Posted by Rainwoman on October 26, 2000, at 9:06:33
Hi All--
I have no idea if I am posting this in the wrong place or not. Nor do I have any idea what I expect to happen by posting this. I have been suffering from depression for a very long time. In fact, the cummulative effect of so many years of this pain is what is driving me to the edge. I do have a psychiatrist and therapist, however my therapy is on hold right now until we find an antidepressant that works. I guess my therapist feels I can't handle working through my childhood in the state I am in now.
Anyway, that really is probably of little consequence. All I can think about is ending this pain. Whenever I am out, which is next to never, I notice people and can't help thinking I'll never be like them, never have a normal life. I want to end my life so bad, but I don't have the courage to cut. The sight of blood has always made me sick, and then faint. Then I wake up. Then I get sick. Then I faint. I hate myself for not having the courage, so I decided that 'Fine, you can't take your own life, then you don't get anything to sustain it either. So, I stopped eating. I feel like everything that was ever good inside of me is dead anyway. I have had to eat in some situations, say, at a baby shower the other day and sometimes I have to eat or drink something to keep from passing out. It really isn't that hard to do. In a crazy way it feels kind of good. Watching myself disappear feels good. So far, nobody has noticed and I have become so introverted, I don't really know if anyone ever will. I've only lost about 14 lbs so far. Not really sure. I guess there is some part of me that wants to tell someone, but a bigger part of me doesn't so nobody can stop me. You know, I have no idea why I am writing this. I'll post it anyway.
poster:Rainwoman
thread:1626
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1626.html