Posted by Roo on June 15, 2001, at 11:38:51
I've been seeing my boyfriend for over 2 1/2 years.
The first year, I was ecstatic. I thought I'd finally
found the one. I was very happy, and couldn't believe
my good fortune. He's a wonderful, handsome, caring man.
Shortly after we got engaged, I started
have some anxiety and doubts. I frequently discussed
them with him honestly, but they never seemed to abate,
but only to intensify. I struggled with whether I was
just scared, or whether he just wasn't the right guy
for me after all. My doubts became more and more intense
and I felt as if a hand reached inside the faucet of my
heart and just turned it off. I broke up with him rather
abruptly. We stayed broke up for 4 months, and I continued
to have the anxiety and sorrow. I started to wonder if he
wasn't really the cause of the anxiety, that maybe it was
something inside of me, some sort of deep rooted fear of
intimacy. I asked him if he would be willing to go into
counseling with me, and he agreed. We ended up getting
back together and are still in counseling. The counseling
helped a lot, and the anxiety subsided some (though not
completely), and we decided to move in together. We've
been living together only a month. During that time my
long time cat buddy died of cancer. I've been depressed and
anxious. At first I thought it was my cat and the stress
of moving and the newness of living togehter. I still think
it may be that. But also, the feeling of anxiety and
doubt about the relationship still plagues me. It's almost
all I can think about. I don't know if it's just the stress
of the transition. Good common sense tells me to at least
give living together a good chance, 6 months or so. But it's
so hard to live with the anxiety. (But then it didn't go
away the last time I left either). Argh. I'm just thinking
am I just too scared to committ to ANYONE, does my depression
leave me too self absorbed and tired to truly love anyone, or
to be able to be what it take to be in an intimate relationship?
Or is this just the wrong person? I guess only time will tell,
and no one can really know but me, but if any feedback or
similar experiences come to mind, I'd really appreciate it.
poster:Roo
thread:6456
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010611/msgs/6456.html