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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 48. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 10:25:46
I just wish someone could read my mind; I can't write it all. I had therapy last night. I just saw the thread about being afraid of men. This is something we talked about last night. I'm so conflicted, so triggered, so sad.
Sorry to barge in like this. I don't write much so don't really expect any responses. I think I am trying to reach out but don't know how.
LGL
Posted by B2chica on June 24, 2005, at 11:17:10
In reply to Need help, but too triggered to write. :(, posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 10:25:46
i wish i could read your mind. take your time and when you are ready please post. we can help.
and no barging here, your welcome to jump in anytime!reach out as far as you can and we'll grab from here. ;^)
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on June 24, 2005, at 11:28:49
In reply to Need help, but too triggered to write. :(, posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 10:25:46
i'd like to jump in on this thread cuz there are a few things that that same thread triggered for me.
maybe this will help you to open up a bit also (only when you're ready though).i too read and posted to the thread about fear of men. my comment was like happyflower, my 'fears/distrust' are directed at women rather than men. but the same certainly applied.
it made me think of why exactly i avoid them as friends. one of my toughest issues was with one of my best friends when i was 13-14, we drank all the time and always went to parties. one night we both came home terribly drunk and passed out together, i woke up to her molesting me. a visual that haunts me and makes me sick to my stomach. my next best friend led me into a situation where i was r@ped and she was oblivious (i'm still struggling with that term cuz i didn't fight at all, i freaking froze and was led into the situation a second time and was SA again...i still blame myself but there were times that i blamed her).
and my mother, well. i'm still figuring that one out. it triggers me to even think about it, don't know how to say it....i don't think she molested me but i remember her 'cleaning me' when i was real little and she was painfully rough, then i remember her always rubbing vaseline on me (in two areas). it bothers me. i feel like there's more but i can't remember and don't want to misread anything. it makes me feel dirty even thinking about it, it makes me feel sick, about myself and about her.
maybe this was too graphic. maybe i shouldn't have written it. but maybe you've had smiliar betrayals by men and there creates a fear. maybe you're not ready to let it come to the surface just yet.
i hope i didn't make anything worse.
b2c.
Posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 11:33:01
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :( » LittleGirlLost, posted by B2chica on June 24, 2005, at 11:17:10
I think you are being brave just saying you need help! It is a great first step! I think we were all a little scared to post here at first. But I am glad that I did. I think we have the best support system here on the web! :) Take your time, and go slow!
Posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 11:44:35
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!**, posted by B2chica on June 24, 2005, at 11:28:49
>>>
> it made me think of why exactly i avoid them as friends. one of my toughest issues was with one of my best friends when i was 13-14, we drank all the time and always went to parties. one night we both came home terribly drunk and passed out together, i woke up to her molesting me. a visual that haunts me and makes me sick to my stomach.Oh, B2, what a really bad thing to happen to you!((((B2))))). What a sick person that so called friend was, I know guys do this sort of thing, so I guess girls can abuse like this too. You have had a tough begginning in life. Then to have the same kind of SA happen to you. I feel for you, I don't think I would trust anyone. I haven't been SA that I know of , but I guess all abuse causes us not to trust anyone! It is so sad that we have to pay for the mistakes of a few sick people and they go about there lives like they didn't do anything. My mother should be in prision. I will not feel 100% safe until she is dead. Then I can be totally free from her. ((((B2)))) Are you okay? It took a lot of courage to admit all this. I just hope you are okay.
>
Posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 11:45:48
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!**, posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 11:44:35
Posted by B2chica on June 24, 2005, at 12:11:34
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!**, posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 11:44:35
thank you dear happyflower.
just writing you name, gives me a little smile.it was crappy and it took me a year and a GREAT 'T' to finally get this out. i'm stil struggling cuz i split my feelings, the one side that i don't let out hates her and what she did, the other side feels sorry for her cuz i wonder if she was abused. she lived with her drunk and negletful father that didn't care about her at all, i don't think he abused her but anyone could have as he was always passed out by 7:00. the thing that makes me so angry and hurt is she's not totally out of my life, and last year (not to long after i started getting flashbacks of this long forgotten this incident) she started dating my sister-n-laws brother and saw one of my old friends and told her that 'I'...that 'I' molested her! it stabbed like a knife...fortunately she's such a compulsive liar my friend just passed what she said and shook her head saying 'she hasn't changed'. i acted like i didn't know anything. it makes a little volcano inside, unfortunately the eruption is typically aimed at me.
