![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 253 to 277 of 545. Go back in thread:
Posted by LynneDa on April 29, 2004, at 12:36:32
In reply to Nothing Changes, posted by SandyWeb on April 29, 2004, at 12:25:45
> Oh God, Sandy, please don't do this. Please call me at 1-800-222-8215 x9507 and we can talk, okay????? I'm good at this, I've talked my ex-husband down from the ledge many a time over the years!
You are sick, your brain is not working right and it is not your fault sweetie! You are not in any shape to make a decision like this. It is not the only alternative. Please have the strength to go to a shelter, a church, a food pantry - somewhere where they can get you the help you need.
What bad decisions did you make? To try and better yourself thru school? Why did you fail? Only because you have a mental disease that prohibits you from working up to your potential.
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hey all,
>
> You know I wouldn't normally post this message after all the consequences from my busy little fingers, but it doesn't really matter this time.
>
> Yesterday was horrible. I found out in the morning that our money was cut off already. I thought I had until the end of May. I need almost $1000 for rent by tomorrow, I haven't paid the bills, and our groceries are low. Carly's shoes have a hole in them and her feet get wet, and she needs a spring jacket. Ben is a none-stop eating machine. And my tooth hurts, and I can't do anything about it.
>
> You know, I felt so bad about how that BAD cop treated me. But you know what? He wasn't fooled by me. Andrew, Rob, and the lady cop all were fooled....they thought I was a nice person. But I guess the BAD cop saw through the little facade and realized what hubby always knew....that I'm not going to amount to anything. That I can pretend to myself and others as long and hard as I want.....but it doesn't change a thing. I'm just taking up space, and I don't deserve to be treated nicely. I guess that BAD cop shouldn't have bothered me so much....he understood the person standing before him better than the others did.
>
> I waited all day yesterday to take my walk. I wanted it to be dark. So I waited and waited and waited. I wanted the kids in bed, I wanted the sun to be down, I wanted to be alone. And then when night came, I was worn out from all the waiting. Loser, huh? Went to bed at 11pm....but did get up at 1am and took a walk until 2:30am. I never saw so many taxis in my life!!!
>
> So another day. It doesn't matter that the sun is up. I'm going to leave now. It's just pointless. I have no friends, I have no money, I have no education, I have no future. I can't provide for the kids, I can't help them get into University, I can't even tell them that my education is over. Carly keeps calling me a nurse, and Ben keeps telling me that I'm going to fail if I don't go to classes.....but they don't know that classes are over for me. And not only that....but there will NEVER be any more classes of any sort for me. I have my high school education. That's it. Half way through my life, and that's all I've got. And there's no more. Every chance I had, I blew.
>
> I am where I am today based on CHOICES. Obviously, I made bad choices. But that's because I'm such a fool. I'm not smart, I'm not intelligent, I'm not a deep thinker (how could the lady cop even have thought that about me???...my brain is blank), and I'm selfish and lazy. And I'm just pulling the kids down with me.
>
> So, I'm leaving now. It really doesn't matter if anyone calls the police. They won't find me. You'll just be using up emergency services for someone that certainly is not worth it! Let them respond to the calls that really need attending to. Because they would just waste a lot of time trying to find me. It doesn't matter.
>
> Thanks for everything. But you can't change who a person is. I appreciated the support....and you did nothing wrong.....but it just wasn't meant to be. Don't let it bother you. And I'm so glad that the boys are off duty for the next 4 days. They won't know until they come back, and therefore they won't feel obligated to try and find me. They don't need to be dragged down into this. I thought they were very nice.
>
> "And they'll be singing:
> Bye bye Miss American Pie
> Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry,
> Them good ole boys are drinking whiskey and rye
> Singing, "This will be the day that I die,
> This will be the day that I die."
>
> How's that for melodrama? *smile*
>
> God bless,
>
> Sandra
>
>
Posted by LynneDa on April 29, 2004, at 12:54:02
In reply to Nothing Changes, posted by SandyWeb on April 29, 2004, at 12:25:45
Sandy -
Here's some numbers for you (all 902 area codes)429-8167 = Mobile Crisis Intervention
421-1188 = help linePlease call one of them sweetie, or call me, okay???
