![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 327 to 351 of 545. Go back in thread:
Posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 17:43:35
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 18, 2004, at 17:35:27
Lynne,
Your message came just as I posted a message. Funny how we are online at the same time.
I gotta tell ya: You made my eyes water.
((Lynne))
Thanks for being so nice to me.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 18:28:06
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 18, 2004, at 17:35:27
Me again Lynne,
> When dreams die you have to grieve them, that's for sure.<
But you know what? It's not just the loss of a dream....because remember that the "nursing" dream didn't even come into being until 1998. It's not just the loss of a dream, but the loss of:
*getting off Welfare in 2 more years
*being a productive member of society in 2 more years
*having a career that is worthwhile and I'm PROUD to be a part of in 2 more years
*finally GIVING BACK in 2 more years
*finally being able to introduce myself to people because I don't have to hide that I'm on Welfare
*maybe even keep my eyes open for that special guy, someone to grow old with, because I don't have to hide anymore due to Welfare
*being able to get my teeth fixed in 2 more years (all Welfare wants to do is pull...forget about filling or capping or even cleaning!)
*losing those last years of my kids living at home and me being able to AFFORD them (lol!)...you know, buying them goodies and affording to have them involved with organizations and having sleepoversI lost my foothold, and now I don't have a timeframe as to when I can ever stop looking down at the ground and just blending in and hiding. Like I said before, you tend to isolate yourself when on Welfare....who wants to always be asked what you do for a living?
It's funny that you mentioned x-ray technologists. That's what hubby did. Although he went to school for 2-years to get his degree. I can't imagine on-the-job training now. But, that doesn't interest me much anyways.....even though I did a fair share of his papers for him. Lol!!!
I've always had an interest in corrections and criminal justice. Go figure my job in California, huh? Lol. Did I ever tell you that I heard a cop get shot? It was at my job, and we had sent a dispatch to a garage that was broken into. For some reason, the partners split up when they arrived. This officer walked around a corner alone, came upon the 2nd bad guy unexpectedly, and the bad guy shot him almost point blank in the chest. One shot, and three screams from the cop. He had a vest on, but it's nothing like television. The 2nd bad guy tore off in a car, and I remember how silent it got. I'm not sure what his partner was doing. He had apprehended the first bad guy, and obviously heard the gunfire and his buddy screaming. Just three screams. But they were awful. One short scream when he was first hit, and then two longish screams of terror and pain. Anyways, he survived!!!! But his heart stopped twice on the way to the hospital. The bullet didn't go through the vest, but massively bruised his chest. He never really wanted to go out on calls for quite some time after that. Who can blame him? And the cops caught that bad guy. He somehow got his arm broken or dislocated (can't remember which). Official story was that he fell when being apprehended. They thought the officer was going to die. ANYWAYS, my two "angels" were talking about my old job one time, and I happened to mention that story. Then I got the darn screams stuck in my head again. Argh. Funny how we do that to ourselves.
Don't know how I got onto that with you. Lol.
I think I'll go get myself a chocolate poptart!!! Yummy!
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by partlycloudy on May 18, 2004, at 18:28:26
In reply to Re: Sandy » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 17:43:35
If I can help find any resources for you from where I am, I would love to be able to help. I know what shame is, I know how it is when dreams shatter or fade away. I know what it is to say too much to someone in your family, and then you can't say anything else. i know what it's like to look for a job that isn't too much but has to be enough. (I ended up getting a job answering phones. So far, I have tried to mess it up but THEY have faith in ME! How misplaced!)
Sandy, you *are* in a better place than you were in March, there is no doubt. And you know you can speak to us here at Babble. And sometimes you have to write something out a few times before you find the articulation you are looking for.
Posted by jlynne on May 18, 2004, at 20:11:14
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 18, 2004, at 17:35:27
Sandy, Lynne is a good friend and I am glad she is back for you. When I read your posts to each other it is like watching two good friends work things out together. I think if you lived near each other you would be *buddies*:~) Now you have an *e-angel*.
Thank you for writing back to us and being honest with what you are feeling; I appreciate it more than you can know.
((((HUGS)))) ((((Sandy)))) ((((Lynne))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 21:21:19
In reply to My offer still stands » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on May 18, 2004, at 18:28:26
Hi partlycloudy,
You should be here tonight. It is pouring raining. I'd rather have partly cloudy. *smile*
Thanks for the offer. If I get to that spot, I'll certainly come running to you. But right now I just need to take it slow. I found out today that I don't know which way I'm headed from one week to the next. I'll let you know what I mean by that on Thursday.
