Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2014, at 20:51:26
In reply to Re: abt, posted by alexandra_k on June 12, 2014, at 4:01:43
got an email from my advisor... about quitting, actually... that it's been a while since i've got him anything... that the field has moved on... etc...
good timing, actually. i need to apply for that job... if a publication could come of it... then maybe i could do a three paper option? i've got one paper already... even if the field has moved on that doesn't negate it. ? perhaps.
anyway... will deal with this after chemistry exam.
things are sort of coming together... still... i really hope i do well. really. really really really really. it means something to people. i don't know that people know that i have the capacity to work hard anymore. it will show them... if i can...
i fear... maybe medicine will not be for me. the labs thing. labs are basically... a big open plan workspace environment. and i am not particularly functional in that kind of a set-up. i struggle with it in the gym. i struggle with it in the library. i... can work with focused others around me... but when people get socializy tones to their voices and discussion is about other things... that isn't settling to me. it is disturbing.
and medical school will be... years (and years) of that, i suppose. years of practicing taking classmates blood pressures etc where what is helpful to settle them is joking about tv or whatever... whereas what is settling to me is... professionalism. and quiet.
i do think... that there are rather a lot more people like me than are prepared to admit to it... that people stress themselves out putting on a happy / social face because they think they have to. i do think... that i could be useful in offering a perspective from within... to help make the service a better place for people like me... for clients who value privacy. etc... but i don't see how someone like me can... get there. given the way things are.
and partly i get it... if there are cadaver dissections (don't even know if they are part of the curriculum anymore, actually) then only one or two can actually do that... the others will be standing around... yapping about this and that, most probably. i, uh, i don't know. i don't know what to say... either way... A's give... options. and less than those... take away. i think it might be possible to pull an A- if I do really (really really very) well in the exam (even then probably with a little help from scaling). If I get a B... well... it's all over, really. I... don't quite know what to say. I mean... I'll continue on, of course... But this was the course, really. I... Don't know what to say...
Actually... It is perhaps not that bad... But harder to make a case for my needing lab accommodations if a poor grade there doesn't stick out as an obvious anomaly...
Fortunately, I enjoy it. Things are... Hard. Tricky to understand. I haven't had that in a while... Putting in the thinking time... Still not quite getting it... Almost within reach but not quite. And the calculator becoming more automatic. Hard becoming... Easy. Really very. And having a... Very different conception of the way an aspect of the world works. A little model... An equation... A calculation... It's... Lovely, really. Nice and neat. Because we are first years ahaha.
My calculator doesn't have Int. Dammit. I think if I do physical chem next semester I need a new calculator already.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140502/msgs/1066887.html