Posted by spoc on March 30, 2004, at 11:17:23
In reply to Re: GOSSIP by any other name is still..., posted by TexasChic on March 30, 2004, at 8:21:32
> Its good to know other people understand. Especially when the person just won't admit to any wrong doing and acts like you're just crazy or something (and of course has told mutual friends the same). >
This all sounds so bad to 'cry' about, even when it's real. And I am in a notoriously cliquey area now, and have to work with what's on my plate. I have never been comfortable around cliques. We call it "Three degrees of separation" because you really can't meet anyone here who doesn't end up having ties to many others you know. I know that "good" people aren't supposed to let gossip affect their opinion, but it's just not that simple once people have been told there's something not right about you. I don't care about impressing anyone; just about there being accuracy if they have to talk at all. Because my current depression does *not* affect the good things people can still expect from me, except going out a lot. This "friend" knows that herself, when she keeps me on the phone to give her support for hours and hours every week.
She pulled what you said above for a long time, because she didn't know people had not only been citing her 'concern' and asking me "what's wrong;" but that some actually repeated to me some of the meaner things she said. She forgets that while I lost touch with many of them long ago, in better times I had introduced her to a lot of them originally, and they trust me enough to let me in on this. But because of that trust I also couldn't quote them to her, because I didn't want to start trouble for everyone. It was knowing what she was saying to people who already did know me somewhat that made me even more worried about what she'd get away with when talking to people who don't, but that I may want to have a fresh chance with someday without rumors preceding me.
Anyway at one point I thought there was hope for the situation, because once when she had immediately turned to a little group to complain that I was being "paranoid" again, one of the girls basically said, "Uh, what are you doing right this minute?" and pointed out to her the fact that she really is saying these things, but just assumes I'm only guessing and that therefore it doesn't exist. She came pretty close to apologizing after that, but it didn't last...
We get victimized more than once by gossip, because it's one area where even if you are justified, explaining what happened and your feelings about it somehow seems to pull you down to the gossiper's level and make you sound petty too. I was very hurt when I started (and soon quit) therapy recently, when the first thing I wanted to do was vent the frustration because that week someone had just left a message saying "Better come meet us -- X says you've turned into Howard Hughes over there." I had thought I was starting a "healing" kind of therapy for depression and procrastination, rather than the particular kind of psychoanalysis it turned out to be, where only personality disorders would be hunted for. So my upset was strictly "situational," but from how this pdoc proceeded, I think he may have been trying to make me fit into a box that I don't fit into. Great, the wonders of having been gossiped about never cease. I guess you're just supposed to keep the pain to yourself and always take the high road, or you're just as bad.
Anyway, thanks for your response and thanks for listening. I too hope you and Inthegloaming -- and me -- soon feel better! I like the \\//! That's a new one to me, did you invent it? : )
poster:spoc
thread:328027
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040324/msgs/330314.html