By the way, I left you a message in the Books section.
Thanks for reaching out to me. I do appreciate it.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by Simus on May 19, 2004, at 0:52:58
In reply to Re: Sandy » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 18:28:06
Sandy,
It says in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
God has a good plan for your life, whether or not you can see it now. And it is NEVER too late for God to make a difference in your life and to use you. He will surprise you if you let Him.
Isaiah 61:3 says "He will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory."
Do you have any ashes that you would like to exchange for beauty, or any mourning or despair that could be exchanged for joy and praise?
Don't bother trying to convince me that these promises don't apply to you, or that your circumstances are just too bad, because I am already in faith concerning your future and I chose to see God's view of your situation instead of yours. Like me or not, believe me or not, that's just the way it is.
You NEED people in your life to stand with you and see you through this. Please reconsider and call the number of the church I gave you. It isn't that far away. Just swallow your pride one more time and ask for a ride to church for you and your children, at least once. If you do this just once, I will never bring it up again.
God bless.
Posted by SandyWeb on May 19, 2004, at 12:37:33
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by jlynne on May 18, 2004, at 20:11:14
Hi all,
My case worker just left. I filled out the paperwork, and we'll be reinstated on Welfare by the end of next week. All signed up for another year. *sigh* I'm glad some of the finances are taken care of, but I feel demoralized by how I had to get there. I had to pretty well sign away every right I was ever born with. Such is the case of one who lives off the hard work of others.
We've been having a stand-off in our quiet little neighborhood since last night. Apparently the police went to a house at midnight last night to serve an apprehension notice from Child Protective Services, and the gentleman wouldn't let them in. He shot at them around 2am. And the whole area has been closed off since midnight with police, swat team, paramedics. The local junior high school wasn't opened today. And the whole thing makes me want to cry. I don't know why. Something about someone in enough pain to barricade himself in and shoot at the police, and the police wanting to end it peacefully without him getting hurt. And it feels like a hopeless situation....he knows he's going to be arrested, he knows he has just made matters so much more worse, he's angry and depressed and you know he must be having suicidal thoughts. And yet we work so hard to try and prevent someone taking their own life. Even though they were coming to arrest him last night, today they are trying to keep him alive. And sirens....all the time you hear sirens.
http://novascotia.cbc.ca/regional/servlet/View?filename=ns_standoff20040519
So, a little draining today.
And my mum wants us to get together as a family soon to celebrate my dad's birthday. I'm just not ready for that type of closeness yet. I still just want to be alone.
I'm just very, very tired.
I'll chat with you all later.
Sandy
Posted by LynneDa on May 19, 2004, at 16:51:39
In reply to Re: Sandy » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 17:43:35
Hi Sandy - Thanks for your note! I signed off right after I sent my last message to you. Your response made me smile when I read it this morning!
You've had quite the exciting day it seems. I am SOOOOOO glad you have signed all your papers. What a relief. I can't really imagine how you feel, being on welfare. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I have really been lucky to have this job for so many years. Have you looked for jobs through the internet? What about a work-from-home job? With your medical background, could you do medical transcription? That's something you can do at home, arranging your own hours.
Hey, I don't think that you are the stereotypical welfare mom, living off the work of others! I know you are so hard-working & conscientious and hate this situation. Anyone who would meet you and talk to you for awhile would realize that!! You have in the past, and will again, contribute in the typical way to society. Life is like a bank - you make deposits during one part of your life so you can make withdrawals when you need to!!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Lynne,
>
> Your message came just as I posted a message. Funny how we are online at the same time.
>
> I gotta tell ya: You made my eyes water.
>
> ((Lynne))
>
> Thanks for being so nice to me.
>
> Sandy
>
Posted by LynneDa on May 19, 2004, at 17:07:34
In reply to Re: Sandy » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 18:28:06
Sandy - this is such a succinct, poignant, wonderfully written post. You have a way with words. I don't know why you think you're not good at explaining yourself. If only we could write our way through life (LOL)! That's how I am, my thoughts get very tangled up when I'm distressed & try to explain them out loud. Like partlycloudy said, writing things out does tend to lead to clarity.
That is such a sad story, about the cop. Being a part of that environment does change you in a certain way, you don't look at things the same way anymore.
