Posted by spoc on March 29, 2004, at 20:29:18
In reply to Re: more hate--more sadness..., posted by TexasChic on March 25, 2004, at 14:37:43
Hi,
I'm with you all about the pain involved here. I think sometimes "friends" absolve themselves from facing what they are actually doing (gossiping) by thinking, "I was concerned" or "It was the truth." When in reality, the criteria should be, did they really think you wouldn't mind having the thing known, and/or did it NEED to be known? Otherwise, sorry honey, idle gossip like any other.
I tend to know many people casually, but to consider just a few close. The rest I figure I may someday get to know better if it happens naturally. It was important to me to retain that option and the positive casual relationships and privacy I had. One person who considers us to be friends showed long ago that this would be inadvisable/impossible with her. But she sticks around so I maintain a skeleton relationship with her and give her support where I can stand to, under the philosophy of "keep your enemies near." She is quite the social-climbing gossip monger.
When I started to slip into this exceptionally down and isolated period I'm in, I told the details to very few and prefer to "put up a good front" to the rest. Including this girl, but between me not gracing her with firsthand information and her always being glad for opportunities to look better than others, she filled in the blanks herself and went to town, literally. Started telling everyone from casual acquaintances to ex boyfriends to people I hardly know that I was basically having a creepy breakdown. Even though out of fear of that I always supplied her with other things she could have said, about having disappeared from the social circuit because I was teaching myself new skills/hobbies; writing; visiting my family more; etc.
Now I can't have a day anymore where I feel better and slip out for awhile without someone confronting me with personal questions derived from what this girl said or implied. There have even been times since my depression worsened that I was up to going out and having (or seeming) fun, and she "warned" people that I am not always that way and not to count on it again anytime soon.
I confronted her with her statements many times. When people I don't know well make polite small talk with her by asking how I am doing, they do not expect the kind of detail she goes into. I told her that as a "friend," she should remember that her options in replying should come from the standpoint that it is either GOOD or PRIVATE. BAD should not be an option when discussing my personal life with virtual strangers. But she persisted in saying the same things I was asking her to modify. If a "friend" will spread it around that you may be in a depression and not leaving the house much (so that you are even more self-conscious when you do get out), what won't she do?
Of course in reality she doesn't want to back off, because underneath it all she finally holds the card she wants. And can disguise it as "truth" or "concern." If I emerge from this depression she'll still get to enjoy what she enjoys about me, but she'll also have succeeded in planting doubts about me too. So last week I finally told her everything I really think of her as a person (and I am not alone in that), consequences be damned. And there WILL be consequences. But at least I was finally true to myself and at the moment it seems worth it... Anyway I sure understand where you all are at on this.... : (
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> I had something similar happen just a couple of weeks ago, except with mine, I had what I had confided thrown back in my face, even though it wasn't true anymore. Its made me leary of confiding in anyone anymore. I found myself thinking, maybe I'll just confide to my therapist, that's what I pay her for. But I don't think I can go through life like that. I'm very upfront and prefer that people are the same to me. It really upsets me when they aren't. I think the key is becoming more self sufficient like the previous poster said. Then maybe I won't feel the need to unload my problems on others, and I won't be as hurt when I'm betrayed. But that's easier said than done. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I understand, even if I don't have any answers.
poster:spoc
thread:328027
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040324/msgs/330070.html