Posted by SandyWeb on May 1, 2004, at 9:03:32
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 30, 2004, at 22:40:54
I've read all the messages. I find it so odd that all that posting was going on when I was out doing my thing. It didn't even dawn on me that you all would be doing that. It's nice to know that I'm being supported.
It's 10:30am, and I'm finally getting up. I'm still tired, though. Lol. I hadn't slept in about 35 hours, so I was t-i-r-e-d. I only was able to catch light little naps in the ER, and then be startled by the cops or doctors or nurses checking on me. Ugh. I had 5 different cops looking out for me at the hospital. Can you believe it?? It was a LONG day.
I can't really believe that everything happened.....even when it was actually happening. It feels like it was a dream. Even when I was trying to get out of the woods (and it was so dark that I couldn't see where the heck I was going), it just didn't seem like it was all really happening. The only reason I left the woods was because I got so COLD....and for some reason I wanted to get nearer home. But what a trip. I was seeing people and animals and cars....where there weren't any! It was like I was on acid or something! And I was almost walking into traffic because everytime a car drove past me, I got off-balance and wanted to fall. But I had that purpose to get around the Arm of the harbor and get back into familiar territory. Then I went to a Park.
The cops got me at 4:30 in the morning. I kept trying to fall alseep on them, but they kept talking to me....so I had to be polite and answer. Lol. And then, of course, I was in the hospital until supperime. I have so many needle holes in my arms!!! They kept poking me with things. Ouch! The pills I took were "Long Acting", so they were concerned that a bunch of med would be released at some point and I'd go downhill quickly. But my heart took it fine. They never had to use the port that they'd put in my arm.
I feel so odd. Did I just watch a movie? I know it all happened to me, but it seems like it was a lifetime ago.....not just yesterday!!! I don't know what to make of it all.
When I had the psych consult, they basically just gave me two phone numbers to use if I needed them (I already had those numbers). That it comes down to me making my own choices, and they can't really stop me from doing that. Good luck and bye bye. My nurse didn't believe me when I said that I would be going home once I was cleared by the medical people for the OD, and she went off to find out for herself. When she came back, she had a long talk with me. She wanted me to come into the hospital the next time I felt that way. She acted very sincere. She said that I just had to MAKE myself walk through the doors, no matter what hour it was. She wants me in the hospital BEFORE the next overdose occurs. They would help me get through it. She said that it gave her life purpose if she gets through to only ONE person during her entire career. I was surprised that she talk this way to me, because she had been pretty upset when I refused the lovely charcoal drink she brought me. Lol!
Problem is: I still feel the same. Nothing has changed. I didn't accomplish anything. In fact, the "goal" wasn't even achieved....so I failed even in that. I kept saying that I just needed to get my head around something, of which I didn't want to go into with them because I've talked about myself soooo much this past month....but I still can't figure out how to do that. I just can't find that answer yet. I always figure things outmyself....but this time it's taking a bit longer than I'm used to. I'm having a difficult time with it because I just CAN'T seem to find an answer. But I keep looking.
Dr. Bob, you have to stop saving my life. Ha! I'm not sure if I like that. I guess I'm thankful that I made it past my birthday...it allowed me to get to know the wonderful people on this board a bit better! *smile* But I don't think I'm thankful for yesterday. I'm still in the same place, I still feel the same way.....and it probably should have just been put to rest. Because now I have to continue to go through these mind-games. I don't like them.
No, I'm not about ready to leave and attempt again. I'm still too tired for that. And I have to take care of a few things....like getting the Welfare reinstated, for one thing. I hate the thought of having to deal with the landlord (nice lady that she is) when they find out that my rent cheque will be bouncing. I won't be evicted because we are very good tenants, but still....it's humiliating, especially when she knows that we are on Welfare. *sigh* And again....how many times did I have to tell people yesterday that I was on Welfare?? Why do people always have to ask about job/finances??? I don't need to be reminded over and over again that I don't do anything....that I'm not even a student anymore!!
I'm sorry I sent that "good bye" note to you guys. I thought I owed it to you because of the time and interest that you've invested in me. As soon as I hit the ENTER key, I was out the door. It truly was a good-bye because I wasn't about to wait around for replies! I had my shoes on, and it was the very last thing I did before taking off. Maybe I shouldn't have sent it. I don't know. Maybe I WOULD do it again....but still, the cops wouldn't find me, you know? Everyone was so surprised at where I had actually gone....they thought it was too far to walk to. Jeepers! Does everyone rely on their cars too much or what?? It wasn't until I came back within the city that they found me.
Anyways, no.....I'm not ready to do that again anytime soon. I don't even know if that would be something I'd consider doing again. I'm just rather in limbo right now. Maybe I'd phone that Mobile Crisis Line. Maybe I'd go over to the hospital. I just don't know. But right now I'm semi-safe because I need to take care of the Welfare paperwork and work out some sort of arrangement for the late rent. I don't think I could just leave that up in the air.
Dishes to wash and garbage to take out. Fun day ahead of me. Lol!
Talk to you all later.
Sandy
poster:SandyWeb
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040430/msgs/342131.html