Posted by AMD on May 21, 2005, at 1:51:38
In reply to Re: HELP/URGENT! I AM OUT OF CONTROL! » AMD, posted by 4WD on May 19, 2005, at 21:53:16
>
> My heart is with you. I just started NA meetings two months ago. I started because of the psychiatric consequences of my drug abuse. The drugs were still fun; the consequences became more serious every time out.
\Marsha,
I appreciate your words.
Well -- I did it again Wednesday.
I have NO CONTROL over alcohol. NO. CONTROL.
It's like clockwork for me: go out drinking, get hammered, forget consequences of drugs, do drugs, black out (this time I believe I ended up at my house not once, but with sets of people, and I have /no idea/ how the second pair of folks got there, nor who they were); wake up feeling guilty, nervous, anxious; miss work; feel more guilty; start to feel a bit better; repeat.
Unfortunately, now my job is in jeopardy, so I'm moving back to Calfornia where I was sober for two years. Maybe I'm running, yes, but it's easier to fight this around friends and family, rather than holed up in a tiny one-bedroom apartment in the East Village (itself a drug haven).
Right now I'm feeling very woozy headed: I guess I can concentrate, but I feel like I'm "in space," if that makes sense. I hope I shake this soon.
Worse, apparently I turned my roommate's room into ramshackled state ... I have no idea what happen. I blacked out.
Larry, chemist, if you're listening. How fried my brain is after this, and how long does it take the brain to heal? Days? Weeks? Years? How will I know /when/ it's healed? What does a black out mean, and does it mean I lost all other kinds of memories, too? Like, will I go to call someone I know well and blank out on her number? I couldn't remember my credit card just now, and it's usually a number I can't forget. Will this ability come back?
What about generating new memories and learning new things, about planning and execution of tasks: how damaging is alcohol to these things over three months? Enough to cause lifelong, permanent memory and attention loss? :-(
My doctor started me on Zyprexa, and I think it's working a little. (I've taken only one, but "Revenge of the Sith" tolerable.) But I suppose I'll need to wait a few more days until I'm able to objectively assess my mood.
amd
poster:AMD
thread:496153
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20050506/msgs/500650.html