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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by jlynne on March 27, 2004, at 21:39:28
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 4:20:19
> I went for a 2-hour walk last night.
>
> It started to rain. *sigh*
>
> Came back home and went to bed early.
Sandy, well, at least as long as it rains we know you will come back from your walks [LOL].Where do you go when you walk? (Besides the woods:) I don't know where I would end up around here if I walked for two hours.
How is Carly doing on her med? I hope it is working for her.
The weatherman is forecasting sunny and warm here for tomorrow - I am so ready for that. I am sure that I suffer from SADS, along with everything else. [I don't know if living in the Pacific NW causes SADS, or if people with SADS just get trapped here and can't get out.] In any event, I might just get naked tomorrow and soak up as much sunshine as I possible can in one day. Sunscreen, be damned!!
Take it easy, Sandy. [One fifteen minutes at a time.] ...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 4:56:35
In reply to Re: Hmmm...., posted by Dinah on March 27, 2004, at 21:38:30
Dinah,
I'm not looking for Dr. Bob to save me. Actually, I think I'm more just leaving a record. Whether he reads these messages in time is of no concern to me now. My birthday is coming up in April, and I think that should be my special day to go a-walking. I would be 39-years OLD. Ugh. Nothing much to show for in all those years...except two fantastic kids! Who'd a-thunk?? But now I'm getting antsy because April seems so far away. I'm really, really antsy!! Lol! At least I won't have to go back to dear ole hubby. He wasn't the nicest of men. He liked to strangle, smother, hit, and yell. BUT....at least it would have been the two of us against the world TOGETHER. I wouldn't have seemed so alone in this world. But now I don't have to return to that messed-up life. He lives in Washington state now. Getting closer to the Canadian border! Oh no! Lol! It was sooo nice to get away from him. My son, at 5-years of age, had to go into counselling when we moved here. He wasn't allowed to get his anger out when we lived with hubby because the big bad man would overpower him. So, when we were awat from him, Ben got ANGRY. That was a fun time! Ha! But my kiddo overcame, and he's a great 15-year old now. A little bit addicted to video games (UGH!!), but I think I'll keep him. Lol! And Carly is doing better with the sleeping pills. Apparently it leaves a disgusting taste in her mouth for the rest of the next day, but it helps her fall alseep. It just doesn't KEEP her asleep. She keeps waking up all night long....but at least she doesn't get up and turn on the light and start reading. She's getting more rest, and has been to school. Yippee. Now she just needs that therapist so she can learn how to not be fearful of the dark.
I am so glad April is coming. I've always liked my special month. April showers? Well, that's okay. If it's too miserable, I don't need to atually take a walk. My home is just as well. But I wish it would hurry up. I don't know if I can wait that long. I'm sooo antsy. And, yes, of course there is always hope. I seem like two different people. I want to get on with it, and yet there is a little bit of a search for hope. I think that is probably somehhing that we are born with. And I think that the only "hope" I would have would be the hospital. Only problem is that I've never been to the hospital, as a patient, except when I gave birth two times. I've been a very healthy girl up until last year!! And even stranger, even though I wanted to be a psych nurse, I've never been on a mentl health unit and I'm scared to death of it. Lol! Actually, I'm more scared of the unit than my birthday!! *snicker* I think the only way I would go would be kicking and screaming. And you'd have to catch me first!! Hee hee. Since I haven't run in many a year, I'd probably have to run and HIDE, run and HIDE....as I'm catching my breath!! LOL!!!! But really, I'd be too scared to go to the hospital. Which is really irrational when you think that I was a wannabe nurse specailizing in mental health. Duh! Guess I wouldn't have been a good nurse afterall. Scared of my own unit! Hee!
Well, I didn't sleep at all last night. Maybe I should try to lay down again. But my tummy is just so full of butterflies, and I just keep fidgeting, and I can't stop thinking about my birthday. I wonder what I'll get?? Ha! I was going to have an exam on the day before and the day after my birthday....but now I'm free!! Yeah!! No stress of studying around my special day. Har! So, that is my story. Maybe I should take one f Carly's sleeping pills because I'm not going to get any sleep today if my brain keeps racing like this. No prob, though. It'll slow down soon enough.
Do you ever fel like two people? One part of you wants one thing and nother part wants another? A little bit on the frustrating side. But I don't have any plans for the future. I still haven't figured out what I could do with my life. Be a bag lady looking for handouts. Ha! Now that seems like it would be fun. NOT.Cya!
Posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 5:37:39
In reply to Re: Hmmm.... » Dinah, posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 4:56:35
I meant to mention that I won't be posting here anymore. I forgot to say that in my previous message. You can cancel this thread now. It was wonderful meeting all you special people. Take good care of yourselves.
Cya!
Posted by EmmyS on March 28, 2004, at 8:32:56
In reply to Re: Hmmm.... » Dinah, posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 4:56:35
Sandy - I was the same age as your children when my mother suicided. I wonder what you think will happen to them?
Do you think they will "be better off" without you as my mother did? I can assure you, my mom was incorrect. The many children she left behind were so totally screwed up by her suicide, that decades later most of us are still basket cases. Our family was destroyed, the guilt and self-blame overwhelmed each child. Yes, even the youngest children grew thinking it was their fault entirely and have lived with that for decades. It's mom's legacy - agonzing pain. More than one of my siblings have also attempted. I'm quite sure my brother will soon succeed.
I realize that depression causes irrational thinking. Sandy, try to think clearly for a few minutes. Think about the love you have for your children. Know they love you and need you in their lives forever; for their first broken hearts, for their graduations, their weddings, the births of their children. My mom wasn't there for any of that.
I shopped alone for my wedding dress. It sucked. I cried.
It's not just all the big days either. I miss her every single day. Every single day.
Arrange for childcare. Pack a bag. It's time to get to that hospital. It's not just about you right now - it's about your children.
Emmy
Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2004, at 9:39:57
In reply to Re: Hmmm.... » Dinah, posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 4:56:35
Emmy is absolutely positively right.
When you sign on as a parent, you sign on to put their needs ahead of your own. Do you want them to have lost their mother in such a way?
I'm sorry to be so blunt. And I know how overwhelmed you are right now. But there are options that would be better for your kids. And believe it or not, with some proper medication and some help in dealing with your immediate problems of living, they won't seem impossible to you either.
Please take a deep breath and go into the hospital to let them help you find those options.
Posted by jlynne on March 28, 2004, at 14:57:22
In reply to Re: Hmmm...., posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 5:37:39
Hey, Sandy, I hear you. But, you know what? Now's not a good time to be trying to figure out what to do with the rest of your life, you know? You don't really want to die, hun . . . you want some answers; some hope; a glimpse of a better future. I don't have a crystal ball, Sandy, but I can say that I have been where you are . . . you know I have (why else would I have stayed here with you?) I promise you can get through this, but you need to get some help.
The hospital's not so bad - in fact, I thought it was kind of nice to be waited on, and they gave me some pretty good drugs in there, too! And my kids were glad for the chance to stay with gramma and get spoiled for awhile. It was really a relief, Sandy, to finally give in and go . . . and let someone else take care of me for awhile.
I don't know what God has planned for your life, Sandy, but I know that you are a worthwhile human being. You have overcome some pretty devastating @?!# already, and I know that you can find that strength again.
I will keep praying for you. Please, stay here.
((((HUGS))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on March 28, 2004, at 22:08:46
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on March 28, 2004, at 14:57:22
. . . in case you decide to write again.
God bless you.
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:05:38
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on March 28, 2004, at 14:57:22
I'm really going to do this. Maybe before my birthday.
There's no way that I can rescue myself, so I'm gritting my teeth as I say this:
Call the police. Help me, help me, help me.
I'm going out for some fresh air right now. I can't stay in here any longer. I've been poking at my wrist. I haven't drawn any blood, but just the action feels comfortable. I've got to leave here.
If I don't hit the "Enter" button now, I'm never going to send this message.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:07:15
In reply to Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:05:38
Done. I don't know if I'm relieved or upset. I don't know what to think.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Sandy
Posted by Penny on March 29, 2004, at 12:33:52
In reply to Re: Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:07:15
Sandy,
FIRST THING - GO TO THE HOSPITAL NOW. OR CALL 911 NOW. FOR YOURSELF, AND YOUR CHILDREN.
If you're not willing, read this first.
As someone who has suffered from depression for a number of years, and someone who was hospitalized last summer for the first time, and someone whose grandfather committed suicide 2 1/2 years ago, and someone who has been on nearly every med in the book and has been in therapy for several years, I can tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That said, IT CAN GET BETTER.
