Posted by Dinah on October 14, 2004, at 21:21:05
In reply to Re: Another request, another great reason » Dinah, posted by partlycloudy on October 12, 2004, at 17:52:40
Realized that part of both ends of the problem is that I'm scared my dad's going to die. The fear feeds the anger, and also prevents me from keeping strong boundaries. I'm afraid he'll die and I'll hate myself forever.
I went out of my way to care for Harry in his last year. We didn't take any vacation, I spent a fortune. I worked from home as much as possible so I could help him. And when he died I felt happy to know that I had done what I could.
How will I feel when my Dad dies?
He's not a perfect man by any means, but he loves me and did his best by me. How could I live with myself if I did less for him.
I realize that some things I just can't do. I can't help him with body functions or bathe him. I can't take him into my home. But the other things I can do I should do gladly out of love.
My therapist says I need to learn to live within my emotional limitations. That if I can't learn to do that it'll kill me. And yes, I can't do this. This is clear. I'm basically nonfunctional. But it doesn't matter if I can't, I have to or die trying. Because I can't live with myself otherwise.
I'm scared to think of my father dying, for a myriad of reasons. He's my daddy and I love him. He's left me in a very awkward position with the rest of my family, estate wise. He always took care of me, even if I took care of him too.
It scares me to see him like this. His belly is all distended, and the doctors said his liver is so bad that his kidneys are malfunctioning and his abdomen is filled with urine. I can't think this is a good thing. He's so weak. They're going to do an ultrasound next week, and put in a needle to drain the fluids. I'm going to be in deep doo doo at work if I go, but I can't not go. He asked me to bring him. I'm afraid he's going to die soon.
I pray the Luvox works, because I'm pretty sure what will happen to me if it doesn't.
poster:Dinah
thread:400979
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041010/msgs/403164.html