Posted by Penny on March 24, 2002, at 22:55:53
In reply to Re: In love with my therapist--thanks, posted by allisonf on March 24, 2002, at 19:38:18
Allison,
First let me apologize for this being so LONG!
>I have an enormous “need for approval” thing going on
ME TOO!
>I think that is in part what is going on with my therapist. She is emotionally inaccessible to me in a lot of ways (b/c a good therapist tries to keep his/her “stuff” out of your session, right?) and ****I am dying for her to think of me as her special, favorite client—better than all the others.****
I wrote a letter to my therapist and told her that very thing. That I want to be her favorite. She said that I needed to realize that just b/c I wasn't her only client didn't mean our relationship wasn't special. And she's VERY good at keeping herself/her personal stuff out of our therapy.
>I think these feelings are happening now, b/c I have been trusting her more fully and going farther with her than I ever had before.
Probably so...
> I do agree that if I can really focus on my real life and the benefits that this experience, once resolved, will have on my future relationships, I will be better for it, but…*****I think my problem is that knowing this still doesn’t seem to stop the instinctual, rather infantile, regressive feelings that I am having—it’s like I can’t seem to reason my way out of feeling this way. It’s got that obsessive, infatuation quality and part of me doesn’t want it to stop.****
Wow...and I've said and written that very same thing too. In my situation, it's gone one step further in that my therapist is currently out ON MATERNITY LEAVE. So, I was dealing with these feelings toward a very 'maternal' therapist, in obvious ways. And the abandonment issue came up again and again.
We talked about the transference at length before she left, culminating in my leaving her a message to call me one day, and when she did, I ended up in a tearful, hysterical state on the phone with her. Because I was totally ashamed of how I felt/feel toward her. Because she's not my mom (though in my case, she's only a couple of years younger than my actual mother, though completely different). That night I came as close to suicide as I've been in a while, b/c I was hurting so much I couldn't hardly stand it. And my rational side understands all of this, why it happens, etc, but, like you said IT DOESN'T HELP to know that.
As far as obsession, one of my friends feels as though I'm totally obsessed with my therapist. And perhaps I am. I went so far as to find out where she lived, and then drove by her house just so I could see it. I didn't really stop, but I just had to see where she lived. And then I confessed to her that I knew where she lived, though I didn't tell her I had driven by. At first she seemed a bit taken aback by my revelation, but in the next session informed me that this wasn't the first time this had happened to her. I kept bringing up that I was afraid I had upset her (this was two sessions b/f her maternity leave), and that she was now angry at me, would never view me in the same way, etc. And, in retrospect, I think much of it had to do with my really trying to push her out of my life. Like I had to do something I knew she wouldn't approve of, to test her. Can I really trust her? Is she finally going to reject me??? And to prove to myself that I'm truly the horrible person I've known I was all along.
Anyway, she reassured me that she wasn't angry with me, tho' she wouldn't have chosen to give me that information. And she wanted me to see a substitute therapist while she was out, but I only saw her twice b/f I decided that wasn't going to work out. She was trying to push me through dealing with this transference thing, but I just couldn't.
My therapist tells me that this is part of the process, that she would be more worried if I didn't feel these feelings, in light of my issues. I guess she's right. And I'm surviving the maternity leave, slowly but surely (four weeks to go!!!!).
I guess the question for me now is, is she going to be able to help me? Can I effectively deal with these transference issues with her, or should I see another therapist about those things? The thought of ending therapy with her makes me nauseated. I can't stand it... What are your thoughts?
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this. Keep us posted.
Penny
poster:Penny
thread:20769
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020320/msgs/20811.html