I know Shar posted below a link to a website that all who are considering suicide should check out first: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
I have been there more times than I can tell you. You need to remember, no matter how bad it feels right now, this is a decision you can't take back once you've acted on it. IT IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. It might not feel that way right now, but that is the disease talking.
You would hurt your children and others in your life more than you could possibly know. No matter how bad you feel right now, or how hopeless it all seems, those kids of yours need you there. They will ALWAYS need you there. You don't believe it - but it's so true. They want you here, Sandy. We on babble want you here too, Sandy.
Give it a little while longer at the least. Don't think about this as I can't make it through another day. Can you make it through another minute? Even with excrutiating pain? If you took the time to read my message, you can. So hang in another minute. And another. AND GO TO THE HOSPITAL. CALL 911 NOW. FOR YOURSELF, AND FOR YOUR KIDS.
C'mon Sandy - I know you believe your children are worth your trying to help yourself. They ARE worth living for. Even if you don't feel like you're really living right now. That can change. Really. I'm proof of that, as are many others on the board. And time in the hospital can be the most helpful thing in the whole world.
You don't want to die, Sandy. If you did, you wouldn't have posted. PLEASE GET HELP. And then let us know, when you can, that you are okay. Please. Please. Please.
P
Posted by jlynne on March 29, 2004, at 12:43:59
In reply to Re: Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:07:15
Sandy, what is happening?
...jlynne
Posted by Dr. Bob on March 29, 2004, at 13:41:57
In reply to Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:05:38
> Call the police. Help me, help me, help me.
I've contacted your ISP again. I hope they can in fact get you more help. Best wishes,
Bob
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 15:43:40
In reply to Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:05:38
I haven't read any of your messages yet as they will probably cause me to break down.
I took a 2 1/2 hour walk, and then I came home. I was feeling a little better after all that cold air. I just sat down to come on the computer and let you guys know that the cops weren't needed....when the cops knocked on the door.
It was awful. Good cop, bad cop. And the bad cop was BAD. He kept yelling, even when I asked him to keep his voice down because my kids were in their bedrooms with a friend. But he said that he wasn't going to be quiet.
He kept accusing me of playing games. That I enjoyed the response I was getting on this board. That I was NOT allowed to post anymore messages or I would be charged with criminal mischief. That they did not want to get any more calls concerning me.
He wanted to see my wrists because I was supposedly cutting them. His partner looked. One was fine, the other had small hole marks from the clasp I had been using on it. But he didn't know what the marks were. He frowned, but then didn't say anything to his BAD partner. They were expecting gushing wounds, I guess.
Anyways, I can't post here anymore. Talk about driving a person over the edge. The darn guy made me start crying in front of him. And he said that was how the game was played. And if I didn't like it, the next time I would be hauled away in handcuffs to jail and my kids placed with child protective services and I would be charged with criminal mischief. That was how the game was played, and he told his partner, "She knows how it's played."
So, they left. I cried forever. Then I went to the bathroom and poked and scratched at my wrist. And I felt like just dragging that edge straight across it.
But I'm not allowed to say these things anymore. I'm not allowed to talk with you guys anymore. Oh my gosh. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so totally absolutely utterly worthless right now. Big bad meanie cop. He didn't believe a word I said.
I don't know what's going to happen. I am about ready to curl up in a ball. He made fun about the first visit (it was the same cops from the first night).
Do not call the cops again, please.
I still can't stop crying. This was not what I needed. This really, really STUNK.
I'm sorry, you guys.
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on March 29, 2004, at 15:57:53
In reply to Re: Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 15:43:40
Sandy, call your doctor, please. Or your sister. Or your mother. Have one of them call your doctor. Get help, please. You're going to have to reach out - we can't do it for you. This is something you can do.
Please, let go and get help.
I'm pulling for you, Sandy.
((((courage))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 16:12:30
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on March 29, 2004, at 15:57:53
Hi jlynne,
I know you can't do it for me, but thank you for sticking around.
