Posted by ksvt on October 15, 2000, at 16:38:13
I've sort of drifted in and out of varying states of depression for several years. I take meds that work pretty well and have been seeing a therapist for a couple of years now whom I really like. One of the things I really struggle with (and there are definitely a few) is a pervasive guilt about having depression and more to the point, not being able to keep it at bay more successfully. I have no family history of depression and have really led a relatively trauma free, and healthy life. I have what alot of people would consider to be a good job (altho I pretty much hate it) and a great family. I have a decent understanding of some of the factors that precipitated a second episode of major depression about 5 or 6 years ago, but I can't forgive the fact that I can't seem to put all this behind me. I function fairy well and very very few people have a clue that I've had depression. But on some level I feel depressed or are otherwise reminded of depression every day and it's this huge part of my life that I can't rid myself of. It sometimes feels as if the only thing that depresses my is my depression itself. My tolerance level for this has disappeared and it seem to take next to nothing to trigger depressive thoughts. My suicidal ideation is off the charts too much of the time. It's so bad for me sometimes that I've developed this theory that the only reason that I still feel depressed is that i want to be - that on some level it's easier to be depressed than not, and that if I really wanted, I could will this all away or make some radical changes to my life that my help to shake me out of my current malaise. My therapist keeps telling me that she's certain this isn't the case with me, but I can't seem to figure out why it's impossible for me to feel better about myself. I'm so contemptuous of the way i do feel. I feel that I'm caught in this spiral. Sorry for all the ramblings but can anyone identify with what I'm talking about? ksvt
poster:ksvt
thread:1090
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1090.html