Posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 21:10:45
In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » corafree, posted by Deneb on March 20, 2006, at 19:19:42
It's been an hour and I'm checkin' in as promised.
>No one wants you to die Corafree. Please don't hurt yourself.
What makes you want to kill yourself?<
It's my fam' and friends ... I feel like they're 'feeding' off my grief. I'm not important enough to them to even waste their money (and they are all well-to-do) on a phone call.
My ex lives nearby and has recently said, 'I don't know why somebody doesn't just shoot you in the head'. I 'told on him'; I mean told my children. Then, they (but one daughter) turned on me. The whole abuse thing feels like it's happening again.
I hate having made this move. I should have thought about myself instead of my mother's needs.
Everyone (but my one best support; second daughter) acts as if I no longer matter, I should have gotten over it by now, and they don't even care anymore. My other daughter and my son and my ex, say, 'No one likes to be around you because you are depressing'.
Learned today my mother is selling the last of my father's things. That's a long story, but she no longer feels like a mother at all. She just buys/spends and is enjoying her life w/o him. She has never comforted me since Dad passed away. In fact, she literally (with her arms) pushed me away.
I have no one but my two IRL support persons, my youngest daughter and her husband. They are both very very busy. She has just gone back to work and I will have no one to talk w/ daytime.
The REBA out here in the 'boondocks' su*cks. They are already treating me as if I don't deserve quality care. I spent the last five years receiving the same (or better) from another county next to this one. I've only gotten worse while in these systems!
What is up w/ their excuses all the time, 'we're too busy'. Are we just supposed to accept that? I left five messages Fri and two today, all unreturned.
I just don't matter .. is the message they send.
My case manager (already met my second one after just one week) said, 'people feed off the one that grieves most when a loved one passes away, that it eases their grief', and that's exactly how it feels. My reaction to reaching out and being slapped is high, high anxiety.
A hospital will treat me like a criminal and take away my cigs, and I'll appear much, much more anxious once in that situation. Being on any kind of 'locked unit' doesn't work as 'I revolt against the idea that I must be punished for my sad feelings'.
My P was an *ss so requested a diff. and wasted my one and only 1hr appt on him. My (new) case manager seemed so eager to help me, then just cancelled a very important appt.
They staffed me w/ a young sweet girl that just sat there listening and saying over and over 'that must have hurt'. I need someone who can see past my hidden agendas (I know I must have them; I'm sorry.) So far as I've researched, they have no 'benefit specialist' or 'patient account rep' to assist you w/ different modes of financial assistance. I've lost nearly $1200 by moving here. Since the NB, my pro-active skills have diminished. Since the NB, the amount of stress I can handle has diminished.
I have wondered, was there some permanent damage done? No one has ever talked to me about it.
My fam' knows the one my Dad wished to help was me; but he didn't put it on paper. So they appear happy about that; minimize my very close relationship w/ him (except for one younger sister); like they were jealous of our kindredship and are now happy seeing me suffer.
bestgetofflineabit, promise to repost in another hour .. thanksyouall, cf
poster:corafree
thread:622576
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060318/msgs/622649.html