Right now I just feel so utterly hurt. I'm constantly on the verge of crying. Stupid cop didn't even ask anything about me. Thinks I'm some sort of whack-o who gets my jollies playing with people's minds. He doesn't even know that I asked you to call the cops! He thinks Dr. Bob just did it because of whatever I had posted. Jerk! But the jerk made me cry.....which is not what I wanted. And he kept yelling and acting smart with me. And all I could do was cover my eyes and try not to have them see my tears. And then he continued his smart-alec remarks, made me answer to his beliefs, and then they walked out. I was tying up the emergency services. *sigh*
I'm sorry. I shouldn't be even chatting anymore. I know you can't do anything for me. I know it's up to me. But I've just had so many failures externally, and now to go to the hospital and say that I'm broken....well, that's a failure internally. I just can't get myself to go there. And my family knows NOTHING. Which Mr. Bad Cop didn't care about....he wanted to go into my son's room, with my son's friend in there too, and find out about mum's lies. He was just so mean. He knows NOTHING about mental health! My gosh, he really could drive someone to slit their wrists!! I'm soooooo glad I had taken that walk before meeting up with him. It would have been too overwhelming.
Loser. I'm such a loser. The cops think I'm a loser. I'm just a welfare loser with nothing to look forward to. And here come the tears again!! Argh!! I haven't cried ONCE during this whole couple weeks.....and now that darn cop hurt me. What a jerk!!!! Don't they get sensitivity training??
And I still want to poke my wrist more. And I want to get drunk tonight (I didn't do it the other night). In fact, that's a great idea. The bottle is in the fridge. I'm having the whole thing....and FAST!!!
Sorry, guys. I'm so sorry about all this. Argh!!! And the tears again!!!! I hate this!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 16:24:02
In reply to Re: Help Me, posted by Dr. Bob on March 29, 2004, at 13:41:57
Dr. Bob,
Thank you for going to all that trouble for me. I'm sure you've read the messages I've posted already. It was my nightmare experience! *shrug* I don't do well with being yelled at. It doesn't make me want to divulge too much. It just makes me want to hide until the jerk gets out of my home.
I'm sorry to have asked you to help out. I shouldn't have involved you guys. It's MY problem. You know, if those cops had been compassionate....I probably would have talked with them and been in the hospital right now. But I did NOT want to be pushed around in handcuffs by an angry meanie cop.
I'm sorry. It's my problem, not yours. I'll either survive or I won't. Whatever. But the cops are out of the equation now. If my name ever shows up on their computers again.... Jeepers, I hope my husband doesn't come here looking to get us. I wouldn't be able to call for help!
Don't they even look at the fact that I've never had involvement with the police before (other than over this little breakdown of mine)? Doesn't that account for something?? What, at 40 years I turn into some sort of prankster???? Why was he so mad with me?
Okay, cut the tears. Bye.
Sandy
Posted by Penny on March 29, 2004, at 16:26:57
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 16:12:30
The cops aren't the mental health professionals, Sandy. Their whole purpose is to take you to the hospital, to remove you from immediate danger, which, my dear, it sounds like you are in. You really should go to the hospital, Sandy. I know it's scary - my friends on this board last summer were very supportive of me when I finally had to make the trip. I was fortunate to have a friend who took me to the hospital, and a pdoc who called ahead to set it all up. I was there a week, and, no, my life was not perfect when I got out, but I was out of crisis mode and it gave me the breath of fresh air (so-to-speak) I needed to be able to look at things more rationally.
Depression is not a rational disease. Your mind is not working properly. That's why you need to place your care temporarily in the hands of someone who can make decisions on your behalf - to keep you safe, to keep you from doing something that will take you from this earth and that will forever forever damage your children.
You need to take care of yourself for them, Sandy. You need to understand that.
At some point, I'm afraid you are going to be pushed over the edge. You can't wait for that moment - you need treatment NOW. Please don't wait any longer. This is not something you should have to continue to deal with on your own.
Dr. Bob did what you asked him to do. That's all he has the power to do, Sandy. I still strongly believe you want to be helped, otherwise you wouldn't have asked for help. But ultimately the decision is up to you.
You said you hadn't read the other posts yet. Please do. Read them. Or just go to the hospital. Please.
Good luck, Sandy. Please take care.
Penny
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 16:29:04
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on March 29, 2004, at 15:57:53
Why did they make me out to be such a bad person? Didn't I feel low enough about myself without being yelled at?
I hate tears. I am so weak. I am such a jerk. I should have stood up for myself. I shouldn't have let him make me cry. I just get bullied by men, I guess. Hubby walked all over me for years. Now the brave boys in blue think I'm someone to not take seriously because I play games with the psychiatric board and I enjoy the responses I'm getting. So let's take this little girl down a few notches.