Here's your new 2-year plan: Within 6 months you will find a decent-paying job, get your foothold there and get promoted within the following 12 months. Then, you can do the things for your kids that you want. Along the way, you'll meet many exciting and wonderful men (ok, maybe they'll just be basically nice!) who will lavish you with gifts and attention - only you won't want any of them and you'll break their hearts and move on til you find the right one.
That's what I want to see happen to you and there is no reason it can't. Those are just the basics, you can embellish as you wish! I will be here to support you however I can. You're sounding much better lately. I hope that's a good sign!
I tried to decrease my med dose the past 5 days. It wasn't a pretty sight, so back up to 20 mg I go!
Oh well, wish I could talk more, but have to go get the kiddies. Hope you have a great night!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Me again Lynne,
>
> > When dreams die you have to grieve them, that's for sure.<
>
> But you know what? It's not just the loss of a dream....because remember that the "nursing" dream didn't even come into being until 1998. It's not just the loss of a dream, but the loss of:
>
> *getting off Welfare in 2 more years
> *being a productive member of society in 2 more years
> *having a career that is worthwhile and I'm PROUD to be a part of in 2 more years
> *finally GIVING BACK in 2 more years
> *finally being able to introduce myself to people because I don't have to hide that I'm on Welfare
> *maybe even keep my eyes open for that special guy, someone to grow old with, because I don't have to hide anymore due to Welfare
> *being able to get my teeth fixed in 2 more years (all Welfare wants to do is pull...forget about filling or capping or even cleaning!)
> *losing those last years of my kids living at home and me being able to AFFORD them (lol!)...you know, buying them goodies and affording to have them involved with organizations and having sleepovers
>
> I lost my foothold, and now I don't have a timeframe as to when I can ever stop looking down at the ground and just blending in and hiding. Like I said before, you tend to isolate yourself when on Welfare....who wants to always be asked what you do for a living?
>
> It's funny that you mentioned x-ray technologists. That's what hubby did. Although he went to school for 2-years to get his degree. I can't imagine on-the-job training now. But, that doesn't interest me much anyways.....even though I did a fair share of his papers for him. Lol!!!
>
> I've always had an interest in corrections and criminal justice. Go figure my job in California, huh? Lol. Did I ever tell you that I heard a cop get shot? It was at my job, and we had sent a dispatch to a garage that was broken into. For some reason, the partners split up when they arrived. This officer walked around a corner alone, came upon the 2nd bad guy unexpectedly, and the bad guy shot him almost point blank in the chest. One shot, and three screams from the cop. He had a vest on, but it's nothing like television. The 2nd bad guy tore off in a car, and I remember how silent it got. I'm not sure what his partner was doing. He had apprehended the first bad guy, and obviously heard the gunfire and his buddy screaming. Just three screams. But they were awful. One short scream when he was first hit, and then two longish screams of terror and pain. Anyways, he survived!!!! But his heart stopped twice on the way to the hospital. The bullet didn't go through the vest, but massively bruised his chest. He never really wanted to go out on calls for quite some time after that. Who can blame him? And the cops caught that bad guy. He somehow got his arm broken or dislocated (can't remember which). Official story was that he fell when being apprehended. They thought the officer was going to die. ANYWAYS, my two "angels" were talking about my old job one time, and I happened to mention that story. Then I got the darn screams stuck in my head again. Argh. Funny how we do that to ourselves.
>
> Don't know how I got onto that with you. Lol.
>
> I think I'll go get myself a chocolate poptart!!! Yummy!
>
> Hugs,
>
> Sandy
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Posted by lonelygirl on May 19, 2004, at 18:15:48
In reply to Re: Sandy » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 18:28:06
Sandy,
I write now with the authority of someone with a B.S. degree -- hehe... B.S.... get it? -- ;). Anyway, I think my former psychologist would say that this looks like a case of "all-or-nothing thinking." It looks like you had a goal and a time frame for reaching that goal, but now that you have gotten off track from that, you sort of feel like you've completely failed and that now everything is totally hopeless. Is that sort of accurate?