i can take it...i want to say i can take the pain, i'm used to keeping so much pain inside that i'm used to it. i'm used to that ache inside.i split about everything that's happened. it's hard to deal with anything that way. and i downsize it cuz i know that there are worse things that could have happened to me, i always think of terrorists and stuff. or life of women in any 3rd world country and i know it could be worse for me.
i like what you said about us paying for the mistakes of a few sick people AND their going about their lives like they didn't do anything. it's so anger provoking.
i'm sorry about your 'mother'. i hope for your sake maybe she could get into prison. you Deserve a sense of security and safety.
i'm ok, little unstable but ok. my T's be great through all of this. i hope you are ok too.
b2c.
Posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 12:37:03
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!** » happyflower, posted by B2chica on June 24, 2005, at 12:11:34
> thank you dear happyflower.
> just writing you name, gives me a little smile.
>
You are so sweet! Thank you!
> it was crappy and it took me a year and a GREAT 'T' to finally get this out. i'm stil struggling cuz i split my feelings, the one side that i don't let out hates her and what she did, the other side feels sorry for her cuz i wonder if she was abused.She was probably abused too, but it is no excuse what she did. My mother was probably abused too, but that doesn't excuse what terror she did to me.
I was talking to my hubby this morning about my mother and what if we got a call that she died. Well I said I don't think I would shed a tear. I would be happy. I don't know if this the proper way to feel, maybe I should ask my T this. Or maybe I have divorsed her and moved on. Who knows, there is probably hundreds of oppions.the thing that makes me so angry and hurt is she's not totally out of my life, and last year (not to long after i started getting flashbacks of this long forgotten this incident) she started dating my sister-n-laws brother and saw one of my old friends and told her that 'I'...that 'I' molested her! it stabbed like a knife...fortunately she's such a compulsive liar my friend just passed what she said and shook her head saying 'she hasn't changed'.
Wow, it must be so painful to have her around. Is she still dating this guy? I found that the only way to protect me and my family was staying totally away from her, unfotuntelty this also means all of my family on her side. ( not a big loss) This girl would make me very angry too, I totally understand, and you have every right to feel this. I think sometime in therapy we think we shouldn't feel anything strong, but in this case it is justified.
> i can take it...i want to say i can take the pain, i'm used to keeping so much pain inside that i'm used to it. i'm used to that ache inside.
>
(((((B2)))) Someday I hope the pain will evaporate, you deserve it, and it isn't your fault , any of this!> ii downsize it cuz i know that there are worse things that could have happened to me, i always think of terrorists and stuff. or life of women in any 3rd world country and i know it could be worse for me.
>
Yes, those things are bad things, but being abused is just as bad if not worse. I think I would of loved to live in a 3rd world country with a family that loved me, instead of living with my childhood in the USA>> i like what you said about us paying for the mistakes of a few sick people AND their going about their lives like they didn't do anything. it's so anger provoking.
Yes, this makes me mad too, but I also realize I have to move on, or my family will suffer because of my mother too, in a indirect way. My kids deserve a great mommy, and I want to give that to them. :)
>> i'm ok, little unstable but ok. my T's be great through all of this. i hope you are ok too.
I am okay, because of therapy, I am not suffering from PTSD, which lifts a huge weight of my shoulders. I feel like I could fight against my mother's hurtfull things. I had a reaccuring dream my whole life of my mother chasing me trying to kill me. Well a couple of months ago, I stood up to her, and took her knife, and used it on her ! Brutal I know, but my T thought this was wonderful, because I feel like I am strong enough to beat her at her own game. :) Well take care of yourself this weekend, I hope this didn't trigger you too bad, be strong, fight those demons.!!! :) Don't ever give up hope, you can heal, and beat the odds and live a good emotional life. I am trying, somedays it feels really bad, but I have to move on, or my flower will lose all it's pedals. :(
Posted by rainbowbrite on June 24, 2005, at 12:55:56
In reply to Need help, but too triggered to write. :(, posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 10:25:46
your not barging!! Although I think I am. I dont really have any place on this board..I probably need mucho therapy but Im not at that place yet.
I also think you did a great job of reaching out. Just for the record, some men are very very scary. when I say I dont think they are inherantly evil its becasause Ive thankfully encountered some who aren't. But there are men out there who should be %*^&^##$% i cant say what I want to say so....