I was already down at the bottom rung.
So, when do I stop crying????
Great day. Loved it.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 16:38:40
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by Penny on March 29, 2004, at 16:26:57
Penny,
Thanks for the concern. But the cops say that I'm not to involve you in my shananigans anymore. Criminal mischief, you know. I'm a bad, bad girl.
Yes, I know Dr. Bob did what I requested of him. I am appreciative of that. And I know that is all that he could do. I never asked for anything more. I didn't ask him to drive over the border and come and fetch me. I just couldn't get to the hospital on my own (darn broken brain, huh?), and I thought that a compassionate cop could help me to overcome my anxieties and take me gently there. WRONG!!! That cop come in with an attitude right from the start. In fact, he started raising his voice to me out in the hallway....for everyone to hear....so I invited them in. THEN....he does it even when I asked him to keep his voice down due to my kids. He couldn't give a *bleep* about that because he was mad at me for being such a trouble-making citizen. Yup, welfare recipients should be taken out of the law-abiding communities. All we do is take the tax-payers money.
He really hurt me. I shouldn't have been so sensitive, but I wasn't exactly running on high self-esteem at the time.
Yes, the decision is mine. I would go....I really would....I would really LIKE to go to the hospital....but I can't do it on my own. And I don't want my family to know. And I don't have any friends.
My soul hurts.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 16:43:08
In reply to Re: Help Me, posted by Dr. Bob on March 29, 2004, at 13:41:57
I'm sorry for all the trouble, guys.
I'm sorry I dragged you into all this.
And the police would arrest me if they knew I was even writing to you guys again.
It really hurts.
I'm so sorry.
Sandy
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 17:39:50
In reply to Re: Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 16:43:08
Hi Sandy I am kinda new to all of this thread and not knowing what all went on but guessing,,,PLEASE do not harm yourself...go to a neighbor and have them drive you to ER,,,,then no cops...HUGE HUGS AND MUCH CONCERN
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 17:48:27
In reply to Re: Help Me » SandyWeb, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 17:39:50
Thanks for the suggestion, but I don't know my neighbors. We live in an apartment complex. Besides, I could walk to the hospital from here. It's probably only 10 minutes away.
But what if the hospital treats me the same way as the cop? I really, really could not handle more rejection right now. All I want to do is cut up my wrist and cry.
And I shouldn't even post this.
I am humiliated that these two cops are driving around talking bad about me. That they have this horrible impression of me. That they think of me as a joke. That I'm totally useless and worthless to them. Just like hubby, I'm just something to rub the filth off their feet on.
I feel really bad. I want to stop feeling this way. I've had enough of all this. I am so TIRED of always losing. I try and I try.....and I seem to always come up the loser.
Why did this have to happen today? I was ready to accept someone's help....if only they had been nice. Now I'm scared to trust the hospital. I just can't deal with that.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 17:57:49
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 16:29:04
I feel so bad.
But don't tell the cops I said that. Ha!
How could he act that way? Does he not even appreciate the fact that he can KILL a person that way?? That was enough to push me right over the edge. I'm STILL crying! I'm so thankful I took that walk. 2 1/2 hours of walking in the chill air has a tendency to make you COLD. Lol!
What a horrible, horrible man. But I'm not surprised that I got him. How could I have expected anything better?
I really hate my life.
Sandy
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 18:40:03
In reply to Re: Help Me » Fallen4myT, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 17:48:27
Yo Sandy , well don't be hurting yourself ok....and trust me they will NOT be mean at the hospital I have signed myself in once and thats the best way to go...then you can sign out if you want..say if they are mean but they arent...They see emotionally overwhelmed people all the time and they really are kind ..please then walk to the hospital AND show those cops a thing or two...I mean, what can they say..when you do the RIGHT thing and get well at the hospital? All they can say is THEY maybe over reacted and you were right....Maybe? they were just worried on you ya know but none the less please walk to the hospital and tell them in ER you want to hurt you and they WILL be nice I PROMISE
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 18:42:32
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 17:57:49
My life sucks too Sandy..I am new to this thread so I am all duh lol...who is the HE you are talking of??? And you wanted to be a nurse..I bet you can be a good one and could maybe work on a psychward cause the ones on my psych ward were really VERY kind..like they KNEW what hurt feels like
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