Posted by IsoM on April 3, 2003, at 19:41:29
In reply to To All, posted by whiterabbit on April 3, 2003, at 12:49:43
I didn't feel worthless when I was with my husband. For one thing, he wasn't as horrible as yours, but I also credit my Mom for giving me a strong sense of self-worth & self-confidence. To her, I was the best thing since buttered bread even if my father didn't think much of me. She thought me capable of doing anything I wanted to. My Mom had far more confidence in me than I did - maybe I'm just more realistic.
But that didn't stop me from feeling ashamed. I think I felt ashamed that someone who's as intelligent as I'm supposed to be, could make such a stupid choice in a marriage mate. How could I be so blind? Mind you, he was good at coming across as someone completely different than he really is. After I made the poor choice, I figured I'd make the best of it I could. I was the ever-optimist, hoping for a change to the better even though I felt cynical that anything would ever get better.
Partly because I feel so ashamed that I married him, I've never talked much about what life was like with him. I don't need to keep dredging up the past & dwelling on the unhappiness & anxiety I went through. It's behind me now - finished.
Still though, my stupid mind can't toss it all away. I can't help but feel resentful, even after 6 years, that I wasted much of my life on him. I feel resentful that I put so much effort into doing the best I could, trying to be the most loving, empathetic wife I could be, only to come out with nothing. I still think I was a wonderful wife especially if given the chance. I have my faults (I'm absolutely crappy at organization, scheduling, remembering to get things done, keeping the house tidy (clean, yes, but not tidy), being scatter-brained at times) but I've also got some shining qualitites - like YOU!
So feeling a degree of resentment is only natural. I'm afraid being a saint is unrealistic. I don't want to be hateful or bitter either so I make a point of not bad-mouthing him to others, or anything that would make me seem the witch. Still, I can't help but feel a certain satisfaction when I hear that something in his life hasn't been good, but I don't want to gloat either. Like you, I wish I'd never see or hear about him again - poof! he has ceased to ever exist.
So if you feel like this in the months ahead, or even in the years ahead, it's normal. We can't live with someone for so long without being affected.
poster:IsoM
thread:215638
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030401/msgs/215981.html