Posted by susan47 on March 27, 2008, at 12:53:47
In reply to Hello, posted by susan47 on August 18, 2007, at 2:23:58
I'm not what I wanted to be, and that's not okay.
I wanted, when I was a little girl, I wanted to be happy. I don't remember wanting to be with anyone, except my parents, my family. I never really imagined my life without them. I never thought about boys as being attainable. I always had a crush on some guy. It was always silent, and painful, and I never did say more than hello to any one of them, if even that. The first guy that I had a crush on, I also lost my virginity to him.
How strange to think I had a virginity, that I was once virginal.
It's not real, though.
My mind was never virginal, from the time I was little I had thoughts and feelings that were Huge, absolutely huge, and I learned somehow to shut them all inside, to shut them up because whenever they came out they were ridiculed or trampled on .. really. I mean, can you imagine a parent that would do such a thing to his child, to her child? And I have to realize these things were truly and really Done to me, and I took it all inside and shut it away .. and my self-shame just grew with each passing year. I learned to be ashamed of myself, I learned to feel ugly, and stupid. Even though, I don't really believe in my deepest soul that I am. I still learned to feel that way. I learned how to feel bad.
Feeling bad was a stranger to me at three, and even at seven I think I still knew I was capable of making other choices, choices to love myself and stand up for myself, choices to be brave and strong and fearless in my own right, but somehow,
somehow.
God, somehow it was all beaten out of me, and never recognized by anyone, and even now just thinking and saying it, writing it makes me tight in my throat, in the back of my throat there's a tightness being released coming up in tears, and flooding my cheeks.
poster:susan47
thread:753206
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20071223/msgs/820151.html