Posted by kiddo on November 8, 2001, at 10:04:02
In reply to Cutting... Can anyone identify? What does it mean?, posted by kid_A on November 8, 2001, at 9:07:59
Kid-
I've done this for a long time, and my arms, etc., look like a battlefield. After my doctor found out I'd been doing this he asked me the same question. Here's a 'cliff notes' version of what I told him:
When I'm in so much mental/emotional pain that I can't take anymore, cutting gives me an escape from it. I'm usually in a dissociated state of mind at the time. It briefly gives me respite from the war going on inside me.
Other times, I feel so 'dead' I feel nothing, like a shell of person, the body is there, but my spirit, soul (however you wish to describe it) isn't. When I cut, seeing the blood, feeling of pain afterwards, lets me know there's something there inside me. Taking care of them afterwards, proves to me there's emotion to me afterall. I'm 'caring' for myself. (I realize this may sound psychotic to some-how you can 'care' after you harm yourself in the first place). But that is truly how I feel.
I don't know if this helps or not, but it's the way I see it for myself. I hope it helps.
Kiddo
I've been cutting myself since I was young, its certainly tapered off a great deal, but I had another recent episode where I did some fairly deep cuts in my right arm... A considerable feat to say the least since I'm right handed...
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> I don't equate this to suicide ideation, but in the times when I've done it, it has been the only thing that snaps me out of whatever trauma I had been experiencing... I'm certainly not 'happy' afterwards, but for some reason I'm distracted enough to distance myself from the mental anguish I was feeling...
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> I just wanted to know if anyone else has personal or relative experience with this? Why do you do it? As my doctor asked me, how does it make you feel afterwards? I'm wondering what makes someone do this as apposed to not doing it. I've read about children who do this sort of thing as a schizm when they are very young, but I dont think that relates... For me it has always followed a major anxiety attack and also seems to quell that anxiety at least for the moment...
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> Any insights are greatly appreciated...
poster:kiddo
thread:13645
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011105/msgs/13650.html