Well, I hope I'm not way off base on that. It looks like that 2-year time frame was pretty important to you -- like you could see the light at the end of the tunnel, and now, you feel like the light is gone (bear with me; I'm not very good at making up clever metaphors). But you should realize 2 things. First of all, just because you may have lost your dream of nursing, that doesn't mean you can't reach these goals in some other way. I know LynnDa has given you some other career-related suggestions for you to think about, and you mentioned in another post that you've been looking for other jobs, so that's a good start. Secondly, if you don't reach all of these goals in just 2 years, it doesn't mean you failed. 2 years from now, maybe you won't be off welfare yet (and all the other things you listed), but if in 2 years you have made progress towards reaching your goals in another year, that would still be great. What I'm trying to say is, just because you may not reach your goals in the exact way and the exact time frame you originally wanted, it doesn't mean that all is lost.
I also wanted to respond to something you said in another post ("I'm Sorry") about talk therapy. I was forced to go to talk therapy several times throughout my childhood, and I hated it. It didn't help, and I resented the fact that everyone was ignoring my concrete problems and basically telling me it was all just in my head -- and that everything can magically be solved just by "talking about it." But as you probably know, I was forced into talk therapy again this year, and this time was really different. My psychologist is a cognitive-behavioral therapist and he approaches everything in a very logical, rational way. If you could find someone like my former psychologist, I honestly think it would be really helpful to you. Once you sort out exactly what your problems and obstacles are, and what you are going to need to do to overcome them, maybe it will feel just a little less overwhelming.
P.S. I'm trying to find you some information on St. Vincent de Paul, because they run food banks and at least some of them do home deliveries, so you might see if they can help you since you have trouble getting transportation to the food bank.
Posted by lonelygirl on May 20, 2004, at 9:35:35
In reply to I'm Sorry, posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 17:34:32
Ok, Sandy, I looked into St. Vincent de Paul in your area a little... Since I don't know exactly where you live, I can't find the nearest SVDP food bank, but I e-mailed a couple of churches in your area and they recommended calling the nearest Catholic church, as most of them have a St. Vincent de Paul Society, or can give you the number of the nearest one. One person said if he knows where you live, he can tell you the church to call. I'll e-mail you with his address. You don't have to be Catholic, by the way, to get their services.
Do you know when your welfare is going to be reinstated? Does the welfare provide enough money for bills and groceries? I know you try hard to make sure your kids have what they need, so I hope you'll think about calling SVDP for help. They make home visits so they can bring the food to you. I can't speak for everyone at every SVDP chapter in the world, but at least the ones I've known are compassionate and understanding, and will not look down on you for being on welfare. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to take that step in asking for help, but I hope you realize that they want to help you, and that's why they're there, and they won't think anything less of you for needing it.
Ok, check your e-mail soon... I hope you've having a good day. Haven't seen you in Open for a while, by the way; hope to see you there again some time. Now I'm only 1 hour off your time zone.
Posted by LynneDa on May 20, 2004, at 13:19:50
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by lonelygirl on May 19, 2004, at 18:15:48
Hi everyone! I just want to say thanks to Simus, Jlynne, partlycloudy & lonelygirl. I love reading all your posts. Even though they're meant for Sandy, they are wonderful, insightful thoughts that are really helpful to all of us!!!
Sandy, my last post was a little Pollyanna-ish wasn't it?!?! Sorry for that, but I'd taken my 20mg dose a little bit before that and was feeling so much better than I had - just bursting with hope and good wishes (ha ha!). But, realistically, I hope we can talk about some job options for you. Let me know how it's going. If you need any resume tips, I see literally hundreds of them a year and can give you some ideas if you need it.
I'm heading to Atlanta this weekend, leaving tonight, so I won't be on-line til next Monday or Tuesday. Take good care and I hope you have a nice weekend with the kids. Is their school year ending soon? Mine get out on June 10. I'll be sending good thoughts your way :-)
~ Lynne
Posted by partlycloudy on May 20, 2004, at 14:00:41
In reply to Re: Sandy group » lonelygirl, posted by LynneDa on May 20, 2004, at 13:19:50
Me, too. I'm headed to Orlando for the weekend so I'll be around tomorrow (Friday) but then gone until Monday.
hugs all around - but none of that group stuff!! You all deserve your very own hug!
Posted by SandyWeb on May 20, 2004, at 22:27:20
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2004, at 4:57:53
.....THE day. But it didn't happen, as you can see.
I had settled on the 20th about three weeks ago, after the OD episode in the hospital. Child Tax comes on the 20th of each month, which is a government allowance for people with children. I knew the bills could be paid, and as luck would have it, Welfare was getting reinstated soon too.
At first is was just a general plan, but as time passed it became much more concrete. I knew where I was going, what I was doing. I was going out with a bang! I was actually going to town partying, maybe even find me a little sex (lol!), and then I had a place and a way.