Anyway I think you made a good step, very brave! and my understanding is that once you break past a certain point, and speak even though its agonizing, you start feeling a little better...I think it may be a slow process though.
keep trying
(((LGL)))
Posted by Daisym on June 24, 2005, at 13:14:33
In reply to Need help, but too triggered to write. :(, posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 10:25:46
I wish I could read your mind too. If it is easier, you can send me a babblemail. I'd like to help. Maybe you can start small and just tell what you are most frightened of.
But you know what? You don't have to tell anything else to get support. You said you are scared and hurting and those were big things to admit and post. I wish I could just wrap you up in a warm blanket (it is foggy and cold here today) and sit with you on my swing. It is peaceful and my kitties are really friendly. One purrs so loud that I think you can hear him a block away. And he likes to rest his chin on your arm in sort of a protective way. We wouldn't have to talk. We could just keep each other company. When I first starting talking about this stuff, I would end up in my therapist's office just sort of sitting quiet and absorbing his support. He said letting it out was a little bit like going into shock again and sometimes you needed to just sit and be emotionally held by someone who knew the secrets and could allow you your pain without trying to fix it. He always just offered quiet strength and support until I was ready to talk again. I hope you have someone who does that for you.
I hope you know that we don't keep score here. Everyone gives and takes at different rates at different times. You need right now. That is OK. I hope we can give you what you need. I hope you'll let us.
Posted by Daisym on June 24, 2005, at 13:17:09
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!**, posted by B2chica on June 24, 2005, at 11:28:49
(((B2)))
I'm so proud of you for writing down so many hard things. You are amazing. I can see so much progress, even if it is painful progress. You are doing really, really hard work.
No one can change what happened but I hope you get to a place where you don't blame yourself as much. It is all so complicated.
You deserve some peace.
Hugs from me,
Daisy
Posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 13:20:41
In reply to Need help, but too triggered to write. :(, posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 10:25:46
B2, Happy, Rainbow,
Thanks SO much for the encouragement; I am having a "heckuva" time today. Of course, I just saw T last night, so that explains the sadness. We all know how that goes, ohhh leaving her is so hard!What's also really really bothering me, is I sort of just started dating someone, and I am so SO conflicted. He seems nice (for a guy), but I am so nervous and fearful. I've always wanted to be married and all that, but I am so afraid. (I've also been living on my own for about 10-12 years, and I guess becoming "set in my ways" doesn't help matters either.) The conflict is that as much as I want a relationship with a man, I want a mom more than anything! The "little" part of me (which is actually quite large) says that boys are yucky and I just want a mommy and nothing else; or at least you are supposed to have the mom FIRST. i can't say anymore about this now; hurting too much. :(
lgl
Posted by Daisym on June 24, 2005, at 13:20:41
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :( » LittleGirlLost, posted by rainbowbrite on June 24, 2005, at 12:55:56
Hey, Rain - I feel the need to scold you! You DO have a place on this board. I remember a particularly hard trip I had to make and you really helped support me through it. I'll say it again, we don't keep score here. If we did, I'd be out of chips!
I think you add a lot when you feel up to contributing. I hope you don't stay away because you aren't in therapy right now. I'd miss you.
OK, scolding over. Hugs from me,
Daisy
Posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 13:35:08
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :( » rainbowbrite, posted by Daisym on June 24, 2005, at 13:20:41
> Hey, Rain - I feel the need to scold you!
Hey, Daisy girl! Who made you the boss? lol You just crack me up! Go to your corner, Daisy! And no back talk, do you hear me? :)
Posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 13:41:14
In reply to who made you boss mommy? : ) » Daisym, posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 13:35:08
Posted by rainbowbrite on June 24, 2005, at 13:50:11
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :( » rainbowbrite, posted by Daisym on June 24, 2005, at 13:20:41
> Hey, Rain - I feel the need to scold you! You DO have a place on this board. I remember a particularly hard trip I had to make and you really helped support me through it. I'll say it again, we don't keep score here. If we did, I'd be out of chips!
Im sorry, I will try not to do that again ;-) lol
Im glad to hear I helped. Im not all that great in that area...> I think you add a lot when you feel up to contributing. I hope you don't stay away because you aren't in therapy right now. I'd miss you.
