Posted by whiterabbit on April 4, 2003, at 9:59:40
In reply to Re: 1,000 divorces » whiterabbit, posted by shar on April 3, 2003, at 21:04:01
Thanks so much to everybody! When your self-esteem is sooooo low, encouragement and kindness
from people that you feel you KNOW and care about...it means more than I can say.Very bad day yesterday, broke down and cried like a baby in the psychiatrist's office. Eventually I worked up the nerve to ask him for some Xanax or Klonapin or something just to get me through the crying spells (even though what I really wanted to ask for was a great big bottle of Percocet), of course he wouldn't even consider it. He did give me a prescription for 25 mg of Seroquel for anxiety attacks (big deal, I'm already taking 400 mg every night) and upped my Paxil from 40 to 60 mg daily. He also told me to go back and finish the out-patient "dual diagnosis" program at the hospital (dual diagnosis meaning, I guess, depression and substance abuse). I had tried it before and dropped out after one day...not that it didn't seem like a good program, but I didn't think it was the kind of help I needed. For instance, I spent an entire morning listening to videotapes and lectures on STDs, AIDS and hepatitus. For heaven's sake, I've been a
health-care worker for 23 years, I have EMT and extensive operating-room experience, regular training (qualification) on CPR and sterile technique, I've written reports for OSHA myself.I also have a lot of serious personal problems that need to be addressed quickly, including the fact that I have NO money, yet I had parted with a precious $15 (my co-pay for the day's program -
every day would cost an additional $15) and I was sitting in a classroom listening to a junior counselor say, "Now can anyone tell me, will you catch AIDS from an infected person by holding their hand?"
I almost started pounding my head on the desk. I just kept thinking, my psychiatrist is an idiot.Anyway. That's today's rant, or at least today's first rant. I am feeling somewhat better today and, thankfully, even when I felt myself sliding toward the bottom, apparently I'm well past the stage of wanting to end my life or hurt myself. Even though I did get to the point of questioning my existance, wondering for what possible reason I had survived despite all the horrendous things I did to myself, I am now sure that suicide is wrong. It's spiritually wrong, and not only the worst thing you can do to yourself, but to those who love you.
Thanks again to everyone for reaching out to me,
I hope I can do the same for you when you need it most.
Love,
Gracie
poster:whiterabbit
thread:215638
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030401/msgs/216156.html