~ Lynne
Hey all,
>
> You know I wouldn't normally post this message after all the consequences from my busy little fingers, but it doesn't really matter this time.
>
> Yesterday was horrible. I found out in the morning that our money was cut off already. I thought I had until the end of May. I need almost $1000 for rent by tomorrow, I haven't paid the bills, and our groceries are low. Carly's shoes have a hole in them and her feet get wet, and she needs a spring jacket. Ben is a none-stop eating machine. And my tooth hurts, and I can't do anything about it.
>
> You know, I felt so bad about how that BAD cop treated me. But you know what? He wasn't fooled by me. Andrew, Rob, and the lady cop all were fooled....they thought I was a nice person. But I guess the BAD cop saw through the little facade and realized what hubby always knew....that I'm not going to amount to anything. That I can pretend to myself and others as long and hard as I want.....but it doesn't change a thing. I'm just taking up space, and I don't deserve to be treated nicely. I guess that BAD cop shouldn't have bothered me so much....he understood the person standing before him better than the others did.
>
> I waited all day yesterday to take my walk. I wanted it to be dark. So I waited and waited and waited. I wanted the kids in bed, I wanted the sun to be down, I wanted to be alone. And then when night came, I was worn out from all the waiting. Loser, huh? Went to bed at 11pm....but did get up at 1am and took a walk until 2:30am. I never saw so many taxis in my life!!!
>
> So another day. It doesn't matter that the sun is up. I'm going to leave now. It's just pointless. I have no friends, I have no money, I have no education, I have no future. I can't provide for the kids, I can't help them get into University, I can't even tell them that my education is over. Carly keeps calling me a nurse, and Ben keeps telling me that I'm going to fail if I don't go to classes.....but they don't know that classes are over for me. And not only that....but there will NEVER be any more classes of any sort for me. I have my high school education. That's it. Half way through my life, and that's all I've got. And there's no more. Every chance I had, I blew.
>
> I am where I am today based on CHOICES. Obviously, I made bad choices. But that's because I'm such a fool. I'm not smart, I'm not intelligent, I'm not a deep thinker (how could the lady cop even have thought that about me???...my brain is blank), and I'm selfish and lazy. And I'm just pulling the kids down with me.
>
> So, I'm leaving now. It really doesn't matter if anyone calls the police. They won't find me. You'll just be using up emergency services for someone that certainly is not worth it! Let them respond to the calls that really need attending to. Because they would just waste a lot of time trying to find me. It doesn't matter.
>
> Thanks for everything. But you can't change who a person is. I appreciated the support....and you did nothing wrong.....but it just wasn't meant to be. Don't let it bother you. And I'm so glad that the boys are off duty for the next 4 days. They won't know until they come back, and therefore they won't feel obligated to try and find me. They don't need to be dragged down into this. I thought they were very nice.
>
> "And they'll be singing:
> Bye bye Miss American Pie
> Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry,
> Them good ole boys are drinking whiskey and rye
> Singing, "This will be the day that I die,
> This will be the day that I die."
>
> How's that for melodrama? *smile*
>
> God bless,
>
> Sandra
>
>
Posted by jlynne on April 29, 2004, at 12:56:02
In reply to Nothing Changes, posted by SandyWeb on April 29, 2004, at 12:25:45
Sandy, I am so sorry if I offended you with the word "melodrama". I honestly didn't mean to infer that I thought you were being melodramatic when I said it . . . I only thought that you might be thinking that about yourself at the time.
Please, keep posting. You don't really want to die, sweetie. You are reaching out for help; I can hear you. There will be a way.
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes)))) ((((hope))))
...jlynne
Posted by EmmyS on April 29, 2004, at 13:11:03
In reply to Nothing Changes, posted by SandyWeb on April 29, 2004, at 12:25:45
Sandy - All that really matters is your kids. Please don't let them grow up without their mommy. They love you and need you to be in their lives always. They don't care if you have a big salary, or they have snazzy shoes - they want their mommy to hug them on their sad days and tickle them on their good days.
Stick around to watch them grow up. That's all they really want. They need to know you love them sooooooo much, you will think only of them today. And I guarantee you - they need you alive. Your depression can be treated. Their grief cannot.
