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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by naiad on December 15, 2003, at 13:39:06
I am completely obsessed with questions about transferance. It seems as if this is all that I think about -- and not the original issues of my therapy.
My story is that I began therpay after my teenage son almost died from a drug overdose. It was a traumatic and life changing experience for us all. My self esteem as a parent was completely shot and I knew that I needed to cope with my co-dependent behavior. So I began therapy with a social worker who worked at the rehab hospital where my son was treated.
After a very short time in therapy, I realized I was falling in love with him. It scared me because I knew that my feelings were dangerous and inappropriate. Thankfully, somewhere on this site I found the book recommendation of *In Session* by Deborah Lott which I ordered and read non-stop until I finished it. I related to so much of that book but it really burst my fantasy of having a romantic realtionship with my therapist. The book also encouraged me to share my feelings with my therapsit and suggested that if he were worth his salt, he would know how to handle the situation and turn it to my benefit. So after much trepidation, I told him and he was understanding and did not make a big deal of it.
Fast forward a couple of months, I have felt that I was able to manage my feelings towards him and not think of him constantly. In other words, the romance fantasy was safely tucked away. I raised the subject again during our last two meetings, and now my therapist seeems to want me to be very explicit about my feelings. What are my fantasies, etc. I actually told him about some of them but now I am beginning to wonder what to do next.
Typically, my therapist wants me to decide what we(mostly I) will talk about. What I like talking about is our relationship but I wonder if I am just avoiding other issues.
I also have alot of fear of loosing him as a therpaist. He has not told me he cares about me in any way other than purely professionally (sounds so cold!). I am afraid if I continue to discuss our relationship and my feelings for him, he will 1) confess that he also has feelings for me (my secret desire AND fear) and dishcarge me or 2) say very clearly that he does not have romantic feelings for me (unrequited love!) or 3) tell me that I am too difficult and do not stay on task or 4) do none of the above and just continue to listen to my struggle to express my feelings.
I suppose of the above choices, I would prefer number 4.
Does anyone have an experience like this? I just don't know what kind of foucs to give transferance. I know the feelings are real -- sometimes warm and wonderful and sometimes scary and confusing.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on December 15, 2003, at 15:43:53
In reply to Transferance questions, posted by naiad on December 15, 2003, at 13:39:06
I can completely empathize with your quandry since I am in pretty much the same boat. I have been seeing my psychologist for 5 months now and realized within several months that I had a monumental crush on him. Through reading these forums, I got the Lott book and read it about 5 or 6 times. It really helped to put things in perspective.
I actually gave this book to my therapist before I revealed any feelings. I just casually mentioned that I thought the book was interesting and did he want to read it? He said yes and has said that he learned much from it. A few weeks back I admitted to him that I was experiencing "transference" and that I was afraid that maybe he would be put off by it or somehow offended. He said he was neither and not to worry, that he really learned a lot from the the Lott book, mainly, neither to accept nor reject my love. He did mention though that he hoped it wouldn't get in the way of therapy and I assured him it wouldn't, that I didn't want to seduce him (of course I do!) but that I just had a Daddy-crush on him.
Like you, I am afraid to bring it up again for fear that he may think I'm too difficult to handle or maybe he just doesn't want to deal with a patient who has an overt crush on him. so I haven't brought it up. And I really think he doesn't want to talk about it too much. So for now, nothing has been said again about it, although I somehow feel much better that I told him and that he seems to reamin neutral, neither saying "No! that is forbidden" or "I feel the same!"
I do want to bring it up again, but everytime I think I'm ready to, something else more urgent pops up in therapy (maybe I do this on purpose?) I highly recommend loaning the book to your therapist. Would you feel comfortable doing that? I even went so far as to underline things. I knew he HAD to pay attention to that! I am very non-confrontational however.
Posted by stjames on December 15, 2003, at 17:15:01
In reply to Transferance questions, posted by naiad on December 15, 2003, at 13:39:06
To me, falling in love with your T is not, per se, Transferance. This is how I understand transferance:
Transference – In PSYCHOANALYSIS, the phenomenon by which the patient projects certain feelings or emotions onto the therapist, or casts him/her into a certain role. For instance, the therapist may be seen as possessing the same traits as a father-figure about whom the patient had ambivalent feelings. becoming more and more in control of such feelings is a process known to psychoanalysts as WORKING THROUGH. Cf. COUNTER-TRANSFERENCE.
Posted by judy1 on December 15, 2003, at 18:30:06
In reply to Transferance questions, posted by naiad on December 15, 2003, at 13:39:06
James gave a good definition and you read Lott's book (which I agree is excellent) yet you still don't get the difference between transference and 'being in love'. You are experiencing transference- you're projecting your feelings. I don't know your particular issues, but obviously abandonment is one, and it's so incredibly common. I am guessing your therp wants to know the details of your feelings so you both can figure out the why and who they are really meant for. Once you do that you can move on to other issues. does any of this make sense?