And even though I could stop going back and forth in my mind (since a decision was already made), it still was an odd three weeks.
Then, a couple of days ago, my thinking changed. Pretty much overnight. I really don't know why, but I didn't feel any type of satisfaction with my decision anymore. It just wasn't going to happen. And I almost felt like I wanted to grieve the end of the plan. The plan was what helped me make it through the past weeks. Now, again, I was rather left in limbo-land. But I knew that "the plan" wasn't part of my plan anymore. *smile*
It's interesting how close one can come to actually doing something that may not feel right by the next day. If my date had been for the 18th, would I be dead now because my thinking process hadn't changed by then? I don't see what really would have stopped me. I was actually looking forward to going out of this world partying. Gosh, wonder if I even still know how to party at 39?? Lol.
So, today has been a little bitter sweet. My anchor pulled up and left me stranded planless again. *wink* Whatever shall I do?
I put out four emails to local organizations that I am interested in volunteering my time with. I still have not heard one response back. That's rather disheartening.
I went on the University's website tonight and saw the list of students graduating next week. A bunch of them I know from the first year of nursing, when I wasn't in the program yet but the Nursing Department actually let me take a couple courses. (The following year I was admitted into the Advanced Standing option...taking the first 2 years in 1 year...and then the final 2 years in 2 years). So...I would have been graduating with these people if I hadn't taken the 2 Leave of Absences. I knew a lot of the people. It hurt to see some of their names listed and Bachelor of Science Nursing beside it. It really hurt. What happened to me?
Oh, and that stand-off is still going on here. A husband, wife, elderly mum, and a 5-month old girl. Over 48-hours now. I guess my guys are probably in the thick of it. I hope everyone is doing okay over there.
Sorry I've been quiet today. It was so odd not to actually be putting into place this plan that was already engrained in my mind as seeming to already have taken place. You know? I mean, it was just such a fixture of my thought for the past 3 weeks. And then...a couple days before...my brain decides to play tricks with me and bail out! Lol. It rather left me with an empty shell. What to do now??
Tell me.....the ones who have been through suicidal episodes.....how long before you finally could say that you were doing okay? How long before you felt safe with yourself? I've never been suicidal in my life, and it just seems like it hangs on with such tenacity once it claims you.
Time for bed. Take care all!
Sandra
Posted by partlycloudy on May 21, 2004, at 8:09:44
In reply to Today was........, posted by SandyWeb on May 20, 2004, at 22:27:20
Sandy, I am grateful that circumstances change, intentions change direction, things slip our minds at the best time... and most grateful that you are with us.
I have not been suicidal. Just looked longingly at cemeteries and craved the peace there.
Posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 9:48:24
In reply to Re: Today was........ » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on May 21, 2004, at 8:09:44
Hi pc,
Thanks for writing back. Believe me, I don't mind that you've never been suicidal. *smile*
My library books will be delivered this afternoon. I'll let you know when they arrive. I won't start reading "our" book until you get your copy. Does anyone else want to join in with us? We're going to be reading a book together: "The Light of Day".
I apologize for not getting back to everyone. I know that I need to respond to Simus, lonelygirl, jlynne, LynneDa...and probably others, but I just can't think right now....and I want to thank you all for your continued acceptance of me. I know that I tend to be up and down and all over, and you never know which Sandra you'll be dealing with from day to day. Lol. I never know which Sandra is going to open her eyes in the morning, either! Ha. You guys have such patience with me. Thank you SO much. I can't say that I could do the same for another. It's pretty darn tiring. Thank you.
Awful thing is....I would have disappeared yesterday, and without saying anything to you. I had no intention of saying "good-bye". I was just going to vanish from Psycho-Babble, and you probably would have thought that I just went my own way. Would that have been wrong of me? I'm not sure how I feel about that. I would like to say "good-bye" simply because you have given so much of yourselves over this little rocky road of mine, but on the other hand, I wouldn't want to burden you with my decision and action. I'm not sure...I'm pulled both ways. Regardless, I wasn't going to say anything. Not knowing is probably better.
Okay, so....dishes to wash, laundry to get organized, and I want to watch the news in 10 more minutes.
Take care!
Sandra
Posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 9:51:46
In reply to Re: Today was........ » partlycloudy, posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 9:48:24
Did it again! Sorry guys!