Emmy -- Daughter of Gwen (missing you every day)
Posted by Dr. Bob on April 29, 2004, at 13:19:13
In reply to Nothing Changes, posted by SandyWeb on April 29, 2004, at 12:25:45
> It really doesn't matter if anyone calls the police.
Well, I think I need to try that, at least...
Bob
Posted by LynneDa on April 29, 2004, at 13:21:14
In reply to Re: Things Take Time To Change, posted by Dr. Bob on April 29, 2004, at 13:19:13
Please do Dr. Bob, she sounded serious again. Did you see my note about the mobile crisis unit in Halifax? I'm not sure if that's where she is, just guessing. They work from 3pm - 1am. Maybe that would be an alternative? 902/ 429-8167.
THANK YOU!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
It really doesn't matter if anyone calls the police.
>
> Well, I think I need to try that, at least...
>
> Bob
Posted by EmmyS on April 29, 2004, at 13:23:41
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 29, 2004, at 12:56:02
Jlynne - Don't for a second beat yourself about that word. You've been an absolute rock for Sandy! You are a wonderful supportive friend to her and she has expressed that many, many times here.
You take care sweetie. We're just going to think positive thoughts until Sandy posts again. OK?
Emmy
Posted by LynneDa on April 29, 2004, at 13:29:47
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by EmmyS on April 29, 2004, at 13:23:41
Emmy's right! You've given phenomenal support from someone who's been where she is. I just wish we knew where she was right now. If she could just get to someone not affiliated with a hospital or the police who could talk to her instead of locking her up, and help her get to a food pantry, fill out her welfare forms, etc. Maybe the system is different in Canada.
I'll be on pins and needles til we hear from her again. I'm saying prayers! Jlynne - I'm glad you slept so well. I know what a tremendous accomplishment that is :-)
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Jlynne - Don't for a second beat yourself about that word. You've been an absolute rock for Sandy! You are a wonderful supportive friend to her and she has expressed that many, many times here.
>
> You take care sweetie. We're just going to think positive thoughts until Sandy posts again. OK?
>
> Emmy
Posted by LynneDa on April 29, 2004, at 15:57:50
In reply to Still Here, posted by SandyWeb on April 28, 2004, at 20:42:32
Please let us know you're okay!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Not happy at all, but in my jamies and still in the land of the living. *smile*
>
> And why the heck do I stay on this board? I get in trouble on this board. So why do I keep coming back? Just a sucker for punishment, I guess.
>
> It's almost 11pm now. I'm going to bed. Today has been a bunch of crap, and I'm ready to shut down.
>
> Nighty night.
>
> Sandra
>
Posted by lonelygirl on April 29, 2004, at 17:45:52
In reply to Nothing Changes, posted by SandyWeb on April 29, 2004, at 12:25:45
Hi Sandy,
I apologize if I’m out of place in posting here, but I have been following this thread and I wanted to say a couple of things.
With regards to your troubles in coming up with rent money, having enough food and clothes for your kids, have you contacted anyone for help? As far as I know, you live in Canada, so I’m not sure how it is there, but here in the US, there are a lot of organizations that can help with those things. St. Vincent de Paul is a good organization; they provide food and sometimes can help with things like rent money and clothes.
Just another thought: I know that it is hard to deal with things alone. I’m sure it will sound silly for me to compare my situation with yours, but I am having a lot of problems in school this semester. There is just so much to deal with, and I don’t have any friends, and it feels so overwhelming. The one thing that has helped me a little bit is that I started seeing a psychologist at my school (I was actually forced to go, as punishment for getting in trouble at school). The weird thing is, when I am talking to him, he is just so calm and rational, and takes things one by one, and it doesn’t seem quite as overwhelming. I think you need something like this, and not necessarily a therapist. Someone who can help you deal with your problems one by one.
