Posted by allisonf on March 25, 2002, at 13:21:02
In reply to I am SOOOO right where you are!!! » allisonf, posted by Penny on March 24, 2002, at 22:55:53
Hi Penny,
Wow, we couldn't be in a more similar mindset at this point!! Except that my therapist isn't on maternity leave, and I feel for you--that must be awful having these unresolved feelings for her & having to wait to see her another 4 weeks! (tho I gotta wonder if seeing my therapist only exacerbates the issue?! Not that I can stop seeing her, but...) And esp. with these issues with your substitute therapist--she sounds like she needs some empathic training! I can't believe she would push you to deal with the transference issue when you're not ready. I agree with Dinah--it's too bad that you didn't get to try her out before your therapist went on leave. Well, hang in there, only one month to go...
About what you wrote, can I just tell you that I did the ***very same thing*** secretly finding my therapist's address and driving by her house just 2 weeks ago! And I had the **very same reaction** as you, feeling ashamed and needing to confess on the phone that very night. In fact, the minute I turned onto her street I started shaking and I couldn't stop until I told her. I'm not sure what she thought--she seemed a little angry, but she never told me really. It was like she was trying *so* hard to keep her feelings in ck. The next day, I was a complete mess, shame, suicidal thoughts just like you were saying, and she was *so incredibly* supportive and there for me unconditionally, that I was able to stabilize somewhat. It is interesting what you say about unconsciously trying to "test" your therapist in this way--I think looking back I might have been doing that too.
Also, that's a cool idea about writing your therapist a letter about these things--wanting to be the favorite client, etc. I have read about people writing to their therapist, but never have. I think it might be a good idea for me since she has told me that she wants us to hold off on talking about the transference for awhile as she thinks it feeds my feelings. But maybe writing to her about it would be a way of getting it out, but not centering all of therapy around it. Hmmm...
I am trying to take comfort in the fact that as you said, this is part of the therapy process, and it probably means that therapy is really working at some level. Once it is possible to get past the infatuation stage (and as Dinah said, this is likely to happen quickly as in other relationships?! I hope...), I do think it will change the way I feel about these issues that I have--approval, abandonment--the same ones you mentioned.
Also, I have the same qs as you re:would another therapist be better for handling this issue or can I work thru it by continuing to see her?! But my instinct is to say that if it makes you feel sick to think of being without her, then I would stay and try to work things thru with her when she gets back. Esp if you have tried that sub therapist and it didn't seem to work out.
Best of luck with this and keep me posted! Thanks for your message, as I said to Dinah, it helps to have people who will listen and can understand.
And I apologize for writing a book here! I'll try to tone down my future messages!
Take care--
Allison
poster:allisonf
thread:20769
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020325/msgs/20861.html