Posted by mila on May 8, 2001, at 10:32:07
In reply to Re: Forgive, O Lord » Doo, posted by NikkiT2 on May 8, 2001, at 9:23:21
dear Doo and NikkiT2,
as I was reading your descriptions of suicidal thinking, and recalled the contents of mine, it dawned on me that we sometimes forget the symbolic nature of emotional thinking. Emotional reality is inescapably symbolic. AND the emotional mind always means what it thinks in no uncertain terms. Rational mind tends to misundertand emotional mind messages, misses the symbol, and acts as if it was prompted for objectively identical action.
What I am saying is the following. emotional mind says, "I can't be bothered to live much longer", it means to live THAT WAY, not live GENERALLY, or physically. the suicide of our choice, that we savour in our minds, is actually pinpointing what is wished to be stopped, or changed.
when i think suicide, i think jumping off the balcony, or on the tracks of the upcoming train. The first will hit my body into limp quietness, the second will compartmentalize it in parts, severe the head, from body, and body from legs. Symbolically, these thoughts depict the solutions to my troubles. I need to soften, to weaken the resistance to that which wants to leave its impression on me, and I need to allow three processes to happen simultaneously and independently: walking, or progressing, thinking, or understanding, and feeling, or visceral kind of understanding. these have to be 'disassembed', or disengaged for now.
when I actually attempted suicide, I cut my arms. Again, misunderstood the emotional urge. the message was 'be a handless maiden for a while, let others take care of you, be helpless, surrender, stop doing. your King will come for you, and will fetch you out.' (which eventually did happen in real life, when I allowed myself to stop doing, my King came and married me).
Nikki, for God to show himself to you, i am afraid you have to show yourself to Him first. He is looking for you all the time, Nikki as He has made her to be nowhere to be found. Allow yourself to do something very essentially Nikki-ish, boldly, flamingly, glaringly, truthfully so; and you'll hear Him greeting, rejoicing in finding His once lost child, or sister. Keep being TRULY yourself and He'll keep walking alongside you, hoding your hand, bathing you in his kindness...
love
mila
poster:mila
thread:5880
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010417/msgs/5903.html