Posted by susan47 on March 28, 2008, at 9:29:45
In reply to Re: my life, posted by susan47 on March 27, 2008, at 13:00:48
> I'm reading back, and it sounds like sexual abuse. I don't understand, because that never happened.
> Something happened though.
> Something did happen, or I would not be this way. I remember, as a small child, not feeling this way about myself, I must have been really young. I don't know, tell me, what happens to an infant left to cry all night, every night? When she has a major operation withOUT anaesthetic, when she's dying at three weeks? I don't get it. What happened, was it before then or after then that I knew I was whole and complete, and good and worthy? When? When did it happen? God, I want to go back to before any of it, and be whole, and then god, dear loving lord, Lord of my Soul, Lord of my Heart, please god, let me children be complete and loving to themselves, let me have somehow been a Good Parent .. God, I was such a lousy mother. God I want to have been a good mom, because more than anything, I know how important Love is, to Life.
> I love you.
> I'm so sorry.
> I wish I could have been different.
> I wish I could have been better.
> I have to let this go.
> I have to let it go, now.
> Please god, allow me to feel complete and whole. Loving to myself.
> I love you.Without, without anaesthetic, darling.
And mother told to take her infant home,
no point in keeping her here at the hospital,
she was either going to make it or not,
and she was better off with the mother,
and mother carried the infant home.
What her feelings must have been .. I just don't know I can only imagine. Despair, a nightmarish feeling of love and loss, a desire for the innocent happiness of yesterday ..
poster:susan47
thread:753206
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20071223/msgs/820294.html