I think one of the biggest problems is that the people who want to help you the most aren’t always able to give you what you need. I know you realize that jlynne and LynnDa, for example, really care about you and desperately want to help you, but unfortunately, they are far away from you right now, and they don’t have enough information from you to help you deal with specific problems. Your police friends also seem to care about you, but they are limited in their training and the actions they can take related to their jobs. I was wondering if you might consider asking your police friends if they know of resources in your area where you could go for help. I’ll bet you would be surprised at how many people and organizations are out there wanting to help others, but they don’t know that YOU (Sandy) need help right now, so if they are going to help you, they have to find out what you need first. I know it is hard to do this! I would not have gone to the psychologist myself if I had not been forced to. But that is the only way to get help. You seem to be at least a little comfortable with Andrew and Rob, so maybe you could ask them if they have any suggestions on where to go for help? I know you have a strained relationship with your sister, but would you consider asking if she could help you find assistance?
Your children sound really sweet, by the way, and it sounds like they really love you. I am in college right now, and it is unbelievable how much financial aid is available, in terms of scholarships and student loans. There are a lot of people at my school whose families don’t have the money to send them to college (including people whose parents aren’t college-educated), but they are managing. When a university decides it wants a particular student at the school, the people at the school will work with the student to pull together the financial resources to attend. I assume there are college guidance counselors at the high school who help the kids with picking schools and getting in. So, please don’t think that your current troubles are going to prevent your kids from going to college.
Sandy, I hope you get the help you need… You won’t know, until you try, how many people are willing and eager to help you.
Posted by mystic on April 29, 2004, at 19:53:34
In reply to Sandy, please post! » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on April 29, 2004, at 15:57:50
Jlynne dont you dare feel guilty about anything you have done nothing but help and support and let me tell you girlfriend you have helped me 100000000 percent...We love you and we all want sandy to be ok and hope that she is...We will hear something soon...Jlynne you take care of yourself and you have given 2000000 percent so please dont feel bad...Lynne you are right there also you are great...miss you on the other boards but you help everyone so much also...take care my friends I appreciate you sooo much...Mystic
Posted by SandyWeb on April 30, 2004, at 16:34:02
In reply to Re: Things Take Time To Change, posted by Dr. Bob on April 29, 2004, at 13:19:13
> > It really doesn't matter if anyone calls the police.
>
> Well, I think I need to try that, at least...
>
> BobThe police found me at 4:30am. I did a lot of walking and a lot of popping.
Went to the hospital, and just got out at 5pm! I spent all that time hooked up to a monitor, and they put a port in my arm. They want me to drink charcoal, but I refused. They also wanted to stick a tube down my nose and fill up my tummy with 2 litres of enema icky stuff. Refused that too.
The police had been to my place a few times during the night, checking to see if I had come home yet. When they got me at 4:30am, they had to cancel a "missing persons" report. They even had my picture!
Weird 24 hours. Those pills really did a number on me. That's why they hooked me up to a monitor all day....because they were scared that I might get "ill" very quickly.
Still....no meds, no pdoc, no therapist. I had a consult, and they sent me home again. Both the police and my nurse were surprised that I wasn't admitted. Maybe next time. Ha!!
Going to bed early tonight. Talk about being tired!!!!!
Sandy
Posted by LynneDa on April 30, 2004, at 16:46:57
In reply to Re: Things Take Time To Change » Dr. Bob, posted by SandyWeb on April 30, 2004, at 16:34:02
Sandy honey I am so glad you are alive. I can't believe they didn't admit you either. What's up with that????
I know you must be exhausted, physically & emotionally. Please take good care of yourself and "talk" to us when you can. I'm so glad you didn't die.
You know you can call me any time you need to. It is okay. I know it makes it more real to talk to one of us on the phone, but we know you & yet we don't, we're still sort of anonymous. What else are we on this planet for than to help each other? We don't even have to talk about you. I've had a yuck week (not as bad as you've been feeling of course!), but you can just listen to me vent if you want :-)
I'm sending you lots of hugs, love & peace Sandy. Please let us help you, YOU DESERVE TO BE HELPED. I cannot emphasize that enough. You deserve to get well. No one can get through this life on their own, humans just aren't made that way. The failings you keep banging yourself on the head for are not caused by the REAL you.
Have a restful weekend sweetie.
~ Lynne
Posted by jlynne on April 30, 2004, at 22:40:54
In reply to Re: Things Take Time To Change » Dr. Bob, posted by SandyWeb on April 30, 2004, at 16:34:02
Sandy, I am still here. You're going to be okay, sweetie . . . just hang on a little longer, and it will get better again soon.
Thank you for posting and letting us know that you are home.
