Posted by gabbi on August 6, 2002, at 14:46:14
In reply to Re: Thoughts for the day... » .tabi.T.ha., posted by Dinah on August 6, 2002, at 6:27:50
You didn't think I'd leave you all deflated by yourself did you Dinah?
Its awful isn't it. Really awful, if everything we feel or stand for has to be denied or worded as carefully as a resume it becomes meaningless, more trouble than its worth, why not just be at work.
There is no place for depressed people or other marginalized groups to express their feelings.
Especially anger, and hurt. A therpist who I could afford to see twice, told me "you need to get angry, you have a right to show your anger'
Sure, theoretically, but how many of us can afford to show our anger.
Right now I'm staying with my Dad, if I wasn't I would have no place to go. If he is in a bad mood and wants to take it out on me, I have to take it, why? because if I didn't I'd be on the street.
When I stayed with my Mother it was the same thing, except with her it was constant accusations I finally got fed up and "proved" her wrong. She punished me by refusing to pick up my medication, and by 'forgetting' to tell me the disability office called regarding my cheque, and they needed some information before I could receive it. Result, an extra weeks wait for my 300 dollar a month cheque.The government refuses to acknowledge depression as a "disability" or I could almost have enough to live on, I used to be allowed to make 200.00 a month from work and not have it deducted from my cheque. Not anymore. I can't afford to do it without being allowed to keep my money, it costs money to GO to work,.
Who can I get angry at? The person who hands me my cheque I'm required to jump through hoops for? She has to follow the rules and I could never do that, front line workers are always absorbing the frustration and anger that is caused by Government policy. It's not her fault.
Write a letter to the paper? oh that would really help.Then there are the pharmacies who will refuse to advance me 2 tablets of anything if I run out of medication on a weekend. If I call ahead of time they will refuse to call my Dr because they say I should still have some pills left. If I run out on a weekend they say sorry you have to wait until your Doctor is back.
I had one pharmacist actually Lie and Say "your doctor said to never advance you medication" That was pure Bull**** he thought he was calling my bluff "junkie" that I am.
When I told him I knew that was NOT true he backed down. Would it do to get angry at him?
No it would have meant going through excruciating withdrawl. And fter all this I have to deal with people telling me I'm taking the "easy way out"
I should just snap out of the depression.I know my examples are typical of many of us which is why I posted them.
So now, If I have to make sure everything I write is exactly to a certain specification, cannot even mention a particular belief or standard I hold dear I lose what is one of the only parts of ME left.
I can't even be silly which is a release, without an indirect slap that is generally ignored.
I feel completely bound and gagged. And when I feel that way, that unreleased emotion, is when I take it out on myself. Punching bags and yoga don't fulfill every need. I'm at a loss.
A Gloomy Gabby
poster:gabbi
thread:28167
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020804/msgs/28176.html