Posted by Tabitha on June 17, 2008, at 9:34:30
In reply to Re: Going under » Tabitha, posted by ClearSkies on June 17, 2008, at 7:55:07
It doesn't seem easier at all lately, it seems more unbearable and I feel less able to cope.
Trying to suck support out of a person who can't or won't give it is adding to the crazy. Now he's starting to see me as a person who needs drama, who needs constant ego-stroking. Then I get desperate to fix that, to make him see my pain, and of course all attempts are seen as more drama and manipulation. Rock, meet hard place.
Ride it out. Hmmm. That sounds sensible. But it feels like I can't stand another second. It feels eternal. I'm afraid it's only going to be endless, and increasing. There's just no place to rest. I think I find a little resting place, and a few minutes later, it's gone. I try to stop resisting and just let it wash over me, and that's OK for a few minutes, but then it pops back up.
It has two flavors: sad and desperate. The sadness is better I think, because it's more pure. If I can just let that be, it's almost tolerable.
The desperate, on the other hand, is awful. My poor brain thinks it can do something to make this better. I make a plan, struggle to stick to that plan, and ten minutes later make an opposite plan. I try to predict the outcome and berate myself for things I've already done. The worst thing is thinking I've already ruined this. I've driven him away. I can fix it. No it's too late. The cycling just feels awful.
In a way, someone's death is easier for me to handle than a dying relationship, because there's truly nothing else to do.
poster:Tabitha
thread:835014
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080601/msgs/835036.html