Posted by snugbun on October 16, 2007, at 23:50:02
In reply to Re: Advice on neediness, posted by itsme2003 on January 22, 2007, at 8:19:29
I was dumped a while ago by someone I really like because, or so she said, I was too needy. She never gave me any reassurance and in the end I couldn't conceal my need for it. She kept saying that we were not really in a relationship, refused to save my number on her cellphone (though every day she would talk for an hour or more with her ex), complained about how bad the sex was with me, and how ridiculous it was for me to say that I felt comfortable around her (though I did). I suppose it all ended when we were in bed together and she refused even to hug me goodnight. I told her that made me feel sad and I couldn't sleep. She broke up with me two weeks later. Now she says we would have gotten along fine if it wasn't for my neediness.
I guess what I am trying to say is that neediness grows out of lack of affection and reassurance. When I'm with someone who maybe once a week tells me she likes being with me, gives me a hug and maybe a kiss before going to sleep, and who doesn't mind talking on the phone every one or two days when we're not together - then I'm not needy. I've experienced that and I was very happy with it while it lasted. (Things went badly for other reasons.)
The way to be happy, I think, is to find someone who has a similar level of neediness that you have and who understands and sympathizes with your neediness. What you need to ask yourself is whether you are in fact drawn to someone like that. I know I am, but most people are not, they are drawn to people who are not dependent.
In any case, neediness is not a crime. It's just human. Fighting it is like fighting thirst or hunger or horniness. As Oscar Wilde said, the only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. The only way to cure neediness is to satisfy it.
poster:snugbun
thread:724624
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20070210/msgs/789676.html