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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rigby on September 5, 2003, at 12:58:26
Hi There,
Do any of you guys have your therapist say stuff like this, "I feel like you're fighting with me--like you came in here ready to pick a fight." Not only does she do this but she does it with feeling, like she gets upset about it. Is this normal?
My therapist has done this a *number* of times and it seems kinda funky. She acts a bit hurt, like it's personal. I guess she picks up on whether or not I'm in a more or less impatient or sarcastic mood but I have had to say "Well, how about we focus on the content for a second."
Also, it seems like shouldn't she let me be annoyed if I am? It's a funny reaction--if I'm ticked off wouldn't you think she'd bring that up to me vs. being upset I'm ticked off or impatient?
Ugh. I keep going back to thinking she and I have a "personal" thing (mostly good) which means she's "involved" which is good but I sorta kinda wonder too. She even caught herself last night when she gave me grief for being annoyed.
Here's another thing: I'm avoiding a question by rubbing my legs (was wearing shorts as usual) and remarked I needed to shave. She says, "I didn't think lesbians shaved." Huh? First off, HELLO? I mean what a funky comment. Second, she spent about 10 years in a relationship with women (or a woman)--she acts so CLUELESS!! Then she looks at her OWN legs to check things out (she's wearing a schoolmarmy kinda dress but you can see her calves) and she looks at me and I reassure her that her legs are just fine and she seems happy.
I sort of love her for her quirkiness and I think she kinda loves me right back but. Well. I dunno.
Do you guys think this is, uh, a tad bit off-beat?
Posted by fallsfall on September 5, 2003, at 13:27:17
In reply to Do I Have a Weird Therapist Relationship?, posted by Rigby on September 5, 2003, at 12:58:26
Actually, it sounds fine to me. I read a lot of books on therapy and the "it seems like you want to pick a fight with me" is really common. Lots of the time (depending on what kind of therapist she is - doesn't sound very CBT to me) they care more about what is going on in the relationship than they do about what you are talking about. You just talk so that things will happen in the relationship.
The shaving thing looks really cute to me. She is comfortable and open/honest with you. That is good. Again, look at process more than content.
It sounds wonderful to me.
Posted by Dinah on September 5, 2003, at 16:29:59
In reply to Do I Have a Weird Therapist Relationship?, posted by Rigby on September 5, 2003, at 12:58:26
My therapist does his own version of the picking a fight discussion. But since he's more cerebral than emotional it takes the form of him putting his walls up and getting all cold while telling me that obviously nothing he could say today would be sufficient for me.
I think only the most evolved (or disengaged) therapists can completely avoid human feelings at what would ordinarily feel bad in any relationship.
As for the leg hair remark. I wouldn't particularly care for that one, but I'm pretty firm in my boundaries. Maybe it's a matter of personal preference. It could be seen as a natural and charming comment, or a slight boundary infringement that is best ignored.
Still.... You seem to have an overall feeling that your therapy boundaries are not where they should be. Do you think a consultation might be in order? That would help you sort out how much is her actions and how much is your perception.
Posted by HannahW on September 5, 2003, at 16:53:31
In reply to Re: Do I Have a Weird Therapist Relationship? » Rigby, posted by Dinah on September 5, 2003, at 16:29:59
The picking a fight thing doesn't seem too offensive if it's brought up in a conversational manner. Especially if you ARE picking a fight. However, in the last few days (since discovering this board), I've done a lot of reading about transference and counter-transference (which is the therapist's response to the patient). Counter-transference is about as common as tranferrence, so maybe her evident emotions behind the "picking a fight" comment are part of her own issues about having someone mad at her. If it is, she needs to deal with them outside of her session with you.
I'm not sure about the leg-shaving part. I guess it depends on what your relationship is like with her. Were her legs shaved? Looking through my own filters, I would wonder whether she feels somewhat threatened that a fellow lesbian (I'm making assumptions here, since you didn't dispute it and I haven't been around long enough to know whether it's true) would do something "unlesbian-like" which is different from how she does things.
I apologize if I'm way off base.
Hannah
Posted by Rigby on September 6, 2003, at 17:40:17
In reply to Do I Have a Weird Therapist Relationship?, posted by Rigby on September 5, 2003, at 12:58:26
Hi Fallsfall, Dinah and Hannah and thanks for all your messages!
I do feel at times like it's fine and warm and that she's cute about this kind of stuff, like you said Fallsfall. But then I also feel like at times it has come back to bite me a bit. She gets serious all of sudden--like she pushes the boundaries, realizes it and then pulls back. Dinah, you had mentioned getting a second opinion and I have talked to another therapist about quitting this current one and how conflicted I was and she said just do what my gut says which was to stay so I have.
Hannah, regarding counter-transference, my sense is that my therapist might have this in a big way with me. Last time I saw her she said something like, "Let's focus on our relationship--specifically our therapy relationship" and I'm thinking "What *other* relationship is there here anyway?" She was lesbian in her 20's then ended up marrying a guy in her 30's. I know this b/c a friend of mine who was roomate's with her knew her so that's how I got the info. I'm openly gay--have been for a long time.
When we talked about "her stuff" around me she said that what can share with me is that she likes me very much, finds me interesting and a challenge and that she very much wants to be/remain my therapist. I told her that I was more interested in what she *couldn't* share with me. She just smiled and that was that. When she was on these meds for a bad infection she dumped other stuff--that I was her favorite client, that I was special, that she was closer to me than any other client, etc. It took me many months to get her to talk about this very strange exchange that went on--she avoided it until I nearly quit.
She has said that she feels that we "get along too well" which has made things difficult. And she has apologized for confusing me. But sometimes I wonder if it's just one of those deals where you get two people together who have chemistry and you keep trying to play by the rules but you keep ending up bending them?
This is the end of the thread.
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