Posted by Marie1 on June 22, 2001, at 8:57:01
In reply to Marie - Long term Relationships, posted by Greg A. on June 19, 2001, at 11:41:01
Greg,
So nice of you to post back - I really was worried that I'd crossed some arbitrary line on how personal is too personal. It sounds like our marriages are stuck in the same ...what? rut? No, I think "rut" is too mediocre a word. Actually I think "turning point" might be more apt. Like you, I don't think my depression has much, if anything, to do with my husband. Initially, when I became severely depressed last year, I thought it was purely chemical. I have a brother who killed himself at the age of 32, 4 yrs. ago. His death verified what I'd tried to tell my family for years (about my own depression) and confirmed for me that this was a chemical problem. Also, my husband, kids and I lived in Australia for a year and I ran out of Prozac while there, resulting in a rather severe depression. Obviously, I need the meds. But in therapy I've recently become consciously aware of abuse problems from childhood. These have probably also contibuted to my depression. I'm having difficulty writing about this now because my older brother (who sexually abused me) died last weekend. We just got home from his funeral yesterday. I can't begin to express how awful and conflicted I feel right now. He was only 48, and we were close off and on during our childhood. In fact, he's the only one with whom I share many growing-up memories. As far as the abuse, he was only a kid too and I forgive him. This really hurts so much.
Anyway, getting back on topic, I realized this past week that while I might not feel "in love" with my husband, we too have many memories that are only ours and I can't just throw all that away. I'm going to do what I can to fall back in love with him - I don't think it's too late. We'll probably try counseling with someone more impartial than my psychiatrist (I think my husband is somewhat jeolous of our relationship) and doesn't think he'd get a "fair trial" there. Let me know how it goes with you and your wife. Perhaps we can be mutually supportive? Take care.
Marie
> Hi Marie
>
> Did I respond to one of your posts awhile ago? What was it about?
> I don’t mind the questions at all. I figure if I don’t talk about my feelings . . . well that’s a big part of my problem to begin with. So – no – I don’t feel ‘in love’ with my wife anymore. Or not in nearly the same way as it used to be. With kids, time just seems to pass by with no real changes. Certainly not changes for the better as we just seem to get farther apart.
> How did your depression seem to start? It’s very hard for me to be definite about a start. I don’t think it had anything to do with my relationship with my wife. But it has affected our relationship. My wife has exactly the same thoughts as your husband – what if I realize that she is part of my problem? I don’t think it’s so much a fear on her part that I will leave. It’s a worry that we will stay together and be unhappy, especially after the kids are grown.
> Like you, I seem to be looking for something. I am cautious about what I think I see in other women as I mentioned the other day in my post. It’s so easy to overlook the flaws and think that something new is better.
> My doc says we have to work at our marriage and has suggested a number of things to try. By the way, my doc is a woman, and has seen us jointly on a number of occasions. She usually sides with my wife, but not always. We don’t really go and complain about each other but we have tried to get some things out in the open. It’s something we should be continuing on our own but the pressures of everyday life seem to leave little time or energy for it.
> I like your thought of ‘riding it out.’ When you’re depressed is a poor time to make major life decisions. What comfort you think you may get from leaving a relationship or from a new one may not last long and be accompanied by much stress and second guessing. Be honest with your husband. Let him know how you are feeling – without beating him up too badly. Is there anything he could be doing to make you feel closer? Even if the news from you is on the bad side, at least he will feel you are close enough to confide in him.
>
> Greg
poster:Marie1
thread:6456
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010622/msgs/6655.html