Posted by alexandra_k on June 6, 2014, at 4:26:32
In reply to Re: passing..., posted by alexandra_k on June 6, 2014, at 1:57:03
i think it was in the context of trauma... that i read something about how some people can function along fairly alright... but when their attachment system gets activated then they fall apart, rather. i think that is me. i fall apart when my attachment system gets activated. trouble is... without any activation at all... one falls apart in the sense of just wanting to curl up and die from lonliness. i think that is what that is. lonliness. that never occurred to me... but then, over the years, it might just be... it might just be... so... what's to be done? aside from keeping people at arms length, i mean. distance... regulators. built in somehow. like the internet. which works... mostly. but isn't foolproof, i've learned. maybe certain sorts of relationships are like that, too. ones where the person is otherwise attached or similarly unavailable... only i've never gone there. correction: i... developed better empathy for the affect that can have on other people. not fair to them.
i've developed this really bad habit... i picked it up from the gym in australia... i started to notice that people would sometimes talk to each other... only... it was fairly obvious if you listened to what they were saying... that they were really talking (indirectly) to me. i can't think of an example right now... i'm not being paranoid... it was just the first i became aware of that as a style of communication.
muttering to yourself is similar... under your breath, like. sometimes people do that, too. sometimes just... yakking to themself, i guess. othertimes... that indirect communication thing again.
well... i've taken it and really run with it. in the gym especially... e.g., when i feel crowded. i just start feeling really anxious. wound up. angry. because of the space invaders... start muttering under my breath... out loud... it is weird. crazy-like. crazy. i wish it would work to get people to go away. mostly it doesn't. sometimes it does. it does enough for me to have developed the habit of it, i guess.
so... emotionally expressive... reactive, really. it just emits from me... feels like. feels like an effort to inhibit it to keep it in check. tv brings it out pretty badly. an incessant commentary... see some guy jumping about 'guess he doesn't need arch support' see chairleaders at the cricket 'well i guess everyone needs a job, huh, thought that used to be a competitive sport'... standing... behind myself... just a little bit... incessant commentary... biting... critical... it goes away after some heavy training. deadlifts. oly bar and bumpers if i can get 'em. 60 minutes on the trainer...
starting to rely on the gym a lot... perhaps a bit too much... but anyway, that's me in class about now. a retort for everything. b*llsh*t is how i feel... b*llsh*t b*llsh*t b*llsh*t too much b*llsh*t... people saying things that isn't true... which isn't true... it is just true that i'm hurting. and i want it to stop. i want someone to fix it to make it stop yeah. but there isn't any. fixing it. stopping it. i don't think. i think it is a case of if x went away then y would only rise up and take its place. or maybe not. i get confused about that. people are only too happy to encourage me into the former...
i've got the masses offside... upset the odd apple. the williamson kids. the ones who escalate when they don't get anything from me. i just... can't. i just can't. like the little boy who pulls the hair of the girl to get her attention... i'm the girl who... pretends she doesn't notice... until... she snaps and kicks the living crap out of him. or not. of course. flailing limbs wildly. how else to say 'just leave me alone'. just ... leave me alone. i... don't know how to relate to you. i don't know how to relate to you in a genuine way. if i were your teacher i'd know how. if i were your peer i'd know how. if i were your mother i'd know how. but i'm not... i'm... just me. what's that? just... someone who doesn't like having her hair pulled. for reals. and you should... learn that that isn't nice. and quit it already. i can't...
just get it out of my head and focus for the exam. concepts. concepts don't pull my hair. jostle me. they don't even whistle stomp or click. they don't move about frantically in my line of sight. they don't demand... they just are there. just there. just the same as they always was... immutable as a barbell... more. that's what it was supposed to be about... remember that... i'm just... sad that i'm such a bitch. that i push people away. that i... can't. i just can't. even if... i want to. i don't work. i am broken :(
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140502/msgs/1066492.html