The book that partlycloudy and I will be reading is:
I forgot to link it to the correct book when I sent my message.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 11:54:42
In reply to Re: Today was........ » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on May 21, 2004, at 8:09:44
Hi again pc,
The library just delivered my order, and I've taken a real quick peek at "our" book. It's not a big book, so it shouldn't take very long to read. However, if I'm too slow for you (lol!), please read on ahead of me. I've never read this author before, so I'm hoping that he writes well. We'll find out together!
I'm still having a bit of a difficult day today. It almost feels like I failed myself AGAIN by not completing the plan yesterday. It seems that I set plans for myself (travel through Europe as a young adult, hike through the Swiss mountains as a young adult, build a career while with hubby, having a stable family life with hubby and kids, make the marriage work, complete University, enter in a nursing career, provide for my kids, etc), and then I constantly fail myself. I just never pull them off. I have a "loser" switch that gets turned on, and I don't have the fortitude to go on and thus turn into a "victim". And I hate that about myself. And by not following through with yesterday's plan, I feel like I've landed in the exact same predictament that I always MAKE for myself....that of feeling like a failure. And I just want to see success so badly....to strive for something and actually WIN for once. But I just don't seem to have the strength of character to achieve a goal. And now by not completing the "plan" yesterday, I feel as low as I ever have. It just reflects my inadequacies so starkly to me. Just stupid Sandra, trying to be something she's not...again.
Sorry for getting off topic there. I guess I should expect to feel this way today. Doesn't mean that I like it, though. *smile*
Well, I'm off to the grocery store. I have to pick up food and supplies for us. The cupboards are almost bare! And I think I'll also pick up a bottle for tonight. I received some movies from the library as well, so I'll get buzzed and comfy in my chair. Makes for a nice escape.
Let me know when you get your copy of the book.
Sandra
Posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 18:05:46
In reply to Re: Today was........ » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on May 21, 2004, at 8:09:44
You know what is hard for me?
The more years that go by, the more I see examples (over and over again) of how I don't manage to succeed in what I set out to accomplish. It's getting more difficult to trick myself into thinking that I'm NOT that person.....because I have too much of a history of it now. I fail and I fail and I fail. And the longer I stick around, the more I'll still see it.
By finishing University, it would have accomplished so much....I began and completed school, I entered into my chosen profession, and I was able to get us off Welfare and provide for us myself. Wow!! So many successes in just one event!! And those three momentous successes would have wiped out all the countless other failures up to that point simply because I would have proven to myself that I *AM* worthwhile. But I'm still just the ineffective little speck of dust.
If I had one wish, I would wish to go back in time. Ha! Like that is going to happen. But I would change a few things. I would still marry Michael and go through all that crap. I'd still wait to leave until after Carly was born. All of those events gave me life experience....allowed me to have a better appreciation and understanding in order to relate to others in similar situations. I wouldn't change that. I certainly am not looking for a sheltered life. But after the kids and I left, I would have begun school sooner and I would have strengthened myself up in order to maintain that long stretch of University! I would have had confidence in myself. I would have really pushed myself. I would have succeeded.
Of course, there's no going back in time. Not going to happen. I am stuck where I am. I am stuck with who I am. And obviously, as history reveals to me, I'm not going to change. I may be a good person and really want to help others and to have a purposeful use in this life....but it doesn't change what is.
I really would like to go blank. To just stop functioning for a time. To just cease being. To have it go black. To not have any knowledge of conscious or subconscious. To just disappear for a bit.
And again, we know that people don't just go blank. But wouldn't it be nice? Just for awhile?
Such an uplifting mood I'm in today, huh? Ah well, such is life. *smile*
No plans, no dates.....no need to worry. Just mopey.
Sandra
Posted by mystic on May 21, 2004, at 19:52:50
In reply to Ramblin' Along, posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 18:05:46
Wow sandy a night of reflection..but one thing you did say is there are some things that you wouldnt change actually quite a few things you wouldnt change..your marriage..children...well life is one big cycle and god no one said it was going to be easy I think that we all think it is going to be easy...
You know that you were put here for a reason and that we all have our crosses to bare..some people deal with molestation..abuse..verbal/physical abuse..cancer.. suffereing..murder..poverty.. living in war zones..we all have something there arent many people that are happy and sometimes when I feel my worst I try to remember this..I try to remember the really really bad things that happen in this world and then I try to fight harder..and Sandy I know how hard it is...I was molested as a child very young child...I was in an abusive marriage...I raised my daughter alone after with the threat of her being kidnapped by my ex all the time..and I have dealt and unfortunately dealing with once again with these demons that try to make me think that it is never going to get better...It is always easier to help someone else and so hard to think that we are important enough for our full energy...