You rest now, and post if/when you feel like it. No pressure.
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes)))) ((((rest))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 1, 2004, at 9:03:32
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 30, 2004, at 22:40:54
I've read all the messages. I find it so odd that all that posting was going on when I was out doing my thing. It didn't even dawn on me that you all would be doing that. It's nice to know that I'm being supported.
It's 10:30am, and I'm finally getting up. I'm still tired, though. Lol. I hadn't slept in about 35 hours, so I was t-i-r-e-d. I only was able to catch light little naps in the ER, and then be startled by the cops or doctors or nurses checking on me. Ugh. I had 5 different cops looking out for me at the hospital. Can you believe it?? It was a LONG day.
I can't really believe that everything happened.....even when it was actually happening. It feels like it was a dream. Even when I was trying to get out of the woods (and it was so dark that I couldn't see where the heck I was going), it just didn't seem like it was all really happening. The only reason I left the woods was because I got so COLD....and for some reason I wanted to get nearer home. But what a trip. I was seeing people and animals and cars....where there weren't any! It was like I was on acid or something! And I was almost walking into traffic because everytime a car drove past me, I got off-balance and wanted to fall. But I had that purpose to get around the Arm of the harbor and get back into familiar territory. Then I went to a Park.
The cops got me at 4:30 in the morning. I kept trying to fall alseep on them, but they kept talking to me....so I had to be polite and answer. Lol. And then, of course, I was in the hospital until supperime. I have so many needle holes in my arms!!! They kept poking me with things. Ouch! The pills I took were "Long Acting", so they were concerned that a bunch of med would be released at some point and I'd go downhill quickly. But my heart took it fine. They never had to use the port that they'd put in my arm.
I feel so odd. Did I just watch a movie? I know it all happened to me, but it seems like it was a lifetime ago.....not just yesterday!!! I don't know what to make of it all.
When I had the psych consult, they basically just gave me two phone numbers to use if I needed them (I already had those numbers). That it comes down to me making my own choices, and they can't really stop me from doing that. Good luck and bye bye. My nurse didn't believe me when I said that I would be going home once I was cleared by the medical people for the OD, and she went off to find out for herself. When she came back, she had a long talk with me. She wanted me to come into the hospital the next time I felt that way. She acted very sincere. She said that I just had to MAKE myself walk through the doors, no matter what hour it was. She wants me in the hospital BEFORE the next overdose occurs. They would help me get through it. She said that it gave her life purpose if she gets through to only ONE person during her entire career. I was surprised that she talk this way to me, because she had been pretty upset when I refused the lovely charcoal drink she brought me. Lol!
Problem is: I still feel the same. Nothing has changed. I didn't accomplish anything. In fact, the "goal" wasn't even achieved....so I failed even in that. I kept saying that I just needed to get my head around something, of which I didn't want to go into with them because I've talked about myself soooo much this past month....but I still can't figure out how to do that. I just can't find that answer yet. I always figure things outmyself....but this time it's taking a bit longer than I'm used to. I'm having a difficult time with it because I just CAN'T seem to find an answer. But I keep looking.
Dr. Bob, you have to stop saving my life. Ha! I'm not sure if I like that. I guess I'm thankful that I made it past my birthday...it allowed me to get to know the wonderful people on this board a bit better! *smile* But I don't think I'm thankful for yesterday. I'm still in the same place, I still feel the same way.....and it probably should have just been put to rest. Because now I have to continue to go through these mind-games. I don't like them.
No, I'm not about ready to leave and attempt again. I'm still too tired for that. And I have to take care of a few things....like getting the Welfare reinstated, for one thing. I hate the thought of having to deal with the landlord (nice lady that she is) when they find out that my rent cheque will be bouncing. I won't be evicted because we are very good tenants, but still....it's humiliating, especially when she knows that we are on Welfare. *sigh* And again....how many times did I have to tell people yesterday that I was on Welfare?? Why do people always have to ask about job/finances??? I don't need to be reminded over and over again that I don't do anything....that I'm not even a student anymore!!
