Posted by SandyWeb on May 1, 2004, at 18:05:37
In reply to Re: I'm Finally Up *trigger* » SandyWeb, posted by tabitha on May 1, 2004, at 11:00:14
Hi Tabitha,
>I got the lovely charcoal, and the tube up the nose, the whole traumatic ER deal. I don't really remember them asking my permission for any of it.>
Well, they don't ask permission. Lol. They pretty much tell you to do it. But as long as you are competent, you can refuse any medical advice.
>I didn't even get a psych consult. I just talked to a nurse and a volunteer and very briefly to a doctor, who just insisted I let them contact my parents. As if my parents would fix it-- ha! I was 21 or 22.>My psych consult consisted of a psych nurse and then a psych resident. I never got to see a pdoc at all. And I'm almost 40 years old, and the cops contacted my parents too!! Can you believe it? It irritated me, and STILL makes me very angry....they even read my "good bye" email to them! I feel like they crossed the line there.
>During my wild night, I had not only swallowed lots of pills and alcohol, but had broken into a house of a boy I was brokenhearted over and did a little vandalizing.>
I am STILL remembering things that happened! I went to a lot more places and did a lot more things than I previously remembered. I was a lot more messed up than I thought! I wonder what things I'll never remember??
>I had a referral to a counselor but I was so embarrassed I just wanted to pretend it never happened. My story was 'I was just drunk and upset over a boy'. The truth was I had deep depression since my teens, and was barely hanging on.>
I don't think that I'm embarrassed. I'm just used to relying on myself....I've learned not to open up too much to people in order to survive. So I'm still trying to rely only on myself, and I'm finding it a really tough struggle this time. But I'm still stuck in the "self-preservation" mindset of not opening to someone. SO I guess I show signs of reaching out for help, but then when help comes.....I won't accept it, and actually run from it. I just feel that if I expose too much of myself, then I've left myself too vulnerable. Kind-of a vicious cycle, huh?
>I didn't really get any mental health care for another 5 years or so.>
I'm so sorry that you had to go through 5 years of living like that. What a tough girl you are! Really, it takes a heck of a lot of strength to survive on your own for that long, huh. I can't imagine. I'm glad you're still with us.
>I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say.. just that when I hear your story, I wish I could say something to prod you in the direction of rebuilding your life, and get help integrating the experience you've had.>
Oh, don't worry about it. It's not your problem. I appreciate the good thoughts! I'm realizing more and more how HARD of a struggle this is going to be. It seems that now that I've come closer to actually finishing it, the urgency is even stronger. Ugh. But I'm still here and I've got things to take care of. I just find it difficult fighting MYSELF, you know? It makes me anxious. BUT....I'm still here. I'm learning from my experiences, and I'm still trying to get through this myself. Thanks. *smile*
>The fact that you're here posting about it tells me you're much further along in helping yourself than I was after my attempt.>
I don't quite understand that statement, but I'll take it as a positive. I think I post because it's a way to get some things out of my system. I don't really know why I do it. But only bits and pieces. Lol. You wouldn't want to know how messed up my brain really is!! Ha!
Thanks for sharing YOUR story. It's good to know that with attempts there are also success storys of survival.
Take care.
Sandy
poster:SandyWeb
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040430/msgs/342267.html