Sandy love yourself try to find some way to love yourself..because from what I see you are a caring wonderful person just going through some really really hard times but you can get through I know that you can ..you can be strong..You have us you have jlynne that wonderful angel that stands by you alll the time..You have lynne the other angel you are so fortuneate to find these angels and I do believe that you have been brought special angels you truely have...You will find your way there is no way you cant with all the help that you have!!!!!!!!!..Please love yourself and find the way...Your children depend on it and they deserve it and you deserve it!!! you are loveable you truely are!!!!!!!!
Take care Sandy and wishing and praying for goodness and direction for you..Luvya Mystic
Posted by Simus on May 21, 2004, at 21:47:16
In reply to Today was........, posted by SandyWeb on May 20, 2004, at 22:27:20
> Then, a couple of days ago, my thinking changed. Pretty much overnight. I really don't know why, but I didn't feel any type of satisfaction with my decision anymore. It just wasn't going to happen.
=)
> What to do now??
Get grounded in a good Bible-believing, Spirit-filled church and let the Lord continue to heal you and lead you out of this and into His good plan for your life.
> Tell me.....the ones who have been through suicidal episodes.....how long before you finally could say that you were doing okay? How long before you felt safe with yourself?It is something that may try to come back on you again if you don't fight against it or have someone else fighting against it for you.
> I've never been suicidal in my life, and it just seems like it hangs on with such tenacity once it claims you.
Yes, death almost had you. It tried to get your life, but failed. Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.
God bless.
Posted by Simus on May 21, 2004, at 23:15:43
In reply to Ramblin' Along, posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 18:05:46
> You know what is hard for me?
>
> The more years that go by, the more I see examples (over and over again) of how I don't manage to succeed in what I set out to accomplish. It's getting more difficult to trick myself into thinking that I'm NOT that person.....because I have too much of a history of it now. I fail and I fail and I fail. And the longer I stick around, the more I'll still see it.
>
It's a hard thing for all of us to deal with. Believe me, you aren't the only one who has failed at something. History is full of great people who have failed, and sometimes failed BIG, but still recovered. And you and I can recover too.First of all, my favorite Bible passages on how to handle failure:
This is how Paul handled it: Phil 3:13 "but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead"
This is how God commanded us to look at our past failures: Isaiah 43:18-19 "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
And in more modern times, I love the stories about Thomas Edison:
"Often ridiculed, Edison tried over ten thousand different experiments before he finally demonstrated the first incandescent light bulb on October 21, 1879. Who could ever imagine where we might be today if Thomas Edison had not persevered after ten thousand failures? It’s OK to fail. From every failure comes the seed of an even greater possible success. Without failure, we can never grow to our full potential."
"Many of life's failures are experienced by people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." Thomas Edison"Results? Why, man, I have gotten lots of results! If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is often a step forward..." Thomas Edison
Someday you will be past all of this, and looking back there won't be one thing you would change, because the sum of your experiences is what makes you valuable to others. Someday, there will be a person who needs someone that understands, and you will be able to help because you have been through it.
God bless.
P.S. Call that church! =)
Posted by SandyWeb on May 22, 2004, at 9:44:23
In reply to Re: Today was........ » SandyWeb, posted by Simus on May 21, 2004, at 21:47:16
Hi Simus,
I was touched by your messages. You're a good girl, Simus. Thank you for thinking of me.
In regards to God:
I am His child and I would not deny Him. However, at some point in this process, I stopped communicating with Him. There really isn't a need to. He understands me. He knows.
I think I stopped talking with Him because I always seemed to be getting His messages wrong. I would think that maybe this was why an event happened, I would think that I was being guided through situations so that I could LEARN, I would think that it all was heading me towards a greater purpose. And I finally had enough of getting confused. And I stopped trying to figure out what God was telling me. It just adds more confusion to the situation if I talk with God. It turns out that I'm not hearing HIM.... but only MYSELF. All the Bible verses I would hold onto in regards to God only wanting the best for me just don't cut it anymore. I know He loves me and has plans for me....but I just keep getting confused when I talk with Him. So I've distanced myself from Him.