I'm sorry I sent that "good bye" note to you guys. I thought I owed it to you because of the time and interest that you've invested in me. As soon as I hit the ENTER key, I was out the door. It truly was a good-bye because I wasn't about to wait around for replies! I had my shoes on, and it was the very last thing I did before taking off. Maybe I shouldn't have sent it. I don't know. Maybe I WOULD do it again....but still, the cops wouldn't find me, you know? Everyone was so surprised at where I had actually gone....they thought it was too far to walk to. Jeepers! Does everyone rely on their cars too much or what?? It wasn't until I came back within the city that they found me.
Anyways, no.....I'm not ready to do that again anytime soon. I don't even know if that would be something I'd consider doing again. I'm just rather in limbo right now. Maybe I'd phone that Mobile Crisis Line. Maybe I'd go over to the hospital. I just don't know. But right now I'm semi-safe because I need to take care of the Welfare paperwork and work out some sort of arrangement for the late rent. I don't think I could just leave that up in the air.
Dishes to wash and garbage to take out. Fun day ahead of me. Lol!
Talk to you all later.
Sandy
Posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2004, at 10:35:13
In reply to I'm Finally Up, posted by SandyWeb on May 1, 2004, at 9:03:32
Posted by tabitha on May 1, 2004, at 11:00:14
In reply to I'm Finally Up, posted by SandyWeb on May 1, 2004, at 9:03:32
Wow Sandy, that's quite an ordeal. You're a really good writer. Your story brought up my memories of my one and only attempt, in college. I got the lovely charcoal, and the tube up the nose, the whole traumatic ER deal. I don't really remember them asking my permission for any of it. I stayed overnight at the hospital then was dumped out on the street. I didn't even get a psych consult. I just talked to a nurse and a volunteer and very briefly to a doctor, who just insisted I let them contact my parents. As if my parents would fix it-- ha! I was 21 or 22. I remember how alienating it was getting out. I went out the wrong door of the hospital and ended up on a loading dock, then walked across town alone in the early morning. I had some aftermath to worry about. During my wild night, I had not only swallowed lots of pills and alcohol, but had broken into a house of a boy I was brokenhearted over and did a little vandalizing. Thank goodness he and his roommates didn't press charges.
I had a referral to a counselor but I was so embarrassed I just wanted to pretend it never happened. My story was 'I was just drunk and upset over a boy'. The truth was I had deep depression since my teens, and was barely hanging on. I didn't really get any mental health care for another 5 years or so.
Sandy when I look back at that I'm just sad that I was afraid to get help and struggled along for so many more years. Eventually, with good enough meds, and lots of therapy, things got a lot better. I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say.. just that when I hear your story, I wish I could say something to prod you in the direction of rebuilding your life, and get help integrating the experience you've had. The fact that you're here posting about it tells me you're much further along in helping yourself than I was after my attempt. Death has an allure, but it's false. It isn't the relief of pain, it's nothingness, and heartache for your survivors. I wish you healing.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's healing for me to revisit my own memories.
Posted by SandyWeb on May 1, 2004, at 18:05:37
In reply to Re: I'm Finally Up *trigger* » SandyWeb, posted by tabitha on May 1, 2004, at 11:00:14
Hi Tabitha,
>I got the lovely charcoal, and the tube up the nose, the whole traumatic ER deal. I don't really remember them asking my permission for any of it.>
Well, they don't ask permission. Lol. They pretty much tell you to do it. But as long as you are competent, you can refuse any medical advice.
>I didn't even get a psych consult. I just talked to a nurse and a volunteer and very briefly to a doctor, who just insisted I let them contact my parents. As if my parents would fix it-- ha! I was 21 or 22.>My psych consult consisted of a psych nurse and then a psych resident. I never got to see a pdoc at all. And I'm almost 40 years old, and the cops contacted my parents too!! Can you believe it? It irritated me, and STILL makes me very angry....they even read my "good bye" email to them! I feel like they crossed the line there.
>During my wild night, I had not only swallowed lots of pills and alcohol, but had broken into a house of a boy I was brokenhearted over and did a little vandalizing.>
I am STILL remembering things that happened! I went to a lot more places and did a lot more things than I previously remembered. I was a lot more messed up than I thought! I wonder what things I'll never remember??