>
> OK, scolding over. Hugs from me,
> DaisyAwww thanks Daisy!....that was really sweet, you made me smile :-)
Posted by LittleGirlLost on June 24, 2005, at 13:55:00
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :( » LittleGirlLost, posted by Daisym on June 24, 2005, at 13:14:33
Daisy, I'm am sitting here (at work) with tears in my eyes. Thank you SO much for your support.
I so much wish i can come and sit on your swing with you. i would like that and i liyk kitties too. :)
lgl
Posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 14:11:29
In reply to I want to play mommy! It is my turn now! nanna na (nm), posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 13:41:14
What are you doing, Jazzy, Have you sneaked out your window to see your T ? I better not catch ya, I will know, because he always wears the same shirt, and I will reconize him if I see him around. You will be grounded for a week! :)
Posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 14:13:08
In reply to Where'sJazzy?silence means she is up to something!, posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 14:11:29
Posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 16:26:30
In reply to Where'sJazzy?silence means she is up to something!, posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 14:11:29
> What are you doing, Jazzy, Have you sneaked out your window to see your T ? I better not catch ya, I will know, because he always wears the same shirt, and I will reconize him if I see him around. You will be grounded for a week! :)
Ooo baby, baby! LOL Happy you are so funny! Actually, my husband took our toddler, and went away to see his family this weekend! Yeah! I went out to lunch with my best girlfriend to celebrate her b'day, and then a very quick shopping trip w/her. Ran the girls to the pool, picked up my son's friend, was making a long list for the T, and now just thought I'd pop in to check on Babblers!
Oh, BTW, after wracking my brain I think I know WHY he asked me about if weight was an issue for me! Can't believe I didn't think of this! When he told me I needed to get out more and do things with friends, I told him that I'd rather be exercising. He said that friends give us something we can't get from husband and kids. I told him when I go out to lunch/dinner, I just think about how I should be exercising, and sitting there eating just made me feel fat.
I swim 40 laps in the AM, bike 10 miles after swimming, and then walk 5 miles at night. Used to run, but hurt my ankle. Some ppl think that's a lot. Could that be it? Will have to see I guess.Thanks for asking about me, oh, can I leave my room now mom? I promise not to play jump the shrink! LOL
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 16:55:18
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!**, posted by B2chica on June 24, 2005, at 11:28:49
>>my next best friend led me into a situation where i was r@ped and she was oblivious (i'm still struggling with that term cuz i didn't fight at all, i freaking froze and was led into the situation a second time and was SA again...i still blame myself but there were times that i blamed her).
>
I guess when your fight or flight kicked in, yours was to "flight". I was reading about this last night because of when I was raped. I fought, and then didn't, just froze. From what I read, this is a really normal response, but causes a lot of shame. Please don't blame yourself, you wouldn't have walked into it knowingly. Blame your "friend", since she knew and led you into it. BTW, she was no friend.((((hugs))))
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 16:58:13
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!**, posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 11:44:35
My mother should be in prision. I will not feel 100% safe until she is dead. Then I can be totally free from her. > >
I'm so sorry happy. I feel so bad for what you have been through.
(((((((hugs)))))))
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 17:02:50
In reply to Re: Need help, but too triggered to write. :( » LittleGirlLost, posted by rainbowbrite on June 24, 2005, at 12:55:56
> your not barging!! Although I think I am. I dont really have any place on this board..I probably need mucho therapy but Im not at that place yet.
>Why wouldn't you belong rain? You do belong! I love reading your posts! Please don't feel that way! I guess most of us do from time to time tho'. How's Ed? Hunky as ever?
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 17:06:10
In reply to I want to play mommy! It is my turn now! nanna na (nm), posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 13:41:14
Posted by Tamar on June 24, 2005, at 17:07:52
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!** » B2chica, posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 16:55:18
> Blame your "friend", since she knew and led you into it. BTW, she was no friend.
Maybe... but also: blame the rapist. He's the one who is fully responsible for the attack. I think it's understandable to blame your friend for her betrayal of you, but at the same time as blaming her you might be implicitly blaming yourself for not having the judgment to realise she would betray you (if that makes sense). The person who has to take full responsiblity for the attack is the man who attacked you.
As long as we don't hold rapists fully responsible for rape we allow them to destroy our sense of personal intergrity.
Sorry for the rant.
Tamar
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