He knows I love Him. He knows who I am. He knows I haven't turned my back on Him or left Him. I just needed to stop the confusion.
You know, we live in a fallen world....and with that, we have to accept that things will be "broken". A "broken" kidney can result in kidney failure, a "broken" pancreas can result in insulin difficulties, a "broken" MIND can result in suicide. I believe that He does not hold suicide against a person. Just as a "broken" heart can eventually lead to heart failure, so a "broken" mind can eventually lead to suicide. It's not working right, and it's of no fault of the person. It's just the way of the world. And even though it's a CHOICE to die....the choice is made through a "broken" mind....and God would not deny that. You may not get as many awards in Heaven, but He will not deny that you are His child. No one can take that heritage away from me, and He will not refuse to admit the relationship. He loves me. And I'm "broken". It's not a perfect world.
One day I'll have a good heart-to-heart with Him....when my mind is no longer "broken". Oh, it will be so wonderful to feel whole.
Thanks for the church information. But I just want to distance myself. It's easier to just close my focus down to certain things. God understands. He knows.
Take care, Simus. You've been wonderful to me! Thanks for directing me towards this Board. It's been good to have a place to throw out thoughts as they emerged. I may not have appreciated all the interventions forced upon me (LOL!!), but it still was a place that I could unburden myself upon as needed. THANK YOU for being with me!!
God bless,
Sandra
Posted by SandyWeb on May 22, 2004, at 10:07:27
In reply to RE::: Sandy, posted by mystic on May 21, 2004, at 19:52:50
Hi mystic,
I'm sorry that you have experienced, and still are in the throes, of some difficult situations. It's good not to lead a sheltered life, but sometimes it gets rather unbearable, huh? You're a strong lady! (((Mystic)))
Yes, I have had wonderful angels helping me through this process. Jlynne and LynneDa have been unbelieveable!! I have no idea why they focused their energies on me, especially when you can find countless other people on Babble who could benefit from their support. But I'm really grateful they have been here for me. It is MY choice as to who I will open up to, and I think that I probably trusted them the most.
And then there are the cops. Who'd a thunk?? Lol. Those two particular cops. I think my guard dropped a little with those two simply because of the way they treated me as an equal...like a FRIEND...during the time we spent at the hospital. I mean, they got personal with me....told me about their families, interests, childhood....which is not what really is expected from a "Professional" relationship. I felt like they accepted me...and I was so impressed with their seeming friendship with each other. And then they kept in touch with me! How incredible is that? They are good guys. They have wonderful souls. I was blessed to have them respond to the call. The thought of them sometimes is all that kept me from going over the edge from time to time.
And then we have Dr. Bob. Lol! What to say about THAT man?? Hee hee. Sometimes I was upset with him, sometimes I was secretly relieved by his actions, sometimes I was confused by him. He made me cry, he made me smile, he made me PARANOID! LOL!!! He put me through a rigorous course. But...all in all...he has a good heart and a precious soul. I think he honestly has an interest in others. I think he is as he allows us to see him. I don't think he's a phoney. He's certainly not the perfect man (Darn! Ha!) and he makes some error in judgments, but I believe that he does not do anything for an ego boost or for a power trip. I think he's genuine. And I appreciate the time and energy he has taken to look over my shoulder from time to time. Then again, like I said before, it is ME who decides who I want to open up to...and all the interventions in the world will not be helpful if I do not want to talk with someone. I think the time for talking has ended anyways. I don't think there is anyone that I'd open up to now and TRY to reveal what is happening inside of me. It's my own little world, my own little pain....and you just can't know. And maybe I don't want you to know.
Let's see...there are so many people that stood by me. You and Simus, for instance. And Lonelygirl, op (from Open), partlycloudy...oh, and I'm sure that I'm missing other important people. But every one of you has provided me with your strength when I didn't have any of my own. And sometimes that was all that I needed.
In other news (lol!), the standoff ended last night after 67 hours! The grandmother died. But the mum, dad, and baby are fine. Of course, they will never be seeing that baby again...and that is the saddest thing. The cops are having a difficult time about the grandmother. It's a hard time for them.
Gotta scat.
Hugs,
Sandra
Posted by mystic on May 22, 2004, at 13:30:24
In reply to Re: Today was........ » Simus, posted by SandyWeb on May 22, 2004, at 9:44:23
Sandy hope your day is better today!!!!...Hey how did the grandmother die...Who was the person in the standoff...That is soooo sad...Take care..Mystic
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