>I had a referral to a counselor but I was so embarrassed I just wanted to pretend it never happened. My story was 'I was just drunk and upset over a boy'. The truth was I had deep depression since my teens, and was barely hanging on.>
I don't think that I'm embarrassed. I'm just used to relying on myself....I've learned not to open up too much to people in order to survive. So I'm still trying to rely only on myself, and I'm finding it a really tough struggle this time. But I'm still stuck in the "self-preservation" mindset of not opening to someone. SO I guess I show signs of reaching out for help, but then when help comes.....I won't accept it, and actually run from it. I just feel that if I expose too much of myself, then I've left myself too vulnerable. Kind-of a vicious cycle, huh?
>I didn't really get any mental health care for another 5 years or so.>
I'm so sorry that you had to go through 5 years of living like that. What a tough girl you are! Really, it takes a heck of a lot of strength to survive on your own for that long, huh. I can't imagine. I'm glad you're still with us.
>I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say.. just that when I hear your story, I wish I could say something to prod you in the direction of rebuilding your life, and get help integrating the experience you've had.>
Oh, don't worry about it. It's not your problem. I appreciate the good thoughts! I'm realizing more and more how HARD of a struggle this is going to be. It seems that now that I've come closer to actually finishing it, the urgency is even stronger. Ugh. But I'm still here and I've got things to take care of. I just find it difficult fighting MYSELF, you know? It makes me anxious. BUT....I'm still here. I'm learning from my experiences, and I'm still trying to get through this myself. Thanks. *smile*
>The fact that you're here posting about it tells me you're much further along in helping yourself than I was after my attempt.>
I don't quite understand that statement, but I'll take it as a positive. I think I post because it's a way to get some things out of my system. I don't really know why I do it. But only bits and pieces. Lol. You wouldn't want to know how messed up my brain really is!! Ha!
Thanks for sharing YOUR story. It's good to know that with attempts there are also success storys of survival.
Take care.
Sandy
Posted by tabitha on May 2, 2004, at 0:55:30
In reply to Re: I'm Finally Up *trigger* » tabitha, posted by SandyWeb on May 1, 2004, at 18:05:37
> >The fact that you're here posting about it tells me you're much further along in helping yourself than I was after my attempt.>
>
> I don't quite understand that statement, but I'll take it as a positive.Yeah, it doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? I just meant I wasn't anywhere near being able to talk about what happened or how I felt. I was so desperate to hide my 'bad behavior' and keep up appearances. I did mean it as a positive-- it's good you're talking about things. That takes guts.
Posted by jlynne on May 2, 2004, at 2:24:56
In reply to Re: I'm Finally Up *trigger* » tabitha, posted by SandyWeb on May 1, 2004, at 18:05:37
Sandy, I just sent this song link to mystic on the other thread because she is needing comfort, and I thought you might like it, too. My arms are open wide, and I feel like I am holding you both tonite. I hope you can feel my love as you listen to this lullaby.
http://www.contemplator.com/ireland/irishlul.html
((((HUGS)))) ((((Sandy)))) ((((lullabies)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on May 3, 2004, at 12:46:23
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on May 2, 2004, at 2:24:56
Hey, Sandy . . . hope you are doing okay.
I had a pretty busy weekend, but the routine is settling back in now. I am at work, but taking a break.
I watched a good movie on Friday night - have you seen "Mona Lisa Smile"? I highly recommend it . . .to women, anyway - and any enlighted man:~)
Have a good day, sweetie. You are always in my prayers, and I think of you often.
((((HUGS)))) ((((good days)))) ((((good friends))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on May 3, 2004, at 12:57:41
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on May 3, 2004, at 12:46:23
>> and any enlighted man:~)<<
. . . well, I was going to correct my spelling, but I kind of like it like that . . . I have created a **new word** :~) "enlighted" . . . yeah, I like it:~)
((((hugs, again))))
...jlynne
Posted by LynneDa on May 3, 2004, at 13:18:51
In reply to I'm Finally Up, posted by SandyWeb on May 1, 2004, at 9:03:32
Hi Sandy - Glad you got through the weekend okay. I can't believe all you went through. I am so glad you stumbled your way back out :-) !!!! Isn't it amazing how, in the midst of a terrible personal crisis, thinking about paying the rent and getting your paperwork filled out brought you back. The instinct to take care of our families is pretty darn strong.
