Posted by SandyWeb on May 4, 2004, at 22:23:44
In reply to Re: I'm Finally Up » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 3, 2004, at 13:18:51
Hi guys,
Haven;t written in a few days. Just passing one minute at a time.
Listening to Norah Jones now. Like her? Proabably shouldn't listen to music.
I'm finding it extemely hard to fight myself. But I'm still here. Who'd a thunk?? Odd condition in my life. Have fought for so long....knowing that we would get to something better. But now....where's the better? All gone. Bye bye. Poof. Can't seem to see past the debris.
All I see now is what was....all the bad that passed before. Because now tere is no path to the better. And the past is rather overwhelming....when there's nothig to see in front.
Blah blah balh. Just ramblin, night and day.
I was always weak. Let people walk (and trample) all over me. But...there was always that spark of "we can make it to tomorrow..to something better." Wrong. Ha! Tomorrow has vome and gone...and the better has left me in its wake. It just was an illusion. I thought I was more thanI was.
Some cops saw it, some didn't. Some nurses saw it, some didm't. Not much to save here.
You know, I'm NOT depressed. Isn't that odd? But I'm not. I've been depresed before...I know what that is like. But ths is different. I'm not in a black hole, sinking deeper and deepere. I'm actually okay. But it's weird. And maybe that's whay they don't hospitalize me....because I'm say I'm not depressed. But I'm not. I'm just messed up. One minute I'm suicidal, the next I'm just existing. ANf on and on. I don't know what this is.
And I'm mad! My parents knows now. I'm MAD. This is a priovate matter, and the police had no RIGHT to let them in on it. If I die, so be it. But before that time, this is PRIVATE. And now I don't want naything to do with my parents. I can't DEAL with people (family!) wanting to help me. It sickens me. I rely on myself....period! And the more they involve mt family, the more I get mad and turn further away! CUT IT OUT!!!!
I don't know what's going to happen with me. Never thought this! Psycho-Sandra. And you know what? I can't even apply to volunteer due to security checks....guess what they'll find? Calls to my place for "suicide attempt". Yup. Saw the print-out. And it'll be listed until the day I die. I'm screwed.
Music stopped. Time to put on something differnet.
Anyone up tongith??
Sandra
(sorry to be such a bummer....but I'm just a dumber bummer! Ha)
poster:SandyWeb
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040430/msgs/343434.html