Posted by shelliR on September 16, 2001, at 22:28:47
In reply to Re: Think I fired my therapist - VERY upset (LONG), posted by JennyR on September 16, 2001, at 18:46:13
Jenny,I think at this point your therapist is learning more from you than you are from him. I think you handled the situation very well; all you were asking him was to take responsibility for his actions, or to get himself some supervision so that his issues don't get in the way of your progress. ("Wanted some kind of re-assurance that he was examining himself and would guard against these occurances in the future.") This is very mature and rational thinking on your part. To still be able to see the positive and to expect him to work on the problem area. Unfortunately it seems that he can't measure up.
Which brings you back to why you are in therapy. To get things resolved about your past, and to use that knowledge to move on. That is not happening for you with him, so yes, it seems like it's time to move on. You might go to the other therapist at first as a transition, to talk about what happened, and to try to set out what goals you need help in working on--because that is what therapy is all about. It is not necessary to make a long term commitment to therapy right now.
"this is where i think all the theories break down. the therapist is a person, a person as flawed and as human as anyone else. i never understood the word 'professionalism' very well. how many times did my first therp tell me about her friend therp who mother? or her depressed brother? we were client and therapist, but we were also friends in a weird way... i'd known her for 8 yrs... when i made a cake at holiday time, i took her a piece. i asked about her son, or whatever. we can't ignore that the other person has real emotions and problems, at least i can't." Wendy B.
A therapist *is* a person, and hopefully not flawed in the same areas that the client is. A therapist is a coach. Professionalism means that the therapist does mix his/her needs in therapy with your needs, and if that is an issue, he takes the responsiblity of bringing this issue up in supervision, not making mistakes that will affect your therapy and your wellbeing. Almost all therapists have supervision, generally if they've been therapists for a while, they have peer supervision, where they take turns getting feedback on clients that they are having some difficulty in helping move foward toward their goals. This is one of the first things I would ask if I was interviewing for a new therapist.
We want a lot from our therapist, because we missed a lot from our parents, but the therapist is not a parent, and is not a friend. A parent's attention is not confined to several hours a week, and besides we are too old to be parented in that way now; we need to work on with our therapist what we missed as children and how to let it go. Jenny, it seems like your therapist worked more on the missing part and less on the how to let it go part. How to be happy/content, now. How to look at your relationship with your parents, now. A friend is someone with whom the relationship is more or less equal, you do not pay a friend, and your friends needs should be important just as your needs are important. A therapist's own needs should not be important to you; you should be as unaware of them as possible.
Jenny, you say your therapy experience makes you want to withdrawal more. You are very sad and very hurt. But are there things that you have learned from working with this therapist? Things like accepting things about yourself that you weren't able to before, liking things about yourself that you didn't recognize before? The relationship is huge in therapy, but it's magnitude is only useful if it gets us closer to accepting who we are, and learning to be more successful at navigating our life in the direction that feels best to us.
You shared a lot with this therapist (we all do), and it is so disappointing when the therapy does not run it's natural course. But I really do think that you gained more than you lost, and in time you will come to recognize this.
Please excuse me if I inadvertently stepped on fragile feelings, or made suggestions that were not helpful. Things that feel right will resonate within you, and feel free to ignore the rest.
I wish you the best
Shelli
poster:shelliR
thread:9067
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010915/msgs/11456.html