Posted by naiad on December 15, 2003, at 13:39:06
I am completely obsessed with questions about transferance. It seems as if this is all that I think about -- and not the original issues of my therapy.
My story is that I began therpay after my teenage son almost died from a drug overdose. It was a traumatic and life changing experience for us all. My self esteem as a parent was completely shot and I knew that I needed to cope with my co-dependent behavior. So I began therapy with a social worker who worked at the rehab hospital where my son was treated.
After a very short time in therapy, I realized I was falling in love with him. It scared me because I knew that my feelings were dangerous and inappropriate. Thankfully, somewhere on this site I found the book recommendation of *In Session* by Deborah Lott which I ordered and read non-stop until I finished it. I related to so much of that book but it really burst my fantasy of having a romantic realtionship with my therapist. The book also encouraged me to share my feelings with my therapsit and suggested that if he were worth his salt, he would know how to handle the situation and turn it to my benefit. So after much trepidation, I told him and he was understanding and did not make a big deal of it.
Fast forward a couple of months, I have felt that I was able to manage my feelings towards him and not think of him constantly. In other words, the romance fantasy was safely tucked away. I raised the subject again during our last two meetings, and now my therapist seeems to want me to be very explicit about my feelings. What are my fantasies, etc. I actually told him about some of them but now I am beginning to wonder what to do next.
Typically, my therapist wants me to decide what we(mostly I) will talk about. What I like talking about is our relationship but I wonder if I am just avoiding other issues.
I also have alot of fear of loosing him as a therpaist. He has not told me he cares about me in any way other than purely professionally (sounds so cold!). I am afraid if I continue to discuss our relationship and my feelings for him, he will 1) confess that he also has feelings for me (my secret desire AND fear) and dishcarge me or 2) say very clearly that he does not have romantic feelings for me (unrequited love!) or 3) tell me that I am too difficult and do not stay on task or 4) do none of the above and just continue to listen to my struggle to express my feelings.
I suppose of the above choices, I would prefer number 4.
Does anyone have an experience like this? I just don't know what kind of foucs to give transferance. I know the feelings are real -- sometimes warm and wonderful and sometimes scary and confusing.
poster:naiad
thread:290070
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031213/msgs/290070.html