Sandy, you really have a good attitude considering what your brain chemicals are trying to do to you :-). You've given so much to your community, your kids, other people, etc., you deserve to get something back. Everyone has their times of need & this is yours. You say you're trying to get your head around your situation and come up with a solution. Can we brainstorm with you? Maybe if you go into babble open some evening, you'd be able to go over some possibilities with jlynne & others? I don't go on-line at home, so I'm only available during the day, but I'd love to run through some possible scenarios with you.
I'm thinking about you & praying that you'll figure something out. I know this is hard, like you said, harder than you thought it would be. I know I still have days where I just feel lucky to get from point A to point B without losing it!
Please keep that Mobile Crisis number handy. Just like the nurse at the hospital said, if they can get through to one person & help them out of their bad spot, it makes their job worth it.
SANDY: YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!! Don't let your depression trick you into thinking otherwise!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by SandyWeb on May 4, 2004, at 22:23:44
In reply to Re: I'm Finally Up » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 3, 2004, at 13:18:51
Hi guys,
Haven;t written in a few days. Just passing one minute at a time.
Listening to Norah Jones now. Like her? Proabably shouldn't listen to music.
I'm finding it extemely hard to fight myself. But I'm still here. Who'd a thunk?? Odd condition in my life. Have fought for so long....knowing that we would get to something better. But now....where's the better? All gone. Bye bye. Poof. Can't seem to see past the debris.
All I see now is what was....all the bad that passed before. Because now tere is no path to the better. And the past is rather overwhelming....when there's nothig to see in front.
Blah blah balh. Just ramblin, night and day.
I was always weak. Let people walk (and trample) all over me. But...there was always that spark of "we can make it to tomorrow..to something better." Wrong. Ha! Tomorrow has vome and gone...and the better has left me in its wake. It just was an illusion. I thought I was more thanI was.
Some cops saw it, some didn't. Some nurses saw it, some didm't. Not much to save here.
You know, I'm NOT depressed. Isn't that odd? But I'm not. I've been depresed before...I know what that is like. But ths is different. I'm not in a black hole, sinking deeper and deepere. I'm actually okay. But it's weird. And maybe that's whay they don't hospitalize me....because I'm say I'm not depressed. But I'm not. I'm just messed up. One minute I'm suicidal, the next I'm just existing. ANf on and on. I don't know what this is.
And I'm mad! My parents knows now. I'm MAD. This is a priovate matter, and the police had no RIGHT to let them in on it. If I die, so be it. But before that time, this is PRIVATE. And now I don't want naything to do with my parents. I can't DEAL with people (family!) wanting to help me. It sickens me. I rely on myself....period! And the more they involve mt family, the more I get mad and turn further away! CUT IT OUT!!!!
I don't know what's going to happen with me. Never thought this! Psycho-Sandra. And you know what? I can't even apply to volunteer due to security checks....guess what they'll find? Calls to my place for "suicide attempt". Yup. Saw the print-out. And it'll be listed until the day I die. I'm screwed.
Music stopped. Time to put on something differnet.
Anyone up tongith??
Sandra
(sorry to be such a bummer....but I'm just a dumber bummer! Ha)
Posted by jlynne on May 5, 2004, at 2:42:33
In reply to Still Here, posted by SandyWeb on May 4, 2004, at 22:23:44
Sandy, it was good to talk with you in open tonight; I hope you join us again.
I know you don't want to hear this, but I want to remind you of what I have said a couple times before - - I had help, sweetie. I had meds, I had a therapist, and I had my sister. I wouldn't have made it without them. They told me it was possible to get better, and I hung onto that.
Nothing at all made sense to me back then, and I couldn't see past what was happening to me . . . but they could see, and they kept me grounded. I also read magazine articles written by other people who had been through it and got better; that gave me hope.
If you can get the courage, or whatever it is that you need, to reach out and ask for help, it would be so good for you, love. You are feeling very disconnected right now, and it would help to "connect" with someone who can show you how to slow down your thoughts and get control of them again. It is almost impossible to reason rationally when you are in this state of mind, and having someone bouncing things back at you might be very helpful.
Good night, sweetie. I hope you sleep and get some rest.
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes)))) ((((Sandy))))
...jlynne
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