in. She says to the person in front of her "It's about time he got here." I want to disappear because he's heading my way to get to her. I look the other way and down. He greets her, then disappears and talks to people on the side of the room, not waiting on line with her or interacting with her.
- I saw them the other day. He was walking about 8 feet in front, then the kid, then her.
I was always comparing myself to her, and fascinated with her, and joyful that in my mind I came up the winner. But even in fantasy, I didn't ever want anything outside the room. I just wanted to make believe that his whole life WAS that time with me, those two hours a week, and that he never left the room or got out of that chair except to let me in and out.
I was always jealous of other people coming and going. The best was when there was no one before me or after me. Not too bad when someone before me or after me, worst when someone before me AND someone after me.
He once, amazingly, told me that the kid is adopted, that they had fertility problems. He rarely ever divulged anything and that was a shocker. Of course I then wondered which one had the fertility problem. Low sperm count? Old eggs?
Posted by judy1 on December 19, 2003, at 10:26:15
In reply to Re: shrink's wife wonderings, posted by LostGirl on December 19, 2003, at 9:34:04
you made me crack up. it must feel great to compare yourself to his wife and feel like 'the winner'- but what came across is how you humanized them. I think that's really healthy. BTW, I know a shrink and wife- both 50's- with a toddler. She used donor eggs (and his sperm)- see what you can find out when you socialize with the fertility doc and know the staff. Geez, I hope this isn't the same guy (no, he didn't work out of his home).
take care, judy
Posted by Karen_kay on December 19, 2003, at 11:54:58
In reply to Re: shrink's wife wonderings, posted by LostGirl on December 19, 2003, at 9:34:04
It just makes you wonder doesn't it? I mean I tend to think tha therapists are superhuman. They can read minds. They know ALL of the answers (except with me, WHY is that?? maybe he's just holding out!). They have perfect marriages. My goal in life is to marry a therapist. But, I guess that wouldn't really work would it. Darn it :( My therapist told me once that when therapists get married the first time around, it typically ends in divorce because they use the first marriage to work out parental problems and issues. NOW, why would he tell me that? He's on his first marriage. That was just a stupid comment to make....
But, I tend to think that therapists are "the cream of the crop". They tend to be in touch with their emotions. And caring. And good listeners. Or just damn good actors. I want to marry one of my own. Maybe I'll go hike a tent in the Psychology Department and see what the prospects look like. I don't care what he looks like. I just want a full-time shrink....
I'm glad my therapist doesn't work out of his home, or I'd be tempted only to comment on his wife. And if she were around, I'd interact with her. I'm certain of it. It would make him mad of course, but I'd do it.
Did you ever comment on his marriage (or lack of one?)
I've seen a picture of my therapist's wife and I think I'm better looking. But, the more I think about it, the more I think she suits his tastes.
Posted by Penny on December 19, 2003, at 12:16:50
In reply to Re: shrink's wife wonderings, posted by Karen_kay on December 19, 2003, at 11:54:58
My former T told me that the children of therapists usually end up needing therapy more than other children. She was only half-joking, I think, and it makes me think of therapists who are married...
My former T was married with two little kids (had the second while I was in therapy with her). Don't know if it was her first marriage or not, though I assume it was, and I don't know if she was happy or not, though I assume she was. But I don't know for sure - she never let on. My current T is divorced with a grown daughter. I suspect she wasn't married for a long time, and that she was married fairly young, though I don't know b/c I haven't asked. I don't think she ever remarried.
But my pdoc is married and has been I think since medical school and has five kids, and speaks highly and fondly of his wife and children. I've never met any of them, but I've heard him on the phone with his kids, and he's so warm with them, and I've heard from others (the nurses and receptionist at his old office) that his wife is a wonderful person. He seems quite happy, though he works all the time, and I always think I would want to marry someone like him, though with a lighter work load!
But I don't know that I would want to marry a therapist, really. I would like to BE a therapist, but not marry one. I don't know...hmmm...
P
Posted by Pfinstegg on December 19, 2003, at 16:55:27
In reply to Re: just saw his wife.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Karen_kay on December 19, 2003, at 8:58:34
Well thanks, guys! The smile was rather forced, and accompanied by a nervous little wave of the hand. But HE seemed very relaxed, and gave a more real smile and nod back. The wife looked like she was very used to such encounters- looked pleasant, and was half-smiling, but not especially interested. They looked like they were a solid pair.
I actually hadn't brought up all the stuff about him and his wife before this. It had come up in my mind fleetingly, but I had always quickly pushed it away, So the encounter was actually a help in getting me to explore all the feelings- isn't it strange- the main one for us all seems to be comparing ourselves to the wife! In my case, they were obviously a close couple, but that didn't stop me from saying, "you should be with me- not her!" Embarrassing, but also a relief.. and I'm married!
Pfinstegg
Posted by Dinah on December 20, 2003, at 10:45:39
In reply to Re: shrink's wife wonderings, posted by Karen_kay on December 19, 2003, at 11:54:58
You guys are funny. :)
I guess there's one advantage in being plain as a platter. I never have to agonize whether I'm prettier than *anyone*.
Posted by Karen_kay on December 20, 2003, at 13:41:07
In reply to Re: shrink's wife wonderings, posted by Dinah on December 20, 2003, at 10:45:39
*plain as a platter*
Now this I highly doubt. If your looks are even vaguely similar to your personality than I'm certain you are a firecracker :) Unless, of course your posts are fraudulent. This leaves some room for specualtion.... (Just kidding of course)
This is the end of the thread.
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