Posted by stjames on December 15, 2003, at 18:34:33
In reply to Re: Transferance questions » naiad, posted by judy1 on December 15, 2003, at 18:30:06
So judy, are you saying 1) fall in love with T
so 2) one can play out ones issues
Posted by naiad on December 15, 2003, at 18:45:55
In reply to Re: Transferance questions » naiad, posted by judy1 on December 15, 2003, at 18:30:06
> James gave a good definition and you read Lott's book (which I agree is excellent) yet you still don't get the difference between transference and 'being in love'. You are experiencing transference- you're projecting your feelings. I don't know your particular issues, but obviously abandonment is one, and it's so incredibly common. I am guessing your therp wants to know the details of your feelings so you both can figure out the why and who they are really meant for. Once you do that you can move on to other issues. does any of this make sense?
When I tried to make the link between my transferance and my mother ( who was and still is the big issue in my life), he said "let's keep it in the room." (Meaning - let's talk about us and not your mother) Does that sound provacative? As if possibly he is the one who is encouraging the discussion of OUR realtionship vs mine with my mother?I think you're right. I don't really get it...
Posted by Dinah on December 15, 2003, at 19:13:46
In reply to Re: Transferance questions, posted by naiad on December 15, 2003, at 18:45:55
No, it doesn't sound provocative, from all you've said. Different therapists have different ways of working. His way might be to concentrate on the relationship between you as a microcosm of how you relate to the world in general.
But if he's encouraging you to talk about it, why are you afraid he'll reject you for it? Is he sending mixed messages?
So in general he lets you pick the topic, but right now he wants to concentrate on your feelings for him?
I'd just tell him what you told us and ask him what he is trying to accomplish. But then again, I drive my therapist crazy sometimes by trying to make everything explicit.
Posted by stjames on December 15, 2003, at 19:22:47
In reply to Re: Transferance questions, posted by naiad on December 15, 2003, at 18:45:55
Does that sound provacative?
I think it is more you want it to be provacative.
I think part of transferance is allow the patient to
project all the unhealty behaviors at the T and then the T showing the healthy way a person should react.
Posted by judy1 on December 16, 2003, at 10:01:22
In reply to Re: Transferance questions, posted by stjames on December 15, 2003, at 18:34:33
I guess I don't particularly like using the term 'fall in love', although I know that's exactly what it feels like when someone accepts and supports you unequivocably in a safe environment. but realistically, I look at it as someone safe to 'hold' my issues (in my case towards my father) and work out the anger and love I feel towards my surrogate father/therp. so I guess the answer is yes to your question- judy
Posted by judy1 on December 16, 2003, at 10:10:10
In reply to Re: Transferance questions, posted by naiad on December 15, 2003, at 18:45:55
geez, another agreement with James :-). Please don't feel anything you're doing is uncommon, but I agree you are reading emotions in your therp that aren't there. I don't feel he's trying to be provocative at all, he just wants to understand exactly what you're feeling. it's natural to want (and fear) our therps to 'love us', it's all part of the process. but I really think your therp is acting appropriately (and as someone who has been a victim of boundary crossing), I don't feel your therp is doing anything inappropriate and it's your own feelings that are causing you confusion.
take care, judy
Posted by LostGirl on December 16, 2003, at 11:25:57
In reply to Transferance questions, posted by naiad on December 15, 2003, at 13:39:06
When you were talking about your mother and he said "let's keep it in the room" I think he might have meant don't go back to your mother and start taking the issues up with her, but work it out with him. Because when I was saying in therapy how all this talk about childhood was making me hate my parents and he said it'll get worked out I asked if he meant by taking it to them and he said no, by working it out here.
That said, I am still not over my feelings for my former therapist. We had an incredible rapport and I got a lot out of it but he "forgot" to tell me about his vacation. That and a few other things showed me he had trouble with his counter-transference. Now I'm with a woman who loves to hear herself talk and shows little empathy - at least I won't be too attached.
Posted by naiad on December 16, 2003, at 12:21:06
In reply to Re: Transferance questions, posted by LostGirl on December 16, 2003, at 11:25:57
Hi Lostgirl,
Thanks for the post -- I didn't give a verbatim account of the interaction with my therapist -- not only did he say "let's keep it in the room" he also said " why do you want to go to the classic use of the term?" (transfer of my feelings for my mother onto a better version of her, my therapsit). I know it was not because there was some question of my taking it directly to my mother.
This all came up because I told him about something I had noticed about the way my brain was working. Whenever I did something well, my first thought was "wouldn't my therpaist be proud of me." I told him about it and said my interpretation of this link was that I wanted my mother to be proud of me and that I saw this as an example of transferance. That's when he said "let's keep it in the room" Clearly the implication (at least at the time it was clear) was that he didn't want to focus on my mother issues. It seemed to me that he wanted to know more about how I felt about him. Maybe the therapuetic part is for me to understand that I need and crave empathy, security, and approval (who doesn't?).
I sometimes feel like I do all the talking and love it when he chimes in with some great and wise insight. Hope your new therapist will listen more and talk less.
Naiad
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