Posted by Wendy B. on September 16, 2001, at 20:37:17
In reply to Re: Think I fired my therapist - VERY upset (LONG), posted by JennyR on September 16, 2001, at 18:46:13
> I didn't go on Monday, he called, I didn't return the call. I didn't go Thursday, but returned the call, got no satisfaction. Wanted some kind of re-assurance that he was examining himself and would guard against these occurances in the future. Only got apologies. Asked for explanations. Finally got the explanation that my being angry over him harping too much on my not having enough reaction over the first reaction made him angry and maybe that's why he didn't tell me about the second vacation. I said "you acted out because you were angry that I was angry?" He said "or maybe I was frightened" (meaning he couldn't handle my having been annoyed at him over harping on the first vacation not accepting that it wasn't that big a deal missing a week. I said "aren't you supposed to be aware of your feelings and not let them interfere?" He said yes. The conversation deteriorated as I got angrier. I went a little too far. And I had said there was no point for me to come back. But then I called him back and apologized for having gone too far and said if the right way to end it is to come in and do it in person I will. I came in, remained calm. He called this an impasse to work out. I said you don't get it, it's over. I gave him a number of additional chances to straighten things out, he said he didn't know what else to say. I told him that certain things had been of some concern to me in the past, but the bond always felt good, but now it doesn't. I don't feel safe, I think he is too lacking in self-awareness, and that if he's not telling me he's really examining himself, and knows he let his own issues get in the way, and is working it out, and unless he can therefore give me some sort of assurance that this sort of thing won't happen again, that's it. that other things had concerned me at times, even though it had mostly been very good, but this vacation stuff, particularly telling me of the 4 week vacation at the door, that this had just tipped the scales and it was now too unpredictable for me and I can't deal with the distress. I re-iterated that the 4 weeks he was away caused me considerable distress because of how he dumped me with no notice. I also told him the fact that he is forever dwelling on the past with me no matter what I bring up "that's because your mother did this, or didn't do that...." that this keeps me sad about things I can't go back and change and that I don't think that's good for me, and that though I've told him that, he still does it. And that I hate my parents now and am stuck in that and he doesn't do anything about helping me go forward through that, and that I just don't think his style is good for me anymore. He said it seems too much has happened. Oh yes, and there was also an incident way in the beggining, about 3 years ago where he let me come to a workshop he was giving about adolescents and in it he gave 3 examples from my material about my son. That had really freaked me out at the time because he never asked if he could include it, and never let me know I would be hearing my own material, told in private, to a group of strangers. (hadn't used my name, but I was very thrown). Anyway, it ended cordially, though during it he said he's felt since he came back that he's been "on trial" with me. I said because what you did, giving me no notice about the vacation was very bad, and that's what tipped the scales to where I can't do this anymore.
> I think I'm repeating myself. Anyway, I'm out of there. And still in considerable distress. I'm thinking about seeing the other therapist, the woman I had consulted, but I feel reluctant to get caught up in anymore protracted involvements like this. I think this therapy experience has made me want to withdraw more, rather than reach out to anyone else for help. I never thought it would end so abruptly and messy. It used to be very good.
> Anyway, thanks to those who responded. Any additional input would be appreciated.jenny,
i know how much this hurts, because i've been in a similar situation. i keep referring to my experience of 9 months ago (sar asked me to elaborate, but...), my therp of 8 yrs made a mess out of things, and i had to leave... but i want the focus to stay on your issues.
it's like being in love. the therapist has been told so much deep, soul stuff, and we have real intimacy on a talking level with them. i think it must be hard for them: the supposed 'boundaries' between 'professional' behavior, and sinking down into acting like a real human with real emotions... it must be very hard to maintain the distance they supposedly need to make the therapeutic situation work. and on the other side, it's very hard for us not to feel intense gratitude toward them for helping us, in fact, i think we *must* feel it, in order for the proper transference to occur. supposedly.
the thing is, how 'scientific' is any of this theoretical bullshit about therapy? the psychoanalysts have their method, the psychologists have another, the CSW's and the MSW's do another thing, the gypsies with crystal balls do something else... i'm not sure any one of them has it down better than any other. so what does it mean when we say he hasn't handled the countertransference well? i don't know... he has let his feelings for you and about you, get in the way of what's best for you. his hurt over your relative indifference to the first vacation (when he insisted you should have felt bad about his being gone)... what was up with that? if you can handle it, so much the better, he should have been happy for you that you got through it just fine.
this is where i think all the theories break down. the therapist is a person, a person as flawed and as human as anyone else. i never understood the word 'professionalism' very well. how many times did my first therp tell me about her friend therp who was a drunk? or her daughter who was an addict? or her rotten relationship with her mother? or her depressed brother? we were client and therapist, but we were also friends in a weird way... i'd known her for 8 yrs... when i made a cake at holiday time, i took her a piece. i asked about her son, or whatever. we can't ignore that the other person has real emotions and problems, at least i can't.
none of this is to say that what he did was alright, i hope you understand...
the feelings of insecurity on your part are very real. you feel you have been let down in a very bad way, that the guy just could not admit he was wrong. just because, it seems, he wanted to make a point. but he didn't want you to leave therapy with him. instead, he clung to a point of honor, that the therapist always knows better. and i think that's wrong, sometimes they screw up. why is that so hard for them to say? mine only said she was sorry i had taken things the way i did, but she never said she was wrong, never. and i wanted her to. so what was the point any more.
this is where it feels like a lovers type of issue, to me anyway. if he/she had only just admitted some small shred of guilt, we could forgive them and then move on. but if they maintain this steely posturing, where they just cannot bend enough to say 'i made a mistake,' then screw it, you're not getting the reassurance you need so that you can stay in the relationship. it feels unsafe for you to be open and honest. you feel self-protective. i guess that is your saving grace, and it's good you have it.
i do not pretend for one minute to have solved the transference/counter-transference thing. i don't know if it confuses things to say it feels like a lovers' situation, but it does to me anyway... i know you at least need to feel safe. and i understand your grief over this. it IS a grieving process, take your time with it. if you need a couple of weeks to decide whether therapy is a good thing for you right now, then take a couple of weeks. you can always discuss it with us here, we're of course interested in your welfare and in the healing process you need to go through.
like i say, i feel very close to this issue on a personal level. it IS very traumatizing. perhaps you can take comfort in the fact that we acknowledge it and understand... i hope so.
all the best, and write again soon,
yer frend,
W.
poster:Wendy B.
thread:9067
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010915/msgs/11454.html